Minor Threat Outtakes EP Surprises Fans With Song Titled “Use My Dick As a Crack Pipe Then Chop it Off”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Legendary hardcore punk band Minor Threat surprised fans by announcing a new outtakes EP from the “Out of Step” recording sessions featuring a song about smoking crack cocaine out of a penis, then chopping it off.

“Back then we cut and folded each 7-inch cover by hand, you know? And sometimes we needed to relieve a little stress. We didn’t smoke, we didn’t drink, but we did procure a ton of crack, stuff it up our penises using the back end of an old fork, and then smoke it,” said Minor Threat frontman Ian MacKaye. “I was using a bit of creative license in the song by suggesting we chopped our penises off after. Nobody was fully castrated. I’ll admit, we did hack at our junk a little, you can still see some scarring down there. We weren’t trying to start a movement or anything, we just wanted to try a little crack.”

Longtime straight edger Owen Hammond admits he was extremely upset by the message behind the song.

“I’ve been straight edge for nearly 40 years because I connected so hard to Minor Threat’s message. Being straight edge has basically ruined my life, my first wife drank a sip of champagne on our wedding day to celebrate and I had the marriage annulled on the spot,” said Hammond. “I don’t talk to either of my kids anymore because they openly take CBD gummies to help them sleep at night. So to hear that the guys in Minor Threat were actually using a powerful narcotic in the Dischord house makes me think my whole life is based on a lie.”

Underground music historian Alicia Gaines warns bands about publishing previously unreleased tracks because of the damage it could do to their legacy.

“While Dead Kennedys were working on ‘Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables’ they recorded a song about how child labor should be made legal again. Some people tried to point out the band often takes a satirical stance in their lyrics, but multiple times throughout the song Jello Biafra says ‘No, this isn’t a joke. We aren’t playing around. Put more kids to work,'” said Gaines. “Even more damaging was a Ramones song called ‘Let’s Head to Bed Early Tonight, Baby’ recorded in 1977 where Joey sings about needing to get a good night’s rest, and the benefits of having a nighttime routine.”

At press time, an extended version of “Guilty of Being White” was also unearthed, but quickly hidden away again.

Photo by Richard Moore.

New Study Shows Playing Tool for Your Newborn Causes Them to Grow Up Thinking They’re Smarter Than Everyone

Posted on by Stephen Bell

DURHAM, NC — Researchers at Duke University recently discovered that playing Tool for your newborn will cause them to grow up thinking they’re smarter, deeper, and all-around superior to everyone else, according to a new report.

“This study originally started to determine if Mozart made kids smarter,” said lead researcher Kevin Mathes. “But Mozart was never ever to play his songs backward so wanted to show these kids something that would challenge them. We found that the Tool kids, after 5 or so years, would scoff at us with upturned noses when we tried to administer additional tests. This effect was not seen in the Mozart kids. To compare their arrogance levels, we had them ranked on the ‘Lars Ulrich Scale’ which is a standardized measure of snobbery. On average we found the Tool kids ranked on average 6 Lars Ulrichs compared to a measly 0.4 in the control group. Truly fascinating results.”

Interviews with one of the child participants seemed to confirm these results.

“Is it my fault that my fastidiousness is incomparable?” said first-grader Eric Grayson, one of the Tool subjects. “When I explainify my complex preponderances to my milquetoast and smooth-brained grade school companionaries, they find themselves incapable of comprehendificating my musings. I feel bad for those troglodytes, but not everyone is at my level of turpitude. Perhaps the world will one day understand my genius, but I’m not holding my breath. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink a GMO-free, organical juicebox.”

Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan took issue with the idea that these children only “think” they’re smarter than everyone else.

“My songs are complex masterworks that get into the very essence of what music is,” said Keenan. “Only people with brains that operate 7.4 times faster than normal are capable of truly grasping what it means to have a song written in 7/4 time. And all of those references to Fibonacci sequences and Jungian psychology? Come on. If these kids understand those things, then they must be smarter than everyone else. I’d say the only thing that could possibly annoy me about these kids is if they thought they were smarter than me. Which is impossible, of course.”

At press time, researchers started to warn of potentially radioactive levels of arrogance emanating from these kids after being exposed to Frasier reruns.

How Music League Forced Me To Realize Everyone Else’s Music Taste Sucks

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

I’ve been playing a lot of Music League lately, and after this last round there’s only one conclusion I can come to: everyone else’s taste in music is just terribly god awful.

There doesn’t seem to be any other explanation as to why my friends don’t fall in line with my objectively right calls with every playlist. I should be getting first on every submission, and the only reason I can think that isn’t happening is that they just don’t know what real music is.

I almost feel sorry for other people who didn’t vote for my song in this last round, because that means that they just didn’t have the musical brainpower to understand why ‘Hey Ya’ by Outkast was the best choice for ‘Underrated Songs.’ Apparently, the essay I wrote for the submission comment went entirely unheeded as well.

It’s strange too, because this isn’t the only league this has been happening in. I’ve done a couple of leagues with different friend groups, and I even joined a random league I found online as well. For some reason, I haven’t been crowned Music League King forever and always, which has left me thinking there has to be some kind of conspiracy brewing against me. It’s the only explanation for why I keep coming in dead last.

Sure, there have been times when maybe I’ve gotten it wrong once, at most twice. However, I don’t see how submitting ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ eight consecutive rounds in a row could be seen as “ruining the game.” Also just because I purposefully wait to be the last to submit and vote every round to draw out the game doesn’t mean that I should be “kicked out for being a dick.” it’s all just part of my strategy!

In fact, the only league I’ve ever done well in is the one I hosted myself, and that was because I was able to make prompts that truly let me thrive. Prompts like “only submit ‘Free Bird’ and if it’s not ‘Free Bird’ you get no votes” let me excel because I would make sure I was the first and only person to pick the correct song. Even then I didn’t get first place because apparently there’s another, more popular “Free Bird” than the one by AJJ.

My musical expression shouldn’t be constricted because other people don’t understand true music. I’m a martyr in a conformist world, and I’ll continue to submit ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ every round until I get the god-damned respect I deserve.

90 Percent of NPR Listeners Just Dogs Whose Owners Left the Radio On So They Think Someone is Home

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — A new Pew Research study revealed that an overwhelming majority of NPR listeners are dogs whose owners left the radio on while out for the day.

“We’re not sure what to do with this data to be quite frank,” noted NPR head of analytics, Aisha Clark. “Our approach is to create engaging programming that makes people think and gives them perspective on the world. ‘People’ being the operative word. I don’t think dogs have the processing skills to really grasp a hilarious ‘Frasier’ reference someone makes ‘Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me’ so they must just find the laughter soothing? Our creators like dogs as much as the next person, but a lot of them are in the throes of an existential crisis knowing this is who their audience is. Ari Shapiro hasn’t eaten in days.”

Prominent financial supporters of NPR reacted with exasperation at the announcement of the news that knowledge of their financial support was wasted on canines with no means to purchase their goods or services.

“This news is going to cause us to reevaluate our relationship with NPR and our donation amounts,” remarked an official from Northwestern Mutual, a leading donor. “To get a better look at this, we’ve hired McKinsey to do a full report. We think that if the primary purpose of NPR is background noise for animals with separation anxiety, we suspect that NPR can probably cut down on their operating costs a little bit and therefore not hit us up for so much money when I’m just trying to listen to ‘Car Talk.’ The bottom line though, dogs don’t have bank accounts and can’t plan for their future, so our advertising money is best spent elsewhere.”

America’s dogs however seemed to appreciate the gesture of having a form of entertainment during the day.

“I don’t know why my humans think I don’t know they’re not there, but I do enjoy the fine programming on NPR so I can’t complain,” reported a black lab named Libby before running off to bark at a squirrel. “I love starting the day with ‘Morning Edition’ and then drifting into one of my many naps while ‘BBC Global Service’ is on. It’s given me a lot more to bark about at 3 in the morning. Though if I ever meet Nina Totenberg, I’m going to drag my ass across her carpet.”

At press time, Libby was spotted licking her own butthole while the ‘TED Radio Hour’ droned on in the background.

Every We Came as Romans Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We Came as Romans’ co-frontman Kyle Pavone had a sweet timbre that was unheard in the late-aughts metalcore scene prior, and sadly died in 2018, just one year after the band released their incredible fifth album “Cold Like War.” While the band trudged on and recently released their sixth effort, “Darkbloom,” Pavone’s vocals were sorely missed and will be for the rest of WCAR’s career. Formed in Troy, Michigan in 2005, home to defunct act Ménage a Ska, We Came As Romans released their debut EP “Dreams” just three years later, subsequently came out with another called “Demonstrations,” signed with Equal Vision Records, then home to Portugal. The Man and their blatant rip offs Guatemala. The Woman, and put out their debut LP “To Plant A Seed” in 2009 to underground acclaim. We attempt to rank all six of their full-lengths to your liking below; please cast the first stone.

6. Self-Titled (2015)

We Came as Romans successfully pissed off the majority of their fan base with their fourth and self-titled LP, though we theorize that that was not part of their plan, at least we’d like to think so. Still, they should’ve been self-aware to know that their brand of attempted radio rock was inferior to their less mainstream tunes. Who will pray for them because of this flatline? We’re quite unsure as all memories of this release are mid and meh. Produced by rock demigod Dave Bendeth of Paramore, Breaking Benjamin, Of Mice & Men, and Otis Redding fame, the album sounds great, but the songs just aren’t, so no producer could’ve truly saved it from defiance. Pity because the band were formerly saviors of the week and had to almost start from 12:30 when it was 3:15 for their follow-up.

Play it again: “Regenerate”
Skip it: A bunch of it

5. To Plant A Seed (2009)

Easily their most guttural and brutal release, We Came as Romans’ debut studio album “To Plant A Seed” certainly ended the aggresssive aughts in style, and successfully laid the groundwork (get it?) for a more than solid next decade, with the huge exception of the loss of Kyle Pavone. Produced by the godfather of metalcore known as Joey Sturgis, who also sat behind the words for both the band and not the movie known as The Devil Wears Prada and Meryl Streep’s ill-advised but surprisingly high-quality NYHC solo LP. Fun fact: Both singles from this album contain the word “to” in their title, the title track “To Plant A Seed” and the deluxe album’s bonus track “To Move On Is to Grow”. In closing, go blue, rather GROW blue, never stop searching, seeking, reaching and noogie-ing, and your broken dreams and destructive intentions will turn into fixed nightmares.

Play it again: “Roads That Never End and Views That Never Change”
Skip it: Less than a bunch of it but still more than the latter four

4. Understanding What We’ve Grown To Be (2011)

WCAR understood how much they truly grew with this melodic release, “Understanding What We’ve Grown To Be,” as it debuted at number twenty-one, which is also currently the legal age to drink in the states despite eighteen being the one wherein one can fight in Afghanistan but we digress, and at number five on the Hard Rock Album charts, so the band subsequently and successfully graduated from support slot to headliner. One thing we dig about We Came as Romans is that despite the fact that they sound angry, and they often are, they’re still quite positive lyrically, which is increasingly difficult in such a negative world. Plus, this album cover is cool and stuff, Beavis. Huh huh. Although we highlight the song “Hope” with the next mention, it must be said that it also opened the eventual deluxe edition of this LP just two years later.

Play it again: The title track, “Understanding What We’ve Grown To Be”
Skip it: “I Can’t Make Your Decisions for You”

3. Tracing Back Roots (2013)

Track seven on this LP, the previously mentioned “Hope,” could’ve been a global rock hit had it been released via a major label, but said tune still made a solid dent via the Warped Tour world. Speaking of said yearly tour, which is truly missed by all non-crust punks who populate our feeds, “Tracing Back Roots” successfully made We Came as Romans a main stage mainstay and WWE PLE main eventer. Singles #2 and #3, the title track and “Fade Away” both ensured that the band wouldn’t. The proof is in the pudding as “Tracing Back Roots” debuted at number eight, yes, in the top freaking ten, on the Billboard 200, making this record their highest charting, and thus, most mainstream studio album. Svengali John “I Am Goldfinger’s Frontman” Feldmann absolutely crushed it here as producer, and that’s all we have to say about that!

Play it again: “Hope”
Skip it: “I Am Free”

2. Darkbloom (2022)

Let’s start this section highlighting the band’s newest LP and first effort without Kyle Pavone, “Darkbloom,” by saying that without question, the surviving members of We Came as Romans who created this record, new sole frontman Dave “Stephen Not Steve” Stephens, Joshua “don’t you want” Moore on lead guitar, Lou “t” Cotton on rhythm guitar, Andy “Walking On, Walking On Broken” Glass on bass, and David “and Goliath” Buckett on drums did him proud and then some. Also, the album features Beartooth frontman Caleb Shomo, and rapper, yes rapper, Zero 9:36 but not 9:37, so it, err, bites in the best way. What’s cool about this one is that usually earlier songs like “Hope” would be the largest listened-to track, but here our “play it again” song “Black Hole,” is by FAR at the top of the heap at almost fifty-seven million streams on Spotify.

Play it again: “Black Hole”
Skip it: “Holding The Embers”

1. Cold Like War (2017)

The band’s fifth studio album and final Kyle Pavone LP “Cold Like War,” as it is a “no skip” modern classic and without question We Came as Romans’ finest hour, rather, if you lame AF troll plebs want us to be as annoyingly specific as possible, thirty-nine minute and forty-seven seconds as a band. Plus, like an epic and strong album closer should, “Learning To Survive” provides all the feels, is overall the band’s best tune, rocks in all of the right places, and showcases a confluence of emotions, sadly in an unintentionally foreshadowing sense into the unit’s dark(bloom) future after their cold world turned hot and hellish in the most tragic sense.

Play it again: Front to back, rinse, repeat, and do so again
Skip it: Our two hands will strike you if you skip a single song

The Top 30 Twilight Zone Episodes Still Less Scary Than the 2024 Election

Posted on by Dan Rice

Few television shows have remained relevant in our cultural lexicon for as long as Rod Serling’s “The Twilight Zone.” Employing elements of science fiction and the supernatural, every episode serves as a timeless morality play exploring some dark corner of the human experience, often with a terrifying ironic twist. Its ability to unnerve generation after generation is a true accomplishment, though it does fall short of presenting a single instance more terrifying than the presidential election just a year away.

Man’s hubris, our tendency toward self-destruction, our fear of the unknown, it’s all on display in “The Twilight Zone” and the punches are rarely pulled, but we would take any of its nightmare scenarios over the 2024 race. We ranked the top 30 episodes of this classic series, and none of them come close to the dread we feel over the next year.

30. “A Game of Pool” (Episode 3.5)

Jesse Cardiff is an ace pool shark, but no matter how good he gets he can never escape the shadow of his legendary predecessor Fats Brown. That is until the ghost of Fats comes down from heaven and offers Jesse a chance to prove himself by beating Fats in a game. Jesse does so, only to find that now he is the legend, doomed to live in limbo until a new challenger can usurp him. It’s not the scariest episode of “The Twilight Zone” but it’s a poignant reminder that when someone big dies, it’s only a matter of time before someone takes their place. Think Trump/Hitler.

29. “Nick of Time” (Episode 2.7)

In the first of two William Shatner appearances, a couple awaiting car repair at a diner begins to suspect that the novelty fortune teller on their table is supernaturally accurate. The man becomes obsessed and begins to unravel until his wife makes a case for the futility of trying to know the future, and they decide to walk away. It’s sort of an allusion to Pandora’s Box where man is spared the curse of foresight. That’s the way it’s supposed to work, this whole existing thing. We would give anything to not know how fucked we’re going to be after #election2024.

28. “A Nice Place to Visit” (Episode 1.28)

A guy dies and goes to what he thinks is heaven because he does nothing but win. The twist? It’s actually hell, and winning gets boring after a while. Big Deal. We’ve known this is hell since 2015 and we still need to go to work and shit.

27. “The Masks” (Episode 5.25)

A wealthy man on his deathbed forces his greedy heirs to wear grotesque masks until the stroke of midnight to receive their inheritance. When they remove the masks, however, they find their faces have been permanently deformed, their outward appearance now matching the ugliness within them. Take a look at that picture. Everyone there is still more appealing than Trump, Christie or DeSantis by a country mile.

26. “Little Girl Lost” (Episode 3.26)

A young girl vanishes into another dimension through a mysterious portal in one of the walls of her home. It seemed awfully scary in 1962, but today we should all be so lucky.

25. “The Lonely” (Episode 1.07)

In the future, prisoners are marooned on their own planet, with only a sex robot for company. This is supposed to be scary? Real-life prisons are overcrowded, under-resourced, and not a sex robot to be seen. Robert Duvall’s prison sounds better than most of our lives.

24. “Two” (Episode 3.01)

In the future, a world war rages for so long that in the end there is only one survivor from each side. One of them is a woman, and the other is a Charles Bronson. They almost kill each other, but eventually decide to call off the battle and, presumably, repopulate the earth. It’s grim sure, but the survival rate of this war is higher than the survival rate of the upcoming third World War by about two.

23. “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” (Episode 2.28)

Stranded at a snowed-in diner, the passengers of a bus discover that someone among them is secretly an alien in disguise. We would kill to have a problem as tame as “Who is the interloper?” Instead, we must decide which proven interloper will do the least amount of damage running our country for the next 4 years.

22. “Number 12 Looks Just Like You” (Episode 5.17)

In a future overtaken by vanity, everyone is forced to have cosmetic surgery to make them look like one of a dozen beautiful people. They get twelve people to choose from?! We only get to choose between two people to be president and they aren’t even hot!

21. “The Odyssey of Flight 33” (Episode 2.18)

Accidentally traveling to the time of the dinosaurs is scary, sure, but at least you’re up there in the safety of an airplane, not down here on the ground, present-day watching the dinosaurs run the government.

20. “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” (Episode 5.03)

A gremlin threatens to destroy an airplane mid-flight, and no one will heed William Shatner’s panicked warnings. If you think that’s bad, wait until you see what four more years of neglect does to our entire infrastructure. It doesn’t matter if we wind up with Biden again, Trump again, or any of the other GOP mutant hopefuls, you’re going to want to avoid trains and bridges.

19. “Five Characters in Search of an Exit” (Episode 3.14)

A clown, a hobo, a ballerina, an Air Force captain, and a Scotsman all find themselves in a circular room with no exit, with no memory of who they are or how they got there. Each one of them would be a more viable candidate than anyone we will see on the 2024 ballet.

18. “Twenty-Two” (Episode 2.17)

A stripper recovering from exhaustion keeps having a recurring dream in which she wanders down to the hospital morgue, where a nurse tells her “Room for one more, honey” before she wakes up screaming. Later, when she is boarding a plane, a stewardess identical to the nurse in her dream says “Room for one more, honey.” She screams and runs away. The plane takes off and explodes. It must be nice to be able to change your fate like that. We’ve been having nightmares about the next presidency every night and we’re still gonna have to get on the plane.

17. “The Eye of the Beholder” (Episode 2.06)

In a world where everyone is a pig-faced ghoul, a conventionally attractive woman is considered deformed, and after her 11th attempt at corrective surgery she is still “ugly.” Hang on… 11 surgeries? So even in this fictional world run by literal fascist pigs, insurance will cover 11 surgeries to fix a purely cosmetic issue? Which world is the dystopia again?

16. “The Howling Man” (Episode 2.5)

A man seeks shelter from a storm in a monastery, where he finds that the monks are keeping a prisoner. The prisoner howls and begs for help, but the monks warn the man that the prisoner is in fact the devil and must never be released. We got a guy like that. If you listen closely you can hear him howling now. “This trial is a witch hunt,” he says. “Stolen election!” he whines. “Make America great again!” For the love of God, don’t let him out.

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Senator Mullin Jumped by Giant Inflatable Rat in Congress Parking Lot

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Senator Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma was left in critical condition this morning after being confronted and brutally beaten by Scabby the giant inflatable rat outside the Capitol Building, onlookers have reported.

“Usually, I can end any kind of dispute just by threatening violence. I guess the Teamsters didn’t like what I had to say to Mr. O’Brien and sent their little messenger to confront me. I went undefeated in the octagon, I really thought I could take him. All I remember before getting thrown through my car’s windshield were those red eyes,” said Senator Mullin as he was being loaded into an ambulance. “I mean I hit him right in the kidneys and he didn’t even flinch! I’m going to launch an inquiry as to how rats even get that big, as soon as I get the feeling back in the lower half of my body.”

Longtime Teamster and rat handler Chris Sullivan hoped that the Senator would understand how strong unions are, even if it was through brute force.

“Yeah, most of the time we bring out Scabby he just chills in front of businesses who scab, but sometimes people need a friendly ‘push’ in the right direction. That’s why I’ve had him in Muay Thai classes for the last four years to handle assholes who like to run their mouths. In this case, it was a sitting United States senator,” said Sullivan. “He’s a goddamn natural. I mean the rat is 90% air, you could hit him with a truck, and he’ll just get right back up. Tossing around some boot-licking, anti-union, Okie hick is just part of ensuring workers their rights.”

Historians noted that whenever labor rights have been threatened, Scabby and his descendants appeared to set them right.

“The attack on Senator Mullins is shocking but unsurprising, as there is a long and well-documented history of inflatable rats standing up for workers’ rights. His ancestor Scabtholomew was a major presence at the famous Haymarket riot of 1886, hanging robber barons off of rooftops until they paid their workers fair wages,” said labor historian Wendy Smith. “And of course, who could forget Scabby’s father visiting Reagan in the Lincoln bedroom at 2 a.m. after the air traffic controllers were fired? While that union didn’t work out, it scarred the Gipper for life which many chalked up to a win.”

As of press time, Scabby was seen using his body to press Congressman Jim Jordan against a wall until he agreed to vote “yes” on an impending workplace safety law.

OpEd: Why Is Israel Bombing Hospitals When They Can Just Simply Destroy Gaza Healthcare with Predatory Health Insurance Companies?

Posted on by Joe Matheson

The recent inhumane bombings of Gazan hospitals by the Israeli government are causing massive anguish and heartbreak, as well as a lot of negative press against Israeli efforts to defeat Hamas. I believe there is a solution that provides the Israelis the ability to destroy the Gaza healthcare infrastructure without the bad press and poor humanitarian record: they should simply introduce predatory health insurance companies into the Gazan system much like their allies in the United States.

The Israelis, with American support, could be looked at as saviors, providing many healthcare packages to the Gazans that can help enhance their well-being. Currently Gazans are being turned away from the hospitals either due to over-occupancy or because the hospitals were reduced to rubble thanks to bombs paid for by American tax payers. How horrible! Instead, we can envision a Gazan future where they’re turned away from care because their arm was blown off by a grenade instead of being chopped off by a machete, the latter of which is covered by all basic insurance.

Imagine the slow healthcare system death via key decisions made by an agent in an air-conditioned cube farm thousands of miles away, calmly suggesting an incredibly expensive treatment plan that will largely benefit a drug company’s stock portfolio. And have you ever dealt with the claims department? That is hell on Earth.

Gazans will be elated to hear of the availability of life-saving care from an air strike, of course only available after a two-week-minimum prior authorization period. However, this type of treatment won’t be available in Gaza; but I hear that insurance will cover it in hospitals just across the border in Israel.

Ultimately this method will garnish nothing but good press! The insurance companies will be considered saviors to the Gazan people. That has been the experience here in America. And if there is bad press, then we write it off as leftist bullshit. Can you imagine if the government was in charge of healthcare? That’s how it is in Gaza and guess what: hospitals are being blown up.

I believe it is my duty as an American to provide the rest of the world with truly awful ideas with no benefit to anyone yet have convinced millions through the anti-socialist propaganda machine that it is the correct way to go. So let’s replace the shocking war crimes strife with criticism with more systematic humanitarian crimes that are largely ignored by the media.

We don’t need the Red Cross, we have Blue Cross.

David Cronenberg Writes Script After Seeing Bluetooth Headset Land on Hamburger Patty

Posted on by Mike Civins

TORONTO — Iconic filmmaker and leading architect of the “body horror” genre David Cronenberg completed a new feature-length screenplay earlier this week after seeing a Bluetooth headset fall onto a raw hamburger patty at his neighborhood Wendy’s, local sources confirmed.

“Such inspiration rears its skinless skull once in a blue moon, but this Wendy’s has been an unclotting abscess of inspiration challenging me to explore how technology and biology intersect like never before,” Cronenberg remarked while manically typing. “Plus, would it be a jam from your boy Davey-C if it didn’t have a bunch of wacky machinery pressed into a pile of uncooked meat? My last film had a breathing couch in it for chrissakes.”

The Wendy’s marketing team immediately jumped on Cronernberg’s organic appreciation of their menu, but the corporate giant has been proceeding cautiously before announcing a formal partnership.

“There is such a thing as bad publicity in the QSR [quick-service restaurant] industry,” offered Abigail Flores, Head of Marketing for The Wendy’s Company. “Obviously, genuine appreciation from a true artist and master of their craft like Cronenberg can’t be bought, but we also don’t want our longtime customers wondering what a Baconator would look like with stainless steel genitals. If he wants to explore the philosophical consequences of a sandwich that could also be used as a combat weapon, we’d rather it be a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish.”

Film critic and Cronenberg expert Pierre Jan is simply spinning with excitement about this new addition to the filmography.

“Who could foretell that a chance commingling of technology and squared beef that boasts never being frozen would lead the Canadian auteur to the most daring addition to his oeuvre since ‘Scanners,’ ‘Videodrome,’ or ‘The Fly,’” offered Jan. “With each fast food chain comes new possibilities: a Dairy Queen Blizzard that cesarean-births AA batteries, a Cheesy Gordita Crunch that projects surgical training videos while you make love. After introducing a typewriter anus in the film adaptation of ‘Naked Lunch,’ Cronenberg knows nothing is off-limits.”

At press, Cronenberg was seen frantically writing in a Mead spiral notebook while excitedly hot-gluing Chicken McNuggets to a 1993 Sony Discman.

I Can’t Believe This War Is Still Going Even Though I Posted Multiple Flag Emojis Online

Posted on by Freelancer

Well, guys, I’m honestly so shocked and upset right now. I just got another breaking news notification on my phone about the Israel-Hamas war. Ugh. Another bombing or something. U.S.-backed war crimes? Ongoing genocide? Terrorists? Something bad. I didn’t really look at the details, but it seemed pretty clear things haven’t gotten peaceful or whatever over there yet despite my best efforts.

Hello, I literally posted so many flag emojis on Instagram the other day that someone from Meta reached out and asked my to “chill.” But I can’t chill with all this unnecessary murder. I thought these emojis would make a difference, but it kind of seems worse than ever. I’m sorry, but what the fuck?

I have a lot of followers, nearly 800. I know they all saw my post and I got a ton of likes. I was all in. I put those little flags everywhere. In my Stories, in my feed, and in my bio. And then in comments everywhere on other people’s posts, too. I know. Ugh, sometimes I wish I weren’t such an empath. But seriously, it’s just SO important for us all to spread awareness. That’s why I did my part.

I can’t lie. It hasn’t all been easy. A few people did comment that maybe I should do more, like “go to a protest” or “call my reps” to urge a ceasefire. Or “donate money” to a trusted humanitarian charity providing medical care to brutally wounded children in deplorable conditions. Or “speak out” against hate crimes and misinformation and people getting unjustly fired for their views in my own country. Or at least “stop spamming” makeup influencers’ posts over and over with a bunch of flags like I’m “obnoxiously rooting for a sports team.”

Um, okay. That all sounds dumb. But I’m not giving up, and I’m not going to let the haters stop me. I’m about to go DM Buffy-Lynn the Dancing Poodle again. I got blocked for “harassment” already, so now I’m using my alt to keep asking her why she hasn’t spoken out yet. She has 2.8 million followers and just keeps dancing and barking like there’s nothing going on. She could end this war right now if only she cared enough. Her silence is frankly so pathetic.