Man Torn Between Supporting Local Business or Business He Enjoys

Posted on by Dan Luberto

BOSTON — Socially conscious punk Casey Chaminski is reportedly torn today between supporting a local coffee roaster that consistently fucks up his order, or a national chain that safely provides him with a consistent coffee each time.

“I’d prefer not to go to Starbucks when there’s a local, fair trade, vegan coffee shop owned and operated by punks right around the corner in Blood Oath Coffee. It’s just… I know when I go to Starbucks, I won’t get burnt coffee, and the barista won’t spend an extra 35 minutes trying to make a perfect pentagram in the latte foam,” said Chaminski while still waiting for his latte. “I really want to support Blood Oath cause they’re all about activism and causes I support, but every time I go, the baristas ignore me for about 10 minutes before laughing at me for wearing loafers to work.”

Allston residents of all stripes admit they’ve also wavered over supporting the struggling local business.

“It’s like Blood Oath is actively trying to hurt my feelings whenever I go there,” said reluctant potential customer Patrick Hooper, who walks past the coffee shop every morning on the way to the T. “Last time I went there, they said I couldn’t order while wearing a Less Than Jake shirt. They made me turn it inside out in front of everyone, and then laughed at a scar on my stomach I got when I fell onto a piece of rebar while playing at a construction site when I was six and almost fucking died. At least when I order by the Starbucks app it never makes me feel like shit.”

Dani Carlson, a supervising member of Boston’s Independent Business Association, conceded that some small business owners need help with customer service.

“It’s hard running a small business, especially when you’re up against corporations that provide a quality product and emphasize customer service,” said Carlson. “But it’s especially hard running a small business when you and your employees taunt and ridicule potential customers. If you look on Yelp and see a lot of one-star reviews with testimonials like, ‘The employees at this business are going to buy my therapist’s kids first cars,’ or ‘I never had suicidal thoughts until dealing with the staff at this place,’ then maybe it’s time to reevaluate what you are doing.”

In related news, Chaminski was forced to order a book off Amazon this morning when his local anarchist bookstore did not stock any titles his mother might enjoy as a birthday gift.

5 Alternatives To Declawing Your Cat That Involve Adding More Claws

Posted on by John Merrifield

Declawing an animal is a barbaric and sadistic practice and mainstream society is finally starting to take notice. Some states, including Jersey, have even gone so far as to outlaw the procedure entirely. That’s a good start, but if we really want to send a message to cat butcherers everywhere what we really need is more claws.

We have to go a step further and empower our fuzzy little fluffer puffs to better defend themselves against the most common threats they face. Here are a few fun cosmetic surgeries that you and your fur baby might want to consider:

1) The Hemingway: There’s nothing more empowering than opposable thumbs. Toss in a retractable claw and you’ve got the tools to take over the world. And if you’re like me, you think your precious pretty princess deserves the whole world. This simple and safe procedure will add a fully-operational bonus bean to each of your pal’s four paws.

2) The Spike Strip: There is no loss more unbearable than that of a beloved animal, and most families never see justice served when their household staple is murdered by a careless motorist. But imagine if little Felix had a razor-sharp mane adorning her backside? A car’s tire would be no match for the sheer devastation that would come from making contact with your beautiful baby girl’s bristled behind, and the driver responsible for her death would almost certainly leave the scene in an ambulance. Instant justice.

3) Kitty Cleats: Sometimes danger can be taller than the cover a measly “tree” can provide. To be completely safe, your kitty needs to be completely unreachable. “Kitty Cleats” will add 5 additional retractable claws to the bottoms of your baby’s beans, giving them the ability to scale any wall or surface with insect-like ease.

4) Sabreteeth: A more modest modification that involves surgically implanting two cat-claws into the upper jaw. They retract, they attack, but more importantly, you’ll love them or your money back.

5) The Porcupine: This one is pretty much exactly like it sounds. They cover your whole cat in claws. When they’re relaxed, they’re like an armadillo. When they’re scared, they’re like a fucking nightmare dreamed up in hell. Comes with armored gloves.

Those are currently the only procedures on the market. However, scientific advancements happen every day, so who knows where they’ll be able to put claws on your cat a year from now? I’m not getting my hopes up, but what if…

…6) The Sarlacc?

Chipmunks Seeking New Frontman After Alvin Carried Off by Hawk

Posted on by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Popular musical act Alvin and the Chipmunks are seeking a new frontman this week following the death of their previous lead vocalist, Alvin, after he was carried off by a hawk and presumably eaten alive.

“It breaks my heart to announce this, but I must confirm that Alvin T. Chipmunk has passed away,” said the late Chipmunk’s manager and adoptive father Dave Seville while holding back tears. “We were in the studio recording the group’s newest album when the little guy stepped outside for some fresh air, and a hawk swooped down and carried my son off to its nest to feed its own children. Our family is grieving, but we know Alvin would have wanted this album to be finished, which is why we are looking for a new lead vocalist to join the band. No one can replace the high-pitched voice we’ve all come to love, but we have to try. Plus, his tiny hat fell off mid-air, so the new singer can use that if they want.”

The late singer’s brother Theodore was the last to see Alvin alive.

“We were out front having a smoke and talking about the drums on the song we just recorded when I heard this loud screech,” Theodore said. “Next thing I know, Alvin is gone and Dave comes rushing out the door and shouting. He’s like, ‘Alvin? Alvin! AAAAAAAAALVIN!’ Normally it’s funny when he does that, but now I can still hear it echoing off the stillness in the air that day.”

Despite their loss, remaining members of the group are determined to continue creating music, even in the absence of one of their founding members.

“Of course I’m devastated at the loss of my brother, but we have to press on and complete the album in his memory,” explained Simon Chipmunk via Zoom. “We’ve certainly had some interesting candidates to fill Alvin’s role, but none have quite captured that perfect mix of grating vocals and catchy rhythms our fans expect. Bob Dylan was in here earlier, and we were looking forward to working with such a legend, but then he wouldn’t stop asking if the hula hoop Alvin sang about in our Christmas song was a metaphor for the abolishment of the military industrial complex.”

“Christ, man. My brother just wanted a hula hoop,” Simon added.

Both Seville and The Chipmunks will continue to interview potential singers, including a visibly nervous Barney the Dinosaur, who was overheard attempting to explain the current 10-year gap in his résumé to the group.

Guy Who Didn’t Have $60 All Year Thinks Genshin Impact Was Snubbed at Game Awards

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ARLINGTON, Va. — A gamer who was furloughed from his job earlier this year and has therefore had minimal recreational spending money claims that Genshin Impact, the action-RPG that was released for free on iOS, Android, and PS4 earlier this year, deserved far more recognition from this year’s Game Awards. 

“I didn’t have the cash to pick up Last of Us 2, Doom Eternal, Animal Crossing, or even fucking Hades for god’s sake,” said Roderick Pierce who was one of over 20 million employees that lost their jobs earlier this year as the COVID-19 pandemic first hit the United States. “But Genshin gave me hundreds of hours of free content that I can play on my phone, so I was able to enjoy it even after I sold my PlayStation 4 to cover the water bill in July. Just an incredible title, and a real gift for the fans of the genre, as well as anyone that was largely left to fend for themselves this year.” 

Representatives from the Game Awards defended last night’s ceremony, which saw Genshin Impact lose both awards it was nominated for; Best Mobile Game and Best RPG.

“What can I say? It was a packed year,” said Geoff Keighley, longtime executive producer and host of the broadcast. “Genshin did a lot of things right, but at the end of the day we felt it was too derivative of Breath of the Wild to really be included amongst a list of the year’s absolute best games. So this guy got a check for twelve hundred dollars and is complaining about not being able to afford video games? Maybe he should be a little smarter with his money.”

When told of his comments, Pierce disagreed with Keighley’s assessment of the game’s relevance.

“Yeah, it was a lot like Breath of the Wild, in that it was the only game I was able to play in 2020,” he said. “But other than that, Genshin gives you over 20 playable characters to pick from, and I never had to explain to my wife that Breath of the Wild wasn’t some anime porn thing when she saw me playing. They’re totally different games, don’t be absurd.”

As of press time, Pierce had closed Genshin and was watching a Let’s Play of The Last of Us 2 on YouTube.

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Games Award Presenter Christopher Nolan Urges People to Play Games in Theaters on the Big Screen

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Presenter Christopher Nolan delivered an ad libbed plea to the audience at tonight’s Game Awards to play video games in crowded movie theaters as often as possible.

“Theaters are a vital part of social life,” said Nolan, the writer and director of Tenet, which had a controversial and lackluster theatrical run earlier this year. “It is no longer enough to simply continue watching films in them. We must game in them as well. As I see it, the ideal gaming experience would be the 100 participants in a game of Fortnite somehow all sharing a theater, enjoying the stereo sound and image quality still only possible on the big screen. And if they want to watch Inception while they’re in there, that’s fine too!”

Nolan made comments earlier in the week disparaging the decision by Warner Bros. to forgo traditional cinematic releases for their tentpole pictures of 2021 and instead premiere them on the HBO Max streaming platform at the same time as their theatrical releases. His streak of controversial statements continued earlier tonight, forcing those associated with the show to distance themselves from them. 

“On behalf of everyone involved with the Game Awards, I would like to apologize for Christopher Nolan’s brazenly irresponsible and downright nonsensical recommendation to have large gaming parties inside of multiplex theaters,” said Geoff Keighley, longtime executive producer and host of the Game Awards. “As such, we must insist that nobody take his advice and also begin having large family gatherings and business meetings inside of their local cinemas. I’ve never even heard of that.”

As of press time, Nolan has saluted the house band’s decision to play music over the end of his speech so as to render his dialogue inaudible.

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Struggling to Fill Time, Geoff Keighley Looks Around Room to Improvise Game Announcement

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

LOS ANGELES — Speaking slowly while his eyes darted around his home for inspiration to help him ad-lib, gaming news personality Geoff Keighley improvised an entire surprise game announcement on the fly while hosting The Game Awards Thursday night.

“Yes, uh, that’s right. We here at The Game Awards, um, are excited to announce the worldwide exclusive n-news which is a…new….Caaaaastle….vania….game!” Keighley said, squinting and straining his face as he grasped for more words to fill out his clearly unprepared freestyling. “It’s called, uh, let’s see…Castlevania: Coat Rack of The Night, and it’s the newest game from Konami made in partnership with, let’s say Kitchen Sink Studios. Yeah, that sounds real.”

Fans online were quick to agree that the very flimsy-sounding plot details in Keighley’s preview of the game included many words for objects that were clearly just things in his immediate line of sight.

“At first I was really excited for CotN, but then it started to sound seriously fake,” said Reddit user MiserableLilPile. “Like you really expect me to believe that the main weapon in the game is a ballpoint pen? How would that even work, Geoff?” 

At press time, Keighley reportedly concluded the announcement with the news that a demo of the new game would be available to download next week on laundry day.

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Ad Blocker Makes Game Awards 7 Minutes Long

Posted on by James Gavigan

LOS ANGELES— The 2020 Game Awards were reduced to an anemic seven minutes of content after audience members tuned in to the industry award show with ad blockers enabled. 

“I know that there have always been a lot of promos and commercials baked into the The Game Awards, but I guess I thought it was more of an even mix of actual awarding and advertising,” said Mia Philips, who viewed the awards show. “It threw me for a loop when the feed cut out before the Silent Hill gameplay trailer because I’d forgotten that ‘world premiere’ trailers are still just another kind of ad, after all.”

Geoff Keighley, executive producer and host of the 2020 Game Awards, defended the show’s programming despite the fact that ad blockers eliminated ninety percent of its content.

“The Game Awards are a celebration of gaming by gamers, for gamers, and especially by and for game marketers,” said Keighley. “I’m proud to host an awards show that brings gamers together to watch advertisements that will be fed to them by social media algorithms for months to come. And hey, if you want to stick around for the awards, that’s great!”

Keighley expects the 2021 Game Awards to be even bigger with the inclusion of an award for Best Accolades Trailer, which he expects to be sandwiched between ads for whatever the Call of Duty franchise has coming out at the time.

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Opinion: That Guy Was Always a Dick To Me, but I Guess It Sucks He Died

Posted on by John Danek

Oh yeah, I remember Skyler. God, I couldn’t stand that dude. He was always blocking me from getting into my locker and fucking with my hair in school. Can’t say he matured much after that either.

But it’s pretty tragic that he died, I suppose. It was an avalanche while skiboarding that killed him, right? Wow, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Damn, what a way to go out. At least he died doing something he loved?

I mean, it’s sad when anybody dies, right? Right? I’ll miss him as much as you can possibly miss someone who called you a “pussy” every time you saw them.

If we’re being honest here, I can’t say I’m all THAT surprised. One time he offered me a ride home from all-you-can-eat wings night, and he was speeding up to see how close he could get to the car in front of us without touching it. I’ll never forget the way he cackled as I gripped the door for dear life. He really got off on others’ discomfort and fear. What a reckless douche.

But, you know, it’s still like a tragedy and stuff. Just because he tried to fuck every girlfriend I had in high school doesn’t mean he deserved to die young. I mean no one should die that young or whatever.

Of course I hope his family is doing well in this difficult time. No parent should have to bury a child. That’s just not the way nature intended life to happen. Yeah, I’m going to drop by the funeral home to pay my respects, it’s only right. I guess.

Every time he would run into my mom he would ask about me like we were best friends. Then when I’d see him at holidays he’d constantly razz me for moving away like I think I’m better than everyone. Like, c’mon dude, you can’t have it both ways. Either we’re friends and there’s a sense of respect, or we’re not. Quit the charade.

The charade is over for good, unfortunately. I’m not really religious, though times like these really kinda make you think about the universe and life and stuff. I hope whatever afterlife he’s in is peaceful and that his family gets to a place of similar peace. He definitely seems like the cremation type.

Wait, I just remembered that he owed me $120 for his room on that cabin trip we all took. The one where he threw up into my duffel bag. Do you think I should ask his parents? I’m willing to let the duffel bag go.

Acquaintance Wonders if You Want to Do That Thing You Do for Money But for Free

Posted on by John Danek

SAN DIEGO — An acquaintance from high school was wondering today if you’d be interested in a really cool opportunity to do some of the graphic design work you do professionally for no monetary compensation, according to an unprompted Facebook message.

“Hey! Looks like you’ve been doing really well in your career the past few years. Remember that time that we made Mrs. Merril cry in 9th grade homeroom? Haha good times,” started the ominous message from fellow high school alum Phil Dobasso, whom you haven’t seen in person since 2008 and only rarely likes your posts on Facebook. “I’m creating a startup to make apps (we don’t really have a specific app idea yet) and we’re going to need some logos and mockups. No money yet, we’re all just doing this for free, but should lead to some really cool stuff later on? Lemme know if you’re down to help out!”

Your best friend, Cathy Miller, who has kept in closer contact with Dobasso over the years, suggested you exercise caution in business deals with old acquaintances.

“That fuckin’ idiot? Don’t even reply to Phil. If our dads weren’t best friends, I wouldn’t ever speak to that goon,” stated Miller, who regrettably hooked up with Debosso once after the Christmas Dance during your junior year. “You don’t owe him shit, and you will literally never see a cent of payment. It’s not worth the stress or effort. Anyways, can you help me update my resume website? It looks like ass.”

Economists advise that providing free labor to old acquaintances, especially those from high school, can be devastating to one’s personal finances and sanity.

“Talented people sometimes feel a sense of obligation to those from their hometown, or even someone they briefly worked with nine years ago, and are willing to help without any compensation so people will think they’re still cool and don’t think they ‘forget where they come from,’ but all that is bullshit,” explained Lara Blythe, an economist at Forbes. “Your time is more valuable than anything, so don’t waste it fulfilling the desires of someone who moved a whopping two suburban blocks away from mommy & daddy, and quite possibly makes more money than you do anyway. These favors will never be profitable, and will affect your bank account more than going to Starbucks three times per week.”

In related news, your sister’s best friend’s younger brother was wondering if he could “pick your brain” over coffee for a few hours about graphic design, assuring you that it will be “his treat.”

How I Got Sober by Not Counting Hard Seltzers as Alcohol

Posted on by Alec Stein

For many, the road to recovery is a long, harrowing journey down a path paved in the stones from their rock bottom. Mantras are repeated, knuckles are whitened, and for what? Improved health? Self-accountability? Sounds like work.

Lucky for you, getting sober, like most things in life, can be done without all that arduous nonsense. Leave higher powers for men of the cloth and allow me to share with you the simple trick I used for getting sober: Hard Seltzer.

Hard Seltzer is so light and refreshing it couldn’t possibly count as booze, and in fact, I’ve decided It doesn’t! Furthermore, seltzer is used as a remedy for stomach ailments, so drinking these is more or less the same thing as taking vitamins. (These claims have not been verified by the FDA, TTB, or any of the cashiers at my local 711.)

For the uninitiated, a regular seltzer would be something like LaCroix; carbonated water with a subtle essence of fruity flavor. A seltzer is considered “hard” when it has a modest ABV and you knock back twelve of those bad boys because they are so damn refreshing!

These things have been the secret to me staying on the wagon. Whenever I feel the urge to slide back into a bottle, I just go buy a case or two of White Claws. Around the third can, I’ll already feel my urges dissipating and by morning I’ll be waking up pantless on my couch, not even remembering why I wanted to drink in the first place!

When I was drinking it got so bad that my wife threatened to leave and take the kids. Now that I’m sober except for hard seltzer which does not count, I have the clarity of mind to realize that single life ain’t so bad. Plus I’m super hydrated now!

For more seasoned drinkers, Trulys or High Noons might lack the kick they are accustomed to. This is where hard seltzers really shine. Simply take the favorite liquor you no longer drink and pour a bit in the seltzer. Bang! Just like that, you’ll be able to perfectly replicate the taste of alcohol and be enjoying a nice, sober blackout in no time.

Trust me, you can do this. I was about as bad of a drunk as there ever was, swerving all over the road every night and raising hell. Now, I get into shenanigans and drive fun-style!