WASHINGTON — A new Pew Research study revealed that an overwhelming majority of NPR listeners are dogs whose owners left the radio on while out for the day.
“We’re not sure what to do with this data to be quite frank,” noted NPR head of analytics, Aisha Clark. “Our approach is to create engaging programming that makes people think and gives them perspective on the world. ‘People’ being the operative word. I don’t think dogs have the processing skills to really grasp a hilarious ‘Frasier’ reference someone makes ‘Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me’ so they must just find the laughter soothing? Our creators like dogs as much as the next person, but a lot of them are in the throes of an existential crisis knowing this is who their audience is. Ari Shapiro hasn’t eaten in days.”
Prominent financial supporters of NPR reacted with exasperation at the announcement of the news that knowledge of their financial support was wasted on canines with no means to purchase their goods or services.
“This news is going to cause us to reevaluate our relationship with NPR and our donation amounts,” remarked an official from Northwestern Mutual, a leading donor. “To get a better look at this, we’ve hired McKinsey to do a full report. We think that if the primary purpose of NPR is background noise for animals with separation anxiety, we suspect that NPR can probably cut down on their operating costs a little bit and therefore not hit us up for so much money when I’m just trying to listen to ‘Car Talk.’ The bottom line though, dogs don’t have bank accounts and can’t plan for their future, so our advertising money is best spent elsewhere.”
America’s dogs however seemed to appreciate the gesture of having a form of entertainment during the day.
“I don’t know why my humans think I don’t know they’re not there, but I do enjoy the fine programming on NPR so I can’t complain,” reported a black lab named Libby before running off to bark at a squirrel. “I love starting the day with ‘Morning Edition’ and then drifting into one of my many naps while ‘BBC Global Service’ is on. It’s given me a lot more to bark about at 3 in the morning. Though if I ever meet Nina Totenberg, I’m going to drag my ass across her carpet.”
At press time, Libby was spotted licking her own butthole while the ‘TED Radio Hour’ droned on in the background.