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Musician’s Friend Musician’s Only Friend

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — Lonesome guitarist Nelson Owens’s only friendly social relationship is reportedly with popular gear website and mail-order catalog Musician’s Friend, bummed acquaintances reported.

“I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I don’t see why everyone is making such a big deal about me and my pal MF,” said the friendless weirdo, who has been blocked by numerous music YouTube channels for commenting too frequently. “I bet your friend hasn’t sent you snail mail in years — that monthly catalog is a reminder of how strong our relationship is. And MF even offers me countless items on sale your friends could never touch. Granted, MF puts every item in the sale section and doesn’t actually reduce the price, but whatever. Don’t judge me.”

Corporate executives at Musician’s Friend are actively trying to distance themselves from lonely guitarists like Owens and have been since their inception.

“When we created the company, we wanted an endearing and welcoming name… but we couldn’t foresee the ramifications it would have on delusional guitarists,” explained company co-founder DeAnna Eastman. “We’ve blocked Owens’ phone number in all of our systems, tried to discontinue catalogs to his home, and block his IP address, but he keeps finding ways to get in touch. We have to screen the weekly letters he mails us for anthrax because law enforcement does nothing to help us. Something tells me Sweetwater doesn’t have this kind of issue. Our lawyers are putting the finishing touches on a restraining order.”

Delusional music retail relationships aren’t limited to the big box retailers, as mom-and-pop stores have their fair share of loonies.

“I’ve worked at Family Music Gear for 12 years as a teacher and cashier, and let me tell you — neighborhood music shops have their own tragic tales of humanity,” explained Scott Ulver, one of King of Prussia’s most in-demand bassists. “Nelson Owens has been banned for years, but there’s always some new guitarist who comes in five days a week to replace him. They think you’re pals, they want you to pick up a guitar and jam, and once they start inviting you to parties, you have to ban them. Why can’t people just buy a Stratocaster and leave?”

Owens has allegedly also been banned from Wawa convenience stores for throwing tantrums about their lack of wah-wah pedals.