DULUTH, Minn. — Local prog metal shredders Bride Of Pythagoras made an announcement this week that every member of the band would be taking a vow of celibacy, albeit entirely unnecessary, before hitting the road for a three month tour, confused sources close to the band confirmed.
“Leading up to our announcement, everyone in the band agreed that we need to be completely focused during our upcoming tour with no distractions from the two or three women we’ll see over the next few months at our shows,” said Bride Of Pythagoras vocalist Bennett Plimpleton. “We’re not some punk rock band who plays three chords and passes out on stage from drunkenness. All of our repertoire contains every major, minor, augmented, half-diminished you-name-it chord in the book; usually zipped through at over 200 bpm. We can’t be consumed with something as distracting as sex while treading through a labyrinth of scale modes. Granted, none of us have ever actually known the most intimate of carnal pleasures, but hey, you never know!”
Prog metal connoisseur and straight cisgender woman Miranda Wyatt gave her opinion on the appeal of prog metal as a polarizing subgenre, as well as a female perspective regarding any shred of sex appeal associated with the musical style.
“Honestly, prog metal just does it for me,” admitted Wyatt while dusting off a Symphony X vinyl. “I can’t get enough of the lightning-fast guitar solos, intricate polyrhythms, and fantasy-based lyrical content. As far as sexual appeal, it never occurred to me. It’s like watching a bunch of band directors out-nerd each other on stage. It satisfies my musical curiosity, but is about as far away from a turn on as I can imagine.”
Well-known and respected “rock psychiatrist” Dr. Judith Caldicott-Lipschitz lent her expertise to illustrate connections between musical subgenres and sex.
“I have had the opportunity to work with many famous metal acts over the years such as Mötley Crüe, Whitesnake, and even Ratt,” said Dr. Caldicott-Lipschitz. “They all had one thing in common, getting an absurd amount of ass while on the road, usually leading to band discord, if you will, and would take their focus away from the music. In all my years of practicing psychiatry, sex has never come up with prog musicians. They mainly tend to obsess over V7 chords, worrying they may become tawdry and pedantic at some point. Not exactly Poison material.”
At press time, members of Bride Of Pythagoras decided to amend the vow of celibacy to allow for the use of RealDolls and Fleshlights in case of emergencies.