WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration today formally ordered the Hot Pockets brand of microwavable frozen sandwiches to remove the word “enjoy” from their heating instructions, as part of an ongoing effort to prevent processed food manufacturers from setting unrealistic expectations for their products.
“This afternoon, we sent a cease and desist letter to Nestlé USA, requiring them to immediately alter their packaging to reflect the true nature of a fully-heated Hot Pocket sandwich — that being merely edible, but most certainly not enjoyable,” said Allison Murray, deputy press secretary for the FDA. “We’re also requiring the removal of the ludicrous suggestion to consume the Hot Pocket with a side of fruit or vegetables, which is frankly rather insulting to their customers who clearly have neither in their homes. I mean — off the record — come the fuck on.”
Nestlé USA Vice-President for Microwavable Frozen Food Products, Liam Keller, said the Hot Pocket brand will comply with the FDA’s order.
“Yeah, the jig is up,” Keller said. “Frankly, we knew this day was coming for a long time. We’ve got the re-brand campaign in our back pocket ready to go. It’s fantastic and speaks right to our demographic: ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic is the new face of Hot Pockets, singing a ‘hot pocketed’ version of his hit ‘Eat It’ called ‘Heat It.’ We’re expecting it will really turn things around for us… or at least distract everyone from this PR nightmare for a few months.”
Hot Pockets consumer Bryan Ramirez shrugged off the drama, saying it wouldn’t affect his buying habits.
“I like ‘em just fine,” Ramirez said of the frozen, sodium-laden sandwiches. “Sure, I know they get a bad rap, and I laughed my ass off at that [Jim] Gaffigan bit, but Hot Pockets have been my go-to lunch since college. But I guess I wouldn’t say I’ve ‘enjoyed’ them, now that you mention it. Once I found a vein in one of the meatball parm ones. I almost couldn’t finish that one.”
In a separate announcement, the FDA stated that it wouldn’t take any action on Hot Pockets’ “Big & Bold” product line, noting that they found the crusts of the 50% larger sandwiches to be sufficiently flavor-blasted.