Budding Guitar Career Tragically Cut Short By F Major Barre Chord

Posted on by John Danek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Promising guitarist Liam Doughtery’s guitar career was suddenly terminated yesterday after the introduction of the difficult F major barre chord during his guitar lessons, grieving loved ones report.

“I just didn’t see it coming — he loved playing distorted power chords, and was even starting to nail a few lead lines,” recounted Devon’s mother Linda Doughtery, who has formed the activist group M.A.B.C, a.k.a. Mothers Against Barre Chords. “I thought he was in it for the long haul. But the F barre chord came out of nowhere. My baby boy was a fighter, but ultimately, the chord did him in. My little boy Liam… my beautiful baby boy. What kind of God would allow barre chords to exist?”

Doughtery’s guitar teacher Danielle Vernor is now a pariah in the Fort Wayne music community, thanks to her dangerous, negligent use of barre chords in her lessons.

“I don’t know how many more times I can apologize to Liam’s parents, family, and friends. If I could go back in time, I would have taught the minor pentatonic scale next. But I can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused,” lamented Vernor, who has lost her job teaching at the Smith Family Music Store. “There won’t be a single day in the rest of my life where I won’t feel a bottomless pit of guilt in my stomach. I can only hope to spread awareness to help prevent F major and B minor barre chords from destroying innocent lives.”

Legendary musician Bob Dylan offered some words of solace to the Doughtery family.

“All you really need are G, C, E, and A minor chords — slap a capo on that bad boy, and you can play any song in any key. Anything else is blowing farts in the wind,” explained Dylan, who has reportedly never played a barre chord in his life. “If I don’t have a capo on me, I would rather just cancel the concert. That’s why music schools and teachers worldwide need to teach safe capo use, instead of shaming students for not contorting their fingers into unnatural shapes. Capo abstinence is not helping anyone.”

Sadly, the Doughtery family has already suffered a second tragedy, Liam’s sister Bonnie’s piano career was abruptly murdered this morning when her teacher tried to get her to use both left and right hands at the same time.

Single D&D Session Gives New Player Confidence to Buy $50 Worth of Accessories

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

ATLANTA — New Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast Clarissa Elliotte reportedly bought $50 worth of accessories after playing her first session of the tabletop roleplaying game.

“Now that I’m a D&D player, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to go all in on a few sets of cool dice,” Elliotte said to friends in their discord chat approximately fifteen minutes after their first session completed. “I gotta make sure I have the player handbook ready at all times and I hate wasting paper by printing a PDF, so I’ll make sure to grab that. Plus, I feel such a strong connection to my character, I just feel like I have to buy a little model for her. And I know I’m not the DM, but you never know when a white board battle grid will come in handy!”

Elliotte’s friends and fellow party members expressed concern over her spending habits, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I would never want to gatekeep one of my friends, but let’s be real; there’s a pretty good chance we’ll never play another session of this game,” said the group’s DM Maria Ward. “I don’t say this to be mean or to judge Clarissa. I say this as someone who has several figures of several D&D characters that turned out to just be one shots because everyone got busy all of the sudden. D&D has been a very costly adventure for me, but at least all my figures can be friends on my bookshelf.”

As of press time, Elliotte was reportedly immune to criticism because she was busy changing all of her social media icons to images from the game Hades after playing her first round of it.

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Groundbreaking RPG Gives Player Moral Conundrum With Dozens of Ways to Say ‘Yes’

Posted on by Just Lunning

EDMONTON, Alberta — Developer Bioware has announced that their latest Mass Effect game will be the deepest dive into moral dilemmas yet, featuring more ways to say yes than any game previously released in the franchise. 

“Rather than making entirely divergent storylines, we wanted to add weight to the narrative that was already present.” said BioWare Story Editor Ryan Cormier. “For example, when Shepard is asked to dance, you can respond with options like ‘Yes please,’ ‘I suppose I could dance,’ and ‘me gusta bailar.’ It’s impossible for Shepard to avoid dancing in this scenario.” 

Cormier and others claim that each variation on the same answer shows a different side of Shepard.” 

“Perhaps one player’s Shepard loves to dance, but has to hide it,” said lead designer Crystal McCord. “Another person’s Shepard might love to dance, but has to hide it, and is learning Spanish on the side. There are thousands of possibilities.”

This is but one example that was provided of the many different ways that the same affirmative response could effect in game relationships. 

“At one point, Shepard is asked if he dislikes a squadmate,” McCord continued. “In the current build, Shepard has to respond ‘Yes.’ However, the player can add a lengthy tail to it, creating more of a ‘Yeeeesss?.’ This implies Shepard might’ve formed his opinion from peer pressure rather than actual disdain, and is grappling with the ramifications of that behavior in this moment.”

Preliminary game testers have praised the title’s newfound integration of customizable conversation options. 

“By giving my Shepard dozens of technically identical answers, it really put my actions into perspective ,” exclaimed game tester Ted Schwartz. “I was torn at one point. It was so hard to decide if I wanted my Shepard to say ‘I’d love to do a genocide’ or ‘Yeah, I guess genocide seems like the way to go here.’ Of course I chose the latter. My Shepard knows that it’s needed, but he’s not having fun with it.”

BioWare has yet to announce a release date for the title, but has confirmed that it will agree with any and all cross promotional campaigns it is pitched to promote the game. 

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Wedding Band Can’t Believe How Many People Came Out to See Them

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WAILUKU, Hawaii — Popular Maui wedding band Holy Matrimony couldn’t believe how many people flew out to Patricia and Peter Jatinder’s destination wedding just to see them play last night, the band’s rhythm section confirmed.

“We’ve been rocking in the love biz for well over 15 years, and this is hands down the biggest turnout we’ve ever had. We were lucky that these people have no regard for pandemic protocols,” said 48-year-old Holy Matrimony keyboard player Kenny Chang. “There must have been at least 30 people there, flying in from far away places like Ohio, Nebraska, Indiana, and Lord knows where else. It’s a good thing we spent hours rehearsing Billy Joel’s greatest hits yesterday, because this could definitely be the big break we’ve been waiting for. We absolutely destroyed that wedding. It’s only a matter of time before some bigwig record executives start blowing up our phones.”

The night did not go without a hitch, however: video caught singer Kasper Raducci jumping on a catering table and punting the wedding cake, to the dismay of their entire audience.

“They ruined what was supposed to be the best day of our life,” the new Mrs. Jatinder recalled. “These assholes showed up three hours late, raided the open bar, and didn’t acknowledge us the whole time they played — no mention of us, or our wedding, whatsoever. They started their performance by screaming, ‘You motherfuckers ready to fuck in the name of love?!’ before playing that CeeLo Green song ‘Fuck You’ from 2010. Worst day of my life.”

Fortunately for the band, some guests did appreciate their show.

“I’ve attended many weddings throughout my 65 years on this earth, and I’ve never seen a wedding band rock that hard,” said drunk uncle Phil Michaud, who flew in from Toledo, Ohio. “They kicked so much fucking ass! It’s good they promoted their merch during the father/daughter dance, because it reminded me to buy a shirt… which came with a free sticker, which is fucking sweet! Yeah, my niece hated that their bass player relentlessly hit on the bridesmaids, and she wasn’t stoked on the drummer puking in the bouquet… but that’s what real rock’n’roll is about. I follow them on Twitter now so I can catch their next gig.”

Holy Matrimony has a list of upcoming tour dates on Bandsintown, which include the nuptials of Anne and Gerry Beam, along with two Bar Mitzvahs next spring.

Badass Eagle Gets Wimpy Nerd Tattooed on Wing

Posted on by Brendan Kelly

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local badass eagle and body modification enthusiast Mordechai flummoxed friends and family last week by getting a wimpy-ass nerd tattooed on his wing, sources close to the apex predator confirmed.

“I don’t know why everyone has to assign meanings to every tattoo I get. Sometimes all my tattoo means is I had a few extra rat bones and I traded those in for some more ink,” said the eight-year-old eagle while eyeing a rabbit crossing a field in the distance. “But if you really need to know, it’s a representation of how I see myself, ya know? He just looks rad, and he makes me feel like I’m a frontline worker at Whole Foods or driving for Uber Eats or something.”

Mordechai’s friends, however, described the tattoo as “ridiculous posturing.”

“The whole thing is completely disingenuous,” said Xerxes, who describes himself as “just a regular fucking eagle.” “Mordechai has this inflated sense that he was some kind of dipshit bike messenger in a former life or something. He’s never lived in New York, he never took improv classes at UCB, and he doesn’t get panic attacks every time he sees his father. It’s transparently pathetic, really. The truth is, he’d never make it as a barista or any of that shit, and no tattoo of some chump named Glen is gonna change that fundamental, immutable reality.”

For his part, local tattoo artist Ricky Smitts, who gave Mordechai the tattoo, doesn’t pass judgement on what his clients want as a tattoo.

“The thing is, some of these workaday eagles long for a life of adventure,” said Smitts. “Sure, Mordechai spends his days raiding the flatbeds of Ford F150s in the WalMart parking lot for wholesale salmon patties and the like, but there’s a romance to imagining yourself as the kind of person that could make a perfect rosetta design in the foam of a latte, or laughing at a record store customer for not knowing that the Arcade Fire is Canadian. I just try to help my customers look more in tune with the way they see themselves in their mind’s eye.”

Mordechai was last seen eating carcasses from the dumpster out behind the Anti Cruelty Society and debating buying a leather jacket.

5 Places in My Apartment That Absolutely Need a Glory Hole

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

I’ve recently become single. During a pandemic. I’ll confirm what I’m sure you already know: it blows. If you’d like to avoid contracting the coronavirus, one night stands are essentially off the table. Dating Is harder than ever, and so am I. This has been the longest dry spell of my life.

But I think it’s coming to a close because I’ve come up with an excellent way to stay COVID-safe while getting my rocks off: installing glory holes in my apartment. At least five of them. Sure, it might make things a bit awkward with my roommates, but the magic of the glory hole is that I’ll never know which roommate’s on the other side.

Here’s where I think the first set of glory holes should go:

1. The Shower Curtain
If sex is good, then shower sex is passable. And after going through such a long dry spell, I think passable is just what I need. I’ll make it known to my roommates that whoever’s using the shower should just leave the door open a crack to let others know they’re open for business. Then all that’s left to do is stand back, and get myself some C+ action. It’ll be way better than the shower sex I used to have with my ex.

2. The Sock Drawer
I was using them for this anyways, but won’t ever pass up an opportunity to further obscure my shame.

3. The Wall Between My Bedroom and One Of My Roommate’s Bedroom
This one’s not for sex, I just think it would be neat to pass notes to one another through the hole like we were bunk mates at summer camp. Plus, it’d be a great way to repurpose the hole I punched in the drywall when I realized my ex wasn’t coming back.

4. The Fridge
If Jason Biggs could fuck a pie and have it come across as charming on the big screen, I better not get any shit about sticking my dick in a cold tupperware full of spinach dip and talking about it on the internet.

5. The Sheet I’m Hiding Under
As my mental health declines I spend more and more time hiding under a sheet on the couch, so why the hell don’t I just pop a couple holes in this bad boy? I know exactly what I’m doing! One at the mouth and one down south, it’s the most portable and versatile glory hole ever built! Any takers? Anyone? Hello?

Hello?

Punk House Better Be Fucking Kidding About This “Take Off Your Shoes” Horseshit

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Residents of the punk house collective known as Radistan have reportedly “lost their goddamn fucking minds if they think anyone is going along with their take-off-your-shoes-indoors horseshit,” incredulous sources reported.

“When Greg first told me that the house was instituting a shoes-off indoors rule, I thought he was just busting my balls a bit… because there’s no fucking way I’m taking my shoes off in that toxic waste site of a house,” said collective friend Emma Holland. “First of all, they’ve never once cleaned those floors, which are always weirdly damp. Plus, every step you take has you dancing with the risk of splinters and nails coming through floorboards. If they’re serious about instituting this policy, they better institute payment for my tetanus shots when I step on an old beer can that’s been there since the first Bush Administration.”

Suggestions that they were joking about the new rules were immediately shot down by the house’s central committee in an official statement on Instagram.

“Beginning in the New Year, we will require all visitors to take their shoes off. No exceptions, and this is not a joke, O.K.?” said Radistan spokesperson Greg Winston. “I can’t remember where I read it, but you track in untold germs and shit into your house that you’ve picked up while walking around a city. This is just common sense. We’re not really sure why people have been pushing back on this so much. We walk around the house without shoes all the time and it’s fine — if anything, it’s made us stronger.”

While not all of have come around to the house’s thinking, top interior design experts think that the collective may be on to something.

“Well, I guess I can see the logic of not wanting to track stuff into the house aspect, but that’s sort of lipstick on a pig,” stated professional closet organizer Ben Kepler. “I think this is really more of a final step a household takes after they’ve cleaned, polished, replaced the floors, removed the dead rodents, tore down the walls and foundation, rebuilt the entire property, and maybe just swept a bit for God’s sake. I think it’s admirable to want to keep a clean and orderly home, but there’s a procedure of how these things are done.”

The collective is currently at a deadlock over who would remove and replace the empty toilet paper roll that’s been sitting on the holder for the last 14 months.

Why My Shitty Dead-End Office Job Means No Video Game Developer Should Complain Ever

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As video games become an even larger part of our culture, the conversation over overtime work, employee crunch, and unions are getting more and more heated. Should video game developers work upwards of 100 hours a week? Are our standards for AAA games becoming too high? Should fans be upset when release dates inevitably get pushed back? 

Ultimately all of these questions are answered with one very simple truth: my current office job sucks shit and, as a result, no one should even think about complaining.

When it comes to discussions about how hard it is being a video game developer, I always find myself thinking about my own awful job as a data entry clerk for a shipping company. Every single day that I go to work, I fucking hate myself. I hate my boss, I hate my co-workers, and I hate the work I do with every fiber of my being. I often work very late and I get terrible benefits, despite the many hours I put into my job. So that’s the bar for me that I use to judge everybody else’s job.

The thing is, I don’t even get to do anything worthwhile at my job. Video game developers are living the life. They spend their days and their nights making video games and they sometimes get paid a bunch of money to do it! So if their bosses abuse them, big deal — so do mine. Just the other day, my boss called me a “fuckstick” in front of the entire team because I accidentally printed 400 flyers on pink paper instead of white. How was I supposed to know that was important? I am not a fuckstick. To me, the only people who deserve to be called a fuckstick, is anyone who complains about having a worse job than me.

At the end of the day, my job is worse than everyone else’s job on the planet. And that’s why I don’t think anyone should have a better job. Because if I have to do it, then so should you. Except for cops, of course, who I think everyone should be a little bit nicer to.

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Gamer Who Bought Entire Trilogy on Sale Quits Halfway Through First Game

Posted on by Saad Khan

DES PLAINES, Ill. — Local gamer James Johnson, who recently purchased the Assassin’s Creed: Ezio Trilogy collection, has reportedly quit halfway through the first entry, and has no plans to resume his playthrough. 

“I haven’t ‘quit’ playing it entirely,” said Johnson, hovering his cursor over the “Load Game” option in Assassin’s Creed II, the first game in the series to feature protagonist Ezio Auditore da Firenze, but hesitating to actually select it. “It’s more of a sabbatical. I started out determined to get 100% completion on all three games, so maybe I just went a bit too hard. But I’ll be fine after a little break. I just need to cleanse my palate with different types of games.”

Johnson was eight hours into Assassin’s Creed II when he abruptly stopped playing several months ago. When asked why he purchased the entire trilogy up front if he couldn’t realistically complete it, he claimed it was the only rational decision.

“It was ten bucks a pop, anyone else would’ve done the same,” he said. “And I’ve wanted to get into Assassin’s Creed for a while anyway, so I was just like, let’s do it. Let’s finally become part of the culture and find out how much of a baller Ezio is. I mean, come on, you fight the pope at the end of ACII. The pope! And then there are two more games after that? No question. Sign me up.”

Johnson couldn’t produce a clear answer when asked how long he expects his break to last. He became noticeably more confrontational as questioning persisted, pulling up his Steam profile.

“I mean, look, I’ve still got all of the games installed,” he insisted, aggressively. “I’ll get around to them when I have time, but I’m still playing them. What are you, the backlog police?”

At press time, Johnson reportedly took advantage of another franchise sale to purchase all remaining entries in the Assassin’s Creed series. His Steam profile shows that he has yet to launch any of them.

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Opinion: I’m Not a Joy Division Fan These Are Stretch Marks

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

Ugh, this happens everytime I go to the beach. I’m sitting there relaxing, finally exhaling the stress of my 9-to-5, and then, boom! Like clockwork, some pasty, tired-looking hipster appears from under the boardwalk, points at my stomach area, and says something like, “yeah man, the emergence of artists rebelling against the orthodoxy of punk sort of made post-punk the true punks, you know? Hey, can I bum a cig?” And like every time that came before it, I cut him off and explain that while my stomach may have a lot of jagged lines that resemble the “Unknown Pleasures” cover art, I do not give the smallest fuck about Joy Division. These are stretch marks from a baby who will be exclusively listening to hair metal.

I can’t stand these hipsters, grilling me with their music trivia nonsense. I listen to Top 40, only. My favorite band is Imagine Dragons. Anything I know about Joy Division I leaned against my goddam will.

At 9 months pregnant, I am a very stressed individual! But anything relaxing usually involves taking off my shirt. Like, I was getting a massage the other day and when I took my shirt off and turned back around, there’s that pasty guy again! Telling me, “yeah so like, me and some of the guys are starting a New Order cover band, but making it more shoe gazey?” Ahh!

If I’m being honest, my stretch marks may have caused me immense, emotional anguish but I wear my scars like the art they are. There’s a romanticism about the darkness I feel. In this gloom and doom I can explore the true depths of my soul.

Hey, can I bum a cig?