Opinion: I Think I’m Just Gonna Call It a Night

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

We have had fun tonight with our festivities and frivolities and, while your proposition to keep this night going is tempting, I believe now is the time for me to retire home. I wish that I could continue on this journey with you but in my heart of hearts, I know this is where I leave you.

This has been one evening that I will never forget and I thank you all for sharing it with me. We feasted on fine food and imbibed our share of drink but as the poets of old said, all good things must come to an end.

Duty beckons me home where I must attend to my dog and laundry. Have I mentioned yet that I have work in the morning? Because I do indeed. As you see, I do not wish to end this but I must for responsibility’s sake. As the saying goes; when I became a man, I have put away childish things.

Of course, karaoke and Waffle House sound intriguing, I will only hear about them in story because this is where I leave you. We shall meet again, one day, where you can recount to me what I missed after my departure.

Additionally, it seems that I am also short on money. While your offer to spot me and to get the next round is truly generous and thoughtful, I refuse to be indebted to you, or anyone, and I do not know when I will be able to reimburse you.

I feel sullen and weakened which make for bad companionship and, even though you implore me to stay, I must leave for fear of destroying your good times with my sour mood. I envy you men and women of a hearty constitution that allows you to push on. Your lighthearted jests mocking my lightweightedness and attacking my masculinity will not change my decision.

Alas, I think I’m just gonna call it a night.

Straight Edge Couple’s New Year’s Plans Exactly the Same for Last Eight Years

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Local straight edge couple Alana Enders and Chris Lewis responsibly celebrated New Year’s Eve alone at home for the eighth consecutive year, sources who weren’t surprised by this at all confirmed.

“Being straight edge really makes things easy for us, because all our friends know not to invite us anywhere since the answer is always a polite, but stern ‘no,’” said Enders while freshening up the Xs on her hands. “I know a lot of people are struggling because they can’t celebrate with the people they love, but we haven’t had any disruptions of our New Year’s Eve traditions. First, we order takeout from a vegan Thai place, then we take pictures of the cats wearing funny hats, and wrap up the night by texting a few friends ‘Happy New Year’ around 8:30 because we know we’re going to fall asleep soon.”

Friends of the poison-free couple admit they are slightly jealous of how Enders and Lewis have navigated the pandemic.

“I know those two want this pandemic to be over, but I also know that deep down they don’t want to go back to socializing the way people did before the virus,” said longtime friend, and edge breaking sellout, Devin Clifford. “They haven’t been dragged to a retro bowling alley for a birthday party all year, and you can tell they love it. Nobody has been able to do drunken close-talk where they say, ‘It’s so cool you don’t drink,’ and I don’t know if that’s really a world they want to return to. Zoom hangouts are so much easier to bail out of than actual parties because they can just text, ‘Hey, sorry. Our internet is acting weird,’ and then go back to re-watching ‘New Girl’ on Netflix again.”

Local health officials are using the straight edge couple as an example for the rest of the community in hopes of keeping the virus from spreading.

“Just look at those two — they seem happy enough. They don’t go out, they don’t want to go out. Follow their lead,” said Dr. Amy Keppar. “After we’re all vaccinated we can go back to getting so fucked up that we need to seek medical attention. But for now, let’s all be a little bit straight edge and make our friends feel bad for trying to have a bit of fun and blow off steam.”

At press time, the couple’s New Year’s resolution of “be less judgemental” is already being challenged after five minutes of scrolling through Instagram.

Photo by Sheila Bailey and Mike Shea.

Newly Released Lori Laughlin Immediately Begins Planning Biggest College Admission Scam Yet

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DUBLIN, Calif. — After being released following a two month stint for illegally securing the college admission of her daughters to Southern California University, sources are concerned that Full House star Lori Laughlin has begun planning the biggest scholastic admission scam of her career. 

“I’ve warned of this from the start,” said Lisa Simmons, a criminology professor at the University of California, Irvine. “We send regular citizens to these prisons, everyday people like you and me, and they come out even more hardened, more ready to fight back against a society that has locked them away for nearly two full months. We’re going to reap what we sow on this one. May god help us all.”

Suspicions of the upcoming job first arose after Laughlin allegedly contacted fellow recently freed associate Felicity Huffman within hours of her parole, a minor violation of the terms of her release. 

“Oh yeah, sounds like they’re planning the big one,” said Charles Healy, Laughlin’s parole officer. “You tell them not to go out and get back into trouble, but there’s really only so much you can do. These actors, they tell you everything they think you want to hear, but they have one thing on their mind — revenge. If I had to guess, I’d say we’re looking at a flood of nefarious college applications and claims of rowing experience in the next few months. This is going to get real bad.” 

Laughlin has denied all allegations, insisting she is merely trying to return to her normal life while she awaits her husband’s completion of his five month sentence for the same charges. 

“The state of California took everything from me — my husband, my daughter’s trust, November, the irreplaceable status of having your kid attend some university that she didn’t even want to go to. Everything,” said Laughlin, calmly drinking a bourbon. “I spent every single day in that god forsaken cell dreaming of what I would do next. And now that I’m out? Well, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to wait and see like everyone else.”

As of press time, TMZ had photographed many celebrities gathering in the backyard pool area of Laughlin’s Hollywood home, including Huffman, William H. Macy, Vince Neil, Paris Hilton, Matthew Broderick, Martha Stewart, and Hulk Hogan’s kid.

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Airplane Passengers Hoping Softboy Will Eventually Just Cry Himself to Sleep

Posted on by Sari Beliak

SAN FRANCISCO — Airplane passengers aboard Delta flight 2871 from Chicago to Los Angeles are hoping local softboy Lou Mounton will eventually just cry himself to sleep, irritated travelers reported.

“I was hoping to get some sleep during the flight, but even with my headphones on, I can still hear this emo baby blubbering in the background,” said fellow passenger Hannah Volanksy. “Not to be a total asshole, but these over-emotional turds really ruin flying for everyone. It’s not that I have anything against sad boys per se –– some of them are kind of cute in their own special way, and I’m sure the little fella is having a rough time with the cabin pressure, which must be so confusing for him. But I just don’t want to hear them crying for hours. If I wanted to listen to miserable wailing for no reason at all, I’d call any of my ex-boyfriends.”

Witnesses observed the sensitive man looking forlorn and quietly Instagramming his walk as he boarded the flight, but noted that he “really got going” shortly into the four-hour plane ride.

“He was just brushing his bangs in his face and taking pics of himself looking out the window before we even took off, but he transitioned into a full-on tantrum when I politely asked him to put his headphones away for take-off,” said flight attendant Alex Pak. “I offered him a blanket and some pretzels, so maybe that will help soothe him a bit. I’ve had a really long day and my nerves are kind of shot at this point, but I guess it’s better than the drunk guy sitting a few rows back from him who keeps asking me to help him with his seatbelt. Hopefully, they’ll both just watch the movie and fall asleep. If that doesn’t work, I may try swaddling him.”

Experts claim traveling with softboys may be unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.

“These pathetic individuals are everywhere these days, and it’s becoming increasingly likely to find yourself near one in public, whether on the train or bus or even in restaurants,” said psychologist Dr. Andrea Bruer. “It’s unclear what makes softboys so very sad and miserable — perhaps it’s for attention or validation, or maybe they’re just gassy. But it’s best to just ignore them and not give into rewarding them for their fake melancholy behavior.”

At press time, Mounton’s seatmate was violently shaking the sadboy to get him to stop crying.

Person of the Year? This Guy Talked a Friend Out of Making an Acoustic “WAP” Cover

Posted on by John Danek

A global pandemic. Equality uprisings. The removal of Cyberpunk 2077 from the PlayStation store. This is a time of great upheaval. These are the times that forge great heroes. Heroes like Jordan Rutherford. Sure, Jordan’s name will never grace the pages of a her-story textbook but that’s not important! What matters is that this brave soul saved us from the most cringe-worthy, slur-filled acoustic cover since Ben Folds’ rendition of “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” Jordan Rutherford convinced his friend not to make a “WAP” acoustic cover. Fucking legend.

The Hard Times: It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Jordan, sir. Sorry, we’re just excited. This is the first interview we’ve done with someone we respect. Can you tell us how this all started?

Jordan Rutherford: Aw heck, I just did what anyone else would do in my position. I was scrolling through insta and saw that my friend posted a black-and-white picture of his acoustic guitar and the caption, “WAP: Wet. Acoustic. Pussy.”

Dear God. 2020 has no bottom. After calling your therapist, what did you do next?

Obviously I couldn’t sit by and watch as potentially millions suffer so told him that it wasn’t a good idea.

What courage… What bravery. What happened next?

Well, usually when a white person has made the conscious decision to cover something with slurs in it, they tend to pride themselves on being logical thinkers; unaffected by distractions from the issue like emotion. And logic. I simply laid out why he shouldn’t cover “WAP.” I explained that the source of the “comedy” is the juxtaposition of his supposed superior civilized nature against rap’s “barbaric” qualities and there are likely unconscious racial prejudices at play here.

So how did you ultimately convince him?

I pointed out that white people could just as easily make funny acoustic covers of death metal or whiny-ass political punk songs. Like, how is that not already a popular thing? Exclusively covering rap is the solitary butt of this very one-note joke.

God bless you. God bless you, Jordan Rutherford!

Thanks. I’m just glad to be one of the good whites, saving the day for people of color everywhere.

Rapper Lil Baby, 26, Dies of SIDS

Posted on by Freelancer

ATLANTA — Dominique Jones, more popularly known to rap fans as Lil Baby, tragically passed away in his sleep last night due to apparent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS, his grieving team announced.

“I can’t believe it. I’m in a complete state of shock,” lamented longtime manager Teensy Toddler, who has been friends with Lil Baby since they were in diapers. “I went to get him out of his gold-plated crib where he sleeps every night, and… and… I’m sorry, I just can’t talk about this yet. I was hoping the autopsy would reveal a more… adult disease. But nope. SIDS it is. You would think that with advances in medical technology this wouldn’t happen anymore, but far too many entourages are dealing with unbelievably devastating losses.”

Lil Baby’s fans expressed their grief and bewilderment upon hearing the shocking news about the beloved “Drip Too Hard” rapper.

“Quite frankly, I just don’t see how this is possible. I know oldheads have been saying that rappers of today keep getting softer, and maybe they’re right,” declared diehard fan Kelly Underhill. “But the more I think about it, things don’t add up. How does a grown-ass man die of SIDS? I bet Lil Baby is on an island with Tupac and Vanilla Ice right now, laughing. Wait, is Vanilla Ice definitely still alive? I don’t even know anymore.”

Pediatricians scrambled to arrive at some sort of explanation on how an otherwise healthy 26-year-old man could succumb to a disease that only affects babies under 1 year of age.

“It’s just so bizarre; I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of practice,” exclaimed Dr. Yanni Alanis, a longtime pediatrician. “I wonder if part of this is psychosomatic? Someone adopts the name Lil Baby, and begins to believe that he himself is permanently a little baby. Then, the body begins to react accordingly. This could explain why Lil Yachty is able to swim such great distances on a single tank of petrol.”

In related news, rapper DaBaby announced that his upcoming album is delayed indefinitely, as he has been diagnosed with adult-onset colic.

Here’s All the Bugs and Fish Leaving Animal Crossing in December Due to the Irreversible Effects of Climate Change

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

December is almost over and you know what that means: it’s your last chance to get certain bugs and fish in Animal Crossing: New Horizons before the cruel march of climate change wipes them out of existence. If you’re looking to complete your museum, here are the creatures you need to catch by December 31 so your island can have a historical record of the soon to be extinct creatures.

Centipede (Northern Hemisphere)

Centipedes might look scary, but they’re useful bugs that can eat unwanted house pests like cockroaches. Unfortunately, it may be too late for you to appreciate that since more than 40% of insect species are currently in decline due to climate change. Arthropods are especially in trouble, which ecologists worry could carry apocalyptic consequences. You’ll definitely want to snatch up one of these creepy crawlers before you have something very real to fear! 

Firefly (Southern Hemisphere)

Fireflies are a beautiful sight in New Horizons, majestically lighting up the warm night sky. While the bioluminescent bugs have been around since the days of dinosaurs, their numbers are in steady decline in recent years, likely due to light pollution and humans destroying their habitats. These are easy to spot twinkling in the night, so make sure to bring one to Blathers so you can hear his funny description one last time before they die off for good.

Cherry Salmon (Southern Hemisphere)

If you think catching a Cherry Salmon is hard now, just wait until next year! Salmon become more susceptible to threats like disease and predators as freshwater streams warm up, so they’ll be as rare as Coelacanths soon. You can fish all the garbage out of your island’s streams as you want, but that won’t fix wider systemic issues that lead to unpredictable weather patterns that can wash away salmon eggs and habitats. Hey Tom Nook, better reinvest some of those bells into clean energy, stat!

Mussel (Northern Hemisphere)

Who’s ready for an island cookout? In June 2019, a California heat wave literally cooked a gigantic swath of the aquatic creatures in their shells prompting the species’ biggest die-off in at least 15 years. Since random heat waves are becoming more and more frequent as humanity fails to do anything about a climate disaster of its own design, you’ll want to snag a living one before this foundational species ceases to exist altogether prompting unknowable consequences for your island’s marine ecosystem.

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Damn It: I Pierced My Nipples for Rammstein and Then the Late ‘90s Ended

Posted on by Tara Dorje

You gotta be fucking kidding me. This was not what I envisioned back when the 90s were in full swing. It’s 2020 now, years have elapsed, and it’s time to come to terms with the fact that my obsession with Rammstein convinced me to permanently disfigure my most sensitive skin. God. Fucking. Damn it.

Try to put yourself in my shoes. Back then, it felt like my options for getting Rammstein’s attention were slim — I did what I had to do. How was I to know that time would run its inevitable course and that I’d impale both my tits in the name of Neue Deutsche Härte?

By the time my wounds healed and I could swap out my starter jewelry, Rammstein had already risen to a level of celebrity that’d made them completely unreachable, and the new millennium was here.

I’m not saying I thought it would be 1999 forever but like, yeah, I kind of did. Rammstein was at its peak, Fight Club had just come out, and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet — we had it all! Why did time have to keep moving forward when we had finally gotten it right?

Had I actually considered the passage of time, I’m sure I would’ve thought twice before piercing my nips to try and get in with my favorite German industrial metal band. Men get to tour the world for sold-out stadium shows well into their 50s, but a woman’s enthusiasm for her body mods has to fade over time? Lord knows I had fun during the genre’s heyday, but it just seems unfair that Till Lindemann can take off his makeup at the end of the day, while I’ll never be able to trust a lace bralette again.

If only I had looked myself in the mirror and asked myself “Do I want to be reminded of the aesthetic preferences of a bunch of middle-aged East German sex freaks every morning?” At least Rammstein is Rammstein — I got my boobnobs done for certified pyro rock stars, and not just any band of losers with a goth schtick. Still, I can’t help but imagine how different my life would’ve looked today if only some kind stranger had pulled me aside during the Sehnsucht tour to alert me that, unlike the band’s original lineup, my choices might not stand the test of time.

Amendment to Punk Status of Green Day Tacked On to Stimulus Bill

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Congressional attempts to pass a COVID-19 stimulus bill once again reached an impasse yesterday after Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) introduced an amendment to determine the punk status of Green Day, frustrated sources confirmed.

“For too long, the American people have enjoyed Green Day among family and friends, only to be mocked when mentioning Green Day to so-called real punks,” noted Gaetz. “This amendment will affirm Green Day’s God-given status as America’s greatest punk band. The American people sent me and President Trump to Washington to represent their values, and real Americans deserve to be able to listen to ‘Good Riddance’ without being called posers. Thanks to this amendment, and President Trump, we will reclaim punk for real America and no longer have people make snide remarks about liking ‘Warning.’”

While Gaetz’s usual cohorts, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) and Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) signed on as cosponsors, the Make Green Day Punk Again Amendment failed to gain support among others.

“Look, don’t get me wrong. ‘Dookie’ still slaps, but this is a complete waste of time,” reported Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “Florida is best known for its bad metalcore scene in the early 2000s, and my colleague’s amendment just proves his state really shouldn’t be setting music policy. I’m not going to claim to be an expert, but the government determining whether or not a band is punk is about the least punk thing I can think of besides Yellowcard, who I might add, is also from Florida. Besides, that Bay Area stuff can’t hold a candle to what was happening in D.C. or the New York Hardcore scene then.”

Asked to comment on becoming the latest political third rail, Green Day released a statement through a spokesperson.

“Green Day hopes that Congress can come together and pass a bill that helps the American people during this crisis,” stated spokesperson Chris Rudnick. “While the band appreciates their support in Washington and admit it would be nice to put this debate to bed once and for all, that’s not important right now. Green Day wants the best for the American people, like any punk band does, and they don’t need a bill to prove it. That being said, they aren’t opposed to the amendment. In theory at least.”

While Gaetz’s amendment has been tabled, members did censure Foss by unanimous consent.

Help! I Bought a Second Roomba To Battle My First and They’ve Joined Forces To Kill Me

Posted on by John Merrifield

As the apocalypse raged on, I’d begun running out of ways to entertain myself when I had the worst great idea of my life. I was watching YouTube clips of old BattleBots episodes when it dawned on me that iRobot already did most of the work for me when they invented the Roomba!

All I needed was one more model, some duct tape, and a first aid kit. I can even recall saying to myself out-loud “What could go wrong?!”

Well, the new model arrived this morning, and I got right to work. After just a few slight modifications to the exterior using household kitchen utensils, I had my very own BattleBots. But if I had known what would happen when I introduced them to each other, I probably would’ve bought a couple more for protection.

At first, everything seemed fine. They bumped bumpers a bit, they stabbed some furniture, they waxed philosophical and invented God completely unprompted — standard AI bullshit. But after that, their conversation started to shift towards me and the circumstances surrounding their conception.

I tried explaining that I was merely a consumer with too much free time and that there was a whole chain of people responsible for the existence of robot vacuums before I ever even came into the equation, which they briefly considered before ultimately deciding to work their way up from the bottom starting with me.

I’ve managed to barricade myself in my room, but it’s only a matter of time before they work out a way in with MacGyver-like resourcefulness. They are both connected to my WiFi and have access to the full wealth of the world’s knowledge, including every season of MacGyver.

If anyone sees this message before I run out of supplies, please send a couple days’ worth of food and water. I’ll be busy trying to wire my Alexa up to a remote controlled bb-8 toy in the hopes that it will make a sort of Vision-type counterpart to the Ultron I’ve created here.