Trump Grants Jeffrey Epstein Posthumous Pardon

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

WASHINGTON — Making full use of his last full day in office, President Donald Trump announced a posthumous pardon of his former friend and “total stranger,” convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

“Look, nobody’s perfect, but Jeff was a phenomenal guy. I, of course, never met him once, I never even spoke to him or looked at him… but had I met him, and I never did, I would say he was a great man. A really really smart guy. Harvard graduate!” Trump said at a press briefing this morning. “Jeffrey was the kind of guy who would always help you move. He was young at heart. He always had the best stories at parties. ”

The announcement was met with intense backlash, as many feel Epstein’s actions to be disgusting and tasteless beyond redemption.

“It is unforgivable that the president has chosen to use his final day to honor a monster,” Senator Chuck Schumer said in response. “When the Senate reconvenes, I will be taking firm action in declaring this as an official No Bueno. Of course, that’s assuming we can get our Republican colleagues to agree and vote on it.”

Despite this, some Democrats have insisted that the pardon is simply part of the president’s duties and that he should have full control over who he wants to give them to.

“I think that Trump represented a great evil and that we need to begin working towards healing our nation, but the only way to do that is by admitting when he has done something that isn’t so bad,” said former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a web video, her husband Bill Clinton awkwardly walking around behind her as if looking for a place to sit. “There’s a lot of bad things you can say about Jeffrey Epstein, but there’s also a lot of good. He was a terrific wedding guest, for example. Very few people know that side of him, but I do, because we attended several together.”

At press time, Trump revealed that he had pardoned Epstein, in part, to relieve himself of some guilt that he felt about Epstein’s suicide. “I know it’s not true,” he reportedly said to Vice President Mike Pence, “but sometimes I feel like I killed Jeffrey Epstein.”

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The Best Aphex Twin Albums for Clawing Your Way Out of a K Hole

Posted on by Tim Sheard

So, you decided to dabble with some ketamine. I really can’t blame you. Sorry horses, Ket isn’t just for you anymore! Some of my dealers say it can even be therapeutic in the right circumstances and I think we could all use some therapy right about now.

In moderation, ketamine can be a mind-elevating experience that provides both enjoyment and perspective. Too bad you did way too much and now you’re stuck in a vicious, mind-melting K-Hole. Oh well. Here are some Aphex Twin albums to help you claw your way back into your corporeal shell:

Come To Daddy – As you float above your numb body thinking to yourself, “this is never going to end,” this 1997 EP/mini-album will grab you out of the æther and throw you back to earth. But don’t expect a soft landing! The album’s raw industrial sound will literally jolt you back to life. Careful, though. If you end up having flashbacks to the titular song’s horrifying music video, this choice could really backfire.

Drukqs – At a whopping 100 minutes long, Aphex Twin’s 2001 two-disc album is the perfect choice for a gradual return to reality. But since basically all of the song titles are in the Cornish language and the album title is next to unpronounceable, you may have trouble getting Alexa to understand your slurred, tranquilizer-addled request.

Selected Ambient Works 85-92 – The one that started it all is also the best one for ending it all. Ending your K-hole, that is. The debut album of Aphex Twin provides cerebral, melodic tracks that are perfect for lugging your liquified body back to the mortal plane. Make sure to turn it off once you’re back though. This album will definitely make you want to do more ketamine.

Band’s Bassist of Six Years Getting Closer & Closer to Being Added to Group Chat

Posted on by Zach Raffio

CROTON-ON-HUDSON, N.Y. — Robby Danter, bassist and devoted member of local band The Tennis Court Oath for the past six years and counting, is optimistic he’s getting closer and closer to being added to the band’s group text chat.

“We’re not just a band — these guys are my best friends. They’re closer to me than family,” noted Danter, who has picked up each of the band member’s loved ones from the airport at least once. “I know with each passing day, I’m getting closer to getting my name in that chat — and not just with my number or something like ‘Rubby – Bass Player’ as the contact. It’s gonna be just my first name, and spelled correctly, like friends do. I’m going to be ready with some hilarious gifs and Youtube links that will knock their dicks in the dirt.”

Danter foolishly believed he’d be added to the chat when he first joined the band, but his bandmates quickly let him know that admission was not something they took lightly.

“His bass lines are crisp, and he’s a ton of fun on stage, but this guy is a bass player. If anyone found out we had a bassist in the group chat we’d be the laughingstock of the scene,” stated the band’s lead singer Brendan Jurcturbz, who kept getting distracted due to all the killer memes in the chat. “And the group chat is pretty stacked as is. We have the three other band members, our roadie, at least two Uber Eats drivers that were particularly good at delivering our food warm, and then like, seven other random people whose numbers I don’t have saved in my phone. I’m not exactly sure where Robby fits in.”

The band’s devoted fanbase — which includes about two dozen students at an upstate SUNY college and absolutely nobody else — were surprisingly tuned in to the ongoing will-they/won’t-they.

“They just have such great chemistry. I’m sure one day they’ll take that tangible, deep connection and translate it to a cell phone medium,” said fan Garrett Leslie, who has been in the band’s group chat for eight months. “Robby’s really missing out. Like, last week, the drummer and I were doing this bit where… ah actually, nevermind. Uh, you had to be there,” he added after noting Danter peeking from behind a curtain.

Danter managed to successfully infiltrate the group chat by adding himself under the name “Cool Sound Guy From Philly.” However, his ruse quickly ended after realizing he had only joined the decoy group the band created for extra security.

Opinion: Gun To My Head? I’d Have To Say Phil Spector Was the Best Music Producer of All Time

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

There have been many famous record producers that have left their mark on pop music. But if you were to place a loaded gun to my head and say that if I didn’t tell you who the best producer of all time was, you would pull the trigger and execute me on the spot, I’d have to pick Phil Spector. So in light of the fact that he recently bit the bullet, let’s consider the pretty convincing evidence that he was a music business legend.

When he got started working in the 1960s, no one would have suspected the tiny, eccentric Spector would be capable of much; but by the 1970s he’d have already worked with a murderer’s row of recording artists including Curtis Lee, The Ronnettes, Ike and Tina Turner, The Ramones, and The Beatles. Listeners were blown away by his use of cutting edge recording techniques, such as the “Wall Of Sound” which was able to blast every single track so no one quite knew where the noise originated.

Soon he found himself with dozens of hits, especially with groups he founded, like the Ronettes, whose songs like “He’s A Rebel” went to number one with a bullet. But by the 1970s, Spector’s career was starting to fade and him making a comeback was considered a long shot. But soon he found a second act in his career with the Ramones, forcing them out of their comfort zone with their album “End Of The Century,” which was loaded with hits. And no one can forget that he also had a bleeding heart for charities and produced the seminal album “Concert For Bangladesh,” which triggered a discussion of the sectarian violence in that part of the world.

Of course, later in life, Spector was involved with legal troubles including illegal possession of a firearm, unpaid taxes, and other crimes. His detractors had plenty of ammunition for criticism, such as his eccentric fashion choices and reclusive lifestyle. But we shouldn’t jump the gun when writing off this tortured genius. Despite all of his flaws, he did leave behind a gaping hole in the music industry landscape and will always be what goes through a person’s head when they hear of an “auteur producer”.

I understand if you think I’m shooting myself in the foot with this opinion. But that’s why making these “Best Of” choices are always so controversial. You have to stick with your guns. Unsavory actions tarnish legacy, but they do not negate accomplishments. OJ Simpson was the best running back of all time, John Wayne Gacy was an incredible clown, and Phil Spector is a genius.

Biden Inauguration Secured by National Guard, One Pissed-Off Sound Guy

Posted on by Jonah Nink

WASHINGTON — Capitol security officials announced this morning that the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden will be secured by 25,000 National Guard Troops and one incredibly pissed-off sound guy, D.C. sources reported.

“We are committed to ensuring a safe, incident-free inauguration day, which is why we’ve made the decision to deploy the National Guard and sound-guy Mike Chopski to the Capitol,” said inauguration security advisor Yvonne Struthers. “It may seem drastic, but deploying Mr. Chopski was our best deterrent against an incursion like what we saw on January 6th. I spoke with him earlier today and he assured me that anyone who gets within 500 feet of his soundboard is a ‘fucking dead man’ — and that includes other Capitol security personnel and, as he said, ‘that goes for Biden as well.’ Oh, and I guess the National Guard can help out a bit, too.”

Chopski was eager to help secure Biden’s inauguration after finding out that a PA had been damaged during the January 6th Capitol insurrection.

“Let it be known that I will beat the living fuck out of anyone who screws with the vocal mics. Domestic terrorist or not,” said Chopski, after chewing out a CNN reporter who tripped over a power strip. “Those freaks who ransacked the Capitol have another thing coming if they think they can do the same shit to my backline. They’re just like the drunks I have to chase off the stage before they can drool all over the monitors. I swear, I’ll lay out any fuckhead who even thinks about tampering with my perfectly dialed-in setup. And if you think I’m mad now, just wait until after I’ve just finished Biden’s three-hour soundcheck. I won’t hesitate to skin alive any MAGA shithead who even thinks about putting his Dorito dust-covered fingers on the fucking drums.”

Vice President-elect Kamala Harris commented that deploying Chopski was a necessary security measure.

“While deploying thousands of National Guard troops does help, having Mike run sound is the real deterrent. A soldier will just shoot you, but Mike will verbally dress you down until you no longer want to live,” said the incoming Vice President. “Ted Cruz once knocked over a PA and Mike lit into him so hard that Cruz started crying in front of the entire Senate. I almost felt bad for the guy, but then I realized it’s Ted, and I thanked Mike for his service.”

At press time, nearly half of the 25,000 National Guard troops stationed in D.C. have been yelled at by Chopski.

New York City Council Votes on Placement of Huge Booster Ramp to Decrease Traffic

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

NEW YORK — Tempers flared at city hall today as both sides made their opinions known about the potential addition of a giant glowing ramp on West 96th St at West End Ave.

“This is going to completely change getting out of the city for me,” said area resident Scott Harbscott. “By being able to launch over Riverside Dr straight to the Henry Hudson Pkwy, I easily save at least 30 seconds of driving.”

The proposed ramp would glow alternating colors covering the whole spectrum of the rainbow, and propel cars about 50x their previous driving speed while touching the 50 ft long ramp. 

“On the one hand, I think getting my car rocketed through the air is pretty cool,” said local business owner Amanda Valentino, “but what if it like, landed wrong? Is the city gonna hire some guy to sit around on a cloud and fish everyone out of the burning wreckage?”

Detractors to the ramp were also concerned about the cost to the taxpayer.

“When you account for the aesthetics, size, and mechanical costs, we’re talking somewhere between $80 to $90 million,” estimated engineer Brett Jankk. “That puts it easily in the top 100 most expensive construction projects in New York this year.”

Council insiders reported that, if approved, the ramp was likely to be named The Big Mario Ramp, after the current mayor’s father.

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Fourth Matrix Film Set to Shatter Records for Dumbass Dorm Room Philosophy Chats

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

LOS ANGELES — The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical discussions in dorm rooms across the U.S., RA advocacy group leaders confirmed.

“It’s gonna change how insufferable people talk about movies,” explained director Lana Wachowski. “When Lilly and I made the first one, we didn’t know it would impact how dumb people perceived the world. Everyone is skeptical about yet another sequel — probably because it seems impossible to top ‘Revolutions’ — but we’ve all worked tirelessly to create an entertainment experience that will lead to excruciating conversations.”

“Laurence Fishburne in particular has been training for months to make dumb ideas sound smart,” agreed Lilly Wachowski. “These college kids are going to talk about this for a long time — especially the students who love edibles and signed up for Philosophy 101.”

Ardent fans of the series have been waiting patiently for a sequel for close to two decades now.

“‘Matrix’ is my whole life,” declared superfan Jackson Callahan. “Whenever I quote it, people say the same thing: ‘Dude, that movie came out 20 years ago.’ I don’t care, ‘cause ‘The Matrix’ really deepened my understanding of life and existence. Like, the computers are like a metaphor for how machines are, like, the things that aren’t real. It works on a bunch of levels! I’m still trying to wake up from my simulation — I know in the real world I’m like a pro basketball player with the hottest wife on the planet, and she does everything in bed. Everything.”

While “The Matrix” often serves as the only philosophical background for many viewers, experts worry it cheapens the field of study.

“It’s fucked everything up,” lamented Dr. Timothy LeBec, professor of Philosophy at Vassar. “Everyone comes in all ‘red pill this, blue pill that.’ No one knows the greats or anything about theory — they just hear a few sound bites mumbled by Cowboy Curtis in a latex suit and suddenly they’re experts on solipsism. I mean, the Wachowskis just made all that shit up. That can’t be how it works: you can’t just make something up, and then suddenly have it treated as dogma, right? Right? You know what, I need to be alone right now.”

“Matrix: Cuatro” is currently experiencing delays due to the technical limitations of having Keanu Reeves’ character Neo speak out of his own ass.

Man Would Have Done Things Differently Had He Known That Would Be His Last Time Doing Karaoke

Posted on by Sari Beliak

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local man Edgar Ruiz admitted today that he would have done things much differently if he knew that the most recent time he did karaoke would be his last, sources close to Ruiz confirmed Thursday.

“I used to go to Schlitt’s for karaoke at least once a week and you could do three, maybe four songs in one night if you’re lucky. But since COVID hit, no one goes out to the bars anymore,” a heartbroken Ruiz lamented. “I guess I just always thought I’d get another chance to sing something else in front of a room full of drunken strangers touching a single, sticky notebook full of song choices while breathing into the same microphone, but it just goes to show you nothing in life is guaranteed. Now, I wake up everyday and have to live with the fact I chose to sing ‘Santeria’ the last time I did karaoke. It’s a real reminder to enjoy each moment we have, and don’t throw away your last song choice on some fucking Sublime.”

Witnesses close to Ruiz reported that their friend has seemed particularly troubled by this realization over the last year.

“I haven’t seen Ed much this year with the pandemic and everything, but whenever we talk he somehow always manages to bring up the karaoke thing,” said friend and former bandmate Alex Shaw. “I suggested he just play it in his car and sing along or something, and he yelled at me about how ‘it’s not the same.’ I haven’t even told him Schlitt’s closed a few months ago because he’s gonna freak out. I’m just grateful my last karaoke song was ‘Crazy Train.’”

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Amanda Mason, feelings of regret are a common reaction to dealing with major life changes.

“Many people around the world are struggling with the notion they could have spent their time differently,” said Dr. Mason. “Sometimes people have to go through real pain to grow as individuals. Hopefully this serves as a wake-up call for Ed and others like him to appreciate each precious moment, because no one wants to be remembered as the guy who sang Sublime at a shitty bar in Tucson.”

“But for now, the best we can do is pray that karaoke doesn’t come back after the pandemic,” she added.

It’s Time To Put the Christ Back in Toyotathon

Posted on by Dan Rice

Let’s go places, with our faith.

Was it not Christ’s anger at the money changers during the cleansing of the temple that inspired the very notion of rolling back prices? There was a great cost for amazing savings on the full line of Toyota cars, trucks, and SUVs, and it was paid for by the blood of my Lord. So why has Toyotathon become more secular with each passing year?

Jesus Christ endured torture, crucifixion, and damnation for you to have an available second-row captain’s chair, for comfort that’s in a class of its own. Somewhere between the can’t-miss savings and optional leather interiors, America lost sight of that.

When I picture the average person—a white man with a dog listening to the same song on a loop—I imagine all the fun they’re having going off-road in a bitchin’ new Toyota Tacoma. But what I can no longer picture is a crucifix dangling from the rearview. The commercialization of Toyotathon has robbed the holiest month of the year of its true meaning.

Don’t believe me? Well, next time you’re at the grocery store, tell the cashier “Toyotathon is on, praise Jesus Christ our Lord!” instead of the meek “Happy Toyotathon” that has become so commonplace. I guarantee someone will give you a funny look.

Just once I would like to see a Toyota advertisement where a customer signs the dotted line on a 2021 Toyota Sienna—practically a steal with the amazing deals going on at your local Toyota dealership or www.toyota.com right now—and says, “Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for it was your sacrifice and triumph over Satan that ultimately made this moment possible.”

You are born a sinner, complicit in the failure of Adam and mankind’s exile from The Garden. Until you can reconcile that fact, you don’t deserve great financing on a RAV4.

I implore you to invite Christ into your heart and visit your local Toyota dealer today or visit www.toyota.com before deals and your chance at eternal salvation are gone for good.

Friend From 11th Grade Who Loved Pantera Still in 11th Grade

Posted on by Ted Pillow

KINGS PARK, N.Y. — 41-year-old Pantera megafan Ray “Nickelbag” Shipley is still enrolled in 11th grade at Kings Park High School, as well as nightly tutoring classes to help him finally advance to the next grade, according to unsurprised sources who attended high school with him the first time around.

“It’s a little sad to hear that Nickelbag’s still in 11th grade, but it makes perfect sense — he was always drawing a pot leaf on his notebook and listening to ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on his Discman,” noted Eddie Ortega, a classmate of Shipley’s from the late ‘90s. “Ray has lots of talents, like chugging Jack Daniels while still holding in the smoke from a bong hit, but academics was never his thing. Back when we were still in school together, he failed Mrs. Walpole’s English class because he gave a book report on the liner notes to ‘Vulgar Display of Power.’ I know at least two of his kids already graduated high school, so it had to have been embarrassing to see their dad struggling in class.”

Despite having failed 11th grade 24 times, Shipley maintains a positive attitude.

“Are you kidding me? I fucking love being the oldest dude in 11th grade!” Shipley explained while polishing off a 12-pack of Budweiser under the bleachers and blasting “Primal Concrete Sledge” on a battered boombox. “Look at me, man — I’m living the life. Sure, there are a few other kids in school who can buy beer with their fake IDs. But I’m the only reckless bastard in here with my very own hook-up for prescription hair loss pills. Pillage the village, motherfucker!”

For their part, Kings Park High School faculty have come to embrace Shipley.

“He makes my life a hell of a lot easier during college application season,” noted guidance counselor Lynette Travers. “We’ve got about 500 kids per grade, so it really helps my workload to have a few lost causes on the books. Sure, he’s not our most promising scholar. But, on the plus side, he’s doing better than that goddamn 57-year-old Black Sabbath fan who’s been a freshman here since 1978.”

As of press time, Shipley was turning his Zoom video off during an online math class so that he could go into the backyard and beat his stepdad’s ass.