Whistleblower in Hiding After Revealing Cap’n Crunch ‘Oops! All Berries’ Was Planned From the Start

Posted on by Christoph von Munchow

HAVANA — An anonymous whistleblower is now in hiding after leaking classified information to the public, revealing that the “Oops! All Berries” variation of Cap’n Crunch was not an accident at all and was in fact planned from the start.

“Ever since I released the information to the public, it’s been nothing but high-tailing across the Seven Seas for me,” the whistleblower revealed.

Unprotected by the Whistleblower Protection Act and maritime laws, the leaker confirmed that the past few weeks had been tumultuous and unpredictable ever since they shed light on the deliberate and controlled All-Berries fiasco at a Quaker Oaks mill in 1997.

“There be nothing accidental about what happened that day. Do not be fooled by the false marketing tactics of Quaker Oaks Company,” said the source, who took extreme measures to conceal their identity, including a VPN and voice masking software. “Bunch o’ liars and thieves.”

When asked about why the decision was made to disclose the classified information to the public, the whistleblower cited the guilt they had wrestled with over the past twenty years.

“They picked a fall guy and fired ‘em for that blunder. I just couldn’t live with the shame anymore. Children and crewmates all across the country look up to the Cap’n to get crunchitized each mornin’. I just couldn’t sit there like a lame duck on open waters knowin’ some shipmate had to walk the plank against his will.”

At press time, the whistleblower stated their intention to sail to the Cook Islands and uncover the lost Cinnamon Roll Crunch cereal, in an attempt to restore their legacy.

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We Caught up With the Guy Who Grabbed My Bag and Ran Away

Posted on by Zach Raffio

The Hard Times recently caught up with the hooded young man who ran up behind me and grabbed my Jansport backpack in a crowded outlet mall before running away. We gave chase, and we got the scoop, baby!

Our first question was: “Hey man, are you fucking kidding me?” to which this man, who we later realized was also wearing a Jason Voorhees mask, responded by punching me in the stomach real hard. Like, “knock the wind out of you” hard.

He ran away again, but we picked up the pace and managed to get the real scoop.

As we approached him getting into the backseat of a 2009 Honda Accord with other masked men in the driver and passenger seats, we of course had to ask: “Hey what’s your problem?”

At this point, we managed to get an exclusive statement from the man’s two accomplices, and by “statement”, I mean they both got out of the car and kicked me a bunch until I fell to the ground, and then they kicked me way more. It’s clear we had to find a new strategy.

As they drove away, I slowly rose to my feet and managed to interview a young woman passing by to get an outside perspective on the scene that unfolded.

“Hey did you get their license plate?” I asked, to no response. It was time to branch out for a wider perspective.

“Can you please help me? I’m in so much pain,” I communicated to a number of passing folks. They all refused to comment, or at the very least, to let me use their phone to call an ambulance since mine was in the backpack. However, The Hard Times has obtained video footage of the attack, posted to Twitter from an account named “AsssKickings69XD”. The video has been retweeted 453 times.

Stay tuned for more updates as my bruises and internal bleeding heal.

American Chess Magazine Releases Their List of the Top 1 Shows of 2020

Posted on by Thomas Frances

AUSTIN, Texas — For the first time in history, American Chess Magazine will release a list of their Top 1 TV Shows of 2020, leaving chess and TV fans alike with bated breath.

“The whole office is buzzing with excitement as to which TV show we’ll choose,” said editor-in-chief David Lidal. “We’re quite calculated in everything we do, so it took the other editors and I 13 minutes and 9 seconds to choose our favorite show from the past year. It wasn’t easy, but one show in particular stood out to us. Dying to know what we picked? Well, you’ll have to grab our latest issue.”

The only people more excited than the staff of American Chess Magazine are their subscribers.

“ACM loves giving recommendations — like, where to put a knight or a pawn. Sometimes they recommend where to put a bishop or a rook; hell, even a queen. It’s wild. But a TV show to watch? I have no idea what they’re going to select,” reported Michelle Falls, an amateur chess player. “Personally, I thought ‘Queen’s Gambit’ was pretty good, but there’s probably dozens of other shows from this past year that center around the amazingly popular game of chess, I assume. Plus, the writers at American Chess Magazine always surprise me. They’re like the rebels of chess, always telling readers to put pawns in new places you’d never think. I wish I could be that bad ass.”

While subscribers may not know which TV show the magazine will choose, TV critics aren’t fooled.

“Oh come on. It’s ‘The Queen’s Gambit,’ you idiots,” shouted TV critic Mort McFeeley from a comfortable recliner. “This happens everytime a TV show comes out about a niche subject. We saw it when Missouri Magazine named ‘Ozark’ the top show of the year, or Speed & Crank Quarterly called ‘Breaking Bad’ the greatest show of all time. Leave the rankings to the real critics, like me, Mort.”

At press time, American Chess Magazine has allegedly lost half its subscribers — over 75 people — after revealing their top show of 2020 was inexplicably “Love is Blind.”

How I Learned I’m Into Edging Thanks To a Horribly Timed FaceTime Call From My Mother

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

I was having a typical Saturday evening home. Turned down the lights, locked the doors, put on the newest Sean Cody video, was ready to just have a good winding down the day wank. I had gradually shifted from your typical frat boy bareback fuckfest to something more water sport oriented and was just about to reach climax, when I received a Facetime call from my mother.

I was nearly there! Why did she have to call me at that exact moment? Not wanting to arouse any suspicion, I just let the call ring out and go to voicemail, but the damage had been done. How was I supposed to enjoy naughty twinks being taught a lesson with the thought that my mother was thinking about me at that exact moment? I felt like a naughty twink who needed to be taught a lesson.

Crestfallen, I stopped masturbating. Little did I know, all was far from lost.

Of course it wasn’t long before I was back at it! The evening’s earlier awkwardness had passed and I had discovered something called JOI. There I was cranking away at the instruction of my “gym coach” until I reached the moment of climax when suddenly I had the strangest impulse to just, stop?

I had never done this before, but it was quite enjoyable, and easy with the image of my mothers face still fresh in my mind. This became a recurring thing for me. I’d keep getting there, allow my mothers judgemental glare to enter my mind’s eye, and stop. I decided to try and research this phenomenon, incognito of course.

Well, much to my surprise, not only was there a name for this edging, but there was also an entire community who was into that! To think, I initially thought this was some sort of weird Freudian thing that had forever inhibited my ability to achieve orgasm due to an ill timed call only to discover that my mother’s own emotional withdrawn behavior is why I enjoy delaying climax.

I can’t wait to tell my furry group about my discovery.

Engineer Removes Vocal Track So She Can Properly Enjoy Smashing Pumpkins Song

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CHICAGO — Local sound engineer Carrie Hotstone extracted the vocal track from a Smashing Pumpkins song today in order to properly enjoy the band’s music, sources who didn’t even know they wanted that version until they got it reported.

“Several of my friends have already asked me for a digital copy of the track,” said Hotstone while diligently Photoshopping Billy Corgan out of a band picture. “I’ve always been such a huge fan of the first 30 seconds of Smashing Pumpkins songs, just before those whiny, nasally, woodland creature-like shrieks cause me to wince and play literally anything else. You just have no idea what it’s like to finally be able to enjoy their music without your eye twitching from the discomfort your brain goes through trying to process and decode whatever the fuck ‘the world is a vampire’ lyrics are supposed to mean.”

Butch Vig, producer for the band’s “Siamese Dream” album, explained the group’s method.

“Evidently, the harsh vocal track is deliberate and essential to the Smashing Pumpkins listening experience,” said Vig, while dropping several hints that he would rather talk about a Nirvana album he once produced. “According to the band, their music is too ethereally rich and sonically perfect otherwise, so they intentionally let Billy Corgan sing as a way to test their fans and weed out the ‘fake’ ones. It’s an odd way to conduct your band, but makes sense when you consider Billy’s bizarre validation needs.”

Experts have long documented the sometimes incompatible nature of a band’s music and their style of vocals.

“An unpleasant voice can absolutely ruin an entire band for listeners despite the music itself slapping,” said music critic Leslie Chambers. “But a terrible vocalist can still force their way to the front of a band just to satisfy their ego and get that sweet lead singer credit. This is exactly why the conscientious band Explosions in the Sky opted not to use a singer at all. It’s like they did their fans a favor by not asking them to actively tune out an unnecessary vocal track. Totally revolutionary.”

After extracting the vocal track from every song in the Smashing Pumpkins discography, Hotstone turned her focus to removing Bob Dylan’s voice from his own music.

Photo by Christian Córdova.

Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

GARREG MACH — Officers Academy professor Byleth expressed frustration today at the continued restrictions on in-person instruction for their Wyvern Riding class. 

“I completely understand the need to slow the spread of COVID-19 across the continent, but it’s extremely difficult to keep 20 teenagers engaged in taming giant dragons over Zoom,” Professor Byleth said from their makeshift home office in their first floor dormitory room. “Many of our students are falling behind, several levels below the school’s benchmarks. At this rate, we won’t have any Wyvern Lord promotions until the Horsebow Moon at the earliest.”

Church of Seiros Archbishop Rhea was sympathetic when asked about the instructor’s concerns.

“This is a difficult time for us all. Obviously we want our students back at the Monastery for live instruction as soon as possible,” the Archbishop said while she stood alone in the middle of a cathedral all day. “This is why we need a religious exemption permitting the Church to continue normal operations. It’s religious discrimination not to let us hold services to exalt The Goddess and help Fódlan’s children discover the joy of providing air support to ground based units using their increased mobility across difficult terrain like Wasteland or Pond.”

Professor Byleth remained skeptical after months of remote learning with no end in sight. 

“These unprecedented times have really exposed the inequality in Fódlan. Many of our students don’t even have access to these large, temperamental beasts. We need to make sure our children are safe and make sure they’re getting the proper instruction in how to remorselessly kill each other on the battlefield.”

It remains to be seen just how much the Academy’s performance will be affected over time, though one student frantically speaking from behind their dormitory room door expressed hope that it would never end.

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When Asked What Han Solo’s Favorite Color Is, Harrison Ford Says “I Wish George Lucas Would Die”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Whoa!! We have huge news for Star Wars fans because Han Solo actor Harrison Ford did a TELL-ALL interview with Hard Drive and revealed some juicy secrets that have never been disclosed in the history of the franchise! So sit back, don’t get cocky, and enjoy our once-in-a-lifetime interview with the great Harrison Ford.

This interview has been edited slightly to include capitalization and punctuation from Harrison Ford.

Jeremy Kaplowitz (Hard Drive): Hey Harrison! It is truly such a pleasure to meet you (even if it’s just via email!). I know you said you absolutely could not do an interview over the phone or Zoom, and I totally understand by the way, so I’ve prepared a list of questions for you to answer at your convenience. When you’re done, just email them right back here! We don’t have a timeline on this at all, but if you could send them over by, like, October, that would be great. 

Harrison Ford: [did not respond to this part]

JK: In the original script for Return of the Jedi, Yoda’s return or death were not included at all. According to some accounts, Lucas only included Yoda in the final film of the original trilogy after a child psychologist suggested it to him. How do you think the series would have been different had Yoda not been in Jedi?

HF: I don’t know what a Yoda is.

JK: Do you think that the more diverse cast of the sequel movies were a good or bad decision? Did it add to the ever-growing saga or was it something done to appease vocal critics of the franchise? What do you think is the perfect amount of diversity in the Star Wars franchise?

HF: I met one kid who was very nice, I think he said he was from Taiwan. He helped me set up the green screen in my house to film my part. 

JK: What would you say are the top 10 most iconic scenes in the Star Wars franchise? 

HF: The space one.

JK: How do you think the prequel movies compare to the sequel series? Does The Last Jedi really deserve the hate that it gets? What about The Rise of Skywalker? How do you feel about fan backlash towards these films?

HF: I don’t think I was in those. I was in something, I don’t know. Every day of my life, I wish that I was never introduced to George Lucas. They gave me so much money… but I would have made it anyway. I was in a lot of stuff. I don’t need this shit.

JK: If Han Solo were a real person in real life, who would be his celebrity crush? Do you think, if he ran for President of the United States, he would win? Which party would he run under? He seems to have libertarian leanings.

HF: It’s like that thought experiment. A man comes to your house and explains that, if you press a button, you will get millions of dollars, but someone you don’t know will die. I pressed that button. I got my millions of dollars. But I didn’t think I’d be the one who died. And I’m in Hell now, aren’t I? 

JK: What is Han Solo’s favorite color?

HF: I wish George Lucas would die. I fantasize often about his death. I used to imagine myself being the one to kill him. My hands slowly close around his throat as he yelps like one of his disgusting little creatures. These days, I’m not so selfish. I don’t need to be the one to do the job, I just need him gone from this Earth. George, if you’re reading this, and I know you are, I hope you die.

JK: Did George ever tell you the name of Han Solo’s canonical parents in the film? What kind of backstory did you invent for the character in your head when originally playing him?

HF: Maybe it’s not selfish. Maybe I just need to do the world this service. 

JK: What was your favorite thing about working with the cast of Star Wars? What about George Lucas himself? How did the demeanor on set change between the low budget A New Hope and the higher budget The Empire Strikes Back?

HF: I’ve made up my mind. I am going to kill George Lucas. I, Harrison Ford, am going to kill George Lucas. You’ve given me clarity. I’m taking my life back into my own hands.

JK: Do you approve of the use of CGI to bring back iconic characters? After you die, would you want the franchise to keep using your image to bring Han into the franchise as prequel films? Or would you prefer they use a younger actor to portray the role, such as Alden Ehrenreich?

HF: I’m putting on my pilot goggles. I’m taking out the plane. There’s blood on both our hands here, Jeremy [edited because it originally said Scotty, but I think he means me]. But it’s the good kind of blood. We’re at war, here. We can’t keep living like this. George has to pay for what he’s done to us. What he’s done to all these kids. We’re all victims of this sick carnie and his bag of tricks. I don’t care what they offer you — money, fame, the world — don’t be in a Star Wars. We need to cut it off at its head. Humanity is preserved by those brave enough to do what’s right. It already feels like relief.

JK: What was Carrie Fisher like?

HF: She was a good kid.

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Overcompensating White Guy’s Top Nine Just All Black Squares

Posted on by Zach Raffio

AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Hunter Brayden shared his Instagram Top Nine this week, which consisted entirely of black squares in a transparent attempt to prove he’s a “strong ally,” multiple unimpressed sources confirmed.

“Some people only blacked out for one Tuesday, but not me,” noted Brayden, who has an unopened copy of “White Fragility” on his bookshelf stuffed between a completed sudoku pamphlet and an annotated copy of Steve “Steve-O” Glover’s memoir “Professional Idiot.” “I blacked out every Tuesday that I didn’t post about Soul Cycle or brunch because I’m entirely, completely, fully anti-racist, and I think those black squares are all the proof anyone needs. Not to mention I used the correct hashtags, which most people completely ignored. I think it made a big difference.”

Connor Wyatt, Brayden’s close friend and the first person to invest in his “ally-owned” craft brewery/artisanal honey shop, agreed about what it takes to showcase anti-racism on social media.

“Hunter and I have a very similar social media presence — my Top Nine featured all the donations I’ve made this year,” claimed Wyatt, who does not qualify for any stimulus checks but would “definitely” donate them if he did. “It’s better to spread your donations as wide as you can, so instead of giving a meaningful amount to one or two organizations I truly believe in, I like to blindly give one dollar to as many as I can… publicly, of course. So far, I’ve given a buck to a whopping 45 organizations, but I could see it easily reaching 50, maybe 51. That’s what putting in the work looks like.”

Instagram researcher Dana Bell, who originally thought the onslaught of black square Top Nines was a glitch in the system, shared some fascinating statistics regarding these triumphant statements of activism.

“Every time a panicked, guilt-ridden white dude posted a Top Nine of all empty gestures, they lost around 40-50 followers,” noted Bell, who did not post on Blackout Tuesday themselves, because “come on.” “However, for every 40-50 followers lost, they also gained 40-50 far, far worse followers. So, I guess it all worked out — for them, of course. Although this is bad for everyone else. The echochamber has now become supercharged, and I do not want to see the end game.”

Brayden and Wyatt were seen this morning attending a local Black Lives Matter protest, accompanied by a film crew documenting their anti-racist actions for an upcoming, self-produced documentary with a working title of “Saviors.”

Punk House Ashtray Rotated to Less Full Side for Company

Posted on by James Knapp

CUMBERLAND, Md. — Residents of local punk house the Couch Arsenal rotated the only ashtray on the premises yesterday to allow guests easier access, wheezy sources confirmed.

“We normally only empty the ashtray when it starts overflowing, and even then only if there aren’t any empty beer cans around, but my cousin is coming to visit all the way from Albany and it felt like a special occasion,” explained house resident Sam Kimball. “We just really want guests to feel at home when they’re here; that’s why we insisted they take the side with only a couple of smashed Camel butts in it. It’s the little things that make all the difference. We can deal with the full side for a couple of days.”

House guest Ben Mankowicz expressed confused indifference to the residents’ intended polite gesture.

“Look, Sam is a great guy, but I gotta say I’m not so sure about his housing situation. There’s like, 15 people living in there, and the whole visit I kept hearing this weird clawing sound coming from behind the living room wall,” said Mankowicz. “I tried asking about it, but they just kept pointing at this gross ashtray and asking if I needed to bum a cigarette. They seemed really proud of it for some reason, but I don’t even smoke, so I just said ‘yes’ and held the cigarette without lighting it. I still have no idea what they were talking about.”

Trent Gallen, landlord of the Couch Arsenal, explained his opposition to the ashtray’s presence in the house entirely.

“They shouldn’t be smoking on the property at all. Seriously, I only rented the place to those punk kids in the first place because I knew I wouldn’t have to fix it up. One spark could send the whole house up in flames,” stated Gallen. “I don’t care how full the ashtray is or who is coming to visit — they need to go out in the yard to smoke, or preferably across the street. Anywhere they’re not upwind of the house.”

Residents allegedly also set out a charcuterie plate which was fished out of “the good Wawa” dumpster.

Photo by James Knapp.

If the COVID Vaccine Was Actually Safe, I’d Be Able To Buy It at Walmart Like My Guns

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Everything this simple man’s ever needed in life can be found at my local Walmart. Hell, even if I were fancier I’d still get all my needs met at the Walmart Superstore the town over. From frozen Angus beef burgers and Dr. Pepper to long cut Skoal and Jack Daniel’s, Walmart’s got all the essentials a man like me requires for a healthy life, including my biggest need of all: Arms and ammunition to protect myself and my family from the imminent danger waiting for an opportune moment to strike. But you know what’s not available at Walmart? Those Goddamn Covid vaccines the LIE-ence people are peddling.

Sure, it’s CDC approved but I just don’t trust any product without the official Walmart Smiley-face of approval.

If you ask me, science is just a stone’s throw away from witchcraft. Hell, if you ask me we should also bring back throwing stones at suspected witches. But nobody ever asks me. If you actually look in a science classroom, you’ll see it’s all potions and spells brewing behind locked doors. But you know what’s never locked up? The guns I got at Walmart. Why keep stricter regulations on knowledge than literal weapons unless you know deep down it’s more dangerous?

If the Walton family doesn’t feel inclined to stock Covid vaccines, why should I feel inclined to get vaccinated? They are billionaires, mind you, and everyone knows that people with tons of money are smarter and more trustworthy. The researchers and doctors who made these vaccines are so much poorer than the Waltons. Why would I trust regular ol’ Joe Shmo, Ph.D. with my life? They clearly have their own interests in mind.

I will say though, if Walmart does end up offering Covid vaccines I’d consider getting one. But only if they make a cheaper, generic “Equate” version. I don’t subscribe to the whole health insurance thing, though I might reconsider signing up if Walmart offers me a plan in the checkout line.