BELLEVUE, Wash. — Local 25-year-old man Ryan Mills purchased a medium-sized “Let Russ Cook” Seattle Seahawks T-shirt yesterday, unaware that this will be the last time in his life he will comfortably fit into anything smaller than an extra large, aging sources report.
“I buy a new one every season, but by the end there’s always nacho stains on it. At least it fits like a glove every single year,” said Mills, already dropping a scoop of guacamole onto his chest. “But this year, I’m wearing this puppy all the way into February, baby! Let’s go Hawks!”
Mills is approaching this season with the renewed confidence of a man completely unaware that his normally reliable metabolism is about to collapse under the weight of his terrible diet during the NFL season, leaving the shirt stretched and worn by the time the Seahawks are eliminated from playoff contention.
“I’ve got a closet full of Seahawks stuff. I can’t wait to show it all off once we can go to live games again,” Mills said wistfully. “The chicks at the tailgate won’t be able to stop staring when I roll up in this bad boy.”
Sadly, by the time next season’s tailgate parties begin, Mills will only be able to wear his prized Seahawks memorabilia under a jacket or a flannel, hiding the fabric’s tight stretch around his growing belly and breasts. Today, however, he is more optimistic than ever about both his team and his wardrobe.
“I think we’re gonna surprise some people this year, just you wait,” said Mills, before shoveling another handful of Fritos Twists into his mouth. “And when all these fake fans try to hop on the bandwagon, you’ll know who’s been here since day one, baby!”
“I don’t know. I just have a really good feeling about this year,” Mills added with a smile, cracking open his eighth Bud Light Platinum of the night.