New Tribute Album Asks the Question: What if These Great Songs Sounded Bad?

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — A forthcoming David Bowie tribute album is daring to ask the question: what if these universally revered songs by the iconic British music legend sounded bad?

“Bowie left an indelible mark on the music landscape, and we at R&R Records want to show the world how much he influenced our stable of bands. After many meetings and demo sessions, the answer became clear: we need to reinterpret his songs in a way that no one could possibly find listenable,” said studio executive Rob Allen. “Not only can we highlight and remove talent, but now you can hear a screaming, double kick drum-filled version of ‘Let’s Dance’ that you’ll listen to exactly once and hate it the entire time.”

Artists were excited to pay homage to Bowie, despite some of them only having a tenuous appreciation of his work.

“We’re not going to turn down an opportunity to get our name out there, even if it’s covering an artist we haven’t drawn influence from at all,” said Lucy Shillington of surf-rock band Neutral Milk Hotel California. “We settled on ‘Station to Station’ because it’s like, nine minutes long and easy to jam out to, despite the song being more coke-fueled paranoia than laid-back surf-rock. But, hey — if someone searches the song online and accidentally hears our version, I’ll call it a win.”

At an “early listening party,” the label gave fans the opportunity to hear the new interpretations of Bowie’s classic catalog, albeit to mixed results.

“I was told this was a preview of a tribute album to David Bowie, but what I’m pretty sure I heard sounded like a lawnmower running over dog shit… at least according to this post-hardcore version of ‘Modern Love’ that made me want to burn the building down I was so mad,” said party attendee Julian Strand. “I mean, I get what they were trying to do, being that Bowie was impossible to define and experimented with nearly every genre imaginable. However, by the time we got to the lo-fi electronic version of ‘Queen Bitch,’ half the room cleared out and we were wondering if we’d ever enjoy his music again.

R&R Records also announced a special deluxe edition of the album, which will include 27 covers of “Heroes.”

Tony Stark Steps Down as Avenger After Name Found in Epstein Flight Logs

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

NEW YORK —  Tony Stark, the tech mogul and hero behind the guise of Iron Man, has reportedly stepped down from the Avengers team voluntarily after his name was discovered on the flight logs of a private aircraft owned by the late Jeffrey Epstein, sources have confirmed.

“I don’t think this should come as a surprise to anyone who knows Tony Stark,” said a former Stark Industries employee who asked to remain anonymous. “The guy buzzes around the world in a robot suit killing omnipotent gods all day as a side gig, how else do you think a man with that kind of power gets his rocks off? He’s been hanging out around that Spider-Man kid — who’s just in high school — so the signs really should have been clear to anyone who was paying attention.”

Despite the fact that Stark’s name appears on the logs and various paparazzi photos show Epstein and accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell visiting Stark’s seaside property in Malibu, fans of the man behind Iron Man say they are certain he is innocent.

“This is just another attempt to destroy Iron Man just like Thanos or Ultron,” said supporter Jeff Kessler at a rally outside of City Hall in support of Stark. “Plus, even if I’m wrong, he has eyes everywhere and the ability to deploy a bunch of missiles anywhere on the planet in a heartbeat. Didn’t that global defense system he built almost destroy the planet one time? I’d keep your voice down spreading rumors about him if I were you.”

Some confidants of Stark believe it’s likely that he is hiding things from the public and that there may be credit to the allegations.

“I wasn’t around back when these supposed flights happened, but if anyone knew the things Tony gets up to with Bruce Banner and Nick Fury on the weekends, this would be a very different narrative,” said the artificial intelligence called F.R.I.D.A.Y. who has worked as Stark’s personal assistant for the past few years. “Every single day I have to deal with his Internet browsing history existing inside of my mainframe. Do you know what that’s like? Could you even fathom it?”

At press time, Stark held a press conference to deny any and all allegations of sexual abuse. However, after getting up to the podium, the billionaire began to say, “the truth is…” before pausing contemplatively for a moment and eventually continuing, “I had an orgy with Bill Clinton and a bunch of kids,” and walking off stage.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Allow me to officially welcome you all to 2021. How are you feeling? Are you comfortable? Is the temperature good? I personally haven’t noticed any big changes myself, but maybe they’ll be more noticeable by the end of the day. While we wait to see what new features and fixes they made to the year, let’s read some fun comments from the community!

Detective: Excuse me sir, a murder was just commited in this building. Did you see anything?

Agent 47: (Pantomimes zipping his mouth up and shrugging)

Detective: We’re not gonna get anything of this guy. Thank you for your time, sir.

The snippet of America lore that still bothers me is the story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. Would you ever feel safe around your son again if he took a hatchet and chopped down your property? Who gives a shit if he was lying or not? George Washington wasn’t afraid of getting caught, he was trying to send a message.

Are we really supposed to believe that this guy will make an offer that can’t be refused? Is that even possible? That’s not an offer, that’s a threat. This movie doesn’t make any sense at all. 

Ding!

We gather here today in memory of Glass Joe, a man who lost 99 fights but had one victory: a long life full of people who loved him, and supported him the 300 separate times he was hospitalized by people hitting him, intentionally or unintentionally. He is survived by his son Andre, whose conception left Joe so physically battered that he was still in the trauma ward when Andre was born. Alas, there is no glass here but our hearts, and I know they are all breaking.

Of course, as well as other new exciting features such as the  new ‘Hurricane’ weather effect, and ‘Eternal Summer Mode,’ which cannot be turned off.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

“What Are We?” Question Silently Answered by Sunday Afternoon Trip to Michael’s

Posted on by Krissy Howard

VESTAL, N.Y. — An impromptu stop at arts and crafts supply store Michael’s last Sunday silently confirmed the relationship status of Liz Satrano and Sam Grissom, according to sources excited for the couple.

“Sam and I have been kind of low-key hanging out every day and sleeping together for months now, but she always finds a way to change the subject when I ask what’s up with us,” explained Satrano. “But that trip to Michael’s said it all, really. I think it was her way of asking us to be official. I mean, I have a lot of friends, and I don’t spend nearly an hour on my day off walking around what might be the most boring store ever created with them to look at four different navy frames that I’m pretty sure were identical. And don’t even get me started on the pipe cleaners she was losing her shit over. Yes, I pretended to be into them, but that’s what you do for the people you love.”

Grissom, who “doesn’t want to ruin what we have with labels,” fears that the visit may have sent mixed signals.

“We were out and nearby and I just needed to pop in for some markers and a mason jar and double-sided tape. I didn’t think anything of it,” Grissom recalled. “We were in the small empty boxes aisle when she said something like, ‘This is nice,’ and that’s when I looked around and saw it — a bunch of couples who look like they’ve been together for a comfortable amount of time, and the most alone person you’ve ever seen in your life. Months of careful side stepping and vague excuses, all down the drain.”

Experts in the field recalled countless similar examples of the crafts store helping couples who are unsure where they stand.

“If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it damn near a million times — one person super excited about beads or something, and then another person kind of quietly shuffling behind them like a zombie, but sad,” said seasoned cashier for the retail outlet Marilyn DiStefano. “Many folks walk in this place ‘not really looking for anything serious,’ but when you’re forced to navigate a visually overstimulating gauntlet filled with glitter paint and stickers and apple cinnamon candles and chunky knit yarn, well, even the most emotionally unavailable brick wall of a human is gonna walk outta here different… changed. They just take their coupon for 40% off any non-sale item on their next visit and off they go. It’s outta my hands at that point.”

Issues were further complicated later that afternoon when the pair visited a nearby Lowe’s in search of a single, weirdly sized light bulb.

Married Best Friends Make Pact to Get Divorced if Still Unhappy at 40

Posted on by Nicholai Roscoe

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Married best friends Lisa Johnson and Matt Kennedy have made a pact to get divorced if they are still unhappy by the time they turn 40, sources close to the couple reported Friday.

“I mean, I know it’s crazy, but why the hell not? Maybe we’d really be great as friends with no romantic involvement,” noted Johnson. “I’ve even caught myself fantasizing about us as people who don’t cohabitate or have sexual contact of any kind whatsoever during our last few dates. Last week, we locked eyes briefly while ice skating at Rockefeller Center, and I swear we were both imagining the same thing: a life apart.”

Mutual friend and drinking buddy Kevin Leahy was eager to weigh in on the couple’s desires.

“Sitting on the sidelines, it’s been a classic will-they-won’t-they situation, divorce-wise,” said the longtime friend who was Kennedy’s best man at their wedding. “Any dumbbell can see there’s an incredible lack of sexual tension between them — watching the two of them interact isn’t like watching a cheesy rom-com where they both realize they’re soul mates. It’s more like watching ‘Marriage Story,’ and it bums everyone out.”

Marriage counselor Dr. Sandra Williamson agreed.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but it’s painfully obvious they both just wanted to be married and settled because they both felt the pressure of not being married at age 30,” reported Dr. Williamson. “I tried subtly dropping some hints that they’re both attractive, popular people with plenty of other options, but they were totally oblivious. It’s like they’re too used to being a couple to consider that the perfect person for them is out there somewhere else. I’m just glad they don’t have any children — you don’t stay friends after a brutal custody battle.”

At press time, a wacky series of coincidences led the couple to a mutual epiphany that their romantic feelings for one another were actually platonic all along.

Yes Sir, I Will Do What You Tell Me!

Posted on by Eric Navarro

I can admit that some members of law enforcement just so happen to be the very same individuals that make up their local white supremacist organization. But we have to keep in mind that no system is perfect. We are only human after all. We need to get real and recognize that our authority figures may goof up from time to time and accidentally shoot a pedestrian or light a cross on fire in someone’s yard. With that in mind, we should give the authority figures in our community the unearned respect and unquestioned obedience they clearly have no problem killing for.

Okay everyone, join me all at once. “Yes sir, I will do what you tell me!”

See how peaceful everything is? Not last night when people were fighting cops in the streets. I’m talking right now from my condo. So peaceful. And what did I have to do to achieve this state of bliss? Just follow the rules, man. Because, see, the police officers who perpetrated the killings that fuel the protests were granted a position of power and we must understand the implications of that. They are doing a risky job that most of us don’t have the courage to do. So, in a way, the badge they wear gives justification to some of their more questionable actions. We chose them. We gave them that badge and that power. I mean, what else were we gonna do? Become cops ourselves?

To be honest, I don’t even like cops. They’re pretty lame about weed but they leave me alone so we’re cool. I used to call out authority when I was younger but now I do what they told me and life is generally easier. I guess you could say I’m under their control, but it’s a good thing! People can get unruly and it’s nice to have some helpful boundaries in life to guide us calmly through the world. While meditating, I often picture myself as a cow, blissfully following the herd down a flowery meadow, into a quaint pen, into a cold, metal walkway while mechanical noises and loud thumps grow louder as the blackened abyss takes the shape of Mitch McConnell’s face and I cum.

By the way, if you’re looking for some good tunes to listen to while supporting authority, my favorite song is “Fuck the Police” but just the parts where they’re pretending to be cops.

Sick Melody Thought of in Shower Forgotten by End of Shower

Posted on by Heather Cook

WOODSTOWN, N.J. — Local punk Alice Moretti thought of “the sickest” melody while shaving her armpits in the shower moments ago, only to forget it entirely before she finished shampooing her hair.

“I swear, the melody was catchier than any Front Bottoms chorus,” said Moretti, still in a bath towel. “I’ve had writer’s block this entire pandemic, but then boom — I start singing the riot grrrl riff from heaven. I tried humming the melody over and over again so I wouldn’t forget it, but then I got shampoo in my eye and was totally distracted. Next thing I know, the song was down the drain.”

“Once I realized it was gone, I quickly hopped back in the shower to see if it would spark something — I even put shampoo in my eye again. Nada,” she added. “I even tried hypnosis and hired one of my Instagram tarot friends to perform one of their bullshit rituals, but that career-saving tune is gone for good.”

Moretti’s roommate Skylar Hotez was the only witness to this devastating incident.

“I heard Alice singing some weird song in the shower, and I can confirm that the melody actually sucked ass,” said Hotez. “It’s a good thing she can’t remember it — I wish I couldn’t. We’re all better off. She’s run our utilities bill through the roof with all that shower singing, and there’s no way I’m helping her pay this hot water bill for some stupid song that sucked to begin with.”

Princeton University psychology professor Sabine Kastner has seen a similar pattern of forgetfulness across multiple mediums.

“According to our studies, over 60% of great melodies are forgotten in the shower before the subject has even finished scrubbing their bum, while 78% of artists think of their most pretentious mural idea while having sex, but forget it during climax,” said Kastner. “And nearly 40% of writers finally come up with the next great American novel while driving on the highway, but forget it as soon as they yell at some asshole for changing lanes without using their blinker. It’s a tale as old as time.”

At press time, Moretti was attempting to remember “the perfect tweet” that came to her in a dream last night, which was promptly forgotten upon waking up.

Snickering CD Projekt Red Executive Announces Cyberpunk Switch Port

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WARSAW — Executives at CD Projekt Red couldn’t contain their giggling while announcing an upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 port coming to the Nintendo Switch this year during a press conference Sunday morning.

“Uhhhh yeah, we’re gonna put Cyberpunk on the Switch so [suppressed giggle] make sure to charge up those joy-cons,” said director Adam Badowski, doubling over in front of a podium at a press conference, barely containing his laughter. “It’s gonna be TOTALLY optimized too. Super next-gen graphics, high definition particles… oh yeah, and ray tracing! Oh my god, it’s gonna have ray tracing! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t do it! Oh my god, Cyberpunk on the Switch, holy shit dude.”

Fans of the series have taken to social media to discuss the news, causing “Cyberpunk Switch” to become the top trending topic on Twitter.

“I really trusted CD Projekt Red and I was so disappointed when I saw what the PS4 version of Cyberpunk looked like. But if they say they’re working on a Switch port and that’s going to rival the graphics of the PC version of the game, then why shouldn’t I be excited?” said a Twitter user whose avatar is Link from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. “I’m so friggin pumped to take Cyberpunk with me on the go!”

At press time, Adam Badowski released a video of himself just losing his shit while announcing a mobile port of Cyberpunk 2077 to come out at the end of the month.

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Quarantined Garfield Doesn’t Know What Day He Hates Anymore

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

MUNCIE, Ind. – World-renowned, curmudgeonly orange cat Garfield has forgotten which day of the week he famously hates due to prolonged quarantine, comic strip sources confirmed.

“Whoever came up with the concept of time deserves to be drug out into the street and shot,” explained Garfield while peeking out from under his blanket. “Since quarantine started, I’ve felt like I’ve slowly lost touch with reality, disassociating from my usually winning and charming personality. Sometimes I forget whether I love lasagna or baked ziti. And I can barely remember which Middle Eastern city I mailed Nermal. Seriously, what day is it that I hate? April? Is that a day of the week? I don’t even know, man.”

Owner Jon Arbuckle grew concerned after noticing Garfield hadn’t attempted to seriously injure his dog companion Odie in weeks.

“I woke up Thursday morning to Garfield sitting on my chest staring at me,” Arbuckle shared. “Shortly afterwards, I noticed several scratches on his arm that appeared to read, ‘I hate whatdays.’ Garfield’s hatred of Monday gave his unmitigated rage a target. Without it, I’m afraid of what he’s capable of. Taking lives, but not of feeling remorse.”

Licensed veterinarian and object of Arbuckle’s unrequited infatuation Dr. Liz Wilson was alarmed after seeing Garfield for the fourth time in a week.

“I thought it was just a routine laxative for lasagna-induced constipation. But after I once again turned down Jon’s invite to quarantine with them, I noticed the blood dripping from Garfield’s paws. I tried contacting Garfield’s buddy Orson Pig from U.S. Acres for help, but quarantine must be hitting them hard too, because all he said was ‘whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy’ and hung up,” said Dr. Wilson. “Depending on the day of the week, I wouldn’t be surprised by aggressive behavior from Garfield, but it was the weekend and I didn’t want to be legally implicated in whatever that was.”

At press time, Arbuckle unintentionally exacerbated Garfield’s issues by purchasing him a “Heathcliff” calendar.

Inconsiderate Roommate Drinks Last Beer in Fridge, Fucks Your Girlfriend

Posted on by James Knapp

LEMOYNE, Penn. — Roommate and all-around jackass Glen Sullivan reportedly drank the last beer in the house moments after having sex with your girlfriend of three years, you confirmed last night after softly sobbing in the shower for several hours.

“What can I say? The ladies love the Glenster, and the Glenster loves Miller High Life. What has two thumbs and fucks? This guy!” proclaimed Sullivan, like an absolute dirtbag piece of shit. “Of course I don’t feel bad about sleeping with that chick, whatever her name is… Sarah or something. I don’t know, I don’t care — sometimes, you just gotta smash. By the way, if she calls, I’m not here.”

Your girlfriend appeared remarkably calm regarding the entire situation.

“Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, Glen is a very selfish lover, but I haven’t had a meaningful orgasm in nine months, so I’m calling this one a win,” said your girlfriend while casually smoking a post-coital cigarette behind the apartment you share with her and Glen. “I was probably gonna break things off as soon as the lease is up anyway, so really this was kinda my rebound fling. Actually, I’ve had worse. My last rebound lay was a guy who taught sketch comedy writing classes. Need I say more?”

Early reports from all your friends and confidants claim you are handling everything incredibly poorly.

“I just don’t understand how he could do this to me. I wanted that beer; I specifically asked him not to drink that fucking beer,” you said, a small amount of grief dribble dangling from your lower lip. “Sure, sleeping with my girlfriend was pretty bad, but he crossed the line by drinking the last beer. Is nothing sacred? This is the fourth time he’s done this, and what’s worse is he never buys more to replace them.”

“I guess this is what I deserve for finding a roommate on Reddit,” you continued. “Well, I better get to the liquor store before they close.”

Your girlfriend has since changed her Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated,” while you drank the entire bottle of mid-range champagne you were saving for your anniversary.