PORTLAND, Ore. — Local badass eagle and body modification enthusiast Mordechai flummoxed friends and family last week by getting a wimpy-ass nerd tattooed on his wing, sources close to the apex predator confirmed.
“I don’t know why everyone has to assign meanings to every tattoo I get. Sometimes all my tattoo means is I had a few extra rat bones and I traded those in for some more ink,” said the eight-year-old eagle while eyeing a rabbit crossing a field in the distance. “But if you really need to know, it’s a representation of how I see myself, ya know? He just looks rad, and he makes me feel like I’m a frontline worker at Whole Foods or driving for Uber Eats or something.”
Mordechai’s friends, however, described the tattoo as “ridiculous posturing.”
“The whole thing is completely disingenuous,” said Xerxes, who describes himself as “just a regular fucking eagle.” “Mordechai has this inflated sense that he was some kind of dipshit bike messenger in a former life or something. He’s never lived in New York, he never took improv classes at UCB, and he doesn’t get panic attacks every time he sees his father. It’s transparently pathetic, really. The truth is, he’d never make it as a barista or any of that shit, and no tattoo of some chump named Glen is gonna change that fundamental, immutable reality.”
For his part, local tattoo artist Ricky Smitts, who gave Mordechai the tattoo, doesn’t pass judgement on what his clients want as a tattoo.
“The thing is, some of these workaday eagles long for a life of adventure,” said Smitts. “Sure, Mordechai spends his days raiding the flatbeds of Ford F150s in the WalMart parking lot for wholesale salmon patties and the like, but there’s a romance to imagining yourself as the kind of person that could make a perfect rosetta design in the foam of a latte, or laughing at a record store customer for not knowing that the Arcade Fire is Canadian. I just try to help my customers look more in tune with the way they see themselves in their mind’s eye.”
Mordechai was last seen eating carcasses from the dumpster out behind the Anti Cruelty Society and debating buying a leather jacket.