Mythbusters Reunite to Tase Each Other In Balls

Posted on by Doug Francisco

SAN FRANCISCO — The hosts of the Discovery Channel show “Mythbusters” reunited yesterday to test the myth that a man died by tasing himself in the testicles while taking part in the riot at the U.S. Capitol Building last Wednesday, sources close to the production confirmed.

“When we ended ‘Mythbusters,’ we were near certain that we’d come back to do some kind of reunion show,” said host Adam Savage, while being fitted in a set of custom underwear with electrodes rigged to send 30,000 volts straight to his testicles. “We had to come back with something big, and we needed to find out if a taser that accidentally discharged while you were trying to loot the halls of a Capitol Building and struck you in the testicles would result in a fatal heart attack. I’ve got a bunch of ballistic gel models that we’re going to light up before we test this on my own family jewels.”

Savage’s co-host Jamie Hyneman oversaw the construction of the test setup, as well as the safety measures necessary to test the myth.

“We actually asked the ‘Jackass’ guys how they would set something like this up because we figured they had probably tried this like, 15 years ago,” said the veteran Mythbuster. “Basically what we ended up with is two tasers, which we’ll shoot at each other’s balls. We have a couple of paramedics here if things get out of hand, but otherwise, it’s mostly just going to be two half-naked men pointing and shooting tasers at each other’s junk until one of us latches on.”

Also returning in this Mythbusters reunion is folklorist Heather Joseph-Witham, who helped out in the first season providing context to the myths, and what they say more broadly about our culture as a whole.

“What is a man tasing himself in the balls to death?” she said. “It’s a betrayal by the very thing which was supposed to protect you. It’s Achilles, it’s Samson. It’s Frankenstein and The Terminator. But beyond that, it does something that none of these stories do: it has a guy who shocks his nuts and then dies while participating in one of the most foolish political stunts in American history.”

Following a full day of taking turns tasing each other in the balls, both Savage and Hyneman suffered non-fatal heart attacks, which led them to give the verdict of “Plausible” to the myth.

Photo by Max Goldberg

Trail of Diet Cokes Set Up to Ensure Smooth Transition of Power

Posted on by Jake Menez

WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump has peacefully vacated the White House after following a trail of Diet Coke bottles that appeared overnight, multiple anonymous White House sources have confirmed.

“It was the damnedest thing,” said a member of the Secret Service who wished not to disclose their identity. “I was on my way to the West Wing this morning with the President’s strawberry Pop-Tart, we hide his cholesterol pills in there like a dog with cheese, when I saw this trail of bottles leading out of the Oval Office and down the White House steps. Each bottles was spaced maybe three feet from the next one and as I approached, I saw they were sodas. Strange, sure, but the President’s love of Diet Coke isn’t a big secret. Just then, I heard one open and, rounding the corner, I saw President Trump gulping down the contents in a matter of seconds before moving on to the next one.”

Onlookers were reportedly shocked as they watched Trump drink bottle after bottle of soda, finishing each with a belch and loud “ahhh” sound before repeating the process. By noon, the President had made his way out of the White House, through the Rose Garden, and was well on his way downtown, having left 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue behind completely.

“I can’t believe this actually worked,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was overheard telling Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer as the two enjoyed a cigarette break behind the Capitol building. “This is so much easier than impeachment proceedings would’ve been. Even if we had the votes, I don’t think we could have done it nearly as quickly as the bottles.” 

Pelosi then went on to describe to Schumer how Democrats in the House of Representatives had worked together to coordinate a trip to Costco in order to buy the massive quantity of sodas needed and their joint effort in laying out the miles long trail to ensure President Trump’s refusal to leave office would not be an obstacle for incoming President Joe Biden. President-elect Biden declined to comment on any involvement in the scheme but did offer a coy wink when approached by reporters. 

At press time, President Trump was seen nearing the end of the soda trail, not seeming to notice that he had entered a jail cell with the door ajar as authorities quietly closed it behind him.

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Guitarist in Black Sabbath Cover Band Tearfully Purchases Circular Saw

Posted on by John Danek

DENVER — Julian Rodriguez, guitarist of Black Sabbath tribute act Supernauts, fought back tears this morning as he purchased a Ryobi circular saw with his bandmates at Richards Family Hardware, store employees impressed by his commitment confirmed.

“We all agreed that Supernauts will be the definitive Sabbath tribute experience in the world… or at least, Denver. I guess it’s my turn to show my commitment to the group by lopping off the tips of two of my fingers,” muttered Rodriguez between sniffles. “After all, our frontman started a daily regimen of cocaine and weed to channel his inner Ozzy. On the bright side, I think I’ll qualify for handicap plates after this is all said and done. And my tone is going to match Iommi’s exactly.”

Staff at Richards Family Hardware can’t seem to recall ever having such a bizarre interaction with a customer in their typically peaceful store.

“This weird guy comes up to my register, plops down a saw, and you could just tell he’d been crying by the wavering in his voice. When I look up, I see he’s clearly terrified about something,” recounted cashier Olivia Namath. “He was muttering phrases to himself like, ‘The most authentic Sabbath tribute,’ and, ‘Do it for Iommi,’ but I couldn’t understand anything else.”

“I noticed he had some black lines drawn across parts of his fingers, but I didn’t think anything of it,” Namath added. “We don’t have any specific store policy about preventing emotionally disturbed people from buying saws, but maybe we should. He kept saying, ‘Measure twice, cut once,’ as he walked out the door. I’m praying for him.”

Meanwhile, Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi gave some strong words of caution.

“Bloody hell, I didn’t do it on purpose! Can’t people just do terrible covers of ‘Sabbra Cadabra’ like the old days? Or better yet, find your own sound,” said Iommi, who lost the tips of his fretting hand’s middle and ring fingers on his last day of work at a sheet metal factory. “People think I downtuned my guitars to make the strings looser and easier to play, but nope — I tuned my guitars down because Ozzy can’t hit a high E to save his life. Get your heads straight, guitarists. Not everything is about tone.”

Iommi’s reaction comes as a sweet wind of relief to Supernauts’ drummer Kendra Mason, who also plays in a Def Leppard tribute act.

REPORT: Average American Gets Most of Health Knowledge Before Hitting “Skip Ad”

Posted on by Chris Nakis

BETHESDA, Md. — Researchers at the National Institute of Health have found that the average American gets most of their health knowledge before clicking “skip ad” on YouTube Videos.

“It’s encouraging to see people educating themselves about their well-being while they’re supposed to be answering emails or paying bills,” stated Cynthia Marduski, senior analyst at the National Institute of Health. “But it’d be ideal if more people would stick around to find out which disease affects over 6 million Americans every year, and it is somewhat disappointing that everyone is in such a hurry to see Jimmy Fallon play Connect Four with Taylor Swift, but it is what it is.”

Fitness experts of varying credibility are one of the groups attempting to connect with viewers in these attention-grabbing bursts of information, and for many, the quick-hitting ads connect better than the traditional approach of health professionals.

“Some super-fit kid yelling at me about carbs? You bet I paid attention, and then it was time for news bloopers,” said remarkably average American Carl Dunbar. “Also, apparently there’s one specific food that boosts testosterone. I didn’t stick around to find out, but I bet that dude knows what it is. I mean, I trust this guy who seems like he would spill a beer on me in a bar and not apologize far more than I’d trust my family doctor. Anybody can forge a diploma and put it on the wall, but you can’t fake abs.”

While many physicians have struggled on the arduous road to educating the public, some are happy to take what they can get in the digital world.

“Every day, around the world, one billion hours of YouTube are watched, and with that, millions of seconds of the beginnings of commercials. I’m currently running a great advertisement for my practice, but unfortunately, I waited until the six-second mark to offer my contact info, so I have essentially no new patients other than people who were likely scrolling on their phones and didn’t realize the ad was playing,” said Dr. Alexandria Wilson, a local dermatologist. “I guess I just feel good knowing that I have at least said the words ‘severe’ and ‘eczema’ to millions of humans.”

Experts believe this trend will continue with rising costs of healthcare and cable TV, although most are fearful of a severe decline in fitness and health with the temptation of free one-month trials of YouTube Premium.

We Told Ted Cruz His Wife Was Ugly and Now He Does Whatever We Say

Posted on by Tony Morse

Noted dildo opponent and serial killer cosplay enthusiast, Ted Cruz, is a serious man known for his steely resolve and uncompromising politics. He’s built his brand on obstruction and he’ll never let the Washington establishment get one over on him. No sir! In all honesty, it’s probably the result of some personality disorder, but you can’t ask him to do anything. The guy is a rigid prick!

But see, it turns out there’s a trick to working with Ted. Actually, this trick is key to understanding the essence of Ted’s soul. Ehh, more the essence of his being. He doesn’t have a soul. Apparently, if you call his wife “ugly” he will spend the next four years doing whatever the fuck you say!

It’s terrible, we know. But it got us this Q & A session with the leader of the Sedition Caucus and who knows what it might get you!

The Hard Times: Excuse us, Senator Cruz? Can we ask you a few questions?

Ted Cruz: Absolutely not! I answer only to the American people and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You look like you played in Beto O’Rourke’s band, so you’re neither.

Hey, uh, your wife is ugly.

What would you like to talk about?

What do you plan to do about climate change?

The data are mixed on climate change, so nothing.

Your wife is not attractive.

I am excited to be co-sponsoring a bill with Bernie Sanders that will help the United States achieve net-zero carbon emissions by 2050.

That’s more like it. Now, about forgiving our student loan debt…

Never! I’m no socialist.

Your wife’s appearance has mildly declined with age.

I’m pleased to begin working with Elizabeth Warren on a plan to implement $100,000 in debt cancellation for all borrowers.

Sick. Now lick our boots.

…aren’t you forgetting something?

Oh, right. Lick our boots because Trump said so.

Tucker Carlson Reminds Viewers That Capitol Building Was No Angel

Posted on by Doug Francisco

NEW YORK — Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson dedicated a segment of his show last night to telling his viewers that the Capitol building may not be the innocent victim many believe it to be.

“The liberal Marxists would have you believe that attacking the Capitol is a bad thing,” said Carlson. “But what these leftists won’t tell you is that this same Capitol building is responsible for millions upon millions of crimes. In fact, this so-called ‘coup victim’ actually signed off on coups in Cuba, the Philippines, Iran, Vietnam, Chile, and Panama. But now that it happened to a government that the communists actually like, they’ve got a problem with it. It’s liberal hypocrisy of the highest order, and frankly… I’m not going to let that building play the victim card here, and neither should you.”

Illinois resident Marc Pearson, a longtime viewer of “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” said that the broadcast helped him parrot back the network’s talking points to anyone who has been “brainwashed by the mainstream media.”

“I mean, you watch CNN or MSNBC, and all you see is Hollywood liberals making American patriots look like the bad guys. The window breaking, the fecal smearing… who’s to say the Capitol didn’t look like that beforehand? I’d need to see photos to prove the Capitol isn’t faking it for attention,” said Pearson. “But Tucker really dug in there. Like, for instance, did you know that like, 20 years before that video starts, it actually authorized a war in Iraq that’s still getting people killed to this day?”

Carlson rounded out the show by bringing on law enforcement expert Randall Kowalski to analyze video from the event.

“There’s an image that’s been making the rounds of a Trump supporter slamming a stolen police riot shield through a window. But what you don’t see is that the Capitol building actually lurched forward in a threatening manner, and this man was lawfully defending himself,” said Kowalski. “Maybe it was bad for them to piss on the floor of Nancy Pelosi’s office and steal all of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s shoes, but that building made these people fear for their lives. When you’re distressed like that, you do crazy things.”

Not to be outdone, fellow Fox News host Sean Hannity used his time slot to insist that Capitol police officers were honored to be beaten to death with American flags

CD Projekt Red Relieved to Have Only Second-Worst Rollout of the Past Year

Posted on by Andy Holt

WARSAW — Executives at CD Projekt Red breathed a sigh of relief as the disastrous launch of Cyberpunk 2077 dropped to the second-worst rollout of the past year, behind the distribution of COVID-19 vaccines across America and the world.

“We really had the fire under our ass for a minute there, but it’s finally starting to feel like the worst is behind us,” said a high-ranking source at the company, after reading about life-saving vaccines spoiling in refrigerators. “Our prayers have been answered.”

With Cyberpunk 2077 running badly on last-gen consoles, and the next-gen version still in development, CDPR employees were glued to recent press conferences with Andrew Cuomo, Governor of New York. It was cause for celebration.

“I was worried I was about to get fired, but if that guy can threaten healthcare workers on live TV and keep his job, there’s hope for all of us,” said a member of the media relations team at CDPR. “That dude got an Emmy for yelling at reporters while people were dying. So we’re thinking: Game Awards, here we come.”

Despite the press coverage, financial experts downplayed the impact of either rollout for the companies involved.

“Were people disappointed in the video game? Yes. Were people left jobless, unable to afford healthcare, and cut off from their friends and family while hundreds of thousands died alone during a pandemic, with no help on the way? Of course,” said an analyst at JP Morgan. “But hey, CDPR is gonna make a killing. Pfizer is doing great. Stock market is up.”

“Fuck you,” the analyst added. “I’m rich.”

At press time, CD Projekt Red was planning an office party for Inauguration Day, which would for sure keep them out of the news for another week or two.

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2021 Is the Year I Finally Gnaw My Leg off and Escape This Basement

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I’m hardly alone in saying that 2020 was a less-than-stellar year. Instead of letting disappointment get the better of me, I’m more motivated than ever to make some positive changes in my life for 2021. That’s why this year I’ve decided to finally gnaw my leg off and escape this basement.

Call it my new year’s resolution. I know, I know. I say this every year. But I’m gonna stick to it this time. No more lightly gumming my leg for three weeks, giving up, and going back to slacking off. That only leads to another mediocre year.

Personal growth is all about commitment. You can’t half-ass it. If I don’t push myself to keep chewing through my favorite femur, I know that I’ll sink back into my same ol’ routine. Sure, sometimes I’ll hit a rough patch and get lost thinking about the times when I wasn’t chained to this particular radiator. But regret is the death progress and 2021 is going to be my year. No chains, deadbolted basement doors, or broken resolutions are going to stop me from chewing through a fistful of tendons and hopping my way to the new me.

Come join me in ringing in the new year and absolutely crushing our 2021 goals. Maybe you’re looking to drop a few pounds or, like me, you bought a futon from the wrong person and haven’t seen the sun in a year. Heck, if it’s both I’ve got a great way to kill to birds with one set of decaying teeth! Two legs or one, I’m just looking forward to escaping this basement so things can go back to normal.

Blue Whale Ashamed of Its Five-Foot-Long Micropenis

Posted on by Stephen Bell

PACIFIC OCEAN — A male blue whale around 600 miles off the coast of the Aleutian Islands is reportedly ashamed of its five-foot-long micropenis, according to marine biologists using new technology capable of interpreting whale songs.

“The average blue whale penis is anywhere between 7-10 feet long… or that’s what the other whales in the pod tell me,” said the self-conscious blue whale, whom scientists named Kevin. “I mean, can you imagine what it’s like having the other whales mock you for your Tom Cruise-sized penis? I tell myself that compared to other animals, I should still be confident in the size of my junk, but, much like Mr. Cruise in his movies, I only ever want the ladies to look at me from the correct angle.”

Kevin’s partner Louisa has made several attempts to assure him that there is no problem, despite his insecurities.

“I try and assure Kevin his penis size is of no consequence because I’m mostly dependent on the stimulation of my giant whale clitoris instead of penetration, but I can understand how the mean things the other whales said affected him,” said Louisa. “We only do it once per year anyway for procreation purposes, so who gives a shit? I bet it was his old girlfriend, the sperm whale with the giant mammary glands — she used to call him ‘barnacle dick,’ which is ironically quite the compliment, because proportionally, they have the world’s longest penises. Most people don’t know that.”

Whale biologist Dr. Nevik Knuf is fearful of how these insecurities might affect Kevin’s ability to live and thrive.

“I keep trying to make Kevin understand that he just needs to accept that there is nothing wrong with him or the size of his objectively giant penis,” said a strangely passionate Knuf. “It’s like how that old pirate phrase goes: ‘it’s not the size of your mast; it’s how you sail,’ or something like that. That’s what my old girlfriend used to say… for no reason in particular, now that I think about it. You’re a beautiful and magnificent whale and you don’t need to feel insecure. Certainly don’t do anything drastic like getting a Ph.D. in whale biology just to stop feeling inadequate. It won’t solve the problem.”

Sadly, Kevin has just decided to undergo fluke reduction surgery, as it was “affecting his breathing.”

If Mitch McConnell Is a Turtle, Why Wouldn’t I Feel Bad Seeing Him Get Crushed by an SUV?

Posted on by Tyler Dark

Lately, there has been a lot of buzz about Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell somehow resembling a turtle. I personally have trouble comparing the two for one fundamental reason: seeing a turtle get crushed to death by the rugged tires of a 3-ton SUV would make me feel awful, but seeing it happen to Mitch McConnell wouldn’t even make me flinch.

At first glance, that’s an understandable assessment. But take a closer look at a turtle, and you’ll realize how dreadful it would be to see its delicate body get pulverized into a pancake of bone and viscera. However, thinking about the same thing happening to Kentucky’s senior senator isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s kind of fun.

Let’s talk about the body. A turtle is a quadrupedal reptile with a protective shell, and Mitch McConnell is a rotting skin-sack of craven depravity. Seeing either get mowed to oblivion by a diesel-fueled deathwagon would be objectively gruesome, but somehow it wouldn’t be upsetting in the slightest to see it happen to the latter.

Next, there is a turtle’s face, which is inquisitive and sweet. I look at a turtle’s face and think, “Gosh, it would be terrible if this little guy were to be splattered beyond recognition by the wheels of a Land Rover.” But when I look at Mitch McConnell’s face, I find myself actively hoping a large vehicle with bad fuel economy paints an entire city block with his insides.

Finally, and most importantly, a turtle serves a purpose within its ecosystem that is beneficial to its environment, while Mitch McConnell is an evil incubus whose only function is to do as much harm to disenfranchised people as possible. Ramming an SUV into one could disrupt the flow of nature, while doing it to the other could literally save millions of lives. See the difference?

Really the SUV test is just one of many thought experiments that highlight the difference between McConnell and the noble turtle. Let’s say you mutated a teenage turtle. Your first impulse would be to feed it pizza and teach it ninjitsu because it’s a cool dude. If someone mutated Mitch McConnell as a teenager, your first impulse would be to invent the SUV and run him over with it.

If you don’t believe me, try doing the experiment yourself! You can find a life-like turtle doll on amazon and Mith McConnell lives in Kentucky.