BOSTON — Socially conscious punk Casey Chaminski is reportedly torn today between supporting a local coffee roaster that consistently fucks up his order, or a national chain that safely provides him with a consistent coffee each time.
“I’d prefer not to go to Starbucks when there’s a local, fair trade, vegan coffee shop owned and operated by punks right around the corner in Blood Oath Coffee. It’s just… I know when I go to Starbucks, I won’t get burnt coffee, and the barista won’t spend an extra 35 minutes trying to make a perfect pentagram in the latte foam,” said Chaminski while still waiting for his latte. “I really want to support Blood Oath cause they’re all about activism and causes I support, but every time I go, the baristas ignore me for about 10 minutes before laughing at me for wearing loafers to work.”
Allston residents of all stripes admit they’ve also wavered over supporting the struggling local business.
“It’s like Blood Oath is actively trying to hurt my feelings whenever I go there,” said reluctant potential customer Patrick Hooper, who walks past the coffee shop every morning on the way to the T. “Last time I went there, they said I couldn’t order while wearing a Less Than Jake shirt. They made me turn it inside out in front of everyone, and then laughed at a scar on my stomach I got when I fell onto a piece of rebar while playing at a construction site when I was six and almost fucking died. At least when I order by the Starbucks app it never makes me feel like shit.”
Dani Carlson, a supervising member of Boston’s Independent Business Association, conceded that some small business owners need help with customer service.
“It’s hard running a small business, especially when you’re up against corporations that provide a quality product and emphasize customer service,” said Carlson. “But it’s especially hard running a small business when you and your employees taunt and ridicule potential customers. If you look on Yelp and see a lot of one-star reviews with testimonials like, ‘The employees at this business are going to buy my therapist’s kids first cars,’ or ‘I never had suicidal thoughts until dealing with the staff at this place,’ then maybe it’s time to reevaluate what you are doing.”
In related news, Chaminski was forced to order a book off Amazon this morning when his local anarchist bookstore did not stock any titles his mother might enjoy as a birthday gift.