BAYSHORE, N.Y. — Local stressed out man Tanner Beggins took a brief pause moments ago from wailing into his scream pillow to flip it over to the cooler side before continuing use, concerned witnesses reported.
“Call me high maintenance, but I just can’t let out my visceral rage into an unpleasantly damp and wretchedly warm pillow like some sort of boorish heathen. So I have to flip it over every so often for a more comfortable experience,” said Beggins before unleashing a 10-second uninterrupted scream into the plush cushion over his dissatisfaction that yet another of his house plants had died. “Sure, I could just as easily turn to one of the other pillows in the house — like one of the eight decorative ones on the bed, or the six throw ones on the couch, or even the embroidered one on the dog bed. But they’re just not the same as my trusty old catharsis pillow. I simply can’t function without that thing.”
Those closest to Beggins are growing concerned with their friend’s ability to manage stress.
“All day long I hear the muffled outcries of a man who should probably just go to therapy… or at the very least, vent to one of those customer service bots on the Verizon customer service site,” said Jamie Terradyl, partner of Beggins. “Honestly, I don’t understand why he doesn’t relieve stress in a more traditional way, like exercising, meditating, or getting blackout drunk by himself and evading uncomfortable emotions. Certainly, those difficult feelings will bubble up at a later inconvenient time, but you can just cross that bridge with more booze when you get there.”
Pillow manufacturers have seen a steady increase of sales.
“We sold a record number of novelty pillows last year,” said Beatrice Wollowa, CEO of Polar Pillow LLC. “And we really hit our stride after we debuted our hypoallergenic, ultra-high thread count, memory foam scream pillow. Turns out the market had a real need for it in 2020. Not to mention, people love pillows that serve very specific purposes. Look no further than the travel pillow: it’s basically just a cushioned horseshoe that goes around your neck when you travel once every 10 years and has no other function. But people go apeshit for it.”
Beggins is looking for a backup scream pillow, however, as his main scream pillow is due for professional reupholstering due to excessive drool, sweat, and saliva stains from overuse.