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Male Loneliness Epidemic Ends After “The Boys Are Back in Town” Played Really, Really Loudly

WASHINGTON — United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy confirmed that the deadly epidemic of male loneliness in America finally ended after an unknown person or persons played Irish rock band Thin Lizzy’s 1976 hit single “The Boys Are Back in Town” really, really super loud.

“For decades, researchers studied the devastating effects of social isolation in middle-aged men,” said Surgeon General Murthy while air-guitaring Thin Lizzy’s distinctive guitar work. “Suicide rates were skyrocketing, while loneliness-related health issues like strokes, heart disease, and dementia were rampant. However, it has been proven that, sufficiently loudly, ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ acts as a national tonic and caused a bitchin’ party to break out around the country spontaneously. Some say listening to the song has the same psychological benefits as exercise. Antidepressant prescriptions are even down a whopping 80% thanks to it.”

Car rental agent Derek Piven confirmed that his overwhelming sense of isolation and depression had been utterly obliterated by the dual guitar work of Scott Gorham and Brian Robertson and bandleader Phil Lynott’s soulful lyrics.

“Shit was getting really bad,” said Piven. “I had no friends, nothing to come home to after work, not even a dog. I couldn’t even make eye contact with people on the bus that takes me to my shitty job. Thank god someone played ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ so fucking loud that it made me realize that going out and getting rowdy with all the other men in the country in an aggressive yet non-threatening manner makes life worth living. Hell, I broke a bottle over some guy’s head in a bar, then we did shots together. I’m going to his wedding next week.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter says there is ample historical precedent for Thin Lizzy curing a nation of loneliness.

“There have been a number of Top 40 hits that have magically healed countries when played loud enough,” said Dr. Carter. “For example, the infectious synth line of Depeche Mode’s ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ started a huge New Wave dance party in the United Kingdom that settled the 1984 coal miners’ strike, while Lady Gaga solved the Great Recession of 2008 by playing ‘Bad Romance’ across a hastily-built nationwide PA system. Really, it’s hard for life to suck when you hear a banger like that super loud.”

As of press time, male loneliness was back on the rise after Elliot Smith’s “Between the Bars” was played really softly.