It’s Time That Porn Stops Selling the Harmful Narrative That I Should Get Along With My Step Dad

Posted on by Gerry Todd

In the United States pornography is bigger that the music industry. At a collective 12 billion dollars per year and growing pornographers have more power than ever before. What the industry needs to realize is that with that power comes great responsibility.

While strides have been in STD screening practices and the overall treatment of talent, one negative aspect of smut has only gotten worse over time. Hey flesh peddlers: Stop trying to convince me that my step dad and I should have an amicable relationship.

Steve is a loser and I don’t respect him. As my real dad and two other guys before him can tell you, marrying my mom is not an accomplishment and sleeping with her even less so. Judging by how stressed out my mom is he’s not even doing it right anyway.

Just once it would be nice to see a porn clip where some hot-to-trot co-ed or hung twink takes their mouth off of their step dad’s cock, looks him dead in the eyes and says “I have no respect for you at all.” I don’t see why you can’t have a scene where someone’s riding their step dad to completion but stops to say “You’re basically a dildo with a beard to me and my Mom is too good for you.”

Propagating the narrative that horny young teens like me should get along with lame-wads like Steve is irresponsible and dangerous. The guy has fuzzy dice on his rear-view unironically. He drinks Bud Ice because it has .5% more alcohol. He probably voted for Trump. You don’t become a doctor or a lawyer by palling around with dudes like Steve.

Maybe if my highest ambition in life was becoming the assistant manager at Ralph’s, Steve and I could find common ground but alas, I have goals in life.

I’ll J him off out of curiosity but that is IT.

Guy in His 30s Decides It’s Finally Time to Start Washing Face at Night

Posted on by Jay Shingle

CONCORD, N.H. — 32-year-old house sitter Ervin Holt discovered the benefits of a nightly face washing routine last week after helping himself to a wide array of never-before-seen cleansing products from a recent job.

“I can’t believe I waited this long to attend to my face at night. I thought it was just a trend before… like wheatgrass, or flossing,” Holt said while applying a pea-sized amount of iS Clinical Cleansing Complex to his cheeks and forehead. “My new routines have completely changed my life, not just my face — I’m making better choices in every facet of my reality. Self-love starts with self-care. I’m pretty sure the Buddha said that. It’s truly amazing.”

However, Holt’s friends were less convinced that his addition of a simple nightly practice is making much change in his other habits, or personality as a whole.

“I mean, his pores look great, but he’s still an asshole,” said close friend and roommate Paulina Rowe. “Now he’s shifted his mansplaining to facial care, which is something I’ve been doing for decades. Also, his room is still a nightmare, and hounding him for rent has gotten even worse because he’s spending all his money on Lotion p50 and hand-carved gua sha tools. On the plus side, the bathroom sink and mirror have never been cleaner, and the shower somehow smells like eucalyptus all the time.”

The homeowners from his most recent sitting gig, Hank and Gregory Espinoza, are happy for Holt’s newfound healthy habit, but did not expect to take such a financial hit from his stay.

“We’re glad we provided him with the keys to discover better self-care, but we calculated that he used about $237 worth of product in our house,” Hank Espinoza said. “He finished our Tatcha Essence, our Kiehl’s Overnight Hydrating Mask, and even our super-pricey Giorgio Armani Prima Oil-in-Gel Foaming Cleanser. Thank God he didn’t find the Vintner’s Daughter shit in my nightstand, or we’d have to take out a second mortgage.”

After finishing the sitting gig, Holt planned to start a YouTube channel surrounding his nightly routine, which he quickly abandoned after forgetting to wash his face once.

Poser Report: It’s Often More Long Term Feasible To Compromise With the Machine

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Sure it’s empowering to act on emotion and rage against the machine, but as you get older, you’ll learn that an idealistic outlook is unsustainable when put into practice. The far more logical approach is to find a middle ground from which to work with the machine.

As John Adams said, “If you are not raging against the machine at 25, you have no heart. If you are not compromising with the machine at 35, you have no brain.”

Take landlords for instance. Go ahead, take them! I kid, I kid. But seriously folks, you may hate your landlord for charging so much but remember that they’re the one who owns the house so it’s on them when something goes wrong. If the heat goes out in January, count your lucky stars that all you have to do is text your landlord, wait until April when they finally fix it, and boom! Problem solved.

Okay, let’s talk cops. We all know they suck when you’re young and they confiscate your weed and skateboards or whatever. But the trick is to work with them. For instance, skateboarding and smoking weed looked like fun so when those kids wouldn’t let me play with them I’d call the cops. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

As adults, the cops are here for our protection, I heard. Even if you disagree with the criminal system itself, don’t fight against it. Work with it to create change from within! I mean, I’m not gonna be a cop. That’s peasant work. But you should!

The list goes on, but I think you get it. Essentially, raging against the machine will generally make things worse in the long term because the machine always wins so it’s pointless to try. Instead, we compromise our side while they continue to be awful but nothing really changes anyway so it all works out!

Oh, and I have rich parents but don’t worry I don’t let that cloud my logic.

Guitar Center Manager Doesn’t Remember Hiring Everclear for In-Store Appearance

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Guitar Center manager Marcella Doyle was taken aback earlier this week when alternative rock band Everclear began signing autographs and selling merchandise in the middle of the store without ever being invited, confused customers confirmed.

“I was in the storeroom when one of my employees asked when I arranged to have Everclear do an in-store appearance and acoustic set. I had no idea what he was talking about — we stopped doing those when COVID hit, and we stopped considering Everclear like, 20 years ago,” Doyle said while cleaning up the mess the band left behind. “Lo-and-behold, I went out onto the floor and there they were, playing ‘Father of Mine’ while sitting on stools I think they brought from home. We’re only allowed to have 10 customers in the store at a time, and I think eight of them left as soon as they saw the band.”

The band, however, distinctly remembers booking the appearance.

“Yeah, we totally set it up with management. We talked to Paul, or Paula, something like that. Wow, that’s weird. We’ll talk to our manager about this. We wouldn’t just show up at a Guitar Center unannounced and start signing autographs, even if that is what the public demands,” said frontman and only original member Art Alexakis after fleeing the store. “It is not my fault that I’m a celebrity and was noticed by some fans. What’s the harm of selling a few ‘Heroin Girl’ shirts and kicking out a stripped-down version of ‘Santa Monica?’ You want a shirt? I got a whole box in my car. $20.”

Music management experts have noticed a trend in surprise fan engagements lately, and are not surprised by what happened.

“With COVID closing down all the state fairs, these musicians are not getting the attention they’ve grown accustomed to,” explained Anne Burgess of Burgess Talent. “You’ve got the Gin Blossoms performing at coffeehouse open mic nights, and Lit ‘accidentally’ showing up to strangers’ weddings with all of their gear. The best thing to do is let them perform their hit, thank them, and send them on their way. They’re harmless, really.”

When reached for an update, Doyle was unable to speak as she was dealing with a “Spin Doctors Situation.”

Kumail Nanjiani Accidentally Crushes Fifth PS5 Controller This Week

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Kumail Nanjiani has accidentally shattered a DualSense controller into a thousand pieces for the fifth time this week, this time while trying to play Spider-Man: Miles Morales on PS5.

“I had Miles standing on top of a skyscraper, admiring how the sunset peeks through the clouds, when some specks of snow started to fall. It was a really soothing moment, so I tapped the Create button to grab a screenshot. Plastic went everywhere,” said Nanjiani, sitting perfectly still to avoid tearing his skin tight polo shirt. “I just want to game. This has been a nightmare.”

In addition to changes in diet and exercise, Nanjiani’s body transformation has reportedly affected his gaming, costing him nearly $15,000 to pay for dozens of controllers per month.

“I’m having to take a ton more roles just to cover the damage,” he said, opening a closet full of replacement controllers, remotes, iPhones, eating utensils, mugs and any other items he might accidentally destroy with his toned, pulsing hands. “Do you have any idea how much it costs to replace the steering wheel on a Tesla? Stuber was a drop in the bucket.”

Despite the toll on Nanjiani’s emotional and financial state, Marvel Studios executive Kevin Feige says that the studio is happy to have him as jacked as possible, no matter the cost.

“We need Kumail to be as absolutely built as humanly possible for The Eternals, whenever that comes out,” Feige explained. “We had to compromise and let Kumail work out his own way, a rigorous routine of Ring Fit Adventure, various fighting games, and shouting matches online in FPSes, but it has obviously been incredibly successful. Esports are sports. People don’t realize the intense physical strength you need to play games like Melee at the top level.”

At press time, Nanjiani had sneezed, ripping his shirt and exposing his chiseled, glistening pecs.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Kart Racer Just Wanted to See If It Would Let Him Go Over There

Posted on by Andy Holt

ROYAL RACEWAY — A kart driver at the Royal Raceway Grand Prix was accused of trespassing on the grounds of Princess Peach’s Castle this morning, despite claims that he was “just trying to see if it would let me go all the way over there.”

“I was coming up on the end of the race and there was no way I was getting the win, so I figured I’d check out the castle for a minute,” said Donkey Kong, a longtime heavyweight on the circuit. “Turns out you can go over there. Pretty cool.”

Kong veered off the course at full speed, blasting through the manicured lawn and onto the bridge, before slamming into the front doors of the castle. He ultimately found it underwhelming.

“It looks like shit and there’s nothing to do,” said Kong, who eventually just drove into the moat so Lakitu would come get him. “Mario and Toad are always going on and on about the cool adventures they have at the castle, but I’m starting to wonder if they’re lying.”

Track manager Lakitu complained that Kong was far from the first to pull the stunt.

“No matter how many times I dangle a REVERSE sign in front of them, drivers are always going over there,” he said, pulling Kong out of the moat and ferrying him back to the track, where he immediately started driving back to the castle. “Ugh, come on. If you like the castle so much, just get the other game! It’s on the Switch now.”

At press time, Lakitu had to go pick up Wario, who had driven off the edge of the course in Frappe Snowland, thereby resetting the lap counter and jumping into first.

“Cheaters, every one of them,” said Lakitu. “I hate this job.”

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Man Who Stormed Senate Already Back to Yelling at Skateboarders in Walmart Parking Lot

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GEORGETOWN, Del. — Local man Ben Hartsock resumed his normal business of yelling at skateboarders for trespassing in a parking lot less than 24 hours after breaking into the Capitol Building in support of Donald Trump, multiple sources confirmed.

“These fucking scumbags piss me right the heck off. This is private property. Hello! Can they not read the ‘No Skateboarding’ signs posted all around this place? Where the hell is security anyway? They better get out here before these punks get a boot up their asses,” said Hartsock in between swigs of beer from a can he hid under papers stolen from Joe Manchin’s office. “What chaps my hide the most is the lack of respect for everyone else. They come whizzing by at like 400 miles per hour, someone could get hurt or worse — they could hit my truck with one of those things and I’d have every right to protect my property and you better believe I’d use force.”

One of the skateboarders skating in the back corner of the parking lot says he paid little attention to Hartsock’s rambling.

“Every week this guy speeds through the parking lot at like 40 miles per hour trying to scare us, then screams like he owns the place and pretends like he’s calling the cops. We just ignore him and keep skating. Usually after an hour or so he gets tired and leaves,” said local 14-year-old Devon Long. “When he yells at us he turns bright red and says our parents should be embarrassed to have such shitty kids. It’s kind of sad because he seems pretty lonely, I think this is the only human interaction he gets each week.”

At press time, Hartsock was posting on Parlor that he believes he single-handedly took down a meeting of Antifa super soldiers handing out free meals on public property.

We Revisited “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” Because We’re in an Uber in Florida

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Some albums are so transcendent and groundbreaking that they cannot be appreciated until decades after their release. Is Limp Bizkit’s “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” one of those seminal works of art? Fuck no! But I’m in an Uber in Florida so this is my life now.

In retrospect, I overlooked some major red flags about this ride. It wasn’t until a dented 1996 Ford Taurus rolled up blaring “My Generation” that I realized I hadn’t looked very carefully at the driver I’d been matched with. Reopening the app, I found myself asking some very concerning questions. Does this guy actually spell his name “Gjeff?” How can his Uber rating possibly be a 1.9? And why is his profile picture just the poster for the movie “Freddy vs. Jason?”

But seriously though…”Gjeff?” Dude, what the fuck?

Eh. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Or, in my case, the Orlandonians. And apparently, the thing to do in Orlando is listen to nu-metal albums all the way through without even skipping the goddamn skits. But if listening to Fred Durst hand out life lessons such as, “Hey kid, take my advice/You don’t want to step into a big pile of shit” gives Gjeff the strength he needs to deal with Florida drivers, then more power to him. Most of the cars here look like rejected designs from “Pimp My Ride” and we just got passed by a woman that looked like Guy Fieri doing 120 on a Ducati.

Much like Gjeff’s collection of bumper stickers, “Chocolate Starfish” offers a little of everything. Looking for a song that uses the word “fuck” 46 times? Give “Hot Dog” a spin. Curious what it would sound like if a Papa Roach cover band wrote the “Mission: Impossible” theme song? It’s called “Take a Look Around” and it’s track 10. Yearning for a 10-minute outro featuring recorded voicemail messages from Ben Stiller, Stephan Jenkins, and Mark Wahlberg? That’s on here, too if you’re into that sort of thing you sick fuck. Get help.

Although I never asked to revisit an album named after a butt hole and the world’s worst LaCroix flavor, I actually have a newfound begrudging appreciation for “Chocolate Starfish.” Like my man Gjeff, I give it 5 stars and pray to God I’ll never encounter it again once I get the hell out of Florida.

Now if he’d been bumping “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all” front to back I’d still be in that Uber right now screaming “Counterfeit!” with my new best friend, Gjeff.

Recently Vaccinated Man Can’t Wait to Never Wash His Hands Again

Posted on by Ted Pillow

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dave Landers received the COVID-19 vaccine on Thursday and is now looking forward to never, ever washing his hands again, according to concerned and extremely grossed-out sources.

“2020 was the worst year ever!” Landers claimed while eating Doritos and rubbing his orange-coated hands onto his pants. “All of this handwashing crap was driving me crazy. My hands got so dry at one point that I was like, ‘This can’t be worse than the disease.’ Did you know you’re supposed to do it before and after you eat? Anyway, thank God I got the vaccine and now I can finally get on with my life. Starting today, I’m going back to my old system of only ever washing my hands if my finger breaks through the toilet paper when I’m taking a shit.”

Landers’ unsanitary plan doesn’t surprise Sai Varma, his roommate.

“Dave isn’t exactly known for his sterling hygiene,” Varma noted while running around their apartment sanitizing door knobs and other high-contact surfaces. “I keep telling him that you can like punk and metal music and still own shampoo, but it’s never really clicked. When the pandemic started, I had to show him how to wash his hands the way you would teach a child. I thought it would help him do it for the proper amount of time if he hummed a song while he soaped and scrubbed, but he got around that pretty easily by choosing ‘You Suffer’ by Napalm Death.”

Epidemiologists have advised people to continue following hygienic best practices even after receiving a vaccination.

“Are you kidding? People should absolutely continue washing their hands after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine,” stated Dr. Katie Lin, a professor of epidemiology at New York University. “First of all, that’s just disgusting. And we don’t know enough about how individuals who receive the vaccine might continue to spread the virus. While I’m at it, I’d like to clear up a few other rumors I’ve heard from the punk community: getting the vaccine doesn’t mean you can stop flossing, clipping your toenails, or paying rent. Don’t shoot the messenger!”

Landers was last seen bottle-feeding his pet bat before heading to his job as a Subway sandwich artist.