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How To Fuck Your Sentient Snowman Without His Magic Hat Falling off

It’s the same old story every holiday season: You build a snowman, affix an old silk hat in which there must have been some magic, catch his eye as it fills with life and moments later you’re fornicating like chimps on an oyster bar. Time after time, the lustful frenzy causes the hat to slip off leaving lifeless, soggy clumps all around and inside you.

This year you can avoid disaster and enjoy your frozen Yuletide carnality until spring if you follow a few simple guidelines.


This goes beyond the cliched dirty talk of “Harder! Colder! Happy Birthday!” and in fact goes beyond words altogether – when you look deep into those coals (stones, Milk Duds, etc) you can intuit not only your ice partner’s physical needs but also how close they are to losing their hat and leave you essentially fucking a plain Slurpee.

Take the bottom.
If you’re doing the pounding, let your chilly lover ride you. If you want to receive, just lay back and spread. One of his hands can be on hat duty while the other joins in on the fun. This also gives the snowman a sense of responsibility – the feeling that he isn’t just a plaything. If this is how he’s spending his limited lifespan, he deserves some dignity.

Utilize the tools at hand.

This is no time to worry about appearances. Is the snowman wearing a scarf? Wrap over the top of the hand and tie under the chin. Does he really need that carrot nose for the naughty business at hand? Spike it through the hat’s brim and anchor it directly to his skull – he’ll hardly feel it after you start going to town.

Plan ahead.
Will you be role-playing in costume or using toys? Staying in one place or flinging woo all over the shop? Time is off the essence, so cover every detail you can ahead of time. If you’ve done this before, apply what you’ve learned. If it’s your first time, relax and enjoy. Even if it goes horribly awry, who cares? None of this is illegal unless you’re in public.

Use a freezer if you really have to.

A large walk-in freezer isn’t the most romantic setting, but it does have its advantages – especially if you’re new to frost-fucking. Lower temps mean a slip of the hat won’t result in as much damage to the inanimate snow body, so you can replace it and resume the snoo-snoo right away.