Opinion: John Lydon a Bit of the Ol’ Poshy Bitty Bollards Then, Innit?

Posted on by Dicky Stock

Welly welly well I’ve just come from Tussy the butcher with a bindle. Nearly ways a stone when coupled with the parcel of figs and porridge under thy wing. Pitched flame to roast the breast to make a nicey toasty of ox and rye with boiled malt. Bellows and howls from the buds on me tonguey when met with the buttery flesh and figs upon removal from its parchment. Poached tomatoes and assorted dinner creams to pair. Then came a bother….

Whilst thereafter, Johnny Lydon then, or is it rotty boy? Rotten “John Rotten”… Johnny then? Innit? Does Rotty ponder he’s the Duke of Seekonk? Perhaps the Duchess of Peppercorn then? Innit? Wrongy-wrongy wrong-wrong. A gulliver in the morning’s a gulliver in this after then, guv.

Does mumsy pay a pence for the fiddle or a quid for a tune? Are thee to become serfs to the lord of County Cork? Sheriff John Lydon of Knottingham then? Bollards and Bollacks the aforesaid.

A real chap would goff at the peeping of such a crest. “Make America Great Again” on his topper? Scuttle me to a pub and put it on Rotty boy’s tab! Oh what delight! A plate of crisps, an assortment of biscuits and one bitter scowl that says “‘ello mumsy, run me a bath, thy would like to take a tubby then this after. Innit?”

That, young fellows, is a bother and display of folly to be John Lydon

As it were, I was there to spend a couple quid on breakfast creams.

In England, a Parker Posey is a chap who parks petrol automotive carriages in ye olde lot when dining at cuisine boroughs and moshy inns.

Broke Punk Can Only Afford to Tattoo Three Out of Four Black Flag Bars

Posted on by Zac Lux

TAMPA, Fla. — Local punk Toni “Skwerm” Malloy was disappointed to find out yesterday that she only budgeted enough for 75% of the bars in her coveted first Black Flag tattoo, disappointed friends confirmed.

“I needed to get it done before people started thinking I was some sort of poser,” said the Florida native while picking the scabs off the discolored tattoo from an unlicensed shop. “I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror another day if I didn’t get this tattoo, but unfortunately the $17 and case of beer I set aside to pay for the damn thing just wasn’t enough for all four bars. I had to invest in some long sleeve shirts to cover this up until it’s finished, but that just put me further in the hole financially. I’m hoping by next December I’ll be able to complete it and show this thing off with pride.”

Friends of Malloy believe the tattoo was ill-advised from the start.

“I tried to talk her out of it. I tried so hard,” said longtime roommate Ellen Corbett. “She never pays for any of the utilities, eats all the food in the house without ever replacing it, and has been late on rent 37 months in a row, but she wouldn’t be deterred. Now the fact that she has to go back for a second fucking sitting makes my life a whole lot worse. My only hope is convincing her that the three bars are way cooler because it’s like the Adidas logo or something. I’m fucked.”

Veteran tattoo artist Brian “Big T” Tretowski admitted he sees this lack of preparation all the time.

“You’d be surprised by how many people only get partially done band logos,” said Big T. “I’ve done just the hat and martini of the Social Distortion logo, I’ve done only the cross from the Bad Religion logo, and there’ve been multiple times where I haven’t been able to finish up the shading on a Jane Doe tattoo, so it sort of just looks like Christina Ricci.”

At press time, Malloy was being rushed to a local hospital after a botched nipple piercing only made it three quarters of the way through.

Heartwarming: This Cop and MAGA Supporter Finally Met After Years of Playing Xbox Live Together

Posted on by Luke Woodward

WASHINGTON — A touching tale unfolded this afternoon during the “Stop The Steal” rally as a local police officer and a MAGA supporter united after years of playing video games together over Xbox Live.

“When I joined a Halo 2 lobby in 2005, I never knew I was about to meet a lifelong friend,” explained D.C. Metro Police Officer Alan Spurring. “When I heard him dropping racial slurs and homophobic comments after someone got the rocket launcher before he did, I knew this was my kinda guy. I sent him a friend request and we never looked back.”

Spurring, a.k.a. ProfessionalPunisher on Xbox Live, continued to play various murder-related games with Steve Chandle, who goes by TRUMPTRAIN2012, and assumed that their friendship would remain virtual. But when Chandle posted an 11 minute rant from his truck detailing his plans to “fuck the everloving fuck out of Sleepy Joe Biden and Nancy Pe-Lie-Si in D.C. on the 6th,” the stars seemingly aligned.

“Alan told me he was scheduled to guard the Capitol Building and I was beyond thrilled. Good patriots came from across the country to restore the decency and honor of the electoral process, and we accomplished that with the help of standup officers like my buddy Punisher,” Chandle said after we politely asked him to drop down from the Senate balcony railing.

“He mentioned he wouldn’t be wearing riot gear or doing virtually anything to stop the chaos, so it was difficult to spot him with all the other officers, but once I saw his Blue Lives Matter flag Punisher skull, I knew it was him.”

The two embraced and took selfies of their meeting, using #freedomfriendsforever, before Spurring and other officers took protestors on an all access tour of the Capitol Building.

“Alan showed me the senate floor where the demoCRAPS are stealing the election from our glorious Forever-President Donald Trump, and got me into Nancy’s office so I could take a steamer on her desk! I had to squeeze extremely hard since my diet is nothing but meat, and I popped a blood vessel in my eye but it was worth it.”

At press time, Metro Police remembered they were supposed to be pretending to be against facism and deployed tear gas grenades against the armed terrorists.

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MAGA Protesters Set Police to Easy Mode

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Protesters have stormed the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. after setting the local police to “easy mode.”

“We saw how the police handled Black Lives Matter protests and we were like whoa, that’s not for us. Let’s just go through this shit on easy mode,” said proud boy Stephen Smith, waving a Confederate flag through the halls of the Senate. “At the end of the day, it’s about advancing through the levels, right? People are so hard on us just because instead of getting our heads cracked by cops, we want to be able to just kinda push them over and walk into the government buildings with loaded weapons. I mean, they give you the choice at the beginning, right? Do other people not get a choice?”

“Ultimately, it’s about accessibility,” Smith continued, lighting fire, for some reason, to a portrait of President James K. Polk. “But so much for the tolerant left, I guess.”

According to those familiar with the situation, local police were happy with the decision.

“Honestly, tear gassing can really get really tiring. I’m just happy to have a light day at work,” said police officer Jordan Smith. “Besides, you know, I’m not gonna go all try-hard on my buddies. You gotta leave that MLG shit for when you’re battling it out with actual enemies — people fighting to take away our military-grade weapons. And you know, people always give cops shit for turning off our body cams right before a crucial moment, but I’ve had my camera on all day. Because when this shit is over, I wanna turn all the footage of my brother Stephen into an absolutely sick montage video.”

At press time, MAGA protesters accidentally activated a feature that made confetti burst every time they punched a Congressperson after finding a skull in one of the Capitol’s meeting rooms.

Tour Guide Needs Everyone to Quiet Down Before Explaining Significance of How Many Stairs Lead Into Capitol Building

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — DC-based tour guide Christopher Hollis is currently attempting to quell an insurrection at the Capitol Building in order to provide interesting details about the symbolic significance in the architecture of the structure, screaming Trump supporters confirmed.

“I just need everyone to quiet down for a moment and turn their attention to the stairs everyone is currently standing on. Please focus on me now people, thank you,” said Hollis, as potentially armed militia members stormed past him. “I know we’re all excited to be here, this is quite a magnificent structure. Did you know the building has 658 windows? If you look up to the second floor you can see some of the Senators donning their escape hoods before making their break through secret tunnels in the basement. Please hold all questions until the end.”

Trump supporters who are upset by election results largely ignored Hollis.

“Stop the steal you fucking Marxists,” screamed one anonymous Trump supporter wearing a Confederate flag sweatshirt. “All we want is a free and fair election that bends exactly to our will, and anything beyond that is treason. We will not rest until Trump is elected as a life-long dictator and may he rule for 1,000 years. Wake up.”

Hollis admits that it may have been a bad idea to use a large American flag to signal to members of his tour group that they would be moving on to the next landmark.

FDA Orders Hot Pockets to Remove “Enjoy” from Final Step of Heating Instructions

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration today formally ordered the Hot Pockets brand of microwavable frozen sandwiches to remove the word “enjoy” from their heating instructions, as part of an ongoing effort to prevent processed food manufacturers from setting unrealistic expectations for their products.

“This afternoon, we sent a cease and desist letter to Nestlé USA, requiring them to immediately alter their packaging to reflect the true nature of a fully-heated Hot Pocket sandwich — that being merely edible, but most certainly not enjoyable,” said Allison Murray, deputy press secretary for the FDA. “We’re also requiring the removal of the ludicrous suggestion to consume the Hot Pocket with a side of fruit or vegetables, which is frankly rather insulting to their customers who clearly have neither in their homes. I mean — off the record — come the fuck on.”

Nestlé USA Vice-President for Microwavable Frozen Food Products, Liam Keller, said the Hot Pocket brand will comply with the FDA’s order.

“Yeah, the jig is up,” Keller said. “Frankly, we knew this day was coming for a long time. We’ve got the re-brand campaign in our back pocket ready to go. It’s fantastic and speaks right to our demographic: ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic is the new face of Hot Pockets, singing a ‘hot pocketed’ version of his hit ‘Eat It’ called ‘Heat It.’ We’re expecting it will really turn things around for us… or at least distract everyone from this PR nightmare for a few months.”

Hot Pockets consumer Bryan Ramirez shrugged off the drama, saying it wouldn’t affect his buying habits.

“I like ‘em just fine,” Ramirez said of the frozen, sodium-laden sandwiches. “Sure, I know they get a bad rap, and I laughed my ass off at that [Jim] Gaffigan bit, but Hot Pockets have been my go-to lunch since college. But I guess I wouldn’t say I’ve ‘enjoyed’ them, now that you mention it. Once I found a vein in one of the meatball parm ones. I almost couldn’t finish that one.”

In a separate announcement, the FDA stated that it wouldn’t take any action on Hot Pockets’ “Big & Bold” product line, noting that they found the crusts of the 50% larger sandwiches to be sufficiently flavor-blasted.

Shy Metalhead Building Up Courage to Ask Cute Girl If She Can Name Every Member of Bathory

Posted on by Noah Leavy

ATHENS, Ga. — Bashful metal enthusiast Ross Bromberg attempted to muster up the strength yesterday to speak with a woman he believed to be both incredibly beautiful and also a gigantic poser, witnesses confirmed.

“Alright, first of all, this wasn’t about gender,” explained an exasperated Bromberg, while memorizing the liner notes on every Mayhem album. “It’s about waiting in line at the only halfway decent coffee place in town and clocking a fantastic Bathory T-shirt draped over a supple figure, and immediately sensing chicanery. My plan was to get in there fast, confirm she doesn’t know a single member besides Quorthon, and educate her on the history of the lineup, thus causing her to fall madly in love with me.”

“First you challenge them, then you correct them, and then they become putty in your hands,” he added. “If I’m lucky, I’ll get out before I notice the shape of her breasts and get scared of her femininity.”

The woman in question, Rachel Lynch, confirmed she gets bothered by weird dudes every time she wears a band shirt in public.

“I didn’t even realize I made the mistake of putting on my Bathory shirt when I left the house — this thing is a magnet for guys to challenge my metal knowledge,” said Lynch while covering her shirt with a bulky jacket for her walk home. “I could be pinned under a truck tire about to die, and some weird guy would accost me about my shirt before bothering to help. I swear, anytime someone I find even remotely attractive tries to talk to me they end up making me name three Venom songs, and deep cuts, too.”

Dating expert Leigh Jennings helps male metalheads make connections with women, and empathized with Lynch.

“Many of my clients become self-conscious when speaking with a member of the opposite sex and their ‘flight or fight’ response kicks in. In this situation, they either flee — which sometimes means they just headbang until the girl walks away — or they want to fight the woman about her dedication to metal,” Jennings said. “This goes all the way back to prehistoric times, when men were required to hunt and gather obscure metal bands to compete with other males.”

In related news, Bromberg struggled this morning to find the strength to leave a bad review on the Yelp page of a record store at which he was too nervous to apply for a job.

How To Separate the Art From the Artist’s Annoying Social Media Presence

Posted on by Meg Indurti

We’ve all been there. You’re jamming along to a new track. The beat? Incredible. The lyrics? Insightful. The message? Well, they’re singing about a trampoline but whatever you can work out to it. Naturally, you’re overcome with a burning desire to look up more about the artist. So you naively venture onto their Instagram account and in comes the horrible realization that your fave is a cringy dumpster-fire of stupid.

Before you delete Spotify or Apple Music (but not Tidal, of course, since annoying social media presence seems to be the selling point over there), here’s how to separate the art from the artist’s annoying social media presence:

Consume the Tragedy Porn – We know some of you may not be into TP. Personally, we slow down when we see a car accident because it’s a rare opportunity to see something more mangled than our sense of self. So indulge! Load up every problematic tweet, look at the comments praising every virtue-signaling post, scroll through the self-centered, blithe nonsense masquerading as intelligence and compassion. Keep your friends close. Keep your favorite band closer.

Delete Their Music; Vow To Never Listen To Them – If you reach far enough in your doom scroll, your eyes will roll so far back in your head, you’ll need to defend a streak at Wrestlemania. Instead, go cold turkey. Delete them from your rotation. There are plenty of other artists just as talented with far more tasteful face tattoos.

Realize we live in a society – Uh-oh! Turns out every artist sucks. They’re either rich snobs or they tweeted something homophobic or they’re friends with a war criminal. Lana Del Rey? White savior complex. Doja Cat? Registered forum member.

Maybe it’s best to simply enjoy the art that makes us happy without needing to know the intimate details of the lives of those who made it. Once you realize all celebrities are capitalist shrills managed by multi-millionaires to be a profitable brand that conforms to trends, you’ll never look to them for their politics or personal views ever again!

Skee-Lo Knows Exactly Which Three Wishes to Ask During Unexpected Genie Encounter

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — ‘90s hip hop phenomenon Antoine Roundtree, known professionally as Skee-Lo, knew with confidence exactly which three wishes to solicit during a chance encounter yesterday with a local genie, astonished witnesses reported.

“I’ve been preparing for this moment for decades,” said Skee-Lo before calling for the very first time the brand new “girl who looked good” he’d wished for. “Luckily, I had all my bases covered, and already prioritized my top three wishes back in the mid-90s after getting inspired to do so while seeing the genie in Disney’s ‘Aladdin’ all by myself in theater. Anyway, my friends and family are going to flip out when they see me a little bit taller. Can’t believe I’m like six-foot-nine now!”

The 10,000 year-old genie was floored to find someone so well-prepared for the occasion.

“As an immortal supernatural entity who’s been granting wishes for centuries, I’ve never in my existence seen anyone rattle off three wishes as fast as Skee-Lo,” said genie Djustin the Great, while wiping down the countless smudges on his golden lamp and living accommodations. “Almost 100% of the time a participant will just immediately ask for more wishes, which then catapults me into an exhaustive loop where I must keep granting their requests until they realize I am not the answer to their problems and more wishes will never relieve the pain of their existential prison. So it was refreshing to come across someone like Skee-Lo, who didn’t take advantage of the glaring loophole in my wish-granting system. What a guy.”

Experts have continually stressed the importance of identifying personal aspirations.

“You should always set small, reachable goals for yourself,” said life coach Gladys Florencia. “However, you want to avoid vague, or frankly, unattainable wishes, like ‘get good at basketball’ or ‘buy a house.’ And always be careful when wishing for superficial things — sure, today you want a ‘64 Impala, but think about the maintenance costs, lousy gas mileage, and the fact that you’d still probably be equally as miserable with a Prius anyway.”

At press time, Skee-Lo was granted the remainder of the wishes from his list after coincidentally stumbling upon a generous wishing well while holding a pocket full of loose change.

Albert Wesker Controversially Among First to Receive T-Virus Vaccine

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

RACCOON CITY — Albert Wesker, a former commanding officer of the highly decorated Alpha Team of the STARS division of the RCPD, has angered many for being among the first to receive the vaccine to the wildly infectious biological agent known as the T-Virus that has ravaged the city this year.

“This doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Chris Redfield, a fellow STARS agent that has repeatedly worked alongside Wesker in the line of duty. “As if it wasn’t bad enough he’s spent all year denying the seriousness of the T-Virus outbreak, he actually led my old team out to a mansion to be picked apart by the original test recipients of the thing. For him to be vaccinated before so many others is an insult to every essential worker in Racoon City, not to mention my squadmates that were devoured by his mutant dogs.” 

Wesker defended his actions earlier today, claiming it was important to show the public that both he and the vaccine are to be trusted wholeheartedly.

“This vaccine, which my employers the Umbrella Corporation rushed to market in record time, has been designed with the people’s best interests in mind,” said Wesker, who has developed a reputation in the media for repeatedly backstabbing, betraying, and generally causing the mutation of most of his previous allies. “That is why later tonight I will receive the first dose of the vaccine on the roof of the Umbrella Corporation’s headquarters, just in case it makes me get all huge and weird.”

Despite the public relations efforts of both Wesker and the Umbrella corporation, many were still very critical of Wesker’s impending vaccination.

“Why should Wesker, a retired cop that works for a shady corporation now, receive the vaccine when many of us have been subsisting on a few red herbs that were mailed to us nine months ago,” said Monica Barr, a Racoon City chef that was recently furloughed. ”The monsters at Umbrella that are making profits and spreading misinformation are the absolute last people in the world that should receive the vaccine. Well, maybe last after Lindsay Graham. Fuck that guy.” 

As of press time, this story has gotten too fucking complicated to even keep track of. We think Wesker died or something, but he’s probably going to come back.

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