WASHINGTON — Senator Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma was left in critical condition this morning after being confronted and brutally beaten by Scabby the giant inflatable rat outside the Capitol Building, onlookers have reported.
“Usually, I can end any kind of dispute just by threatening violence. I guess the Teamsters didn’t like what I had to say to Mr. O’Brien and sent their little messenger to confront me. I went undefeated in the octagon, I really thought I could take him. All I remember before getting thrown through my car’s windshield were those red eyes,” said Senator Mullin as he was being loaded into an ambulance. “I mean I hit him right in the kidneys and he didn’t even flinch! I’m going to launch an inquiry as to how rats even get that big, as soon as I get the feeling back in the lower half of my body.”
Longtime Teamster and rat handler Chris Sullivan hoped that the Senator would understand how strong unions are, even if it was through brute force.
“Yeah, most of the time we bring out Scabby he just chills in front of businesses who scab, but sometimes people need a friendly ‘push’ in the right direction. That’s why I’ve had him in Muay Thai classes for the last four years to handle assholes who like to run their mouths. In this case, it was a sitting United States senator,” said Sullivan. “He’s a goddamn natural. I mean the rat is 90% air, you could hit him with a truck, and he’ll just get right back up. Tossing around some boot-licking, anti-union, Okie hick is just part of ensuring workers their rights.”
Historians noted that whenever labor rights have been threatened, Scabby and his descendants appeared to set them right.
“The attack on Senator Mullins is shocking but unsurprising, as there is a long and well-documented history of inflatable rats standing up for workers’ rights. His ancestor Scabtholomew was a major presence at the famous Haymarket riot of 1886, hanging robber barons off of rooftops until they paid their workers fair wages,” said labor historian Wendy Smith. “And of course, who could forget Scabby’s father visiting Reagan in the Lincoln bedroom at 2 a.m. after the air traffic controllers were fired? While that union didn’t work out, it scarred the Gipper for life which many chalked up to a win.”
As of press time, Scabby was seen using his body to press Congressman Jim Jordan against a wall until he agreed to vote “yes” on an impending workplace safety law.