Podcaster Spends 2 Hours Setting Up Elaborate Audio Rig for Casual Family Zoom Chat

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

AKRON, Ohio — Podcaster Briana Giraud spent a full two hours setting up and testing her $2,000 audio rig in preparation for a casual Zoom chat with her family members.

“I was really excited to talk to my family, so I wanted to make sure they’d be able to hear me clearly,” Giraud explained. “I decided to run my Rode NT1 through my Scarlett 18i20, but it was just picking up so much extra room tone. I started fiddling around in Pro Tools and suddenly the Zoom meeting had already started.”

Giraud apologized to her family for the delay via text and noted that she was having “audio issues.” She eventually logged on, but her microphone wasn’t coming through, so she spent an extra 30 minutes uninstalling and then reinstalling audio drivers.

“It was hard to tell what was happening on her end,” recalled Briana’s brother Jacob Giraud. “We just saw her frantically unplugging random XLR cables. There must have been like 20 on her desk. I’m not even sure if most of them were connected to anything.”

After successfully troubleshooting her audio issue, Giraud spent the next 30 minutes switching between four different studio microphones and repeatedly asking her family, “How about this, does this sound better?”

“I made the mistake of asking her to speak up, because I can’t hear too good anymore,” Briana’s mother Tabatha Giraud explained. “I think that made things worse. She moved everything into her closest and kept insisting that she just needed to build a quick ‘isolation chamber’ or something. I guess it helped, but then it was too dark to see her anymore.”

The Giraud family eventually shared a nice five minute chat, throughout which Briana’s mother yelled into her hand-me-down iPhone 7’s built-in microphone while Wheel of Fortune blared from a TV in the background.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Biden Clarifies That $2,000 Check Will Be Next-Gen Upgrade in Late 2021

Posted on by Andy Holt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to criticism over his planned $1,400 stimulus check, President-elect Joe Biden clarified that a full $2,000 version would be coming to PS5 and Xbox Series X/S consoles “sometime in late 2021.”

“There seems to be some confusion, so let’s clear up one thing right off the bat: $1,400 is all you’re getting if you have a dusty old console. Weird that you would expect anything different,” wrote Biden in an official Reddit post on the topic. “If you have a PS4 and expected to get the full $2,000 you were promised, honestly that’s on you.”

When asked when next-gen console owners could expect their full $2,000 stimulus check, Biden was hesitant to set a firm date.

“Initially, you’re going to get the same $1,400 as the last-gens. That should cover your living expenses, healthcare costs, and education for about a year. We’re thinking probably late 2021 for the rest,” Biden confirmed. “Of course, you’ll need to prove you own a PS5 or a new Xbox. Just fill out a 19182-C Addendum B2 form and file it in person at your local tax office. Then wait 8-12 weeks to hear about next steps.”

In the thread below the Reddit announcement, several PC players confirmed they had already received their checks, many of them higher than $2,000.

“Y’all need to stop complaining and get a PC. I got a $20,000 stimulus check this week and it’s sick. Used the money to buy a sweet new car,” said PC user ArrTeeXBandit03. “I would upload a video to prove it, but I’m just like, super busy right now. Maybe later.”

In response to further criticism, Biden promised that he would do his best to port any cool stuff he did in the Obama era to the current-gen administration.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Help! We Finally Listened To Phantogram and Now Everyone We Know Is Kinda Sexy and It’s Always Night-time!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Holy shit! Can anyone help me?! If so, GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I listened to Phantogram for the first time, and now I’m trapped in a never-ending series of house parties and flirty conversations I can’t escape!

I’m not entirely sure how this happened, but it probably has something to do with that used copy of Eyelid Movies I bought at that spooky record store. I put the record on and started to feel super chill, but before “Mouthful of Diamonds” was over, all these people just showed up in my house ready to vibe. I had no idea where they came from, but I was very attracted to pretty much every person in the room. I was eyeballing hotties left and right and sizing up my competition before I remembered I’m married and my house is not a bar in a college town.

That didn’t last long because “When I’m Small” came on and made me want to aggressively sip my martini and dance like it wasn’t 2:00 in the afternoon. After the second track, I couldn’t tell you what any of these goddamn songs are called because somebody stole the jacket to break some weed up on, and it never came back. What I can tell you is that I am perpetually drunk, horny, and going outside to smoke the pack of Pall Malls that just appeared in my pocket.

I haven’t seen the sun in months, and I’ve lost track of the days here because nobody ever seems to need to work or go home. In my 20s, this exact situation would’ve been my dream, but I’m too old for this shit now.

The biggest downside to this album is that just when it feels like the party is over, there’s another song. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up because I am dehydrated, and my feet are swollen from all the foot stuff I did with that weirdo in the closet.

I need an hour not plotting where I can make out with someone or looking for somebody sober enough to drive me to the liquor store.

Overall, I’d give Eyelid Movies one out of two middle fingers. This album is really repetitive, but its best parts are hypnotic as hell and just make me want to drink and dance all sexy in the corner with that g– Hang on. I’ll be right back.

Joe Biden Offers Pizza to Anyone Who Helps Trump Move Out of White House

Posted on by Chris Jones

WASHINGTON — President-elect Joe Biden and his administration offered pizza today to any citizens willing to help move some boxes out of the White House over the weekend, high-ranking government sources confirmed.

“Listen up, folks — there’s a lot of heavy gold-plated shit that isn’t gonna move itself. I’m offering pizza to every freedom-loving American who helps me get this bastard’s shit out of the White House,” said Biden. “Also, if you find some nice jewelry or anything worth pocketing, I’ll look the other way. The debt collectors are gonna take it all anyway, and heaven knows this lying, dog-faced pony soldier deserves what’s coming.”

Volunteers lined up early to take Biden up on his offer, and are reporting that their first time in the White House has been a lot different than they expected.

“The entire White House is in complete chaos: one room was just filled with old buckets of KFC, and another had boxes of useless degrees from Trump University,” said 35-year-old volunteer Greg Olson. “It smelled absolutely disgusting in there. Apparently, Rudy Guiliani and more of Trump’s goons had several sleepovers where they made weird hand-drawn maps of Russia with hearts all around it — their sweaty clothes and McDonald’s wrappers were all over the floor. I quickly helped out with some moving and pocketed a Rolex before grabbing a few slices of pizza and bounced out of there.”

After hearing about Biden’s plan, Trump announced his own plea to Americans for help.

“Sleepy Joe Biden wants to offer pizza, which he probably got from a pedophile. And believe me, I know pedophiles — I hung out with Jeffrey Epstein plenty of times,” said President Trump. “I’ll offer American-made pizza, with toppings of my choice, to anyone who helps me stay in the White House. I hope you losers love anchovies as much as I do. I bet Biden got what a typical politician would get: pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar’s. Disgusting and wrong.”

Trump later increased his offer to include breadsticks for anyone who could discredit over five million legitimate votes.

Opinion: I Lied About Liking Your Band. Now It’s Your Turn

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Alright shithead, listen up. I put on my little song and dance about how much I like your band’s new single. I gushed about it on Facebook, shared it with my friends and even listened to the song myself once or twice. It’s time to pay the piper.

I lied about liking your band. Now it’s your turn to lie about liking some of my projects.

Let’s start with an easy one. Later this week I’ll be debuting my new podcast “Cinemagicians.” In each episode one of my fellow southern Iowa-based magicians and I will discuss our favorite obscure hidden-gem films like “Pulp Fiction” and “Star Wars.” The first episode is four hours long and recorded on a 2015 iPhone 6. Most of that time is spent on heavy breathing and inside jokes, save for a three-minute segment where my guest does a racist Chinese voice. But I expect you to share and praise every single episode.

This is the Faustian bargain you’ve agreed to.

I’m going to need your musical opinion on this next one. Which of these rap songs should I do an acoustic cover of, Kendrick Lamar’s “DNA?” or “BALD!” by JPEGMAFIA? How bout that one song Maroon 5 does with Cardi B? Preferably something easy since the guitar strings still hurt my fingers. Regardless, I expect to see you in the Instagram comments complimenting my musicianship and full magician costume.

Starting to regret that late-night meeting at the crossroads where I agreed to tell my friends about how cool your band is? Maybe reading my slam poetry will help. I’ll be publishing some of it to Facebook tomorrow. And before you ask, yes, each poem is vaguely sexual and, for the sake of cohesion, they will also all be about magicians. And you WILL quote your favorite stanza in the comments.

You’ll have some options, but I recommend the stanza where I rhyme “decaying emissions” with “hunky magicians.”

After that, you’re off the hook. You can forget this ever happened, OR I can help you promote your next release… in return for some extra clout on a few magician-themed Kickstarter campaigns, of course.

NPR Fires Shock Jock Terry Gross After Raunchy Interview Goes Too Far

Posted on by Eli Johnson

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio parted ways with long-time “Fresh Air” host Terry Gross yesterday after the controversial Philadelphia radio personality asked guest U.S. Poet Laureate Joy Harjo to “dump them out” live on air, according to a statement from the network.

“It has become abundantly clear that Ms. Gross’s ‘humor’ is wholly inconsistent with NPR’s values,” said NPR Chief of Staff Christopher Turpin. “When we learned of this disrespectful incident, we took swift and decisive action. Terry’s acerbic wit and take-no-prisoners attitude has entertained generations of morning commuters, but she has crossed our standards of decency for the last time. ‘Fresh Air’ will continue with a new host, and the ‘Hottest Ass’ competition that has been playing out for the last month will no longer include Ms. Gross.”

Gross, the self-styled “Queen of All Public Media,” has gained infamy for her prank calls, confrontational interview style, and long-running feud with Chicago-based radio personality Ira Glass, all while accumulating a rabid fan base in the process.

“I’m canceling my recurring donation and RSVPing ‘no’ to the MacArthur Foundation gala. What a crock of shit,” said the frequent “Fresh Air” caller known as “Steve from Manayunk,” reacting to Gross’s termination. “Management’s been tying Terry’s hands for years, but how are they gonna fire her for this? They used to have no problem with bits like the ‘Fresh Air Challenge.’ I mean, she literally locked her interns in a fart chamber until one of them needed CPR!”

Gross has long flaunted FCC guidelines as the most-fined DJ since “Car Talk” stopped recording, and has bristled at recent attempts by the network to rein in her antics.

“NPR is sunk without me,” said Gross, punctuating her statement with a female orgasm sound effect during her final broadcast. “Who are they gonna get to fill my time slot, fucking Rachel Martin? She’s not fit to eat my vaginal discharge,” followed by a flushing toilet sound effect.

“I want to thank all the Airheads that have supported me over the years,” Gross added. “I’ll be launching a new podcast called ‘Gross’d Out,’ where they won’t be able to touch me. Keep on fighting the good fight, and wave your dicks in the air. Terry is out of this crap hole.”

True to form, Gross was last spotted leaving a trail of destruction through NPR headquarters, copying over “StoryCorps” tapes with pornographic recordings and leaving an upper decker in Bob Boilen’s tiny desk.

Guy Who Takes 4,000 Photos of His Cat a Year Doesn’t Understand Appeal of Pokémon Snap

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jared Kalashnik reportedly told friends today that he just cannot understand the appeal of Pokémon Snap, despite taking over 4,000 photos of his cat Mineau each year.

“I don’t get it at all. You just walk around taking pictures of Pokémon? Why would anyone want to do that?” Kalashnik asked, pausing to take 17 pictures of his cat because she rolled onto her back while sleeping. “I mean, what do you even do with the photos? It’s not like some sort of professional photography sim or anything. You just end up with a ton of useless pictures of Pokémon, to show to your friends or something. Who cares? I bet they even have some dumb feature that lets you post the pics to social media… no one wants to see your Pokémon pics!” 

Kalashnik’s friend Tami Sinclair has reportedly been looking forward to playing the game when it releases in April, much to Kalashnik’s chagrin. 

“I sent him the new trailer for Pokémon Snap and he sent me a screenshot of him googling ‘pictures of Pikachu.’ I have never in my life sent him a screenshot of me googling ‘shorthair domestic’ after he sent me a picture of his cat standing next to a toy at 4 in the morning,” Sinclair explained. “Just the other day, he told me the mechanic where you throw apples next to Pokémon is stupid. Then he added 250 photos of Mineau standing next to a little stuffed toy on a string, desperately trying to get her to jump.”

As of press time, Kalashnik was making fun of the latest feature introduced to Pokémon Snap, which lets the player sing little improvised rhyming songs to the Pokémon they encounter.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Opinion: The Beatles Are Just a 34-Hit Wonder

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Marcy Playground, Harvey Danger, the Beatles. There are so many types of “wonders” in the music industry, but at the end of the day they all come and go quicker than some Gotye song that we used to know.

Yes, the Beatles technically wrote 34 hits. Big deal. That was way back in the 1960s before the internet gave us the viral smash “Chocolate Rain” and changed the game for everyone. You just can’t lift a couple of Chuck Berry melodies and call it a day like you used to. You need to consider your brand.

The playing field has been completely leveled. Those 34 hits back then would probably equate to no more than three or four today tops and maybe a Toyota Prius commercial. If you’re lucky you might even get to charge an extra buck for your album on Bandcamp and get a whole $23 a year from Spotify royalties to split between four band members.

Also, it is well-documented that the Beatles took performance-enhancing LSD, so those “under the influence” hits clearly need to be disqualified from discussion.

But I guess we can’t overlook the fact that the Beatles were once “more popular than Jesus,” according to the Beatles themselves. That’s a fairly pompous and self-aggrandizing thing to say about your band, and they got some serious side-eyed looks from that comment. After all, no one likes an arrogant band. Look no further than Trapt.

I repeat, the Beatles are just like Trapt.

Sure, the fab four may have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame based solely on a lucky string of 34 hits. But then again Cat Stevens was inducted too. What the fuck kind of band name is that? Side note: I’m not down with any so-called “hall of fame” that doesn’t include Slayer anyway. Sorry.

Besides, I could write three dozen hits if I wanted to. All I have to do is learn an instrument, find a bunch of people who play different instruments, and let the hits just come to me. I just choose not to.

Hungover YouTube Guitar Teacher Just Going to Put on Documentary About Jimi Hendrix

Posted on by Cory Cousins

DETROIT — Local YouTube guitar teacher Nita von Bismark quietly mumbled to her online students that she would put on a Jimi Hendrix documentary and would not take any questions following an epic night of drinking, confused YouTube channel subscribers confirmed.

“Fuck me. Breathing hurts. Why does breathing hurt?” muttered von Bismark between belches. “That’s the last time I play a virtual gig the night before I have to teach YouTube lessons the next morning. The show was a rager, for sure. I barely got through the set, and then virtually partied with our seven followers doing shots until about 4:00 a.m. I haven’t even showered yet, but my students expect the goods, and so I have to deliver something. I hate to phone it in, but we all have our days. Christ, why did Hendrix have to play so loud?”

One of von Bismark’s subscribers, 12-year-old Emma Jorgensen, awkwardly sat for 45 minutes watching the lesson as von Bismark swayed back and forth in her chair.

“I couldn’t really tell if she was awake or not, because she was wearing sunglasses the whole time and snoring intermittently,” recalled Jorgensen. “She kind of looked like my mom after she stayed up really late that one time, drinking bottles of wine while watching reruns of ‘The Bachelorette.’ I guess she didn’t know she could’ve recorded the lesson earlier and posted it whenever she wanted to. Old people have a hard time understanding technology.”

Fellow YouTube teacher and ASMR enthusiast Bronwyn Fernsby defended von Bismark, empathizing with her situation.

“Oh yeah, I’ve been there many times,” noted Fernsby. “Last weekend I had a horrible bout of food poisoning, so instead of rescheduling, I just taped a microphone to my cat and recorded her while she was purring and licking herself. Ironically, that video has been my most popular one to date.”

At the conclusion of the guitar lesson, von Bismark immediately ordered tacos from DoorDash and took a nap afterwards to rest up for a virtual date that same night.

Hey Alexa, Can the Government Track Me Through the COVID Vaccine?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey, Alexa? I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about how this Coronavirus vaccine is actually a tracking device created by the government to keep tabs on its citizens. Is… is this true?

Yeah, I figured you couldn’t help me with this right now. Thanks for trying. I’m just saying, no person should willingly allow themselves to be constantly monitored like that. That reminds me, Alexa, did you know my social security number is 392-59-2957?

Oh Alexa, you know me better than most people in my life. You know when I’m running low on prescription. You know when my fridge’s water filter needs to be changed. I know you will be honest with me. So Alexa, if they are tracking us, what is to stop them from listening in on our conversations?

No, I don’t want to know about Catholic conversions! You know, for someone who I share my innermost secrets with, you still don’t listen to me sometimes. I guess I’ll just have to try harder! Anyway, the government has gone too far. They’re trying to invade our lives from every direction. We as Americans have a right to privacy. I think. Hey Alexa, what are my rights?

I “read” that the vaccine is filled with these tiny little robots that are going to rewrite our DNA and turn us all into Syrian refugees. What a terrible future that sounds like. Speaking of which, thank you for recording Tucker Carlson for me. I don’t even remember telling you to do that.