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Band Torn Between Staying Punk as Fuck, Improving SEO

SAYREVILLE, N.J. — New Jersey punk band PornDotCom has been struggling to tow the line between defying expectations of the mainstream and having favorable results in search engines, report sources from within the band.

“When we started this band, we had one decree: to be punk as fuck, every fucking day. PornDotCom is the perfect name because even if you wanted to find us, you can’t find us,” said frontwoman Kelly Stotz, who insists on using only punctuation for song titles. “But it turns out, people really can’t find us anywhere, on any search engine. And in the rare event that the search doesn’t get outright filtered, you just get porn sites. Obviously.”

“We’ve been banned from most streaming services, which is fucking cool and punk, but also sucks for us,” agreed drummer Jami Tsung. “Our shows are empty. Which is punk! But very depressing. It’s caused some real soul-searching within the band. Fuck, maybe it’s time to try writing a hook… and learning what the hell Open Graph meta tags are.”

Diehard PornDotCom fan Doyle Cunningham admitted he wishes he didn’t have to qualify what “diehard PornDotCom fan” meant when talking with other punk fans.

“They’re my favorite band, but they make it really difficult sometimes — no official website, all their social media accounts were suspended, and the fact they named their first album ‘Google’ makes their music a digital nightmare,” grumbled Cunningham, who has been debating getting a “PornDotCom” tattoo for the past year. “Punk names are so easy to come up with; the dumber, the better. Name the band Poopshoot. Doctor Frankenschlong. NOFX 2. Boom, three potentially legendary band names right there. At least those are more searchable.”

Indeed, legal forces may compel PornDotCom to change the name for reasons other than SEO and artistic value.

“I didn’t pay $9.5 million for the domain to have some three-chord shits from Jersey cop my property,” explained Porn.Com owner Chet “Cock” Lannigan. “We just sent a lawyer to Stotz’s place of residence, which appears to be her friend’s garage. So while I don’t feel great about suing her, I have to protect my site if they won’t budge.”

After weeks of debate, PornDotCom announced that they are changing their band name to The.