One of the most exciting parts of revisiting songs from your youth is seeing them through an older, wiser set of eyes. With all the nostalgia stripped away, you end up noticing things you never picked up on all those years ago. This is exactly what happened when we sat down to give a nostalgic listen to our favorite mix CD. You know, that one you made us in high school: “Now That’s What I Call Humpjams.” Which, upon revisiting as a mature, self-actualized adult, we now realize was eighteen straight tracks of you trying to smash.
Seriously, how did we miss this? This disc is so sexually frustrated it should be on 4chan posting hentai videos.
It starts off with “The Bad Touch” by The Bloodhound Gang. Sure, that was a funny song we used to sing in the halls to freak people out so we can see where we missed the subtlety of the intent of your mix. However, the next track on this polycarbonate disk of binary blue balls is “What’s Your Fantasy” by Ludacris. That did seem like a weird choice since we never listened to this song but it did explain why you were always rapping, “back seat, windows up, that’s the way I like to fuck” at us in math.
Wow, we really overlooked some things in high school. We never considered that maybe you actually meant to include three consecutive 2 Live Crew songs. We assumed “Talk Dirty To Me” and “Feel Like Makin’ Love” were included ironically. We loved Rocky Horror so we never questioned “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” and we blamed Kazaa mislabeling files for the track that’s just seven straight minutes of porn audio.
Honestly, we wish we had picked up on all of this. We were horny in high school too! We would’ve definitely let you get some over the clothes action if only you had been more forward instead of hiding Da Vinci Code-style clues in mix CDs.
At least this clears up what you meant when you wrote in my yearbook, “Have a great summer, please sit on my face.”