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Minor Threat Outtakes EP Surprises Fans With Song Titled “Use My Dick As a Crack Pipe Then Chop it Off”

WASHINGTON — Legendary hardcore punk band Minor Threat surprised fans by announcing a new outtakes EP from the “Out of Step” recording sessions featuring a song about smoking crack cocaine out of a penis, then chopping it off.

“Back then we cut and folded each 7-inch cover by hand, you know? And sometimes we needed to relieve a little stress. We didn’t smoke, we didn’t drink, but we did procure a ton of crack, stuff it up our penises using the back end of an old fork, and then smoke it,” said Minor Threat frontman Ian MacKaye. “I was using a bit of creative license in the song by suggesting we chopped our penises off after. Nobody was fully castrated. I’ll admit, we did hack at our junk a little, you can still see some scarring down there. We weren’t trying to start a movement or anything, we just wanted to try a little crack.”

Longtime straight edger Owen Hammond admits he was extremely upset by the message behind the song.

“I’ve been straight edge for nearly 40 years because I connected so hard to Minor Threat’s message. Being straight edge has basically ruined my life, my first wife drank a sip of champagne on our wedding day to celebrate and I had the marriage annulled on the spot,” said Hammond. “I don’t talk to either of my kids anymore because they openly take CBD gummies to help them sleep at night. So to hear that the guys in Minor Threat were actually using a powerful narcotic in the Dischord house makes me think my whole life is based on a lie.”

Underground music historian Alicia Gaines warns bands about publishing previously unreleased tracks because of the damage it could do to their legacy.

“While Dead Kennedys were working on ‘Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables’ they recorded a song about how child labor should be made legal again. Some people tried to point out the band often takes a satirical stance in their lyrics, but multiple times throughout the song Jello Biafra says ‘No, this isn’t a joke. We aren’t playing around. Put more kids to work,'” said Gaines. “Even more damaging was a Ramones song called ‘Let’s Head to Bed Early Tonight, Baby’ recorded in 1977 where Joey sings about needing to get a good night’s rest, and the benefits of having a nighttime routine.”

At press time, an extended version of “Guilty of Being White” was also unearthed, but quickly hidden away again.

Photo by Richard Moore.