Kanye Appears Outside Kim’s Window Holding Boombox Playing Own Music

Posted on by Rick Homuth

CALABASAS, Calif. — An emotional Kanye West stood outside soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardashian’s bedroom window last night while holding a boombox playing his own music in a desperate bid to win her back, annoyed sources confirmed.

“I ain’t gonna lie, y’all, I’m down bad right now. Kim and I have had our issues, but this is the worst it’s been since I hit an elk with one of the Wyoming ATVs,” West said, clad in a never-before-seen $1,875 Yeezy trench coat. “So I asked myself, ‘How would the greatest artist of all time fix the greatest marriage of all time?’ And I knew immediately — by flushing his meds and bumping the greatest apology song of all time. God himself couldn’t write a better song, but at the same time, I am a God, so fuck y’all. I just wish my mama was here to see this.”

However, Kardashian was unimpressed with the gesture, wondering aloud why her husband didn’t simply use his keys to enter their California mansion and play the song over their $4 million home stereo system.

“He’s not even on the song he’s out there waking up the whole neighborhood with,” she said, cradling one-year-old Psalm West after being stirred by the noise. “It’s just some old 40-second snippet of a DaBaby verse with all the curse words taken out. He even dubbed over the word ‘bitch’ with ‘God.’ At least Beyonce got an apology on a song that Jay-Z actually released. Who the hell wants to listen to this garbage?”

17-year-old Kyle Mulholland, moderator of several Kanye West fan forums and a happenstance bystander at the West residence, was ecstatic to witness what he described as “one of the greatest moments of [his] life.”

“Can you believe it?! He’s right there! Holy cow, wait ‘til the guys on the subreddit hear about this!” Mulholland said, scrambling to take out his iPhone and begin recording. “I was just in the neighborhood, y’know, like I tend to be every week around the time they happen to bring their trash and recycling to the curb. Thank God I skipped out on grandma’s birthday dinner!”

At press time, eyewitnesses reported West had given up the boombox stunt, and instead found himself in a heated argument with the hologram of Kardashian’s late father Robert, now a permanent fixture on the front lawn.

Nation Sets Aside Differences to Agree on Timothy Olyphant

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — A nation on the brink of collapse took a few moments today to universally agree that Timothy Olyphant is a charismatic actor. 

“Oh yeah, that guy just makes everything he is in better,” said Nate Sawyer, taking a brief timeout from arguing with his nephew about the recent violent insurrection in Washington D.C.  “Deadwood, Justified, The Mandalorian, dude just steals everything he’s in, whether he’s the lead or just doing a cameo. I’m not sure why I’m thinking about it all the sudden, but damn, I haven’t felt this calm in a month. Olyphant rules.”

The topic of conversation unexpectedly came up from coast to coast, reaching all the way to the highest ranks of the American government. 

“While we debate what must be done following the abhorrent and disgraceful acts of January 6th, let us all take a minute to reflect on Timothy Olyphant’s filmography, and how fun it is when he shows up in something,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer addressing the senate earlier today. “How cool would it be if he shows up more in that Boba Fett show?” 

No one is quite sure what caused the worldwide reflective moment, but the implications are already being dissected by professors and scientists all over the nation. 

“What we have learned today is that no matter what side of the political spectrum you fall on, pretty much everyone can agree that Timothy Olyphant seems like a chill dude you could probably hang with and never get tired of,” said sociologist Danielle Bullock. “We’re not all the way sure if this has any further use or anything, but we’re going to try to contact him to see if he will make some kind of plea to the American people about maintaining a cool, cool head.” 

As of press time Olyphant had not answered the call from the scientific community, which they said they totally get.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

I will tell you all a secret about one of the struggles I face when writing these columns up: whenever someone’s comment is really funny, I have trouble coming up with a joke to go along with it. So for my sake, if you get a great idea for a comment on one of our articles, consider just making it a good comment instead.  I ask this even though I know you won’t, for you all are true professionals to the end. Let’s see what you all brought to the table this week!

Adopting D&D podcasts only puts a band-aid on a much larger issue. We need to teach podcast abstinence in high schools, so that kids will only record  and play back conversations with their spouses like God intended.

Also, hey wait a minute, where have I seen this joke before?!

Normally, I agree with holding those in power accountable, but anyone who buys a product with the word ‘Oops!’ on it is an enabler. Money talks, and when you buy Oops! All Berries, you’re saying that the Captain can do whatever the fuck he wants. Would you buy a product called “Oops! All Pulp”? Have some self respect for Christ’s sake.

If you aren’t hustling, you are in the back of the human centipede for a reason. I don’t care how tired or malnourished you are. Read a book every day, invest in stocks, get a side gig as the insane doctor’s lab assistant. The back of the human centipede is not a place, but a state of mind. 

Keep in mind, by the way, some of those tasks might be difficult to do because your face is sewn to someone’s asshole. But hey, not with that attitude!

We are going to find out Force ghosts are real when Harrison Ford comes back from the grave to choke an animator to death. The only thing that will calm his spirit is the sacrifice of George Lucas, which he has already unknowingly agreed to when he signed Star Wars off to Disney.

Jay was pretty quick to deny he was Kumail Ninjiani, what is he hiding? Someone go check his delts, we’re getting to the bottom of this.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Entire Viewing of Movie Spent Reading Film’s IMDb Page

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MEDFORD, N.Y. — Aspiring film buff and possible ADD sufferer Jacob Leftwich spent the entire duration of “The Godfather” yesterday scouring tidbits and fun facts on the movie’s IMDb page, reported sources sick of being asked to explain what just happened.

“Let’s be honest, I was probably going to be distracted by my phone the whole time anyway, so might as well check out the film’s trivia and goofs while I’m at it,” said Leftwich before pivoting to a scathing one-star review from IMDB user spoilerjizz182. “Sure, I had absolutely no clue what was going on in the film, but I think it was just as essential for me to know Robert Duvall was wearing a toupee. And did you also know that one of the stuntmen in ‘The Godfather’ was also a stuntman in ‘Cannonball Run 2?’ In theory, details like this would kill at parties, assuming I ever get invited to one.”

Partner Cameron Parker has grown understandably frustrated by Leftwich’s insufficient viewing habits.

“There we were, watching one of the greatest movies of all time, and he’s yammering on about the aspect ratio and camera lenses,” said Parker. “Around the baptism scene I gave up trying to get him to engage, and tuned him out entirely when he started monotonously reciting all 50 filming locations and whether he had been to each one before. He finally put his phone down just in time for ending credits… and immediately picked it back up to read the movie’s synopsis on that same dumb app.”

Experts noted how technology and shortened attention spans are affecting the film industry.

“More and more people view a movie through the lens of its IMDb page,” said film critic Jessica Davestein. “Nothing short of continuous on-screen 3-D explosions will pry people away from their phones. So in that sense, this would mean that ‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ is a far superior and more engaging film than, say, that boring-ass slog ‘The Deer Hunter.’”

At press time, Leftwich switched over to the Letterboxd app to read several reviews of “The Godfather” before deciding he enjoyed the movie.

Woman Seeking Reassurance from 10 Friends Before Following Gut Feeling

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

HYANNIS, Mass. — Local woman and generally uncertain person Anne Levy is on a desperate quest to validate her supposed “gut feeling” that she should end her relationship, exasperated sources confirm.

“I think that it’s like, so important to follow your gut… which is why I run every decision by all of my friends and some loose acquaintances, just to make sure my gut is right and I can trust it, ” said Levy. “My friend Sally told me it’s a bad sign I feel bored around my boyfriend Greg sometimes, which made me realize my gut is definitely telling me we should break up. But then again, my other friend Ahmed said it was normal to get bored in a long-term relationship, so now my gut is kind of torn on this one. What do you think I should do?”

Despite Levy’s promises that she’s going to “speak her truth” to her boyfriend about her wavering gut feeling, some of her friends find it pointless to give her advice.

“I’m sick of her asking me if I think that her ‘gut feeling’ is right. How the fuck am I supposed to know?” said long-term friend Mahdi Abdullah. “Plus, whenever she’s explaining her ‘intuition’ to me, she’s simultaneously copying and pasting a written-out version of it to everyone in her contacts, so I feel like she’s not even listening. Ever since she’s gotten off Lexapro, her anxiety’s been unbearable.”

Levy’s Cape Cod-based spiritual coach and psychic Kimmi Clark believes Levy should follow her intuition, especially when it comes to her relationships.

“Anne broke up with her last boyfriend because I pulled out the Devil card in her last reading,” said Clark. “I think she should follow her ‘gut feeling’ on this one — and not just because she’ll book five more $80 readings to reassure herself that she didn’t make a mistake breaking up with him. Honestly, I just toss a coin when I have big decisions to make. Even if I do end up making the wrong one, I usually get over it in like, two years, three tops. Who cares, we’re all gonna die eventually anyway.”

At press time, Levy posted a photo with her boyfriend, who she now knows is “the one” thanks to “that little voice inside” and the opinion of several of her friends, coworkers, and her second cousin, Michelle, who just celebrated her sixth birthday.

Opinion: Any Dog Is a Therapy Dog if You Steal Its Anxiety Medication

Posted on by Dom Turek

Some people say a dog is a man’s best friend, but with a little maneuvering and a stolen prescription pad, a dog can also be a man’s best drug dealer.

Therapy dogs and emotional support animals are one of America’s fastest-growing trends, but they’re also one of America’s fastest-growing scams. Experts boast that interactions with trained animals can lower blood pressure, release endorphins and decrease anxiety, but so can two diazepams and a bottle of fortified wine, and at a fraction of the cost.

Getting your pet the right certifications can cost hundreds of dollars and countless hours of training, and for what? So that your dog can bring your slippers to the foot of the bed, or sniff out a peanut allergy? Thanks, but I can carry my own slippers to the foot of my partially deflated air mattress. In the interest of saving time and money, I recommend cutting out the middleman and going straight to the source by stealing your animal’s prescribed anxiety medication.

Although it’s possible to transform any dog into a therapy dog by stealing its medication, some dogs are more ideal candidates than others. The bigger the dog, the higher the milligram you’ll get, so stay away from any breed smaller than a watermelon. This means no Pomeranians, no Dachshunds, and absolutely no Bichon Frise’s.

A Bernese Mountain dog with separation anxiety is ideal, but if time is of the essence a standard Golden Retriever with an aversion to fireworks also works.

Naysayers will say it’s unethical. They’ll lecture you about America’s opioid epidemic and tell you that prescription pills are merely a band-aid solution to a larger mental health crisis, which is precisely my argument for keeping these drugs away from our beloved pets. Despite what my critics think, I don’t steal my dog’s drugs because I don’t care about her. I steal them because I care too much and because the street value for trazodone recently doubled.

If falling asleep night after night high on dog Xanax with a lit cigarette in my hand is the price I have to pay to keep my dog safe and off hard drugs, so be it.

Practice Space’s COVID Safety Protocol Says Nothing About Horrible Black Mold Problem

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DEER PARK, N.Y. — The owners of local rehearsal space Damned Studios released a number of safety protocols yesterday for COVID, but failed to address the facility’s rampant black mold problem despite dozens of complaints about it in their suggestion box, agitated yet slightly light-headed sources confirmed.

“Evidently, my recent chest pains and difficulty breathing episodes aren’t due to COVID — they’re the result of inhaling these wickedly pungent black mold aromas during practice over the last two years,” said Heather Docker, rehearsal space regular and bassist for the synthpop band Interplanetary Courtship Ritual. “Worse yet, this black mold seems to be some sort of living, breathing organism that’s only getting stronger by the day. I’ve actually seen it shift in real time and feed on several insects like some sort of ‘Tales From the Crypt’ creature. I try to stay six feet away from that monstrous fungi for my own safety.”

Practice studio management addressed the new protocols.

“We basically just copied and pasted the COVID guidelines from the CDC website, but we’ve been painting over the black mold thing for years, so we’re out of ideas on how to resolve that one,” said Jason Hawlister, co-proprietor of the practice space rentals. “I did wipe down the black gunk with a generous amount of hand sanitizer just this morning, so it should be fine. In the meantime, I tell bands to wear a mask so they don’t spread COVID, and more importantly, avoid breathing in the hazardous mold infesting this building. And of course, to remember that we are contractually not responsible for any medical incidents or side effects as a result of working within our studios. I’m thinking by this time next year this whole COVID thing will be behind us and the black mold will hopefully just sort of go away on its own, like the carbon monoxide probably did.”

Experts stressed the importance of implementing safety procedures.

“Could you imagine if we had competent government leadership handling this pandemic?” said health expert Jeanine Hortovine. “Sure, we’d still walk around maskless demanding our rights not be infringed upon while huddled indoors during brunch, but only out of spite. Regardless, you still need a plan; just don’t expect anyone to follow it. That’s the American way. And definitely don’t expect leadership to intelligently handle two complex problems at once. Nuh-uh.”

The practice studios have reported no COVID cases, but did shut down for roughly an hour today after several individuals were exposed to asbestos falling through the ceiling cracks.

Sony Schedules PS5 Drop for Precise Moment Local Man Looks Away From Screen

Posted on by Just Lunning

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Aspiring PS5 owner John Blatzby has reportedly found some consistency in Sony’s seemingly random PS5 drops, claiming the company always schedules a drop for the precise moment he looks away from the screen.

“If I leave my computer to use the bathroom or grab some UTZ pretzels, there are hundreds of PS5 victory tweets on my Twitter timeline when I return,” said Blatzby, who has been attempting to secure the PS5 since September 2020. “Why couldn’t I be in that number?”

After spending entire days with his credit card in hand at his computer, hoping to make a purchase, Blatzby was positive that Sony was specifically avoiding him.

“I should have a console by now. I’ve followed all the accounts — Wario64, PS5 Drop, Spiel Times — and stayed attentive. Either I’ve been cursed by a witch or Sony drops PS5s at the exact moment that I look away from my screen.” 

After months of silence, Sony issued a public comment on Blatzby’s situation. 

“It overjoys us that so many people want the PS5,” said a Sony representative. “Despite the demand, we like to deny the console to a few specific people, just to keep the hype train moving. This time we chose John Blatzby. By no means can John Blatzby get a PS5.” 

After the statement, Blatzby’s friends began to request that he look away briefly every day, to give them a chance to buy their own PS5. Sony has confirmed that the friends are allowed to get one, but cannot share it with Blatzby.

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Stoner Metalhead Running a “‘Dopesmoker’ and a Half” Late to Work

Posted on by Zac Lux

BROOKLYN — Local stoner metalhead Graham Wyatt overslept this morning after a night of drinking and weed smoking, which caused him to run a “‘Dopesmoker’ to a ‘Dopesmoker’ and a half” late to work today, irritated management and coworkers confirm.

“Yup, I really fucked up. I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that the sun was way too bright and I was late as fuck,” said Graham Wyatt, Senior Art Director at Bronze Lightning Media. “I would’ve been on time if I woke up to my initial alarm, but I snoozed for like, a ‘Jerusalem,’ and that was a huge mistake. After working 60 ‘Dopesmokers’ a week, working pitch after pitch, I really needed some time to re-energize and follow the smoke to the riff-filled land, know what I’m saying? Working on new business is freaking exhausting.”

Wyatt’s stoner metal timekeeping has not only directly affected the workflow of his team, but the functionality of the rest of the company as well.

“We haven’t been able to process any of his timesheets,” said Dwayne Espinosa, who has been working in Accounts Payable at Bronze Lightning for seven years, “He keeps writing in Sleep albums as standard units of time. And it’s confusing, because I don’t know if that’s the running time of the album itself, or if bonus tracks count. It’s messing with my timesheets and I’ve asked him countless times to fix it. The system is so backed up, I haven’t been able to process the books from last year. I’m telling you, creatives are the worst.”

Horologists worldwide have seen a spike in stoner metal-based time measuring systems since the 2009 reunion of the band Sleep.

“It’s quite fascinating, really,” explained watchmaker Corrina Marsden. “The most curious thing about operating under Stoner Metal Time is that unlike the average clock, running from 12 A.M. to 12 P.M., they run from 4:20 A.M. to 4:20 P.M., essentially cutting the day down from 24 hours to 16. This means they discovered a way to effectively stretch time. My colleagues and I have spent the last decade working tirelessly — 24 hours a day, mind you — to figure out a way to prove and defend this thesis. Stoner metal has been without a doubt the best thing to happen to the horology community since the beginning of time itself.”

Meanwhile, the members of Sleep will end their hiatus and record an album with a run time of two weeks for metalheads who need to better time their vacations from work.

Adam Sandler Rips Up New Script After Trump Supporter Tases Himself in Balls and Dies

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

LOS ANGELES — Actor and filmmaker Adam Sandler was forced to dispose of the screenplay for his new film “Hank Lieberman: Ghost Detective” after news of a man tasing himself in the testicles until he died rendered the plot of the movie unoriginal and derivative.

“God fucking dammit, fuckin’ son of a bitch, shit! Eight months down the fucking drain,” exclaimed the frustrated Sandler, feeding pages of the script into a shredder. “Of course I’m upset. The whole movie revolves around a guy who tases himself in the nuts like a big dumb idiot and dies but then becomes a ghost helping other ghosts solve crimes. This was gonna be the one I retire on, and now it’s nothing. Shit, now I gotta call Schneider and tell him the whole thing is off. This is gonna break his heart.”

After the attempted coup in Washington, D.C. this past Wednesday, the treasonous and hilarious situation caused production on the upcoming film to halt.

“It’s not just the writers and actors who are hurting, this circumstance is taking a lot of jobs on set,” said Nathaniel Burke, an associate producer at Happy Madison. “This film was greenlit because it was so absurd we didn’t think it could happen in the real world. It kind of throws a wrench in everything else we have coming up. We had another project where a gang of racist white uncles trying to commit federal crimes won’t stop posting about committing federal crimes on Facebook. That just got shit-canned too. We’re done.”

News of this cancellation comes as a disappointment to many fans, for whom the often mindless films of Sandler are a welcome departure from the trauma of current events.

“I watch these movies because I love how improbable they are. It’s not the same when something like that happens in the real world, then we all have to take it seriously and pretend it’s not like the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard,” stated Madison, Wisconsin resident, Vicky Fleming. “Honestly, I don’t know what’s real anymore. Is there really a remote that can pause and rewind time? Do women really want to fuck David Spade? I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.”

At press time, Sandler has reportedly begun writing a film about “A mailman who has to deliver a bomb, I don’t give a shit,” as well as wrapping production on “Don’t Mess With the Zohan 2: Zohanukkah.”