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How I Got Sober by Not Counting Hard Seltzers as Alcohol

For many, the road to recovery is a long, harrowing journey down a path paved in the stones from their rock bottom. Mantras are repeated, knuckles are whitened, and for what? Improved health? Self-accountability? Sounds like work.

Lucky for you, getting sober, like most things in life, can be done without all that arduous nonsense. Leave higher powers for men of the cloth and allow me to share with you the simple trick I used for getting sober: Hard Seltzer.

Hard Seltzer is so light and refreshing it couldn’t possibly count as booze, and in fact, I’ve decided It doesn’t! Furthermore, seltzer is used as a remedy for stomach ailments, so drinking these is more or less the same thing as taking vitamins. (These claims have not been verified by the FDA, TTB, or any of the cashiers at my local 711.)

For the uninitiated, a regular seltzer would be something like LaCroix; carbonated water with a subtle essence of fruity flavor. A seltzer is considered “hard” when it has a modest ABV and you knock back twelve of those bad boys because they are so damn refreshing!

These things have been the secret to me staying on the wagon. Whenever I feel the urge to slide back into a bottle, I just go buy a case or two of White Claws. Around the third can, I’ll already feel my urges dissipating and by morning I’ll be waking up pantless on my couch, not even remembering why I wanted to drink in the first place!

When I was drinking it got so bad that my wife threatened to leave and take the kids. Now that I’m sober except for hard seltzer which does not count, I have the clarity of mind to realize that single life ain’t so bad. Plus I’m super hydrated now!

For more seasoned drinkers, Trulys or High Noons might lack the kick they are accustomed to. This is where hard seltzers really shine. Simply take the favorite liquor you no longer drink and pour a bit in the seltzer. Bang! Just like that, you’ll be able to perfectly replicate the taste of alcohol and be enjoying a nice, sober blackout in no time.

Trust me, you can do this. I was about as bad of a drunk as there ever was, swerving all over the road every night and raising hell. Now, I get into shenanigans and drive fun-style!