Punk House Collapses After Load Bearing Roommate Evicted

Posted on by Doug Francisco

HOUSTON — A punk house collapsed yesterday after the eviction of roommate Luis Flores, who it appears was a load-bearing, structurally integral element of the home, according to city officials.

“You know, I can’t remember the last time I saw Lou leave the living room,” said Linda Birch, one of Flores’s six roommates. “We all just thought he was lazy or maybe just severely depressed or something, but I guess not. The minute the landlord and four of his biggest friends came in to pull Luis off the couch, a huge crack appeared in the wall behind him and tore my ‘Reservoir Dogs’ poster right in half. It just got worse from there until this whole stupid shithole just fell all the way apart.”

For his part, Flores maintains that he tried to warn his landlord and roommates that it wouldn’t be safe to remove him from the house.

“For years I’ve been telling Linda and the guys that I’m the only thing keeping this house together,” Flores said. “They just laughed and said all I do is smoke weed and play GTA — tell that to the multiple floor joists my pants got sistered to years ago. Fuck those guys. I’m sorry the 55-gallon fish tank got shattered and Mr. Spit had to go out like that, but it’s nice to be proven right for once.”

According to the President of Houston’s Home Inspectors association Dick Caballero, the phenomenon of load-bearing roommates is more common than might be imagined.

“We estimate about one in every 12 roommates is necessary to the structural integrity of the busted house they live in,” he explained. “It’s not unheard of for one guy to spend so much time on the couch that he enters into a symbiotic relationship with the crumbling studs and foundation, which can lead to collapse if he’s removed. Landlords should always call 811 before removing a tenant they suspect of being load-bearing.”

As landlords across the country prepare to kick millions of people out of their homes, the question regarding the proper way to handle load-bearing tenants remains. However, many property owners have resigned themselves to letting them stay when faced with the “unacceptable” alternative solution of fixing the broken and decrepit houses they rent out.

Development Hell: 12 Years After Trailer, Still No Word When IGN’s ‘Legend of Zelda’ Live Action Movie Will Release

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

SAN FRANCISCO — After years of mis-management and a revolving door of directors and producers, IGN’s much-anticipated live-action film adaptation of The Legend of Zelda is reportedly still stuck in development hell a full twelve years after its initial trailer was released on YouTube in 2008.

“Oh yeah, that’s still in the works,” snickering IGN representatives disclosed of the gaming journalism website’s first big-budget feature film. “It’s, hmm, in post-production, but we have to do re-shoots on the Ganon fight sequences again, and, hah, we’ve re-cast Saria, so all her scenes are taking a while… But don’t worry, we promise we’ll have updates soon!”

Promised updates from IGN have been virtually non-existent in the years since the trailer. Some disaffected fans have even started to believe the film has been scrapped completely, and that IGN is instead participating in a massive campaign to deceive its readership and defraud investors.

“The minute I saw IGN’s announcement, I tried to pre-order tickets, but couldn’t find any. I assume they were sold out,” said Remmy Davies, 29, who was still in high school when the first trailer dropped. “Now I have children of my own I can look forward to bringing with me once tickets are back on sale, which I’ve heard rumored could be months away!”

For now, all we can do is continue to wait, although there are some rumors that IGN and Nintendo are unofficially targeting a release date for April Fool’s Day 2021.

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Donald Trump Retracts Lawsuit Barring Pokémon Company From Using Likeness in Muk Cards

Posted on by Zoe Grobman

WASHINGTON — Following a string of other legal concessions in the waning days of his term, President Donald Trump announced this morning that he would be withdrawing a decades-old lawsuit against the Pokémon Company which had previously prohibited them from printing cards featuring the toxic sludge Pokémon, Muk, due to its blatant similarity to his likeness.

“A long time ago this Pokeman [sic] Company made a HUGE mistake trying to steal my image for their Mook [sic] card,” Trump tweeted. “I rightfully stopped that 20 years ago, but as a gift to all of my Pokeman [sic] loving supporters, I have decided to allow what everyone agrees is the best Pokeman [sic] to be printed again. Enjoy the Mook [sic] cards, everyone! Big wins!”

However, when reached for comment, Pokémon Company President Tsunekazu Ishihara reported that no such lawsuit had ever been filed and that they had actually never been prevented from producing cards featuring the character Muk.

 “As everyone is well aware, the Pokémon Muk is based on Henry Kissinger, not Mr. Trump,” said Mr. Ishihara, pointing to an elaborate cork board-and-yarn diagram outlining every Pokémon based on a person from popular culture. “See, there’s Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Uri Geller…many of these references were done out of admiration, and then some were done out of contempt. Mr. Trump is actually the basis for Garbodor, the trash bag Pokémon.”

The explanation by the Pokémon Company has not swayed the minds of Donald Trump’s most ardent supporters in the Q-Anon community, who quickly jumped to link this announcement to the rest of their sprawling worldview. 

“God Emperor Trump has done it again with this false swipe at the elite Democratic Conspiracy,” noted 8chan user MoleChild1488 wrote. “Everyone knows that Pokémon is a ploy by Bill Gates to lure 10-year-olds to travel alone so that he can kidnap them and harvest them for adrenochrome, and this move will be super-effective in luring him out of hiding so that he can be caught and left in a box where he belongs. Gotta catch ‘em all! By which I mean the deep state pedophiles, of course.”

At press time, Trump had reportedly also granted forgiveness to Bandai and Toei Animation for stealing his likeness for the talking yellow turd Digimon called Sukamon.

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We Look Back on That Mix CD You Made for Us Senior Year and Holy Shit, You Totally Wanted To Fuck

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

One of the most exciting parts of revisiting songs from your youth is seeing them through an older, wiser set of eyes. With all the nostalgia stripped away, you end up noticing things you never picked up on all those years ago. This is exactly what happened when we sat down to give a nostalgic listen to our favorite mix CD. You know, that one you made us in high school: “Now That’s What I Call Humpjams.” Which, upon revisiting as a mature, self-actualized adult, we now realize was eighteen straight tracks of you trying to smash.

Seriously, how did we miss this? This disc is so sexually frustrated it should be on 4chan posting hentai videos.

It starts off with “The Bad Touch” by The Bloodhound Gang. Sure, that was a funny song we used to sing in the halls to freak people out so we can see where we missed the subtlety of the intent of your mix. However, the next track on this polycarbonate disk of binary blue balls is “What’s Your Fantasy” by Ludacris. That did seem like a weird choice since we never listened to this song but it did explain why you were always rapping, “back seat, windows up, that’s the way I like to fuck” at us in math.

Wow, we really overlooked some things in high school. We never considered that maybe you actually meant to include three consecutive 2 Live Crew songs. We assumed “Talk Dirty To Me” and “Feel Like Makin’ Love” were included ironically. We loved Rocky Horror so we never questioned “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” and we blamed Kazaa mislabeling files for the track that’s just seven straight minutes of porn audio.

Honestly, we wish we had picked up on all of this. We were horny in high school too! We would’ve definitely let you get some over the clothes action if only you had been more forward instead of hiding Da Vinci Code-style clues in mix CDs.

At least this clears up what you meant when you wrote in my yearbook, “Have a great summer, please sit on my face.”

Three Sips of Water Before Bed Tasked with Undoing Entire Night of Drinking

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local inebriated man Kevin Donaghue drank a few sips of water before bed moments ago in an effort to dilute the many beers he crushed all evening, according to fellow dehydrated sources.

“It’s a little trick I learned in college as a last-ditch attempt to avoid a nasty hangover the next day,” said Donaghue while taking his third and final sip of water before dumping out the rest of his glass into the sink and whispering “yuck” to himself. “And it even works almost some of the time, too. I just hate the taste of nothingness water brings to the table — I much prefer the refreshingly hoppy and galvanized pipe-like flavor of an IPA. Besides, your body is made up of 98% water anyway. How much more could it possibly need? Pretty sure my body can sort out this rehydration shit on its own.”

Roommates were noticeably concerned for Donaghue’s physical health.

“Outside of those three sips of water after a full night of boozing, I never see him hydrate,” said roomie Connie Bradberry. “He even pounds each sip as if they were shots of whiskey for some reason… almost like he even hates the motions of drinking water. Honestly, he should be more like me, and drink one glass of water every few days. It’s amazing how much better I feel after that glass. I’d like to drink more, but I heard that if you have more than one glass, you can actually drown your organs.”

Meanwhile, doctors continually urge patients to drink more water.

“Almost all Americans are just walking around borderline dehydrated and on the edge of death most of the time,” said highly concerned physician Julia Pepperjack. “Alcohol essentially accelerates your body’s drought response and gives you a hangover as revenge for punishing your internal organs with noxious poison. And there’s a lot of misinformation about what constitutes water, too: we shockingly get a ton of patients who count drinking soda with lots of ice or even White Claw as hydrating, because according to them, ‘It’s technically seltzer.’ If you absolutely have to get your H2O from alcohol-based beverages, might as well go with a Coors Light. That’s pretty much all water anyway.”

At press time, Donaghue had awoken with a devastating hangover, but decided to treat it with more alcohol. “Water would only make matters worse,” Donaghue said. “Trust me.”

Opinion: Man, We Haven’t Talked in Forever, Also Wouldn’t It Be Great To Be Your Own Boss?!

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey bro, what’s goin’ on? I can’t believe we graduated high school fifteen years ago, seems like yesterday we were in Biology class. Do you still like music? Cool Cool. So, how is life Know what I’ve been thinking about lately? How great it would be to be my own boss!

Remember that time we drank beers on the football field and it felt like we had our whole lives ahead of us? How would you like to have that feeling every day of your life? This isn’t some Ponzi scheme or paranoid fraud… This is an opportunity to take control and write your own destiny for only $500. Well, the first payment is $500.

I know that sounds like a lot but what if I told you that can be turned into $500,000 in just one year. At least that’s what I’m told. The guy who started this company now owns an island and I will too once I buy all the materials and take the class to become a certified Life Broker.

I know we haven’t spoken since college but I have been so busy manifesting the sacred truth that I hardly have time for silly things like social media. I am too busy living a real life. So busy with vacations, and steak dinners, and hot women. That’s why I haven’t posted any photos of that stuff on Instagram.

Are your parents still pretty rich? How would they like to retire early? If you buy one training session from me, then you can turn around and sign them up as well. That is how easy this works. And, no, this is totally different than when I tried to sell you knives senior year. You know what they say, you have to spend money to make money and I have spent a lot of money!

Oh, also, can I crash on your couch for the weekend?

Biohazard Patch on Metalhead’s Unwashed Jacket Slowly Turning into Legitimate Warning

Posted on by John Dixon

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — A Biohazard patch on local metalhead Barret Boone’s denim jacket is reportedly becoming less of an endorsement of the band and more of an indicator of the growing, imminent danger the jacket poses to humanity with each passing day.

“This was the first patch I ever put on my jacket — I vividly remember walking down my street, seeing the jacket in a puddle by some trash cans and thinking, ‘Who would get rid of this?’” said Boone while unwittingly clearing out a room due to the stink of his jacket. “I added the patch that day, and as the years went on and I added all the other patches, safety pins, studs and shit, I couldn’t really put this thing in the wash without undoing all my hard work. If it rains really hard, I’ll take it outside for a rinse and then let it dry near the litter box in the back hallway. After all these years, the patch still looks rad as hell… and doubles as a warning to people to make sure they have a tetanus shot before touching my jacket.”

Boone’s roommate and longtime friend Ellory Bell reported the jacket is unparalleled in its pungency, leading to worries about its safety.

“That jacket reeks so bad that you can legit feel when Barrett walks into a building because the air gets so thick — it smells like fish guts and dog diarrhea had a child who died under the hot sun,” said Bell from their kitchen filled with scented candles and spent Febreeze bottles. “I think he legally has to list that thing as some form of medical waste at this point. I’d kick him out, but the reek of his jacket keeps the landlord from ever coming by to check on the property. We probably would’ve been evicted 15 times by now if it wasn’t for that jacket.”

CDC epidemiologist Amelia Carrigan caught wind of Boone’s vile jacket and speculated on the scientific magnitude of the gross garment.

“At this point, a jacket exposed to the elements, the sweat of hundreds of people in mosh pits, and most kinds of beer and other foodstuffs would be a petri dish of untold multitudes of bacteria,” Carrigan said. “There’s a school of thought that says exposing people to the jacket could inoculate them against a plethora of unknown diseases, but I shudder to think what hell this thing could unleash in the wrong hands.”

At press time, Boone was calling several government organizations “posers” for attempting to purchase his jacket for research purposes.

CD Projekt Red Hires Elon Musk to Oversee All Future Failed Launches

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Following the tumultuous release of their long anticipated RPG CyberPunk 2077, CD Projekt Red has appointed entrepreneur and SpaceX Founder and CEO Elon Musk to oversee all of their disastrous launches for the immediate future. 

“Not only is Elon a passionate gamer with a history of managing large, highly anticipated projects,” said Marcin Iwiński, co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “But his absolute commitment to carrying himself confidently after taking a massive public embarrassment is the exact sort of project coordination we could use around here, like, right away, ideally.” 

Musk, who’s unmanned rocket code named SN8 crashed and burned upon landing during a test flight last week, has verified that he feels he is the perfect candidate to manage future science fiction inspired projects that are destined to underdeliver on expectations. 

“The CDPR guys get a lot of things right, there’s no doubt about it,” said Musk, after news broke that he’d been hired for a front facing role in the Polish company. “But, one mistake they just made is apologize and admit defeat, like when they admitted that they shipped CyberPunk out at an unacceptable level. You gotta spin that for your people. My recent test flight made it all the way up in the air before it came down and exploded. The old ones were disintegrating right away. That sounds like a win to me!”

Gamers and tech fans alike have met the news with mixed reactions, although most seem to agree on Musk’s aptitude for the role. 

“Oh yeah, that makes sense,” said Lacey Gordon, who’d been in attendance for another of Musk’s defining gaffes last year. “I was at the Tesla Design Studio presentation when he chucked that fucking ball through the supposedly unbreakable window on the Cyber Truck. Not only did he not get laughed off of the stage, he finished the presentation in front of the broken window! Seems like the kind of guy that could brag about review scores while also having to apologize for the state of the game.” 

As of press time, following Musk’s first day as a CD Projekt Red employee, the company’s Warsaw office inexplicably exploded.

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Elon Musk Announces He’s Raising His Son Without Pronouns or Friends

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk announced today that he will be raising his son X Æ A-Xii without pronouns or friends in order to “own libs” online.

“People online get mad heated whenever I post memes about pronouns, it’s super cringe 100,” said the 49-year-old billionaire. “That’s why I’m going to epically own them all by raising X Æ A-Xii entirely without any pronouns at all! Whenever I want to refer to X Æ A-Xii, I’ll just say X Æ A-Xii in full. The cringe Twitter nerds are gonna flip and it’s gonna be hilarious! And they’re like ‘oh but then X Æ A-Xii won’t have any friends because X Æ A-Xii’s dad will be insufferable to be around.’ Yeah well that’s just a double own because all friends do is hold you back from being an entrepreneur. I’ve never had them my whole life and look how I turned out.”

Despite having a massive online following, the response to Musk’s announcement has been mixed.

“Oh my GOD, Elon Musk is the absolute meme lord!!!!” said one Twitter user. “I wish Elon was MY dad because my parents fricking SUCK”

“the amount of time you have made the most bottom of the barrel jokes about using someone’s pronouns, you could have just said they/them a thousand times,” said another Twitter user.

“Elon please answer your phone,” said a third Twitter user. “This is John from the Tesla Board of Directors. Every time you post something, our stock shoots down. We cannot get a hold of you!!!”

At press time, Musk could not be reached to comment because he was busy responding to every picture of him with Ghislaine Maxwell to call the poster a pedophile.

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Man Blissfully Unaware He’s Purchased His Last Medium Shirt

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Local 25-year-old man Ryan Mills purchased a medium-sized “Let Russ Cook” Seattle Seahawks T-shirt yesterday, unaware that this will be the last time in his life he will comfortably fit into anything smaller than an extra large, aging sources report.

“I buy a new one every season, but by the end there’s always nacho stains on it. At least it fits like a glove every single year,” said Mills, already dropping a scoop of guacamole onto his chest. “But this year, I’m wearing this puppy all the way into February, baby! Let’s go Hawks!”

Mills is approaching this season with the renewed confidence of a man completely unaware that his normally reliable metabolism is about to collapse under the weight of his terrible diet during the NFL season, leaving the shirt stretched and worn by the time the Seahawks are eliminated from playoff contention.

“I’ve got a closet full of Seahawks stuff. I can’t wait to show it all off once we can go to live games again,” Mills said wistfully. “The chicks at the tailgate won’t be able to stop staring when I roll up in this bad boy.”

Sadly, by the time next season’s tailgate parties begin, Mills will only be able to wear his prized Seahawks memorabilia under a jacket or a flannel, hiding the fabric’s tight stretch around his growing belly and breasts. Today, however, he is more optimistic than ever about both his team and his wardrobe.

“I think we’re gonna surprise some people this year, just you wait,” said Mills, before shoveling another handful of Fritos Twists into his mouth. “And when all these fake fans try to hop on the bandwagon, you’ll know who’s been here since day one, baby!”

“I don’t know. I just have a really good feeling about this year,” Mills added with a smile, cracking open his eighth Bud Light Platinum of the night.