Randy Quaid Voices Support for Trump Just in Time to Ruin Everyone’s Annual Viewing of “Christmas Vacation”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived American’s viewing of the holiday classic and proving once again that 2020 is a never-ending nightmare.

“Every time I watch that movie I laugh my ass off when Randy Quaid’s character shows up in the RV. I realized I hadn’t heard from that guy in a while, so I checked out his Wikipedia… and holy fuck, did that ever take me down a shitshow rabbit hole,” said former fan Olivia Farley. “Apparently he just got out of jail and now spends his days getting retweeted by Trump and posting poorly-lit, serial killer inspired videos about Fox News’ ratings. I only wanted to watch something wholesome, like Cousin Eddie’s bulge during the grocery store scene… not be reminded of QAnon lunacy. It sucks, because I was just starting to get over what a racist asshole Chevy Chase is.”

Trump spokesperson Amanda Davenport unsurprisingly welcomed Quaid’s support.

“The Trump administration is honored to be endorsed by the star of ‘Christmas Vacation’ and, of course, ‘Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.’ Despite all his recent financial and legal troubles, this is actually a huge win for us. Most people have been trying to jump off this sinking ship lately,” said Davenport. “And personally, I’m just relieved that with Quaid stepping up like this, I can ignore all those calls and emails from Stephen Baldwin.”

Media analyst Gerald Cabrera pointed out that movies aging poorly are all too common.

“Many holiday films have been tainted by the real-life behavior of the actors, or simply because the films themselves are dated. Obviously, there’s Randy Quaid, but there’s also the uncomfortable fact that the actor who played Flick in ‘A Christmas Story’ later starred in several pornographic films,” said Cabrera. “And of course, ‘Elf’ has not aged well due to the fact that that movie has always fucking sucked big time.”

At press time, millions of Americans were downing eggnog in hopes of passing out before they have to see that minstrel show song in “White Christmas.”

Beautiful Wife Receives Beautiful House, Large Automobile in Divorce Settlement

Posted on by Edgar Towner

DENVER — Family court officials today ordered office worker Tynan Howard to surrender his beautiful house, large automobile, and other symbols of capitalist banality to his wife, McCartney, sources at their divorce hearing report.

“Enough is enough,” said Mrs. Howard’s attorney Patrick Giles. “My client has spent years just letting the days go by, silently suffering her husband’s emotional alienation. And by ‘alienation,’ I mean Mr. Howard’s alienation from my client, as well as his apparent alienation from the onward march of consumerism, which my client is sick of hearing him moan about.”

“I think we all agree that there’s a limit to how much someone can tolerate their spouse’s endless metaphors about their midlife crisis,” Giles continued. “I mean… am I right? Am I wrong?”

Despite her lawyer’s harsh rhetoric, Mrs. Howard’s testimony painted a picture of a conflicted woman who had no choice but to end a difficult marriage.

“I’m so tired of asking myself, ‘Well… how did I get here?’” she said. “In many ways, our marriage is the same as it ever was. I have beloved memories of Tynan buying that cute little shotgun shack, his funny arm-flailing dances… it was lovely.”

“But things changed,” Mrs. Howard continued. “The first red flag was when Tynan started making these lists of all his ‘meaningless’ possessions and including me in them. How am I supposed to react to that? He keeps complaining about how he’s been sleepwalking through life, and to be frank, his performance in the bedroom lends credence to that.”

For his part, Mr. Howard announced his intention to appeal the court’s division of assets.

“Have a heart — what am I supposed to do after the money’s gone?” he said. “I understand how McCartney’s testimony might have suggested I was willing to part with transient things like my house and my car. And yes, I did sometimes repeat those sentiments over and over again. But… it turns out that I really, really need that shit. A lot.”

At press time, Mr. Howard was preparing for his closing remarks in front of the courthouse bathroom mirror, sweating through his suit and muttering, “My god… what have I done?”

How To Fuck Your Sentient Snowman Without His Magic Hat Falling off

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

It’s the same old story every holiday season: You build a snowman, affix an old silk hat in which there must have been some magic, catch his eye as it fills with life and moments later you’re fornicating like chimps on an oyster bar. Time after time, the lustful frenzy causes the hat to slip off leaving lifeless, soggy clumps all around and inside you.

This year you can avoid disaster and enjoy your frozen Yuletide carnality until spring if you follow a few simple guidelines.

Communicate.
This goes beyond the cliched dirty talk of “Harder! Colder! Happy Birthday!” and in fact goes beyond words altogether – when you look deep into those coals (stones, Milk Duds, etc) you can intuit not only your ice partner’s physical needs but also how close they are to losing their hat and leave you essentially fucking a plain Slurpee.

Take the bottom.
If you’re doing the pounding, let your chilly lover ride you. If you want to receive, just lay back and spread. One of his hands can be on hat duty while the other joins in on the fun. This also gives the snowman a sense of responsibility – the feeling that he isn’t just a plaything. If this is how he’s spending his limited lifespan, he deserves some dignity.

Utilize the tools at hand.
This is no time to worry about appearances. Is the snowman wearing a scarf? Wrap over the top of the hand and tie under the chin. Does he really need that carrot nose for the naughty business at hand? Spike it through the hat’s brim and anchor it directly to his skull – he’ll hardly feel it after you start going to town.

Plan ahead.
Will you be role-playing in costume or using toys? Staying in one place or flinging woo all over the shop? Time is off the essence, so cover every detail you can ahead of time. If you’ve done this before, apply what you’ve learned. If it’s your first time, relax and enjoy. Even if it goes horribly awry, who cares? None of this is illegal unless you’re in public.

Use a freezer if you really have to.
A large walk-in freezer isn’t the most romantic setting, but it does have its advantages – especially if you’re new to frost-fucking. Lower temps mean a slip of the hat won’t result in as much damage to the inanimate snow body, so you can replace it and resume the snoo-snoo right away.

Newly Sober Frontman Realizes He’s Been Singing in Ska Band for Past 13 Years

Posted on by James Knapp

SEATTLE — Singer Ryan Kemper’s commitment to a sober lifestyle brought an alarming realization yesterday: his band of more than a decade, Voodoo Bukowski, is actually a third wave ska band.

“I stopped drinking because I felt like I was losing control… and now I learn my best friends for the past 13 years all play trumpets and trombones,” said Kemper, chain-smoking and pacing anxiously in his darkened bedroom. “What the hell am I supposed to do? There’s not enough cocaine on the planet to make me forget I’m in a ska band now, and there is not enough alcohol in the world to get everyone drunk enough to think ska music is cool. I’m going to have to apologize to a lot of people for the music I’ve put out in the world once I get to that step in AA.”

Members of Voodoo Bukowski were confused by Kemper’s change in disposition.

“Yeah, Ryan has always been pretty wild, but I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was,” explained trombone player Trina Gage. “He came into practice last week, sweating and flustered, and we all thought maybe he’d relapsed — I asked him what was wrong, but he just kept staring at my checkerboard Vans slip-ons and muttering, ‘Oh my God, it’s true,’ over and over.”

“I don’t understand what the problem is. The guy’s a good singer but maybe he’s worried that getting sober is going to mess that up,” added Gage. “At least that’s the impression that I get.”

Substance abuse counselor Carol Fitzsimmons detailed the recovery process for newly sober ska musicians.

“This is all very common, and as counselors, we always follow the Stefani model to track the stages of ska recovery. The first stage is, of course, denial — followed by anger, hunger, lethargy, desire to get really into jazz, re-reading ‘The Bell Jar,’ wearing track suits all the time, and finally, acceptance,” explained Fitzsimmons. “With the right treatment, Mr. Kemper will be just fine… with the drug thing at least, but also probably the ska thing, too. I’m not a miracle worker, you know.”

Kemper has since vowed to help the random dancing guy in Voodoo Bukowski make a career change before his life is completely wasted.

Report: This Article Can Run DOOM

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

NEW YORK — Reddit users on the popular r/itrunsdoom were reportedly surprised to learn that an article on video game news website Hard Drive titled Report: This Article Can Run DOOM does, in fact, run the acclaimed 1993 first person shooter DOOM.

Reddit user u/DumGei wrote in a post on December 13, 2020 that he got DOOM to run on a Hard Drive article, and posted a link to this space you find yourself now. 

“It’s a surprisingly simple process to make an article and embed the javascript version of the game,” u/DumGei explained of his programming breakthrough. “I don’t know why no one thought to do this before. It’s really not even one of the crazier ones when you think about it.”

The user went on to say that he enjoys reading Hard Drive pieces, “especially anything having to do with Waluigi’s massive hog.” This level of enjoyment inspired him to insert a playable version of DOOM into the base of this article, after somehow convincing the website’s editors to let him publish it, for him to revisit both his favorite website and video game at the same time.

Editor’s Note: This Article Most Likely Cannot Run DOOM on Mobile Devices.

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CD Projekt Red Clarifies That Any Racist Content Found in Cyberpunk Is Probably Just a Glitch

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WARSAW — CD Projekt Red has confirmed that anything racist that players may find in their game Cyberpunk 2077 is probably just one of its countless glitches and definitely wasn’t put in there on purpose.

“Hoo boy, there sure are a lot of game-breaking glitches in the release of our game,” said Cyberpunk 2077 director Adam Badowski. “NPCs saying lines at the wrong time, characters falling through the floor of buildings, winning bets on fights giving you no money, and uh… really just anything that you find in the game that could be construed as racist or offensive in any way. Those are all glitches, for sure.”

“It’s crazy because you spend so much time trying to make sure that every little thing in the game works and then, ugh! You find out that, like, some really fucked up dialogue about crime statistics that’s maybe a dog whistle for a white supremacist talking point,” Badowski added. “And that’s… just a random text generator or something. That was supposed to be, you know, just a fun fact about dolphins or something. These damn glitches!”

Cyberpunk 2077 players have experienced a multitude of glitches, according to thousands of social media posts from those playing the game since it released last week.

“It really sucks to pay $60 for a AAA game and find out it barely functions,” said one viral Reddit post on the subject. “I’m playing on PS5 and the graphics are insanely bad. It looks like I’m playing on an Xbox 360. Plus, my character keeps doing this really weird glitch where he defends police officers and helps them on missions. What the fuck was up with that? It’s just totally game-ruining and I wish they spent a little more time working out the kinks.”

As of press time, after coming under fire for trying to blame any offensive content in Cyberpunk, Badowski clarified that he must have “glitched out” and actually meant to post a screenshot of an apology he wrote in his Notes app.

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Musician’s Friend Musician’s Only Friend

Posted on by John Danek

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — Lonesome guitarist Nelson Owens’s only friendly social relationship is reportedly with popular gear website and mail-order catalog Musician’s Friend, bummed acquaintances reported.

“I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I don’t see why everyone is making such a big deal about me and my pal MF,” said the friendless weirdo, who has been blocked by numerous music YouTube channels for commenting too frequently. “I bet your friend hasn’t sent you snail mail in years — that monthly catalog is a reminder of how strong our relationship is. And MF even offers me countless items on sale your friends could never touch. Granted, MF puts every item in the sale section and doesn’t actually reduce the price, but whatever. Don’t judge me.”

Corporate executives at Musician’s Friend are actively trying to distance themselves from lonely guitarists like Owens and have been since their inception.

“When we created the company, we wanted an endearing and welcoming name… but we couldn’t foresee the ramifications it would have on delusional guitarists,” explained company co-founder DeAnna Eastman. “We’ve blocked Owens’ phone number in all of our systems, tried to discontinue catalogs to his home, and block his IP address, but he keeps finding ways to get in touch. We have to screen the weekly letters he mails us for anthrax because law enforcement does nothing to help us. Something tells me Sweetwater doesn’t have this kind of issue. Our lawyers are putting the finishing touches on a restraining order.”

Delusional music retail relationships aren’t limited to the big box retailers, as mom-and-pop stores have their fair share of loonies.

“I’ve worked at Family Music Gear for 12 years as a teacher and cashier, and let me tell you — neighborhood music shops have their own tragic tales of humanity,” explained Scott Ulver, one of King of Prussia’s most in-demand bassists. “Nelson Owens has been banned for years, but there’s always some new guitarist who comes in five days a week to replace him. They think you’re pals, they want you to pick up a guitar and jam, and once they start inviting you to parties, you have to ban them. Why can’t people just buy a Stratocaster and leave?”

Owens has allegedly also been banned from Wawa convenience stores for throwing tantrums about their lack of wah-wah pedals.

Study Finds Millions of Thrash Fans Will Qualify for Social Security Next Year

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year, denim-vested sources confirmed.

“Honestly, I don’t feel old enough to collect,” admitted Wendell “Spider” Bekes. “I may need an inflatable donut to sit on the toilet, or reading glasses to read the liner notes of the new Warbringer album, but I still feel like a kid — a kid who wakes up three times a night to pee and whose knees give out in the pit. I’m glad to be getting more beer money, though; I don’t really have any assets, save for this bitchin’ painting of a lady with big, meaty honkers holding a sword. Oh, and a tattoo of that painting. Maybe I’ll finally be able to buy a little doublewide in the woods and live the simple life. Just me, some Reingold, and a disturbing amount of WWII memorabilia.”

The Social Security Administration is worried the system won’t be able to support the number of thrash fans who will soon qualify.

“We didn’t think they’d live this long,” confided Social Security Commissioner Andrew Saul. “While all thrash fans were born in 1959 or later, their notoriously unhealthy lifestyles led us to believe we’d never have to pay out for them. They had lower wages than their big band and rockabilly parents, and consequently paid less money into the system over the years. And the system is struggling to pay out to the classic rock generation — we estimate thrashers will have to survive on $7.82 a day. Come to think of it, they should be used to that by now.”

In addition to lower standards of living, experts worry thrash fans will face unprecedented challenges in their golden-studded years.

“These are not healthy people,” bemoaned Dr. Minerva Lao. “The average thrash fan spent their youth mainlining Old Overholt and huffing paint thinner. Those who have survived to old age are afflicted with a variety of ailments, such Alopecia Mulettatta — commonly known as the skullet — and Crypt Dick. Without the funds for proper care, many may have to work at more than one gas station to make ends meet.”

Officials are also concerned that the Social Security coiffers will be depleted before nü-metal fans even become eligible.

Black Punk Band Also Confused Why They’re Nominated In Hip-Hop Category

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Members of all-black punk band The ‘Stangs were nominated for a Grammy late last month, but are unsure why they were nominated in the Hip-Hop category.

“Thanks, I guess,” said bemused frontman Jason Sims. “I mean, on the one hand, it’s nice to get the coverage, and we appreciate the acknowledgment of our work… but we’re not a hip-hop group. We’ve never been one, we never intend to become one, we don’t know any hip-hop artists, or even really listen to it, honestly. It’s a tad suspicious why we’re nominated in that particular category, but our manager told us to just let it go for now and see if it helps our Bandcamp numbers.”

While the band is taking the miscategorization in stride, the rest of the music world was far more belligerent in denouncing the Recording Academy, the organization producing the Grammy awards.

“The Grammys have a history of missing the mark, but Jesus fucking Christ,” a flabbergasted Matt Medved of Spin wrote. “From Macklemore winning Best Hip Hop Album, to Jethro Tull getting nominated in the Metal category, the Grammys have always been out-of-touch bullshit produced by desperate-to-stay-relevant record executives. If members of the RIAA listened to The ‘Stangs for even 10 seconds, they’d realize the band is straightforward punk with some powerviolence influences. I don’t even think there’s a single rhyme on the entire album.”

For their part, the Recording Academy released a statement on the situation that detractors dismissed as tone deaf and “masturbatory.”

“The Grammys have long prided themselves on inclusivity, which is why we created the hip-hop category to begin with,” read Recording Academy spokesperson Karen Hawley’s statement. “From the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to the ‘Stangs today, we have long viewed the hip-hop category as a way to introduce urban music to a wider audience and bring these youths out of the streets. We look forward to growing with the ‘Stangs on their musical journey.”

In related news, seminal hardcore band Los Crudos will allegedly receive a lifetime achievement award at next year’s Latin Grammys.

Next Gauged Ears? I Paid for This Wound and It Smells Terrible

Posted on by Tiana Miller

Just because the scene is dead doesn’t mean punk fashion is, and we’ve got the next big body mod trend for punking up your Winter! Seriously, this could be the next gauged ears. For real, they have so much in common! They’re fashionable, they’re trendsetting, and, most importantly, they’re a gaping wound expelling an ungodly stench that I paid for with my hard-earned allowance.

Small that? Mmm. Brings me back. I can smell it like it was yesterday. I was 12 years old. We got dropped off by a friend’s mom at Hot Topic. My heroes were bands like MxPx, The Movielife, Patent Pending, and The Descendants logo.

Anyway, I thought stretching my ears would at the very least help me look the part. We bought a four gauge stretcher and were given no instructions beyond, “You’ll look punk as shit.”

I literally blacked out screaming from pain despite holding an ice cube to my ear for 30 minutes or however long some dude on YouTube said. Over the next few days, a thick brown crust developed around it and a very specific odor emerged. An odor I have not experienced the pleasure of harnessing in my nostrils for many years. Until now.

Long story short, I’m into way heavier shit than pop-punk these days, so this time I tied off the tips of my dominant hand’s middle and ring fingers with the hope of contracting Gangrene. Not only should this body mod be free under my parent’s health insurance, but if a missing limb can make Def Leppard’s drummer “The Thunder God,” then this is gonna make me at least, like, “Dr. Slayer” or something.