TORONTO — Iconic filmmaker and leading architect of the “body horror” genre David Cronenberg completed a new feature-length screenplay earlier this week after seeing a Bluetooth headset fall onto a raw hamburger patty at his neighborhood Wendy’s, local sources confirmed.
“Such inspiration rears its skinless skull once in a blue moon, but this Wendy’s has been an unclotting abscess of inspiration challenging me to explore how technology and biology intersect like never before,” Cronenberg remarked while manically typing. “Plus, would it be a jam from your boy Davey-C if it didn’t have a bunch of wacky machinery pressed into a pile of uncooked meat? My last film had a breathing couch in it for chrissakes.”
The Wendy’s marketing team immediately jumped on Cronernberg’s organic appreciation of their menu, but the corporate giant has been proceeding cautiously before announcing a formal partnership.
“There is such a thing as bad publicity in the QSR [quick-service restaurant] industry,” offered Abigail Flores, Head of Marketing for The Wendy’s Company. “Obviously, genuine appreciation from a true artist and master of their craft like Cronenberg can’t be bought, but we also don’t want our longtime customers wondering what a Baconator would look like with stainless steel genitals. If he wants to explore the philosophical consequences of a sandwich that could also be used as a combat weapon, we’d rather it be a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish.”
Film critic and Cronenberg expert Pierre Jan is simply spinning with excitement about this new addition to the filmography.
“Who could foretell that a chance commingling of technology and squared beef that boasts never being frozen would lead the Canadian auteur to the most daring addition to his oeuvre since ‘Scanners,’ ‘Videodrome,’ or ‘The Fly,’” offered Jan. “With each fast food chain comes new possibilities: a Dairy Queen Blizzard that cesarean-births AA batteries, a Cheesy Gordita Crunch that projects surgical training videos while you make love. After introducing a typewriter anus in the film adaptation of ‘Naked Lunch,’ Cronenberg knows nothing is off-limits.”
At press, Cronenberg was seen frantically writing in a Mead spiral notebook while excitedly hot-gluing Chicken McNuggets to a 1993 Sony Discman.