Band Torn Between Staying Punk as Fuck, Improving SEO

Posted on by John Danek

SAYREVILLE, N.J. — New Jersey punk band PornDotCom has been struggling to tow the line between defying expectations of the mainstream and having favorable results in search engines, report sources from within the band.

“When we started this band, we had one decree: to be punk as fuck, every fucking day. PornDotCom is the perfect name because even if you wanted to find us, you can’t find us,” said frontwoman Kelly Stotz, who insists on using only punctuation for song titles. “But it turns out, people really can’t find us anywhere, on any search engine. And in the rare event that the search doesn’t get outright filtered, you just get porn sites. Obviously.”

“We’ve been banned from most streaming services, which is fucking cool and punk, but also sucks for us,” agreed drummer Jami Tsung. “Our shows are empty. Which is punk! But very depressing. It’s caused some real soul-searching within the band. Fuck, maybe it’s time to try writing a hook… and learning what the hell Open Graph meta tags are.”

Diehard PornDotCom fan Doyle Cunningham admitted he wishes he didn’t have to qualify what “diehard PornDotCom fan” meant when talking with other punk fans.

“They’re my favorite band, but they make it really difficult sometimes — no official website, all their social media accounts were suspended, and the fact they named their first album ‘Google’ makes their music a digital nightmare,” grumbled Cunningham, who has been debating getting a “PornDotCom” tattoo for the past year. “Punk names are so easy to come up with; the dumber, the better. Name the band Poopshoot. Doctor Frankenschlong. NOFX 2. Boom, three potentially legendary band names right there. At least those are more searchable.”

Indeed, legal forces may compel PornDotCom to change the name for reasons other than SEO and artistic value.

“I didn’t pay $9.5 million for the porn.com domain to have some three-chord shits from Jersey cop my property,” explained Porn.Com owner Chet “Cock” Lannigan. “We just sent a lawyer to Stotz’s place of residence, which appears to be her friend’s garage. So while I don’t feel great about suing her, I have to protect my site if they won’t budge.”

After weeks of debate, PornDotCom announced that they are changing their band name to The.

‘Hades’ Video Game Inexplicably Wins TIME’s 2020 Person of the Year

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — TIME Magazine has shocked the world, announcing today that their 2020 Person of the Year is inexplicably Supergiant Games’ roguelike Hades, beating out Ariana Grande, Jeff Bezos, Bernie Sanders and more.

“At TIME, we always want to make sure that the person of the year is someone who had a major impact on the world, whether good or bad. We know that Hades is kind of winning all the awards, but we just couldn’t help ourselves and had to nominate it for this too. I mean, holy shit, a roguelike with a story? That’s nuts!” said TIME in an article. “Truthfully, we had a huge internal fight about choosing the game Among Us, but some people think that it shouldn’t count because it technically came out in 2018. Whatever. So it was really a toss up between Jeff Bezos and Hades.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Supergiant Games developers are happy to have won the unexpected award.

“It’s weird because our game is a game, not a person,” said Supergiant Games co-founder Amir Rao. “I can’t complain, though — I’m just so happy the game is getting any recognition at all. When we originally started working on the game, it was just supposed to be a Greek mythology inspired romance novel to pass around the office and get off to, so it’s really incredible to see how far this little project has come.”

As of press time, Supergiant Games said they were focusing on their next project: a presidential candidate for 2024.

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Instagram Search History Somehow More Embarrassing Than Porn Search History

Posted on by Stephen Bell

HELL, Mich. — Instagram user and avid pornography viewer Eric Stafford found himself more embarrassed yesterday by his Instagram search history than his porn viewing habits after an accident revealed his private browsing to all of his friends and family, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Honestly, I don’t give a damn if people know what kind of pornography I’m looking up,” said a mortified Stafford. “Yeah, I like big titties and asses, and I think certain porn models are really attractive. Big whoop. But try explaining to your female acquaintances whom you interact with daily why you’re looking them up on Instagram multiple times a day, and sometimes multiple times an hour. Now everybody on the search history list probably thinks I’m perving on them… or that I’m perving on Steve Burns from ‘Blue’s Clues,’ because he was surprisingly high on the list as well. It was a recent, one-time search, I swear!”

Stafford’s friend Jake Garrett was surprised by how sad he felt after seeing the search history.

“Look, I’m not the kind of guy to kink shame,” said a rather understanding Garrett. “So even if he was looking up group foot stuff on Pornhub, or little people getting fucked while playing kazoos or something, I wouldn’t care. Heck, he could even be looking up milky mommies eating Cheerios from each other’s tum-tums and I wouldn’t judge. What really gets me sad is all of the ex-girlfriends on that list, because some of them were my ex-girlfriends, and that’s pretty fucking weird. I mean, he’s still looking up Jasmine Samuels, and it’s like, dude… that was seven years ago. She has a family now. Just leave her alone.”

Internet privacy expert Heather Coschigano gave their advice on how to avoid this sort of embarrassment in the future.

“You need to be clearing your search history and cache regularly,” said Coschigano. “You may also consider getting what the kids call a ‘finsta,’ which stands for ‘fake Instagram,’ that allows you to keep a certain level of discretion while stalking your exes and other people you think are hot but are too milquetoast to actually approach and express your feelings to. Another option might be to be an actual adult, move on with your life, and stop pining for a reality that isn’t meant to be. But hey, psychology isn’t my field, so what do I know.”

Stafford was exposed again this morning when an external hard drive filled with erotic poetry he wrote last summer was discovered under his bed.

Metalhead Dad Too Inexperienced to Teach Son How to Shave

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CLEVELAND — Local metalhead and father Bruce Howardt could not teach his son the simple basics of shaving yesterday due to his relative inexperience with the grooming routine, sources told to ask their mother if she could do it reported.

“I haven’t technically shaved since the ’90s for the two weeks I had an office job, and I remember that being a blood bath: I was fired because my face kept bleeding on a bunch of legal documents, which I thought was metal as fuck and my bosses thought was disgusting,” said Howardt while methodically caring for his fresh Slayer tattoo. “I was able to tell my son everything I knew about beard maintenance — like the right oils, how to get spaghetti out of it, and what to do when it inevitably gets entangled in thread while sewing patches on your denim jacket — but that seemed to go over his head. I guess he’s just not ready for what I call ‘the talk’ just yet.”

For his part, Howardt’s son Mikey was relatively unsurprised at his father’s inability to impart basic knowledge.

“Based on the Youtube videos I was forced to watch to get an idea on how this works, I found that my dad pretty much got every single thing wrong,” said the 13-year-old. “He said my face should be bone dry beforehand, that it didn’t matter which direction to use the razor, and that shaving cream goes on afterwards to soothe the burn. Basically, I wound up teaching him how to shave the next day. It’s kind of like how I have to tie his tie for him when he has to get dressed up for court because he doesn’t know how.”

Experts have noticed a trend in parents neglecting to teach their children elementary tasks.

“Shaving, paying bills, yardwork… parents today simply do not prepare their kids for adulthood’s menial duties,” said family psychologist Rachel Betterdon. “Nowadays, children actually learn a majority of life lessons from the internet, all while inadvertently becoming radicalized by alt-right propaganda and conspiracy theories propagated by these websites’ precarious and opportunistic algorithms. Some parents call it an even tradeoff.”

Mr. Howardt has since attempted to make up for his failed shaving lesson by teaching his infant daughter how to decipher death metal show flyers.

Report: “ACAB” Includes Friendly Old Crossing Guard, Gus

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

EUGENE, Ore. — Tearful members of the Whiteaker Neighborhood Association determined through contentions debate yesterday that the common protest refrain “ACAB,” standing for “All Cops Are Bastards,” regrettably included elderly crossing guard Gus Winkle.

“This was a very difficult and unpleasant decision that has torn our community apart, but one that had to be made. Despite his title and demeanor, ol’ Gus is part of the state-sanctioned murder patrol,” said community board director Bob Coogan. “Granted, as an 80-year-old retiree, he’s about as far from a cop as you can get, even lower than a bouncer… but he puts the uniform on every morning nonetheless. One person argued that it shouldn’t count since he doesn’t carry a gun or issue citations, or even enforce any laws and just gently suggests cars take speed bumps slower. But I shut down that foolishness, full stop.”

Winkle, who took the crossing guard job six months ago following the passing of his longtime wife, seemed unconcerned.

“Well, I always felt it was poor form to talk politics at work, so I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. I just make sure the kids get to school safely,” the genial octogenarian said in the midst of a torrent of verbal abuse from passing cars. “I took some heavy fire when I was in Vietnam, so people yelling at me from cars doesn’t phase me too much… plus, I can barely tell what they’re saying. After Doris died, it’s just been nice to get out of the house and have something to do. Seeing these kids smiling faces is the highlight of my day.”

Sociologists and urban studies experts noted that “grey area” positions, such as crossing guards and mall cops, are the latest entangled in the full scope of “ACAB.”

“I don’t know… I think this one might be a bit too far,” remarked University of Oregon sociologist Michelle Lloyd. “I want to commend this community for being committed to the ‘ACAB’ cause, but I mean, this guy is just some old guy with a cap, whistle, and stop sign. Is he actually telling anyone what to do in an enforceable way?”

Winkle is reportedly now facing criticism for keeping the “Stop” sign up longer for black cars.

Opinion: I Take COVID Seriously, Just Not as Seriously as I Take Banging Strangers

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

Lately, it feels like all my friends and family judge me for dating in quarantine. They take it as a sign that I’m not treating the pandemic seriously. They’re wrong. I am profoundly saddened by the growing number of lives lost during this pandemic. I really am. That’s why nowadays I always make sure to wear a mask while sleeping with potentially infected strangers.

Sure, COVID is awful, and sleeping with strangers is an easy way to spread the disease, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I stay socially distant while grocery shopping, and never show up to a party with more than 10 people. I care more than most people. It just so happens that I care slightly more about getting it on with some people I’ve never met before.

Do you think I’m proud of the fact that I spend almost every night packed in an illegal underground nightclub, grinding on sweaty bodies, as cases climb higher and higher every day? Of course not. COVID-19 is highly contagious and spreads easily in such an environment. But do I not also have an obligation to myself to raw dog as many strangers as I can before I inevitably die of COVID-19 as a result of my irresponsible behavior? I believe that I do.

If I’m being completely honest part of me will be sad when this is all over and having sex with strangers goes back to the normal level of dangerous/exciting. It’s going to be weird fucking strangers without masks on.

We must face the fact that, as hospitals across the country near capacity, decisive action needs to be taken before it’s too late. Unfortunately, that decisive action will not come in the form of me abstaining from having sex with every consenting individual I encounter. It simply cannot. There’s too much on the line.

To show how that I am cognizant of the devastating effects of this disease, I hereby volunteer to be vaccinated first, before healthcare workers and the elderly. After all, who’s more at risk than us frontline fuckers?

Marcy Playground Reveal They Smelled Anal Sex and Candy Corn, Specifically

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — ‘90s alternative music darlings Marcy Playground revealed yesterday that their hit song “Sex and Candy” was more specifically about anal sex and candy corn, side-eyeing witnesses reported.

“We shortened the title and chorus after the producer highly encouraged us not to be so lyrically precise and leave a little something to the imagination,” said John Wozniak, singer and guitarist for the band. “But listeners ended up inventing wildly inaccurate interpretations of their own instead — one critic thought it was a metaphor for the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky scandal, and another hypothesized it to be about the sexual proclivities of comedic actor John Candy. They’re all wrong, though. It’s straight up about two unmistakably distinct aromas: butt stuff, and a type of candy inexplicably despised by trick-or-treaters, even though I personally quite enjoy them. Anyway, it was time to clear the air.”

Fans were noticeably shocked to learn the nitty gritty particulars of the song.

“Sometimes it’s best for songwriters to keep lyrical meanings to themselves, I guess,” said Rachel Evertree, longtime fan of that one song of theirs. “But in all fairness, how am I supposed to explain the true meaning of this song to my kids? I mean, they’ve never once asked nor have ever acknowledged the song’s existence, and they actually seem to dislike all music pre-2010 anyway. Regardless, it’s only a matter of time before I have to give them the ‘talk’ on Marcy Playground and ‘90s lyrics in general.”

Experts have long documented the use of nebulous lyrics in alternative music.

“Specificity never translates to a hit song,” said music critic Danielle Patroning. “Look no further than literally any Nirvana song — sure, they had a ton of hits that were cool as hell, but under the hood, all their lyrics were downright unintelligible. I mean, have you read the words to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ lately? It’s a reading comprehension nightmare. You’ll have a way easier time understanding the message of Weird Al’s ‘Smells Like Nirvana’ parody.”

Marcy Playground has since offered up more specific meanings to their other songs, but gave up after no one seemed to know any of their other material.

Persona 5 Fans Speak Out Against City of Tokyo for Blatant Rip-Off of Shibuya Crossing

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

TOKYO — Persona 5 fans online are speaking out against the city of Tokyo today after eagle-eyed social media users discovered evidence that a popular tourist attraction in Japan’s capital is actually a blatant rip-off of the 2017 RPG’s iconic Shibuya Crossing location.

Photos of the allegedly copied landmark, which is featured prominently throughout the critically-acclaimed Atlus game, were first noticed by Persona fans on the official Japanese tourism website and related social media pages.

Fans have also expressed their outrage in video essays on YouTube, such as one posted by user “OnegaiKawakamiSensei.”

“I wouldn’t be so angry about this if the rip-off were at least accurate, but I don’t recognize any of the businesses or characters in these photos,” said YouTuber OnegaiKawakamiSensei in a recent video breaking down the similarities between the original Shibuya Crossing seen in Persona 5 and the real-world plagiarized version. “There’s not a single Big Bang Burger location to be seen, not to mention the surprising absence of Toranosuke who should be standing in Station Square. Plus, I can’t even fast travel there with my phone! This is a shoddy knock-off, and that’s not just my opinion. I can only imagine how angry that people who have actually played Persona 5 must feel.”

At press time, fans had become angered all over again after discovering that the Japanese flag’s red and white color scheme had also been clearly ripped off from Persona 5’s user interface.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Runs Great When Injected Into Your Brain With a Large Syringe, But This Is No Indicator for Console

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WARSAW — Early reviews of CD Projekt Red’s Cyberpunk 2077 have made notes to specify that the game runs incredibly well when injected directly into your brain, but we do not know how it will run on either the PS5 or Xbox Series X.

“Cyberpunk looks absolutely terrific, but gamers need to understand that most reviews are playing on the very expensive and limited RTX 3080 graphics card,” said IGN reviewer Seth Kohl. “That, or they or were sent the special review-eyeballs that CD Projekt Red has pre-loaded the game on and sent surgeons around the world to install into people’s heads as advanced copies. The ray tracing for those is unbelievable, because it’s using actual light flowing through your review-eyeballs, but will very likely not look the same on the PS5, or even through normal eyeballs.”

“Personally, I had the game injected directly into my brain with a large syringe,” Kohl added. “It’s an interesting way to experience a game — loaded instantly into your consciousness and played within seconds, like having a dream that you can remember. But I have to imagine that it’s going to be slightly different on console. I’m definitely looking forward to getting it on my Xbox when it comes out and seeing for myself if the game feels as immersive or if I bleed as much out of my nose on certain missions.”

CD Projekt Red, however, explained in an interview that the game is intended to run smoothly across all versions.

“We understand that not everyone can afford to play Cyberpunk 2077 the way that it was meant to be played — shot into your chest with our new gamer-bullets — but Cyberpunk will still feel like the next big thing in video games no matter how you play it,” a representative said. “Whether it’s on a $1,000 graphics card that it’s impossible to buy or on a copy of the game developed for the PlayStation 2, but ported to the PlayStation 4 and uploaded via an SD card, we’re sure you’re in for a good time. So long as you don’t run into any glitches.”

As of press time, Sony and Microsoft released a joint warning to gamers explaining that running Cyberpunk 2077 on console will cause the device to erupt into flames.

 

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Cyberpunk 2077 Criticized for Unskippable Cutscene Where You Have to Eat Peanuts Even If You’re Allergic

Posted on by Andy Holt

WARSAW — Polish video game developer CD Projekt RED faced criticism for a cutscene in their new game Cyberpunk 2077, in which the player must eat a large bag of peanuts included with the game disc, even if they’re allergic.

“When creating games like Cyberpunk 2077 and The Witcher 3, our top priority is immersion. Will that make some people uncomfortable? Yes. Will it cause some people to go into anaphylactic shock in a matter of minutes, causing a massive drop in blood pressure and extreme difficulty breathing?” said a spokesperson for the company. “Also yes.”

Although CD Projekt RED was expected to issue an apology and a patch making the peanuts optional, the company insisted they had no way of anticipating the backlash.

“Look, we do our best, but you can’t make a game accessible to everybody. What if somebody is allergic to Keanu’s trademark blend of modesty and charisma? What if a gamer is hyper-sensitive to dystopian settings that kind of rip off Blade Runner but not in a flagrant way so it’s fine?” said the legal counsel for parent company DC Projekt S.A. “You just have to throw the bag of peanuts in there, make them mandatory, and hope for the best.”

When reached for comment, gamers with peanut allergies had mixed feelings.

“I try not to let my condition interfere with my life. I’ve been excited about this game for a long time, and I already sunk hours into making my character, so I just took a deep breath, stabbed my EpiPen into my leg and scarfed a handful of peanuts. I managed to clear the cutscene before I passed out,” said gamer Mollie Clarke, playing Cyberpunk 2077 on a laptop in her hospital bed. “Would’ve been nice to have the option to skip, though.”

When asked whether it was worth the sacrifice, Clarke hesitated.

“I guess so,” she said. “Game is kinda buggy.”

At press time, CD Projekt RED had yet to comment on the gameplay mechanic where you have to confront your abusive ex every time you upgrade your gun.

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