WASHINGTON — Residents of the punk house collective known as Radistan have reportedly “lost their goddamn fucking minds if they think anyone is going along with their take-off-your-shoes-indoors horseshit,” incredulous sources reported.
“When Greg first told me that the house was instituting a shoes-off indoors rule, I thought he was just busting my balls a bit… because there’s no fucking way I’m taking my shoes off in that toxic waste site of a house,” said collective friend Emma Holland. “First of all, they’ve never once cleaned those floors, which are always weirdly damp. Plus, every step you take has you dancing with the risk of splinters and nails coming through floorboards. If they’re serious about instituting this policy, they better institute payment for my tetanus shots when I step on an old beer can that’s been there since the first Bush Administration.”
Suggestions that they were joking about the new rules were immediately shot down by the house’s central committee in an official statement on Instagram.
“Beginning in the New Year, we will require all visitors to take their shoes off. No exceptions, and this is not a joke, O.K.?” said Radistan spokesperson Greg Winston. “I can’t remember where I read it, but you track in untold germs and shit into your house that you’ve picked up while walking around a city. This is just common sense. We’re not really sure why people have been pushing back on this so much. We walk around the house without shoes all the time and it’s fine — if anything, it’s made us stronger.”
While not all of have come around to the house’s thinking, top interior design experts think that the collective may be on to something.
“Well, I guess I can see the logic of not wanting to track stuff into the house aspect, but that’s sort of lipstick on a pig,” stated professional closet organizer Ben Kepler. “I think this is really more of a final step a household takes after they’ve cleaned, polished, replaced the floors, removed the dead rodents, tore down the walls and foundation, rebuilt the entire property, and maybe just swept a bit for God’s sake. I think it’s admirable to want to keep a clean and orderly home, but there’s a procedure of how these things are done.”
The collective is currently at a deadlock over who would remove and replace the empty toilet paper roll that’s been sitting on the holder for the last 14 months.