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Opinion: I Take COVID Seriously, Just Not as Seriously as I Take Banging Strangers

Lately, it feels like all my friends and family judge me for dating in quarantine. They take it as a sign that I’m not treating the pandemic seriously. They’re wrong. I am profoundly saddened by the growing number of lives lost during this pandemic. I really am. That’s why nowadays I always make sure to wear a mask while sleeping with potentially infected strangers.

Sure, COVID is awful, and sleeping with strangers is an easy way to spread the disease, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I stay socially distant while grocery shopping, and never show up to a party with more than 10 people. I care more than most people. It just so happens that I care slightly more about getting it on with some people I’ve never met before.

Do you think I’m proud of the fact that I spend almost every night packed in an illegal underground nightclub, grinding on sweaty bodies, as cases climb higher and higher every day? Of course not. COVID-19 is highly contagious and spreads easily in such an environment. But do I not also have an obligation to myself to raw dog as many strangers as I can before I inevitably die of COVID-19 as a result of my irresponsible behavior? I believe that I do.

If I’m being completely honest part of me will be sad when this is all over and having sex with strangers goes back to the normal level of dangerous/exciting. It’s going to be weird fucking strangers without masks on.

We must face the fact that, as hospitals across the country near capacity, decisive action needs to be taken before it’s too late. Unfortunately, that decisive action will not come in the form of me abstaining from having sex with every consenting individual I encounter. It simply cannot. There’s too much on the line.

To show how that I am cognizant of the devastating effects of this disease, I hereby volunteer to be vaccinated first, before healthcare workers and the elderly. After all, who’s more at risk than us frontline fuckers?