Man Who Wasted Youth Playing Video Games Vows To Waste Old Age Playing Video Games

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

BOSTON — Resolving to himself that things in his life would be exactly the same as they used to be from now on, local man Kellen MacCall said that he vowed to waste his old age playing video games exactly as he had in his youth.

“It’s time I admit to myself that I’m not a child anymore, I need to take a good hard look at my game playing habits and not change anything about them,” said MacCall, writing the word “VIDEO GAMES” on a large cardboard box that he planned to fill with more Super Nintendo cartridges that he plans on buying. “Life is extremely short, and it’s important not to take your time for granted. This is something that I’ve known since I was young, which is why I’ve always been determined to play as many video games as I can before I die.”

MacCall’s wife, Linda, says that she’s discouraged that this is the kind of quarterlife crisis that he’s having.

“Why couldn’t he have just bought a sports car like any other guy who’s afraid of all of his new gray hairs?” said Linda, hurting her foot on a loose Game Boy Advance cartridge laying in the middle of the living room carpet. “At this point, I’m just praying he’ll eventually develop some arthritis and then have to sell it all. Dammit, Kellen, how many times have I told you to clean up your games when you leave the room?”

At press time, Kellen was wondering to himself whether it might be time to have a child who can eventually play co-op with him.

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Metal Band Soundproofs Practice Space So Neighbors Can’t Hear Them Fighting

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Local thrash metal band Gynosphinx reportedly spent close to $500 to soundproof their practice space last week out of respect for their neighbors who have complained about hearing the band scream at one another, sleepless sources close to the story report.

“We got another letter from the landlord saying that we need to keep it down or we’re going to be evicted,” said Gynosphinx lead singer Clark Mason. “If our guitarist Archie would learn the fucking songs and show up on time, we wouldn’t be making such a racket. We pride ourselves on playing loud — we want to be able to set off car alarms a block away when we play live — but that isn’t anything compared to our drummer Bert’s tirades when he’s been drinking. So we stapled egg crate foam and carpets to the walls before someone calls the cops on us.”

The locals are very appreciative of the band’s efforts to mute their anger.

“They’d keep us up until two or three in the morning, yelling about each another’s commitment to the band,” said upstairs neighbor Candice Zimmerman after an afternoon nap. “Now all we can hear is the kick drum and the occasional expletive. It’s a very welcome respite. Weirdly, I sort of miss hearing about who is currently the ‘sellout’ of the group.”

Audio engineers have been quick to point out that soundproofing a space for arguments is much different than for music.

“See, yeah, they went with the egg crates, which is a rookie mistake. If you’re trying to mute the sound of bickering and whining, you really want to go with a non-porous material, like a plate absorber,” said studio engineer Marcia Chapman. “It will really cut out the high-ends and vibrato. Or maybe use a spray foam so it won’t absorb the sound, because you want your bandmates to get the message; you just want to make sure the sound doesn’t penetrate. I tell you what, knowing how sensitive metalheads are, a couple of area rugs aren’t going to cut it.”

When reached for an update, the neighbors admitted the soundproof solution was only a temporary fix, as the previous night’s fight spilled out into the street and ended with a dumpster being tipped over and lit on fire.

Man Wondering if One of the Horny MILFs in His Area Could Maybe Just Show Him How to Iron His Shirts

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — Local man Aaron Metcalfe is hoping today that one of the apparently hundreds of horny MILFs in his area advertised on PornHub could teach him how to iron a shirt.

“Sex is great and all, but I’ve got a job interview tomorrow, and all my shirts look like they’ve been balled up in a plastic bag in the back of my closet… mainly because I don’t have any clothes hangers, and I keep my clothes balled up in bags in the back of my closet,” explained Metcalfe. “And my parents are pretty useless when it comes to these sort of vital life skills. But I always see these popup ads featuring older women begging for sex, and since all of them seem to be so happy their husbands are dead, they likely have plenty of free time to teach a young guy like me a thing or two.”

Reprobate and “Horny MILF” advertiser Dom Barlow was surprised by Metcalfe’s request.

“God, this guy is so pathetic. Does he not realize the ‘horny MILFs’ is just me trying to scam him out of credit card info? And even if there really were MILFs, why does he think an older woman who uses PornHub to declare to the world that she ‘just wants to fuck’ is the best source for learning how to sew or whatever,” said Barlow. “I may be a scumbag who preys on horny idiots, but even I felt bad, so I catfished him so I could explain how to iron a dress shirt, meal plan, and do laundry without shrinking anything.”

However, some, including self-described MILF and professional cam girl Mimi Cottrell, say requests like Metcalfe’s are increasingly common.

“I don’t know if there’s something oedipal about young men turning to porn to learn things their mothers should’ve taught them, but as long as the tokens keep flowing, I’m willing to help,” said Cottrell. “The first time it happened, I was fellating a double-sided dildo when a guy asked how to balance a checkbook. After realizing he wasn’t referring to some new kinky sex act, I pulled the butt plug out of my dumper and got to work. I earned more that day than I did my whole first month.”

Metcalfe is reportedly also desperately searching for a “Horny DILFs in My Area” ad in the hopes that someone can teach him how to tie a tie.

I’d Take a Bullet for My Kid, or Anyone Really

Posted on by BJ Quagan

The moment my first child was born I my entire world changed. In a moment, a lifetime worth of collected cliche sayings and advice took on true meaning. Everything I was worried about before, be it sports or my job or politics, all became meaningless in the face of that little angel. I knew then and there that if push came to shove, I would take a bullet for my kid. Though, admittedly, I’d take a bullet for pretty much anyone.

I kinda just want to take a bullet. Think about it, it would be so badass! A gunshot wound? I would show that shit off everywhere. I’d be a real-life hero. I daydream about it in detail every day. Diving, slow motion in front of some poor idiot who’s about to get shot. Foiling the plans of the ne’er do well and taking all of the glory for myself.

I applied to be in the Secret Service once, but I failed the lie detector test when I said I had never smoked weed. Also, I failed like, all of the physical tests and all of the psychological tests. Whatever, taking a bullet for a politician wouldn’t be my first choice anyway. I mean, first choice would be my kid for sure. After that, I’d rather save an old lady in a crowd or a convenience store clerk who is being robbed I think.

Who knows, maybe the person I save will write something about me, maybe a song or a book. Eventually, the book might become a movie script. I’d want to be commemorated in some way, I mean I’m a hero, right?

I love my kids! I’d crawl to the moon and back for them, but I don’t know if they love me. I’m not a badass, I’m pretty boring. I work in insurance, I don’t really help anyone or do anything productive with my days. But if I die a hero they have to love me, right? I could die, but I’m sure their idea of who I was will be way cooler than the real thing.

If I see an opportunity to let someone else impact the world by trading places with them, I’m going for it. I’d finally have a legacy to pass down to my kids, who are my world! They wouldn’t have to listen to my ex-wife anymore when she tells them that I’m a useless suck on the world’s teet.

I just hope whoever I save raises my kids for me if I die because TBH being a dad sort of sucks.

Capitol Police Tell Rioters Attending Inauguration to Just Come In Through Same Door As Last Time

Posted on by Ish Gupta

WASHINGTON — Capitol Police instructed potential rioters today to “just use the same route as last time” in response to growing concerns around another possible breaching of the Capitol Building during President-elect Joe Biden’s upcoming inauguration, multiple sources carrying Confederate flags and wearing “Punisher” shirts confirmed.

“No need to reinvent the wheel here. Just take the same steps up and we’ll leave it unlocked for you. That door is a little weird, though — it actually only locks from the outside. It was a thing with old buildings, I guess,” said U.S. Capitol Police spokesperson Rae Mitchell. “But we should still be able to let you in from there. Just text us when you’re like, I don’t know, 10 minutes away? We might still be setting up a few things around then, but we can get someone to go down and open it up for you.”

“Also, if you’re Black, please wear your MAGA hat,” Mitchell added. “We don’t wanna mistake anyone for a counter-protester, because we all know how that could end up.”

Potential protesters are relieved they do not have to change their plans, thanks to the “lovely” accommodations made by the department.

“Not gonna lie. I was getting worried, man,” said Trump supporter Charlie Baynes. “Ever since they shut down my Parler chat room, SomeOfThoseThatWorkForces420, it’s been hard to plan stuff, so I’m glad the cops will still be there to guide the way. I can’t tell you how helpful they were the first time — it would’ve taken hours to find Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office without them. Maybe I can get a selfie with the same cop I got one with last time; turns out we were actually in some of the same secret Facebook groups. Small world!”

The comments drew confusion from many, including Rep. Jamaal Bowman, who recently introduced a bill to investigate police involvement in the attack.

“Are they… are they serious right now? Like, they’re just openly saying they’re gonna let them in? Is anybody else seeing this shit?” Bowman asked. “I mean, honestly, I’m kinda relieved. I just wrote a whole bill with the intent of figuring out which of these pigs were white supremacists in disguise, and they just did my job for me. Fucking idiots.”

Capitol Police also assured rioters they could leave out that same door, and encouraged them to take some of the leftover food with them, as they will probably not finish all of it.

Gamer Sits Through Credits of Game to Memorize Names of 300 QA Testers

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Respectfully ignoring the opportunity to press the X button and skip the entire sequence, local gamer Louis Moore reportedly sat through the entire 10-minute credit sequence of Ruinz II: Days of Chaos to memorize the names of each of the game’s 300 QA testers.

“These people worked hard to get their name on this credit roll, so it’s my duty as a gamer to make sure they know they’re appreciated and remembered,” said Moore, half-distracted as his eyes quickly scanned the screen from left to right in an effort to keep up with the increasingly small font size of the credits. “Woah, wait, these are only the QA testers in the studio’s Toronto office, apparently. How many different offices worked on this game? Are there even more QA testers I need to memorize? I might need to get a pencil and paper.”

Moore’s friends say that although they admire his commitment to honoring the lesser-known members of game studios, the sheer number of people he has to keep track of has taken up a lot of his time and gotten in the way of his personal relationships.

“I hadn’t talked to Louis in a few weeks, so I called him up and he talked about QA testers the entire time,” said Paula Kring, a longtime friend of Moore’s. “He even came up with what I guess he thinks is a fun game called ‘Six Degrees of Francis Saltermann’ because he noticed this one guy Francis had worked on QA teams for a lot of different games. Am I supposed to understand what the fuck he’s talking about?”

At press time, Moore was deciding what game he should play next by Googling the phrase “games with the best QA test coverage of all time.”

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Report: 12% of Nation’s Disposable Income Spent On Ability to Stream “The Office”

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — A study from the TV ratings conglomerate Nielsen found that Americans spend an average of 12% of their income on streaming services like Peacock and Netflix for the sole purpose of rewatching the decade-old television program “The Office.”

“‘The Office’ has become the third-highest expenditure for most American households, right after rising healthcare costs and Doordash delivery fees,” explained economist Dave Swathmore. “This development will have far-reaching consequences for nearly every sector of our economy, from media production to e-commerce to, inexplicably, animal husbandry. We’re going to be seeing the effects of Americans having easy access to all episodes of ‘The Office’ for years to come.”

Perpetual viewer of “The Office” Belle Glandly detailed her household’s financial commitment to the show.

“Money has been real tight ever since I was laid off because of COVID, but I always made sure I had Jim and Pam by my side to get me through the dark times. We’ve had to cut back on luxuries like name-brand macaroni and running water, but I just don’t think we could live without the ability to rewatch episodes like ‘Scott’s Tots’ or ‘Dinner Party,’” remarked Glandly. “With the show recently moving to Peacock, and likely getting shuffled around again in 10 months after Peacock goes under, I’ve decided to just subscribe to every streaming service, so I’ll always have ‘The Office.’ I’ll take out a third mortgage if I have to, as long as I can always watch Dwight talk about beets.”

For his part, “The Office” executive producer Greg Daniels was surprised by the enduring economic impact of the show.

“When we first adapted ‘The Office,’ we weren’t even sure the show would click with an American audience, much less one day control a portion of the economy equivalent to the GDP of Switzerland,” said Dainels from atop a throne made of smelted Emmys. “I really have to credit the fans: it’s because of their obsessive, bordering on creepy, love for the show that it’s become the cultural icon and economic juggernaut it is today. I just hope the Brits are taking notes as to why you don’t cancel your series after just 14 episodes… the poor, pasty-faced idiots.”

In a related study, economists are predicting that sales of the “Parks and Recreation” DVD box set will surpass the total annual budget for NASA by 2024.

Scream Pillow Flipped to Cooler Side

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BAYSHORE, N.Y. — Local stressed out man Tanner Beggins took a brief pause moments ago from wailing into his scream pillow to flip it over to the cooler side before continuing use, concerned witnesses reported.

“Call me high maintenance, but I just can’t let out my visceral rage into an unpleasantly damp and wretchedly warm pillow like some sort of boorish heathen. So I have to flip it over every so often for a more comfortable experience,” said Beggins before unleashing a 10-second uninterrupted scream into the plush cushion over his dissatisfaction that yet another of his house plants had died. “Sure, I could just as easily turn to one of the other pillows in the house — like one of the eight decorative ones on the bed, or the six throw ones on the couch, or even the embroidered one on the dog bed. But they’re just not the same as my trusty old catharsis pillow. I simply can’t function without that thing.”

Those closest to Beggins are growing concerned with their friend’s ability to manage stress.

“All day long I hear the muffled outcries of a man who should probably just go to therapy… or at the very least, vent to one of those customer service bots on the Verizon customer service site,” said Jamie Terradyl, partner of Beggins. “Honestly, I don’t understand why he doesn’t relieve stress in a more traditional way, like exercising, meditating, or getting blackout drunk by himself and evading uncomfortable emotions. Certainly, those difficult feelings will bubble up at a later inconvenient time, but you can just cross that bridge with more booze when you get there.”

Pillow manufacturers have seen a steady increase of sales.

“We sold a record number of novelty pillows last year,” said Beatrice Wollowa, CEO of Polar Pillow LLC. “And we really hit our stride after we debuted our hypoallergenic, ultra-high thread count, memory foam scream pillow. Turns out the market had a real need for it in 2020. Not to mention, people love pillows that serve very specific purposes. Look no further than the travel pillow: it’s basically just a cushioned horseshoe that goes around your neck when you travel once every 10 years and has no other function. But people go apeshit for it.”

Beggins is looking for a backup scream pillow, however, as his main scream pillow is due for professional reupholstering due to excessive drool, sweat, and saliva stains from overuse.

QUIZ: Pantera Lyric or Some Bullshit a Cop Said After He Took Your Skateboard

Posted on by Nariko Ott

“Walk on home, boy.” We’ve all been there, you’re having a fun session on a 5-stair with your buddies when along comes some 300 pound fractured ego in a badge. As he’s pathetically trying to establish some sense of dominance while holding your deck, you can’t help but think, “Why does this sound so familiar?”

We’ve compiled a list of vulgar displays of power, but do you love Pantera and/or hate the fucking cops enough to know who said them?

1. “Come meet your maker, boy”
2. “We got ourselves a smartmouth”
3. “Are you talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me? No way, punk.”
4. “(I’m) one step from lashing out at you”
5. “I wish you’d try something”
6. “What’s your problem, punk?”
7. “Five minutes alone. Just give me five minutes alone.”
8. “You’re making us fucking hostile!”
9. “Now I’ll play a public servant, to serve and protect by the law and the state.”
10. “You’re trespassing, this is private property”
11. “Don’t try and be smart with me”
12. “You don’t wanna rile me”
13. “I feel so sorry, I regret this (hurting of you), but you made me so unhappy.”
14. “You Think You’re tough, boy?”
15. “Run your mouth when I’m not around, it’s easy to achieve.”
16. “You can get this back when I say you can”

Pencils down, people, time to scroll down and see how you did! Remember, while it might be hard to separate the words of these wannabe cowboys from hell one thing is for sure, no matter who said it, It all sounds the same in a Cartman voice. Hope you get that skateboard back.

ANSWERS:

1. Pantera
2. Cop
3. Pantera
4. Pantera
5. Cop
6. Cop
7. Pantera
8. Pantera
9. Pantera
10. Cop
11. Cop
12. Cop
13. Pantera
14. Cop
15. Pantera
16. Cop

Bored Queen Elizabeth to Knight One Gallagher Brother Just to Start Shit

Posted on by Tim Nash

LONDON — Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she will knight either Liam or Noel Gallagher of famed 90s Britpop group Oasis to quell her incessant boredom during quarantine, royal sources confirmed.

“Everyone remembers how exciting the 90s were, and with the year we’ve all had I thought maybe sparking some more of that great sibling rivalry would be a nice distraction,” explained the Queen while violently throwing darts at a portrait of Harry and Meghan. “I could make a big deal about how the brother I end up picking is the true genius of the family, just to watch the chaos unfold. Plus, if Netflix recommends ‘The Crown’ to me one more time, I swear I’ll make Boris Johnson drone strike the Falklands into oblivion.”

Oasis lead singer and younger Gallagher brother Liam greeted the rumors with both appreciation and mild skepticism, fondly recalling how he and the Queen spent her 70th birthday garden party.

“I mean, c’mon you cunts, it’s a righ’ fookin’ honor, innit? Lizzie and I had some good times back in the day, and it’s nice to see she still treasures those memories,” said Liam. “1996 was mint. Me and that ol’ bag spent her birthday doing cocaine and singing ‘Champagne Supernova’ all bloody night. I right thought my bugger of a heart was going to explode from all that royal blow. But peek the talent she’s knighted over the years: Clapton, Ray Davies… hell, even Ringo; bunch of fuckin’ wankers. ‘Course if she picks Noel, we all know it’s a load of shite. Probably just to fill the empty seat between Bono and Bob Geldof.”

Despite the commendation from the Queen, some are not happy a Gallagher brother may join the esteemed ranks of the Order of the British Empire.

“Frankly, I’m a tad bit insulted. I don’t want either one of those bellends to be knighted and arse everything up for the lot of us,” lamented Sir Paul McCartney of the Beatles. “Everyone knows Oasis was nothing but a pale photocopy of its influences. Now Pete Doherty, I could get behind — he’s a right chap, that one.”

At press time, Queen Elizabeth had ultimately decided to knight Blur frontman Damon Albarn in a ceremony held at Buckingham Palace, while Jarvis Cocker openly wept.