HELL, Mich. — Instagram user and avid pornography viewer Eric Stafford found himself more embarrassed yesterday by his Instagram search history than his porn viewing habits after an accident revealed his private browsing to all of his friends and family, disgusted sources confirmed.
“Honestly, I don’t give a damn if people know what kind of pornography I’m looking up,” said a mortified Stafford. “Yeah, I like big titties and asses, and I think certain porn models are really attractive. Big whoop. But try explaining to your female acquaintances whom you interact with daily why you’re looking them up on Instagram multiple times a day, and sometimes multiple times an hour. Now everybody on the search history list probably thinks I’m perving on them… or that I’m perving on Steve Burns from ‘Blue’s Clues,’ because he was surprisingly high on the list as well. It was a recent, one-time search, I swear!”
Stafford’s friend Jake Garrett was surprised by how sad he felt after seeing the search history.
“Look, I’m not the kind of guy to kink shame,” said a rather understanding Garrett. “So even if he was looking up group foot stuff on Pornhub, or little people getting fucked while playing kazoos or something, I wouldn’t care. Heck, he could even be looking up milky mommies eating Cheerios from each other’s tum-tums and I wouldn’t judge. What really gets me sad is all of the ex-girlfriends on that list, because some of them were my ex-girlfriends, and that’s pretty fucking weird. I mean, he’s still looking up Jasmine Samuels, and it’s like, dude… that was seven years ago. She has a family now. Just leave her alone.”
Internet privacy expert Heather Coschigano gave their advice on how to avoid this sort of embarrassment in the future.
“You need to be clearing your search history and cache regularly,” said Coschigano. “You may also consider getting what the kids call a ‘finsta,’ which stands for ‘fake Instagram,’ that allows you to keep a certain level of discretion while stalking your exes and other people you think are hot but are too milquetoast to actually approach and express your feelings to. Another option might be to be an actual adult, move on with your life, and stop pining for a reality that isn’t meant to be. But hey, psychology isn’t my field, so what do I know.”
Stafford was exposed again this morning when an external hard drive filled with erotic poetry he wrote last summer was discovered under his bed.