We Sat Down With the Trapt Fan

Posted on by Bobby Korec

There’s no better way to get to know a band than through their fanbase, especially when that band has blocked all your Twitter alts. That’s why we felt incredibly lucky when we were able to track down Chip, the one and only fan of the band “Trapt.” It probably doesn’t matter, but just an FYI he took a pretty bad ding to the noggin at Ozzfest in ’02 and he appears to be mentally stuck in that year. Poor guy never saw that three-liter of Faygo coming. Now he’s doomed to walk the Earth in JNCOs and chain wallets, forever attempting to land a kickflip. Here’s what he had to say:

The Hard Times: Thanks for chatting with us today. You like Trapt. Why though?

Chip: I lost my virginity to “Headstrong” and I’ve considered it my “getting lucky” song ever since. Sure, don’t get laid so often. But I’ve gotten into a TON of arguments with guys who do.

What is it about the band’s message that keeps you a fan?

Typically I despise bands that get all political and self-aggrandizing, but there’s just something about the way I agree with all their politics and self-aggrandizement. If you’re going to get political, you should at the very least align your lyrics with my personal politics. That’s fuckin’ rock and roll.

Thanks to the online behavior of their singer Chris Taylor Brown, the band was kicked off Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Do you separate the art from the artist’s tweets?

Dude what the fuck even are those words? But if they got kicked off something then I like them even MORE. Alternative nu-metal has gotten real soft. These bands used to be so badass in the ’90s with their chin goatees, eyebrow piercings, and “fuck you, mom,” attitudes. Now they’re all like, lame and all 2000’s and stuff with their chinstraps, and lip piercings, and “fuck you, dad” attitudes. Not Trapt, though. They’re real counterculture.

Have you been following them on Parler too?

Oh, of course! I get all my news from Parler.

And finally, what’s it like to have a fanbase all to yourself?

Honestly, it’s pretty lonely. I’ve tried connecting with other fans but simply couldn’t find any. There are simply not enough “Trapt-er-Keepers” like myself. Come on, fellas! Let that fandom out! I know it’s… Trapt in there.

Punk Outraged After Stranger Actually Accepts Her $1 in Exchange for a Cigarette

Posted on by Sophie Len

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Zoey Thomas is absolutely outraged today after stranger, Daniel Morgan, accepted her $1 in exchange for a single cigarette outside of the local venue Lucky Cats, according to sources.

“Look, I’m a social smoker — I only crave cigarettes when I’m wasted every weekend. I don’t need to buy my own pack, so bumming loosies is good with me,” Thomas said. “I saw some normie-looking dude smoking over by the ATM so I took the dollar out of my pocket and offered to buy a stoge off of him… and he took it from my hand! Who does that? Everyone in this scene knows people just offer to buy it for show, but they’re never actually supposed to take it. What happened to our core values?”

“At the end of the day, it’s just common courtesy,” she added. “Fucking poser.”

Morgan, who accepted the controversial dollar, couldn’t help but disagree with this unwritten rule.

“Put yourself in my shoes, man. Cigarette prices are only going up around here,” Morgan said as he took a drag of his American Spirit Light. “Plus, she was wearing brand new Doc Martens, and even had on a new Mischief Brew tee. Perfectly black, too — not a faded dark grey, and no cracks on the logo or anything. She clearly ordered that shit online. I just knew she could afford the dollar charge.”

“She should have just used the oldest trick in the book and asked for a hit, and then I’d have no choice but to give her the one I was smoking,” he added. “Fucking poser.”

Eyewitness Liz Perez, who was also smoking a cigarette outside, struggled to take sides over the ordeal.

“I honestly understand both viewpoints. I mean, yes, it’s true, you never accept the dollar. It’s just a well-known unspoken rule,” Perez said. “But if you’re feeling stingy, you’re supposed to do the right thing and just lie. You hide your full pack and use the, ‘I’m sorry, this my last one’ line. Everyone knows that. Fucking posers.”

Thomas was outraged again moments ago when an acquaintance who agreed to give her a ride home actually accepted the $3 she offered to pay for gas.

Photo by Stephen Bell.

No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GREAT NECK, N.Y. — Plumber, adventurer, and class of 1985 graduate Mario Mario reportedly confused the majority of his graduating class as he told old acquaintances what he’d been up to in the last several decades, sources have confirmed.

“Man, I was so happy to see Mario Mario,” said Todd Huffman, a classmate of Mario’s who used to help him with his auto shop projects. “I told him about my wife and kid and muffler business, and he started talking about princesses, space travel, and tennis? He was always an eccentric guy, but I thought maybe he’d grown up and got normal. But no, it’s worse now. Also, I think he’s shorter than when he got here. Is that possible?”

Mr. Mario claims that the friction between him and his classmates is merely the latest example of the type of bullying and torment that inspired him to leave his hometown for the Mushroom Kingdom after graduation.

“It’s always-a been like this,” he said. “In-a high school, I tried to join the baseball team and show them my fireball pitch. Before I could, they took-a me, Mario, into the men’s room and stuffed me into a toilet. I have saved the princess and her kingdom countless times, but these-a jerks still think I’m the little weird guy who makes shit up and had a full mustache in the sixth grade. It’s-a no good.”

After repeatedly being told he was clearly lying or exaggerating during several different attempted anecdotes, Mr. Mario left the reunion early. Despite the overwhelming consensus, one former classmate reportedly gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

“People say he’s bullshitting, but I don’t know,” said Glenn Hobbes, Great Neck North High School class of 1985. “Remember that time we stuffed him down into the toilet and he somehow came out at the middle school? What the fuck was that?!”

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Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do you feel that you have enough to prepare you for an unexpekted emergency? Like so many of you, I struggle to survive on my own meager allowance. Meanwhile, the Kong family elite have millions of bananas lying around in a kave beneath their house. How is this fair? Why is it that some of us are labeled “villains” just bekause we want to redistribute these precious banana kommodities? Even if it is seen by some as treasonous, is my firm belief that it is time to rise up and redistribute the banana wealth in this Donkey Kong Country.

The infrastrukture of the DKC is in shambles. How many of our blue kollar workers have to deal with broken mine kart tracks, undependable lights, and burning oil drums on a daily basis? It’s disgraceful to see the working klass struggle while the elite lord over us in their sky-high treehouses, lounging in tire swings and doing one-handed pushups. 

The Kong plutokrats don’t even invest their wealth back into the kommunity. Have you ever seen one of the Kong family pay for an airline ticket, or a speedboat rental, or for the privilege of saving their game? Their unchecked privilege allows them to access these luxuries at no kost while the rest of us struggle to find a single red balloon to help us survive another month. 

Komrades, the time has kome to seize what is rightfully ours. This krumbling banana republik kan stand no more. It’s time to spread our wealth around and use it for projekts that benefit the entire kommunity, like a giant island in the shape of my head that has a laser inside kalled the “Blast-O-Matic.” And even though it will be shaped like my head, it belongs to all of us. And we shall use it to krush these Kong kapitalists once and for all.

Hyenas Storm Pride Rock After Refusing to Accept Scar’s Defeat

Posted on by Stephen Bell

PRIDE ROCK — Dozens of hyenas still loyal to Scar attempted and ultimately failed to retake Pride Rock in a deadly coup following the defeat of Lion Monarch Scar by his nephew Simba, multiple wildlife sources confirmed.

“I don’t care what anyone says, there is no way Scar lost to Simba,” said hyena and Scar supporter Banzai. “You should have seen the rallies that Scar had leading up to this. There was dancing, marching, and lots of eerie green smoke. Plus, this super catchy song about how we should be prepared. I don’t know a single other hyena that supported Simba. Besides, I’m not even sure Simba is eligible to be king because I heard his father Mufasa wasn’t born in Kenya. I bet the fake Gnus media won’t tell you that though.”

Simba, who is expected to be sworn in soon as King, was shocked but not surprised by the hyena attack.

“After being in exile for four years I can only imagine the damage that Scar’s lies must have had on the kingdom,” said an exasperated Simba. “What’s unbelievable to me though is the fact that they’re still supporting Scar even though he is literally dead. And I didn’t even kill him. The other hyenas ripped him to shreds. But now the conspiracy theory around the watering hole is that it was actually a bunch of meerkats in hyena costumes that killed Scar. Unbelievable.”

Among the common animal folk, one antelope shared their ambivalence towards the situation.

“I don’t doubt that Simba is the rightful king of Pride Rock, but I don’t really see a difference between the two monarchs,” said the antelope who asked to stay anonymous. “Both groups exploit us herbivorous animals by hunting us down and feasting on our flesh. It matters very little to me if the name of my butcher is ‘Scar’ or ‘Simba’ or even ‘Mufasa.’ Still, it did start to rain after Simba took over, and correlation does equal causation. Plus, I heard he mostly eats bugs anyway.”

At press time the hyenas were overheard saying they will never refer to King Simba’s wife Nala as “Queen.”

Elon Musk Announces Name of Next Child Will Be Full-On Sudoku

Posted on by Noa Garmaise

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced earlier this week that he will name his next child in the style of a Sudoku, one of his favourite puzzle types among many, confirmed familial sources begging him to reconsider.

“I found inspiration for the name after seeing a Sudoku puzzle in my local newspaper,” Musk explained. “And I thought to myself, ‘Wow! This would be nearly impossible to vocalize,” which is how I knew it was just perfect. Of course, there are challenges that come with giving your kid a name largely expressed by a grid with vacant spaces. I’m currently in the process of deciding which puzzle difficulty level will be the best fit. I, quite obviously, could handle the harder Sudokus, but we can’t all be rocket scientists.”

Despite his enthusiasm, many of Musk’s family members are concerned about the unconventional baby name.

“I wish Elon would just realize that we’re trying to stop him from making a huge mistake,” confessed Musk’s cousin, whose name is a legitimate barcode. “It’s not easy having an uncommon name: I never get to buy those license plate souvenirs, and signing my name can take up to two hours if I don’t have a ruler on my person. I begged him to at least just choose a puzzle like a Word Scramble to choose the name. At least that way there are letters, but, no surprise here, he wouldn’t listen.”

Will Shortz, the New York Times Puzzle Editor, took a more supportive stance on Musk’s decision to ruin his child’s life.

“We’ve never seen anything quite like this in the puzzle industry,” Shortz gushed. “It is a great privilege and an honor that Elon has chosen me to design his child’s name. It’s not something I take lightly. And it’s very exciting that the birth announcement will actually appear in a New York Times puzzle section! Fingers crossed that the baby is born later in the week, so the Sudoku can make the cut for the Sunday Times.”

Of course, Musk has looked into some other names to add to his list. He has already stated that he likes “Emily” if it’s a girl.

Beautiful: This Terminally Ill Man Made a Video for His Unborn Son Describing How He Would Lay His Ass Out if He Ever Fucked up the Car

Posted on by Dan Rice

Imagine being an expecting father only to be told you wouldn’t live long enough to see your first child come into the world. To many, the news would bring crushing despair. To Harold Carson, it was a call to action. The moment he was told about his aggressive stage four lung cancer he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, get the camera. This little bastard is gonna need a reality check.”

Carson has dedicated the remainder of his time on this Earth to making a video for his unborn son, letting him know in graphic detail the exact level of beatdown he would receive for getting “so much as one scratch” on the family car when he’s older.

“I mean it, you little shit. If you had gotten one crack on my windshield when I was alive I would finish the job with your fucking skull and make you pay to fix it. I won’t be there to tell you this in person but I want you to know your dad is crazy and not to be fucked with.”

In perhaps the video’s most touching scene, Carson is crouched down on the lawn with a baseball and catchers-mitt. “Hey son, you like to play catch? Well, you better be keeping the ball away from my goddamn car or I would have straight-up eviscerated you. One ding and it would have been all over. Your mom wouldn’t recognize you when I was done, that’s a promise.”

As per his instructions, Carson’s yet-to-be-named son will be shown a new segment of the video once a year so that he can hear his father describe an age appropriate ass beating for every stage of life.

“Son, you’re 17 now. You’re full of hormones. Probably into MMA or some shit. Bet you think you can take on your old man if he were alive, huh? Well, think again buster brown because if I were alive I’d be eating pieces of shit like you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not to mention a big ole slice of your ass for dessert. I wish to GOD that I were alive and you would give me a fucking reason!”

It may be cruel for a child to have a parent taken from them before they’re even born, but Carson’s message to his son is to be grateful nevertheless.

“You should be thanking this stage four lung cancer because it’s doing what you could never do in a million fuckin years bucko: take out your old man.”

Anyone who’s ever lost somebody too soon will tear up at Carson’s final words to his son.

“You wanna go? Do you want to fucking go with me?! Fine! Go get the Necronomicon out! Consort with the forces of darkness to bring me back and let’s step outside! Just don’t come crying to me when you get your ass handed to you because you best believe zombie-dad has no time for pussies!”

Terrible Real Estate Photographer Moonlights As Amazing Emo Album Cover Photographer

Posted on by John Danek

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Smith & Smith Real Estate property photographer Joshua Abernathy regularly receives workplace criticism for his unhelpful photos of rental units, but praise from the emo world as his works are frequently used as emo album covers.

“Look, I know I’m no Annie Leibovitz, but I think my unique eye sets Smith & Smith’s home listings apart from other agencies on Zillow,” admitted Abernathy, whose works frequently grace albums and EPs on Bandcamp. “My boss hates my style, but my photos are the only ones being purchased for cover art, so I must be doing something right. I got in so much trouble for only taking photos of one unit right before a crew cleaned the graffiti, but that’s The Hotelier’s ‘Home, Like Noplace Is There’ album.”

Lorelai Smith, co-founder and CEO of Smith & Smith, is not happy with Abernathy’s work but is unable to hire a replacement due to the global pandemic.

“Every photo Joshua brings in is at some cockeyed angle, and the building is never directly in the center of the frame. Just take a photo of the front of the fucking house for once,” barked Smith, who has taken to photographing as many high-profile units herself as possible. “I don’t care what these whiny emo revival bands like— he fucking sucks. Unfortunately, every person who shows up to interview for photographer jobs is an emaciated creep with a pencil-thin mustache. So while Josh sucks, he isn’t a perv. But once I find a talented, non-degenerate option, he’s getting shitcanned.”

Meanwhile, emo bands and record labels are clamoring for more and more of Abernathy’s works to use for their promotional efforts.

“We’re currently in talks to get Abernathy on exclusive retainer agreement to shoot all of our upcoming release album covers,” declared Cathy Latinen, co-founder of Count Your Lucky Stars records. “It’s been a tough few years for emo sales in general, but I know that with some exquisitely-cropped awnings, lens flares, and mid-century architecture, we can be back in the game. We’re coming for you, Polyvinyl.”

Abernathy is reportedly also trying to diversify his income streams by selling his collection of breakup voicemails to his emo band clients to use as intro tracks.

Want more legit emo in your life? Go check out washedupemo.com, listen to the podcast, and buy the book. It makes the perfect gift.

Inconsiderate Friend Doesn’t Spoiler Tag That Princess Peach Isn’t Actually in Castle

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SPOKANE, Wash. — Discord user Michael McNeil drew the ire of a Mario fan server after failing to use spoiler tags when revealing that Princess Peach isn’t actually in the castle at the end of World 1 in the original Super Mario Bros.

“We were just casually talking about Mario and I made an offhand joke about the princess being in another castle,” says McNeil. “The whole server went ballistic. Everyone scolded me for dropping a wild spoiler about ‘one of gaming’s most iconic twists.’ I never really considered that a spoiler, but I suppose it’s slim pickings when it comes to Mario games.”

“Rule number one clearly states that users must spoiler tag all pertinent plot details in the Mario series or face permanent ejection from the Mushroom Kingdom,” said one angry reply to the spoiler, referring McNeil to the pinned post in the server’s #rules channel. “Not to mention you’ve also violated the second rule, which just says ‘have fun.’” 

“We have these rules for a reason,” says group admin GoombaNation. “One minute, we’re letting people spoil that Peach isn’t in the first castle. Next thing you know, someone’s freely revealing that she’s not in castle two either. Where does it stop? Castle three? Four? You have to draw the line somewhere or else the whole game will be ruined for everybody.”

“I hate that I can’t look at the server without risking spoilers,” said longtime community member MarioMia who says they have muted the server until things calm down. “I mean, I guess there really isn’t too much I can actually discuss in a Discord about Mario until I actually play the games. But still, it’s just inconsiderate.”

Worried that McNeil has opened the floodgates for similar discussion, the group’s admins reportedly opened up a #spoiler channel on the server. At press time, the channel was filled with fully blacked-out posts discussing how Super Mario Bros. 2 is actually a reskin of Doki Doki Panic and Yoshi is a character in Super Mario World.

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