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Biohazard Patch on Metalhead’s Unwashed Jacket Slowly Turning into Legitimate Warning

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — A Biohazard patch on local metalhead Barret Boone’s denim jacket is reportedly becoming less of an endorsement of the band and more of an indicator of the growing, imminent danger the jacket poses to humanity with each passing day.

“This was the first patch I ever put on my jacket — I vividly remember walking down my street, seeing the jacket in a puddle by some trash cans and thinking, ‘Who would get rid of this?’” said Boone while unwittingly clearing out a room due to the stink of his jacket. “I added the patch that day, and as the years went on and I added all the other patches, safety pins, studs and shit, I couldn’t really put this thing in the wash without undoing all my hard work. If it rains really hard, I’ll take it outside for a rinse and then let it dry near the litter box in the back hallway. After all these years, the patch still looks rad as hell… and doubles as a warning to people to make sure they have a tetanus shot before touching my jacket.”

Boone’s roommate and longtime friend Ellory Bell reported the jacket is unparalleled in its pungency, leading to worries about its safety.

“That jacket reeks so bad that you can legit feel when Barrett walks into a building because the air gets so thick — it smells like fish guts and dog diarrhea had a child who died under the hot sun,” said Bell from their kitchen filled with scented candles and spent Febreeze bottles. “I think he legally has to list that thing as some form of medical waste at this point. I’d kick him out, but the reek of his jacket keeps the landlord from ever coming by to check on the property. We probably would’ve been evicted 15 times by now if it wasn’t for that jacket.”

CDC epidemiologist Amelia Carrigan caught wind of Boone’s vile jacket and speculated on the scientific magnitude of the gross garment.

“At this point, a jacket exposed to the elements, the sweat of hundreds of people in mosh pits, and most kinds of beer and other foodstuffs would be a petri dish of untold multitudes of bacteria,” Carrigan said. “There’s a school of thought that says exposing people to the jacket could inoculate them against a plethora of unknown diseases, but I shudder to think what hell this thing could unleash in the wrong hands.”

At press time, Boone was calling several government organizations “posers” for attempting to purchase his jacket for research purposes.