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Crust Punk Grandma Places Pan of Crack on Windowsill to Cool

DETROIT — Punk rock loving octogenarian Edith Bettencourt placed a pan of her fresh, warm crack cocaine on her kitchen windowsill to cool, according to jonesing sources who were drawn by the scent.

“Every time I bake up a sheet of my crack, all the neighborhood punks come around,” said Mrs. Bettencourt as she sprinkled cinnamon on her latest batch of fragrant crack cocaine. “Most nights, they’ll be coming back from a nearby house show and catch a whiff of my special rock. They all crowd around my window, waving five dollar bills in the air, just dying for a taste. I say, ‘Now, now, you have to wait till it cools!’ Sometimes I’ll let one of them lick the spoon, if they’re good.”

Local punk and self-described copper recycling technician Flick Dobbs is a big fan of Bettencourt’s treats.

“I don’t know what Old Lady Bettencourt is doing differently, but her crack has spoiled all other crack for me,” said Dobbs as he searched his carpet in hopes of finding another rock. “The other day, someone passed me a pipe of some regular shit when we were hanging around the train yard. I took a puff and it was just missing something, you know? Edith’s also just a really kind lady. She’s always got 40s for us when we come around. We like to give back and help her out, like mowing her lawn or beating the shit out of some basehead who owes her money, shit like that.”

University of Michigan chemistry Professor Harold Gluck has some ideas about what makes Bennett’s crack cocaine so alluring.

“I got a hold of a specimen and ran some tests,” said Professor Gluck as he inserted a fresh pocket protector. “I managed to isolate a few key ingredients which make Mrs. Bennett’s recipe unique. It turns out the molasses, nutmeg and orange zest she adds bond with the cocaine molecules to form a novel compound, which creates a much more potent product. And you really can’t discount the fact it is made with love. I don’t partake in drug use myself, of course, but I have to admit it does smell great. If I were to do crack, this is definitely the crack I’d smoke.”

As of press time, Bettencourt had been spotted rocking on her porch, knitting buttflaps and pipe cozies to hand out at Christmas time.