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Budding Guitar Career Tragically Cut Short By F Major Barre Chord

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Promising guitarist Liam Doughtery’s guitar career was suddenly terminated yesterday after the introduction of the difficult F major barre chord during his guitar lessons, grieving loved ones report.

“I just didn’t see it coming — he loved playing distorted power chords, and was even starting to nail a few lead lines,” recounted Devon’s mother Linda Doughtery, who has formed the activist group M.A.B.C, a.k.a. Mothers Against Barre Chords. “I thought he was in it for the long haul. But the F barre chord came out of nowhere. My baby boy was a fighter, but ultimately, the chord did him in. My little boy Liam… my beautiful baby boy. What kind of God would allow barre chords to exist?”

Doughtery’s guitar teacher Danielle Vernor is now a pariah in the Fort Wayne music community, thanks to her dangerous, negligent use of barre chords in her lessons.

“I don’t know how many more times I can apologize to Liam’s parents, family, and friends. If I could go back in time, I would have taught the minor pentatonic scale next. But I can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused,” lamented Vernor, who has lost her job teaching at the Smith Family Music Store. “There won’t be a single day in the rest of my life where I won’t feel a bottomless pit of guilt in my stomach. I can only hope to spread awareness to help prevent F major and B minor barre chords from destroying innocent lives.”

Legendary musician Bob Dylan offered some words of solace to the Doughtery family.

“All you really need are G, C, E, and A minor chords — slap a capo on that bad boy, and you can play any song in any key. Anything else is blowing farts in the wind,” explained Dylan, who has reportedly never played a barre chord in his life. “If I don’t have a capo on me, I would rather just cancel the concert. That’s why music schools and teachers worldwide need to teach safe capo use, instead of shaming students for not contorting their fingers into unnatural shapes. Capo abstinence is not helping anyone.”

Sadly, the Doughtery family has already suffered a second tragedy, Liam’s sister Bonnie’s piano career was abruptly murdered this morning when her teacher tried to get her to use both left and right hands at the same time.