Top Five Zeppelin Albums According To the Guy Our Mom’s Kind of Dating

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Whether you’re my mom’s ex-boyfriend or the guy my mom is currently sort of seeing Led Zeppelin has had an undeniable impact on your dumb life. But until my mom starts broadening her horizons dating-wise the question remains, which Zeppelin album reigns supreme?

Here is the definitive ranking of Zeppelin’s top 5 albums according to Steve, the guy more than likely banging my mom, as told to me when he wasn’t busy muttering homophobic slurs at my direction.

5. Led Zeppelin IV
Steve said that no real fan lists this album as their favorite, this one is just their most famous, and that anyone claiming it’s their best is a poser. I asked him if this was something most middle-aged people worried about and he said if my mom wasn’t in the room he’d have kicked my ass. Plus, he went on, this is when they started incorporating even more of that weird nerd shit in their lyrics, I told him I liked that and he said “You would.” Anyway, we both agreed that Stairway is overrated.

4. Houses of the Holy
Steve said that this would be ranked higher if Zep hadn’t sold out on this one. He was actually pretty drunk by the time we got to discussing this one, but I was able to make out “fuck Pink Floyd” and “art school pussies.” As he was puking and begging me not to tell my mom about him trying to pick up the Buffalo Wild Wings waitress, he said he used to have a sweet airbrush of the album cover on his van.

3. Mothership
So we actually nearly ended up coming to blows over this one because I questioned his fandom for including a best of on his list. He told me I was just being a little bitch and was jealous that my mom was spending all her time with him. I told him he was limped dicked has-been who clearly peaked in high school just like all Zeppelin fans. He told me I listened to music by makeup-wearing pussies. We cried together.


2. In Through The Out the Door
I laughed because I’m no Led Zeppelin fan but even I know this album fucking blows. I mean you think Houses of the Holy is pretentious and then you like this? That’s like saying you like “Cut the Crap.” I don’t know what the fuck my mom sees in this guy

1. Led Zeppelin I
He said that pound for pound this is the best Zeppelin album bar none. He actually used a lot of boxing metaphors. He said he boxed when he was in the Navy and probably could’ve gone pro if it weren’t for affirmative action. I told him that was a fucking bullshit excuse washed-up boomers used as an excuse for being failures.
Can someone cool please bang my mom?

Local Band Can’t Believe It’s Been 10 Months Since They Last Played to Two Friends and a Hostage Bartender

Posted on by John Danek

FREDERICK, Md. — Longtime punk band Booger Eater realized yesterday that it’s been over 10 months since they occupied a stage at a local bar and played to two guilt-tripped friends and a hostaged, working bartender who couldn’t leave for several hours.

“Wow… we went from playing over 30 shows per year, begging friends and acquaintances to attend each time, then all of a sudden — poof,” sighed Booger Eater drummer Becky Anne Stein, whose band had a semi-regular residency at Bronze Creek Bar pre-COVID. “I miss watching the bartenders insert earplugs, then donning large industrial earmuffs and then looking at their phones all night to conserve energy. I know it’s all to preserve their hearing so they can listen to Booger Eater for years to come. I wonder how the staff is getting along without us.”

Jay Tuttle, longtime bartender at Bronze Creek Bar, misses the regular income of the job but has also been able to focus on the positive aspects of quarantine.

“Sure, the government hung me out to dry and I’m mad depressed, but I haven’t had to listen to Booger Eater’s ‘big closer’ for the millionth time, which is nice,” said Tuttle. “I think one of the band’s siblings told them that they liked this one song, so every show they make this big production of playing it as an encore no one wants and act like they’ve been saving some fucking legendary punk song. It sounds like all their other three-chord turds, and I don’t think a single person knows the words to sing along, including members of that shitty band.”

Psychologists hope to have definitive answers to the effects of quarantine on those involved in local music scenes soon.

“Most people join bands due to inflated egos and an unjustified sense of talent, and they are particularly vulnerable to the mental difficulties of a pandemic,” says Dr. Stephen Carlise, professor of psychology at Frostburg State University. “But the friends who attend shows out of obligations and bartenders forced to endure repetitive punk sets get a much-needed break, so I’d say it’s a bit of a wash overall.”

Crisis hotline workers have noted decreased calls from music venue staff during quarantine, but also report a disturbing uptick of musicians’ roommates calling after being repeatedly asked if a new riff sounds good or not.

Elon Musk Unveils New Single Person Hyperloop

Posted on by Doug Francisco

AMIGARA — In a press conference today, Boring Company founder Elon Musk unveiled the latest redesign of his Hyperloop transportation system designed to transport a single person through a purpose-built tunnel.

“This is really the realization of a goal nearly a decade in the making,” Musk told gathered reporters. “Finally, anyone can find their hole in the rock face behind me and be taken to the other side of the Amigara Fault, just as I initially promised in 2012.”

The Boring Company, which originally pitched the Hyperloop as a high speed underground rail system and was then redesigned as a series of tunnels which fit a single Tesla, has reduced the tunnel size to the exact silhouette of individual riders, with no vehicle required. “Some unknown civilization built these holes, and luckily everyone has one that fits their exact body shape,” Musk said. “The savings are enormous. They are epic.”

Testers for the new system arrived in Amigara late last week. One such tester, a college student named Owaki, said he felt compelled to join the team after seeing a news segment on the strange carvings. 

“I don’t know what it was,” he said. “But I’ve been having all these strange dreams and I knew I had to come down. I do not want to crawl into the Hyperloop, but I fear I will be unable to stop myself from doing so.”

Still, some detractors of Musk’s claim that using strange ancient rock carvings as a means of mass transit may pose safety concerns. 

“You really can’t listen to the haters,” he said. “Many people are constantly hating on me, and I like to think my actions speak louder than any retort I could give. That said, these critics are almost all pedophiles.”

Shortly before press time, the first test of the Amigara Hyperloop was finished. When reached for further comment regarding his experience with the tunnels, the tester Owaki only replied, “Drr… drr… drr…”

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Opinion: Unfriend Me RIGHT NOW if You’re Literally Yolanda Saldívar, the Woman Who Shot Selena

Posted on by Jimmy Adamson

If you are reading this right now and your name is Yolanda Saldívar…

FUCK. YOU.

You literally MURDERED beloved singer/songwriter/spokesperson/businesswoman/ model/actress/fashion designer, Selena Quintanilla-Pérez! Not only was Selena a massive talent, but the “Queen of Tejano music” was also a huge inspiration to young, upcoming singers across the globe. And you took her away, devastating millions of fans.

DO. BETTER.

If there were a Fucking Asshole Scale and you stepped on it? The pointy thing would land on, like, 10. Sorry, not sorry. I am doing my weekly cleansing of Facebook “friends”, and if you somehow happen to be on here, DELETE ME. IMMEDIATELY. And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out! Yolanda? More like NO-landa!

I’m not sure they even allow Facebook in prison. But if they do, and you for some strange reason found me, and then requested me, and I approved…GET OUT! I don’t know why I would’ve even added you! After seeing the Behind the Music on Selena, I surely would’ve known about how you weaseled your way into Selena’s inner circle, stole $60,000 from her and her dedicated fans, and then shot the beloved pop singer in a motel room! Like, ew, gross. What the actual fuck? Shooting a famous singer is not an amazeballs thing to do. It is, in fact, the opposite of amazeballs.

YOU. ARE. AN. ASSHAT.

And if they don’t allow Facebook in prison, and you’re not reading this? Don’t even THINK about trying to add me when you possibly get out on parole on March 30, 2025. Because I will not accept it. I will let you rot in my request folder, along with my Drumpf-supporting Aunt Doris.

Say it louder for the people in back, YOLANDA. SALDÍVAR. IS. TRASH.

New Year’s Resolution Knows It’s No Match for Cocaine

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force that is Millwater’s love of cocaine, internal sources confirm.

“This is going to be rough. Cocaine has this unique addictive quality that really turns Jerry into a total piece of shit, and honestly, I’m a pretty vague resolution. I was given zero plans or strategy — he just woke up today, looked in the mirror, and dreamed me up. That’s not how any of this works. I’m not going to make it past sundown,” said the resolution while looking over Millwater’s life resume. “I mean, cocaine already has the advantage: they’ve known each other since high school, and I’m supposed to show up and handle shit? I think I’m better suited for a guy who eats too much ice cream or wants to go on more hikes.”

While cocaine is confident in its ability to make quick work of yet another New Year’s resolution, the stimulant admitted it feels bad for destroying another positive wish.

“This won’t be much of a challenge. I’m an old pro at this, and they’re like, some new age shit. I’ve got Jerry fired, ruined countless relationships, spent all his money, and put him in the hospital… and he still shows back up with that shit-eating grin and deviated septum. I’m not sure a churched-up platitude is even going to scratch this armor,” said cocaine while hanging out in a dive bar bathroom. “I was looking forward to a good fight — I’ve gone a few rounds with past resolutions and few solemn oaths — but this year, I’m just going for the quick knockout. It’s the kinder path.”

While the odds heavily favor cocaine, Millwater is still betting on the resolution to come out victorious.

“I’m feeling pretty good about this upcoming year. I was super hungover this morning, and it’s time for a change. I hear a lot about self-care being important, so I’m just going to focus on that. Maybe this year I’ll get back into the guitar or something,” said Millwater while drinking a Big Gulp. “Actually, a little ‘hair of the dog” wouldn’t hurt. I’m going to give my buddy Steve a call and see if he’s holding. I can start this whole resolution thing next week. I mean, what does some arbitrary day of the year really mean, anyway?”

The resolution was unavailable for further comment, as it was being rushed to the hospital with life-threatening injuries.

My New Year’s Resolution Is To Learn One New Machine Gun Kelly Song on Guitar Every Month

Posted on by Kevin Tit

There’s a reason Machine Gun Kelly’s album “Tickets To My Downfall” debuted as number one on the Billboard charts. And, no, it’s not because it’s the first zoomer-accessible pop-punk album co-written by a member of Blink 182. Anyone appreciating this album as a gateway for outcast kids to get into punk has completely missed what it really is: a straight-up punk rock gut punch that spits blood in the face of authority.

That’s why I made it my New Year’s resolution to learn a different song off this no-holds-barred, four-chord masterpiece that rips the American government and our sick, twisted society to shreds. Plus, I don’t know how to play guitar and these songs sound pretty easy to start with.

Anybody who’s worked in a Hot Topic can tell you that punk never died. Go ahead. Ask for a manager. They’ll show you the numbers with irrefutable proof that punk has been a commercially successful clothing brand for decades! That was until MGK teamed up with punk legends Yungblud and Iann Dior to create a sound that finally matched the iconic punk look.

The first song on my list is “WWIII.” Which stands for World War One One One. War is dangerous and anarchistic just like punk and MGK is bringing that anarchy back with his latest release from Bad Boy Records with distribution from Interscope. Plus, after I learn it I’ll know the B and the E chords!

And don’t get me started on the lyrics! There’s just something about the way he says “Hey! Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do because I am not your bitch. Shit,” that really speaks to me.

By the end of the year I’m hoping to know how to play every song on the album without looking at the tabs. I want to carry the torch Machine Gun Kelly has lit for the genre and help to bring back real rock n roll. No more of that fake shit where bands perform in comfortable shoes. I want to get obnoxiously drunk, blackout, and cause thousands of dollars in property damage without worrying about it like a true rockstar with major record label financial backing. I want to bring back real punk rock, just like MGK.

Meat Loaf Appalled to Learn Millennials Willing to Do THAT for Love

Posted on by Michael De Toffoli

CALABASAS, Calif. — 73-year-old Wagnerian rock legend Michael “Meat Loaf” Aday was appalled to learn yesterday that Millennials have accepted and even embraced the act of… that.

“I saw my granddaughter’s Tinder app thing, and there’s a whole section for… THAT!” the famed singer told us. “And don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude — I enjoy a good Flying Camel or Swiss Ball Blitz any day of the week, but I won’t… well, you know the rest. Millennials need to learn that love should be pure and decent, going only as far as say Baltimore Snow Angels or Hot Patooties, but never that.”

Meat Loaf’s granddaughter Taylor Aday responded with a more modern take on the sexual wellness benefits of… that.

“That’s actually common in certain communities, and shaming people for enjoying and requesting it is a very boomer mentality,” said Taylor. “The man who introduced the world to that should be capable of seeing the mental health and wellness benefits of normalizing salad tossing, scrambled egging, and even… that. If people want to get out of the frying pan and into the fire, they should have the right to do so without fear of persecution.”

Respected Human Sexuality Professor and proud Gen X’er Dr. Camellia Romanko sees Mr. Loaf’s position in the sex and wellness community as an opportunity to heal the generation’s conflicting ideals.

“Meat Loaf’s contribution to sexual wellness and discovery should honestly be celebrated, especially following years of pondering what ‘that’ may even be referring to,” Dr. Romanko said. “The boomer generation was a little more conservative, only taking things as far as the occasional Frothy Walrus or Screwnicorn, but Millennials are compassionate enough to accept and even embrace more exploratory acts. Positions like that could very well be the thing that invites the conversation to bridge the divide, and lead Americans to truly see paradise by the dashboard light.”

Research has shown that Gen Z has in fact already embraced that and incorporates it regularly into coitus, commonly referring to the act as “Meat Loafing.”

We’re Trying to Beat Other Sites to the Punch So Here are Our Favorite Games of 2021

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

While 2020 was a huge year for gaming, we really missed out on some key site traffic by choosing to publish our Game of the Year list in late December. While we waited like utter fools for games like Super Meat Boy Forever to come out, other sites beat us to the punch by publishing their lists the moment Christmas songs started playing on the radio.

We won’t be taken for fools again this year. We’re finally going to beat all the Polygons and GameSpots of the world to the punch by dropping our year end list first, no matter what it takes. So read it and weep, suckers: here are our top five games of 2021.

#5. Horizon Forbidden West

I think it’s safe to say that Horizon Forbidden West is an incredible sequel to the PlayStation 4 classic that utilizes the power of the PlayStation 5 to create breathtaking landscapes. I mean, we haven’t played it, but it looks like the first game, so we can’t imagine it’ll be much different. We could probably churn out our review right now and just recycle a lot of the same points about how fine-tuned the robot-fighting action is and how excellent the performances are. We’re just going to give it a 9 no matter what, so this feels pretty safe.

#4. Disco Elysium: The Final Cut

We didn’t play Disco Elysium when it came out in 2019, because we were busy covering Death Stranding and this just looked like some boring indie game. Everyone’s been raving about it since it launched, though, so real egg on our face. Luckily, a complete edition is coming to Nintendo Switch this year, so we think we can get away with slotting this on our list and acting like we were “with it” all along by finally giving it the attention it deserved in the first place. Let’s say that “the Nintendo Switch really changes the original experience” or something like that to cover our tracks here.

#3. Party Pummel

Among Us was a staple of 2020 lists last year, despite the fact that it came out in 2018, and we really want to be ahead of the curve this time. We checked the “More Like This” section on the Among Us Steam page and found this one game called Party Pummel that came out in 2018. It looks like Mario Party or something. Either way, there are no reviews for it on Metacritic so it’s exactly the kind of “small game that nobody cared about until streamers cared about it” release that’s really going to bolster our SEO ranking. Just wait until we start churning out guides.

#2. Anthem

Okay, real long shot here, but we noticed that it’s kind of trendy to include an old live service game that “turned it around” somewhere on your list so we’re swinging for the fences. Anthem honestly isn’t very good right now and there’s no real sign that it’ll get better. But there’s probably some good chance that BioWare will roll out an update this year and we can write a strong think piece about how it finally fixes the game. No one’s going to go back and check, so I think people will just take us at our word here. Anthem is our #2 game of 2021.

#1. Elden Ring

We have no idea if Elden Ring is actually coming out in 2021, but we would feel pretty fucking stupid if it does and it’s not on our list. So we’re just going to play it safe and slot it in at #1 here. There’s no possible way that a game as insanely hyped up as this could drop the ball, right?

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We Rank the Top 15 Pounds We’ve Gained in 2020

Posted on by Nariko Ott

No one is crushing it in quarantine. Well, except ultra-rich people who are positioned perfectly for thriving in this environment. Does that sound like you? No? We neither. From our decrease in movement to our increase in pizza, the only thing we’re crushing in 2020 is our gaming chair. So with our ever-expanding free time and waistline, the only thing to do is document our slide into our new WALL-E lifestyle by ranking the top 15 pounds we’ve gained in the last year.

The Part of the Tummy that Makes Medium T-shirts Unwearable – Remember May? Boy, we really treated ourselves then. And now. And all the time in between. We really thought it might be the apocalypse and consuming soft pretzels and Pabst Blue Ribbon nonstop was our version of playing violin as the Titanic sinks. Unfortunately, we’re still alive and unable to fit into all our old band shirts. At least we won’t have to worry about size availability.

Beer Belly – At this point, there was no denying our transformation. We were crushed harder than Monday’s 30 pack by the realization that the days of standing sideways in the mirror were over. That angle is dead to us now.

Getting Winded On Stairs – How much does carb-derived asthma weigh in pounds? Because now we can’t climb steps without sounding like someone stabbed a bagpipe. Pretty sure our neighbors think Darth Vader took up jogging. Also, have you ever farted so hard you saw stars? Happens all the time now.

Pound #11 – Fuck you. Fuck you forever.

That being said, it’s pretty awesome. Quarantine has us going through a metamorphosis. Changing from skinny and underdeveloped like Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly” into a new, dad-body form like Jeff Goldblum in our fantasies. Do you realize how good our hugs have gotten? Our cuddle game gonna be off the charts in 2021.

Crust Punk Pins Picture of Even Dirtier Clothes on 2024 Vision Board

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local crust punk Skye Mathtison is leaning hard into self-help culture for 2024, pinning pictures of his deepest desires of the dirtiest clothes possible onto a soggy piece of garbage for his vision board.

“This year sucked absolute dog dick, but that doesn’t mean next year has to,” touted Mathtison before misting his collar with oily drippings from an above gutter. “I believe we’re all in control of our own destiny, and I for one don’t want to be a slave to my own bad habits. Hell, no — I want to break free of them. I want to take control of my life. I want to reach for the moon, because even if I miss, I’ll land among the stars. I’m not ashamed to say this board is packed with great stuff like half-smoked cigarettes, and discarded pizza boxes with some crust still left in there.”

Those closest to the dedicated crustie are embracing his enthusiasm and debating whether or not to join him.

“He’s been going on about goals with fancy words like ‘manifestation,’ which is weird. Not because I don’t believe in him, but because in the nine years I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him speak,” said Mathtison’s friend Snoopy Dundels as he laid down for a nap. “But, I support him — a life with all the stuff he’s trying to get sounds fuckin’ rad: dirtier clothes, bigger hatchet, an older dog. Shit, if I see it works, I’ll have to make me one of those ‘in my wildest fantasy’ dream boards, too.”

Local store owner Mads Bradford believes a stack of self-help books he threw in the dumpster behind his shop helped Mathtison change his outlook.

“He’s been coming in here every day, thanking me for throwing my Tony Robbins bullshit in the rubbish,” laughed the one-eyed corner store clerk. “None of that self-help fakery worked for me, but I’m glad he’s getting something out of it. He told me that his new positive thinking techniques led him to finding a bottle of something he thinks is alcohol. I actually think he’s drinking transmission fluid, but the kid seems happy.”

As a part of his goal setting, Mathtison’s New Year’s resolution is to accept 5% less money from his father every month.