It’s the worst, sweatiest part of summer, which means that your backyard drinks need to get breezier, more refreshing, and more reflective of the fact that you have been violently detained by the police while shirtless multiple times before.
This summer, you don’t have to resign yourself to lukewarm Miller High Life and as much cheap-ass vodka as you can snag from your neighbors’ house while pretending you desperately need to come over to use the bathroom because yours has been all “worked over.” Sip these bad boys and let everyone know you’re not scared of the police or showing off your torso!
1. “Water” Melon Daiquiri
When the weather’s hot, nothing beats a cool blended daiquiri, the kind you can really chuck at a neighbor’s head in a poolside argument over what constitutes a medium-rare New York strip that goes too far! The key to this one is that the “water” melon part of this classic mix of rum, lime juice, and raw sugar is actually vodka. No one will know until you rip your shirt off and the cops are called.
2. Tom Collins Junior
Ah, one of the first truly American cocktails: the Tom Collins. The beautifully balanced mix of gin, lemon, soda, and simple syrup instantly becomes a Tom Collins Junior when you have more than four of them at the block party down the street from your neighbor’s house and let everyone know you’re Mother’s beautiful little boy, and beautiful little boys don’t wear shirts if they don’t want to.
3. Thai Basil Slammer
What’s summer without a little spice?! The key to this wickedly delicious mixed shot of gin muddled with Thai basil, seedless cucumber, and prik kee noo peppers is slamming it back hard as the setting summer burns into your eyes. The stupid shocked faces of the people at this YMCA singles mixer that you stumbled into after the block party are telling you someone needs to fight, and Sensei Ryan has always told you that shirts impede your kata and everything goes black and then… sirens! The perfect slammer.
4. Aperol Slugged Straight from the Bottle
Once you get out of the drunk tank and have been informed that you are no longer allowed back at the YMCA even to use the pool, there’s nothing more refreshing than the bitter digestif swigged straight from the bottle. Sure, it’s not ”technically” a cocktail, but we’ll give you this one if you can keep your shirt on for a minute.
5. Old-Fashioned Fight with Your Dad
Knock-knock! Don Draper at the door, he wants his trademark Canadian Club Old-Fashioned back! Just kidding, it’s your dad relaxing at home with a nice summer cocktail made from muddled whiskey, sugar, orange, and the piece de resistance, a cocktail cherry! You’re finally ready to show him you’re a man, and he can’t push you around anymore. C’mon, OLD MAN, GET THAT SHIRT OFF AND FIGHT!
6. Ice Cubes the Dog Missed During the Fight
Okay, your dad still has a wicked left hook, and he’s called the cops, time to move. Grab a couple of the fallen ice cubes from his old-fashioned before the dog gets them, they’ll still have some booze you can suck off.
Quick, duck into this abandoned building.
7. I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini
If there’s one cocktail we all swear by in the summer, it’s the I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini! Simply mix every kind of alcohol you can in a pint glass and let those fucking pigs with sirens out there that you will never put on a shirt, and they’re going to have to kill you if they don’t want to see your nipples!