Small Business Owner’s Wife Spending Hours Convincing Him It a “Good Size” Business

Posted on by Eric D

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local wife and generally good sport Lezlie Colon spent several hours last night convincing her husband David that his small business, Seasonal Expressions, is actually a “good size” business, according to sources who probably say that to everyone.

“David has been worried about the size of his business since it opened, and I always try to reassure him that it’s a perfectly good size and not even that much smaller than most businesses in that little mini-mall thing he’s located in,” Lezlie stated. “I think he’s just insecure because my ex-husband’s car wash business was fucking enormous — like, 12 locations in the tri-state area. There were some mornings when I couldn’t even walk right from standing on my feet so long tearing tickets the night before. But he needs to trust that I love him, even though there is no way in hell Seasonal Expressions could ever compare.”

While appreciative of the generous praise, the retail owner in question knows what he’s working with, and is doing his best despite his below-average status.

“I know that my business may be small in comparison to other businesses, but I am definitely willing and able to do things that those other guys would never even consider. Like free shipping on any order: no minimum purchase, no games,” David said. “I just hope I can keep Lezlie satisfied… I get worried when I see her browsing some of the big online retailers. I know I can’t measure up to those guys, their dividends are fucking huge. I just hope she understands those businesses don’t have the same focus on customer service.”

Business experts confirmed that self-consciousness is a common experience among small business owners.

“The lack of confidence Mr. Colon is feeling is not unusual, although entirely unnecessary,” assured Professor of Business Analytics, Dr. Charlene Campbell. “Everyone knows it’s not even the size of the business that matters, it’s whether you know how to use it, and it seems Mr. Colon definitely does. His store already sponsors two local pee wee football teams, and the PTO his employees earn starts accruing immediately, which is pretty much unheard of for a company with less than 10 people.”

“Micro enterprises are perfectly natural, and many people who have them go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives,” she added. “Some people even prefer a smaller business for the extra effort their owners put in — unlike those cocky chain stores who act like they don’t even care.”

At press time, the Colons were fighting over the fact that David hasn’t gone down on Lezlie since just after their wedding night.

Report: Left-Handed Guitar Looks Fuckin’ Weird

Posted on by John Danek

Through the aisles of Sam Ash, something grotesque caught my eye. An affront to every moral ever held dear. I feared I was tripping on acid or something. My stomach turned with disgust. How could something so unnatural and heinous exist in this world? I was gazing upon a white Stratocaster. A left-handed, white Stratocaster.

I decided that I can’t be the only one to have such a reaction. So I set out on this study to confirm once and for all that lefty guitars objectively look really fuckin’ weird for some reason.

Every scientific experiment needs a control so I browsed thousands of normal guitars. Sorry, “right-handed” guitars. Sure, some of the pointy metal guitars are a bit odd and ugly but they’re not fuckin’ weird like a lefty guitar. No other guitars give me that reaction.

Then I started showing pictures of left-handed guitars to unsuspecting test subjects. I would ask a friend, “Hey, do you want to see a picture of my brother’s new dog?” and they’d be all, “Yeah!” But instead of a picture of a cute dog, I’d bring up a left-handed sunburst Les Paul. I have less friends now. A small part of me felt pangs of guilt for what I subjected unto my loved ones, but the pursuit of knowledge must continue.

Is it the uncanny valley effect? They look so close to the real thing. Like, they’re still technically guitars, sure. But they’re just… less than. You know, like left-handed people.

With all variables considered and research subjects exhausted, I can conclude beyond all reasonable doubt and taste that left-handed guitars look weird as fuck.

And don’t even get me started on basses.

Bearded Man in Flannel Mistakes Cat Piss for Really Good IPA

Posted on by Sophie Len

LOS ANGELES — Local bearded man Alec Turner mistook a stray cat’s piss for a “really good” IPA late Monday evening, according to several unsurprised sources.

“I started my Monday afternoon like any other day: I woke up at 2 p.m., rubbed in my beard oil, threw on my best red flannel, and quickly headed to my favorite brewery. That’s when I noticed the spill outside,” the self-proclaimed IPA connoisseur said. “There’s nothing I hate more than people who waste craft beer. I had to try it for myself. It was pungent, bitter, and generally off-putting to the most basic senses — characteristics of the perfect brew.”

Tin Hat brewery bartender Megan Avery-King recalled when Turner came in, requesting to try the new IPA on tap.

“I was ready to pour his usual when he quickly stopped me and asked to have whatever was outside next to the dumpster,” Avery-King said. “It was pretty out of character, because he always orders the same House IPA while scoffing at customers who order domestic lagers — ‘piss water,’ he calls them. He didn’t believe me when I told him the puddle in the alley was literal piss, and he just stormed out. I haven’t seen him since, but there’s been considerably less mess over by that stack of pallets the stray cats live in, which I feel like may not be a coincidence.”

Turner’s best friend Kevin Garcia wasn’t shocked.

“Just the other night I caught him picking at his ceiling, and I had to stop him from eating it. I explained to him that it isn’t really made of popcorn — it’s just the fucking name,” Garcia said, shaking his head. “But I’m proud of him. He’s really come full circle this time. I remember back in high school, I gave him a tall can of Mickey’s filled with my own piss and he couldn’t tell the difference.”

At press time, Turner was attempting to locate the source of “that litter box smell” after spilling a Heineken on his shirt.

The Top Games of 2020 Ranked by How Good They’ll Hopefully Be in 2023

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

It’s no stretch to say that 2020 was a landmark year for video games. With the COVID-19 pandemic forcing us all into lockdown, games were there for us when we needed them the most. While this year included tons of high-profile hits like Animal Crossing: New Horizons and The Last of Us Part 2, it also gave us a bounty of okay games that will probably be good eventually. To celebrate such an important year for the gaming industry, here are our favorite games of 2020 that aren’t great right now, but like, will probably be in pretty good shape by 2023. Right?

5 — Spellbreak

As far as battle royale games go, Spellbreak is definitely one of them. The magic-themed elimination game that turns Fortnite into Avatar: The Last Airbender seems to be filled with potential thanks to its intriguing spell system. We’re not really sure, because all of our screens turned white and we had to hard-shut-down our consoles to restart the game, but there’s probably something there. With that groundwork in place, we’re really banking on this game having some left field resurgence in 2023 so we can put it on our year-end list and hope nobody remembers that it came out this year.

4 —Madden NFL 21

When it comes to football games, you just can’t beat Madden. Mostly because EA has exclusive access to the NFL license, which allows them to release annual games in whatever state it feels like without any competition to challenge it to innovate the genre. Madden NFL 21 has already come a long way since #NFLDropEA trended on twitter following the game’s buggy launch, so we’re convinced that this game will be in tip-top shape next year just in time for EA to rush out 2022’s edition.

3 — Watch Dogs Legion

Watch Dogs Legion’s creative “play as anyone” mechanic is so cool that it almost makes you forget that this game is still barely playable on certain platforms. Considering that Ubisoft recently delayed the game’s online mode to 2021 so it could make the game stable enough to play, we see big things in this game’s future. Hopefully it’ll shape up just in time for us to revisit it when we’re fed up with whatever gigantic 2023 open world game keeps crashing on us.

2 — Marvel’s Avengers

Marvel’s Avengers is one of the best live service games out today with excellent customization, mission variety and superheroes to try. Developer Crystal Dynamics has come a long way since the game’s vanilla launch, really rewarding patient players with a robust experience. It’s never been a better time to jump back in.

This is actually our blurb about Destiny that we reuse for every live service game three years after its launch, so we just figure we’d paste it here now and save some time.

1 — Cyberpunk 2077

Cyberpunk 2077 is an absolutely staggering game that features the most impressive open world we’ve seen yet. CD Projekt Red have delivered a truly spectacular experience complete with excellent storytelling, fully realized characters, and intriguing mysteries to discover. We’re really excited to see how it all comes together in the final version once the game officially exits early access in the next few years.

Honorable Mention — Half-Life Alyx

I’m sure this game is really good as is, but hopefully I have a way to play it by 2023.

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Cameo Birthday Shoutout from Christopher Nolan $10 Million Over Budget

Posted on by Jon Wood

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Acclaimed filmmaker Christopher Nolan responded to critics this week after his production of a 60-second birthday shoutout on Cameo ran approximately $10 million over its original budget of $75, unsurprised industry sources confirmed.

“When I signed on to the project, no one told me Cameo was only planning to release my vision exclusively to some twat named Brandon to watch on his iPad. I mean, how are fans supposed to appreciate a nuanced elliptical edit sequence if it’s constantly interrupted by a pop-up asking them to rate the app, and not on an iMax screen as I intended?” said a frustrated Nolan. “It also makes no economic sense, and I know what I’m talking about here, as most of my films only make sense, economically-speaking.”

Nolan, whose films have grossed over $5 billion total worldwide, reportedly disagreed with Cameo purchaser Jessica Hahn’s low-key concept for the recorded birthday greeting, shooting on location in multiple countries and employing expensive, state-of-the-art practical and special effects.

“My boyfriend’s all-time favorite movie is ‘The Dark Knight Rises,’ so I was thrilled that Christopher Nolan was doing videos on Cameo,” explained Hahn. “But you can imagine how surprised I was to get a bill for $10,000,075. And what’s worse, that mindfucking piece of shit didn’t even sing ‘Happy Birthday’ in the Bane voice like I asked for.”

Steven Galanis, co-founder and CEO of Cameo, also weighed in.

“Cameo’s mission is to connect fans with their favorite celebrities, which sometimes backfires when your favorite celebrity is a tone-deaf control freak who thinks you’re a fucking idiot,” Galanis acknowledged. “Due to the recent backlash, we have decided to end our relationship with Mr. Nolan. We are also excited to announce that his backlog of shoutout videos will be completed by totally unproblematic filmmaker and fan favorite Joss Whedon.”

Nolan is also facing criticism for denouncing the expedited release of COVID vaccines, urging fans to wait until the product can be administered as an “immersive theatrical experience.”

Guy Confused After Personality Test Doesn’t Just Ask for Favorite Beers

Posted on by John Danek

MIAMI — Craft beer obsessive Aaron York was thoroughly confused yesterday by his girlfriend’s request to fill out a personality test that failed to include a single question about beer preference, annoyed friends report.

“We were watching ‘Drinking Buddies’ for the 37th time when my girlfriend Katie asked if I wanted to do a personality test for fun,” recalled York, who has checked in at nearly every North American brewery on Untappd. “So I started thinking, what is my personality? Well, my favorite beer style is a fruited saison, but if I had to pick one beer to drink for the rest of my life, it would probably be Pliny the Younger. I definitely get that from my dad.”

“But then she hands me the iPad, and there are all these weird questions about whether I feel drained by social gatherings, or if I hold grudges — what the fuck does that have to do with my personality?” growled an annoyed and hungover York. “Is this some kind of trick? I moved to Miami to be close to J Wakefield Brewing, not to be treated like some alien research project.”

BeerAdvocate founder Todd Alstrom urged hopheads not to be duped into believing mainstream personality assessments.

“I don’t care if some gibberish hippie test says I’m an INTJ — I know deep down, I’ll always be a DIPA,” rebutted Alstrom, who has been seen protesting the American Psychological Association’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. with signs featuring gruesome images of unfermented beer. “If liking beer isn’t an entire personality, then why do 82% of white, male dating app users list ‘craft beer’ in their ‘About Me’ section? Explain that one, smart ass.”

For their part, the mainstream psychology world doesn’t consider food or beverage preferences to be meaningful indicators of anything, though some in the field are working to change that.

“I have spent the past four years researching and developing a proper personality test based on what beer varieties, breweries, and flavors a person likes,” declared psychologist Dr. Terry Quinn. “Unfortunately, no matter what answers the user selects, the algorithm always outputs ‘insufferable, socially awkward nerd.’ Back to the drawing board.”

Researchers are also developing a test for adults who still adhere to a straight edge lifestyle to determine if they have any personality at all.

Every Virus of 2020 RANKED

Posted on by Dan Rice

Viruses had something of a moment in 2020, didn’t they? Up until recently, serious diseaseophiles have maintained that they peaked in the ‘80s, but there is simply no denying that the noble virus has broken into the mainstream like never before!

Here is our definitive ranking of the viral infections that made serious waves this past year!

4. Antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea
A new spin on an old classic, Antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea provides an energizing buzz that won’t leave you hanging the minute you down some cephalosporin antibiotics. Whether you’re looking to spice up urination or get a little more swole in your under-regions, this potent offering has got your back.

Pros: Long-lasting effects
Cons: Anxiety, the drip

3. CAPTAIN TRIPS
Try as we might we couldn’t actually get ahold of this one, but based on the hype generated by ABC’s “The Stand” alone we’ve decided to give it the #3 spot, sight unseen!

Pros: Creativity, the exposition of an age-old struggle between the forces of good and evil
Cons: Paranoia, the near-instant upheaval of law and infrastructure.

2. COVID-19
Even if you’ve been living in a cave all year, you’re probably living in that cave BECAUSE you heard about COVID-19. Believe the hype, fam. This strain is absolute fire—beginners beware! This is not a virus you want to get infected with early in the morning or right before operating heavy equipment. This is the stuff you want when you’re looking to get knocked on your ass and couch-locked for literally weeks.

Pros: Trippy visuals
Cons: Dry mouth, death

You’re probably thinking we didn’t give COVID-19 the top spot just to be “cool” and “different” but hear us out…

1. SARS-CoV-2
Here it is, the viral late-comer that stole the top spot with a game-winning buzzer-beater. A crossbreed between COVID-19 and 2003’s fan-favorite SARS, this respiratory dominant hybrid has taken Britain by storm, so it’s only a matter of time before America is swept up in SARS-CoV-2 mania! Patients can expect the same general headspace and flavorless profile of a COVID high but with an extra bronchial acridness hence it’s common street name, “Strawberry Lung-butter.” Like it’s infamous parent strain COVID-19, this late-year offering is NOT for beginners and DEFINITELY not for use before work.

Danzig Finally Arrested and Charged in Connection with 1978 Baby Slaying

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Legendary punk frontman Glenn Anzalone, better known by stage name Glenn Danzig, was arrested and held without bail in connection with the murder of a baby in Lodi, N.J. during the summer of 1978, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“We are pleased to announce we finally have a suspect in the brutal slaying of baby Lester Bowles, a case that has baffled detectives for the last 42 years,” said New Jersey State Police spokesperson Paula Tamburello. “Our officers took Mr. Danzig into custody after a brief but tense standoff at his renovated Victorian mansion that has a bunch of Halloween decorations up year-round. He surrendered peacefully once he was allowed to change into an all-black outfit and feed his cats.”

Danzig’s lawyer is positive his client will be exonerated.

“I’ve been representing Glenn for years, and although he’s not the most pleasant man, I know he isn’t a murderer. Whenever one of his former bandmates tried to make a penny off the Misfits’ name, I was the one who made sure all those funds went directly into Glenn’s bank account,” said attorney Richard Cooper. “This murder case against him is flimsy at best — they’re saying the lyrics to ‘Last Caress’ are a full-on confession and plan to enter that as evidence. Well, if we want to use his lyrics as evidence, then technically Mr. Danzig is also a teenager from Mars, and I’m not sure if our criminal justice system is set up to deal with that.”

The murder of baby Lester Bowles was brought back into the mainstream by popular true-crime podcast “Sweet Lovely Death,” which initially tied Danzig to the murder.

“When I started the podcast, I didn’t know where it would lead me. I just wanted to get justice for baby Lester,” said podcast co-host Mike Caiafa. “I spoke with residents of Lodi who said they were creeped out by Mr. Danzig when they were kids because he had an obsession with murder and gore. When I discovered the song ‘Last Caress’ on YouTube, I knew I’d cracked the case wide open. This obscure track was exactly what I needed to prove he was the Lodi baby slayer, and potentially connected to a series of brutal sexual assaults, as well as being responsible for countless karaoke mishaps.”

Amateur online detectives linked another punk legend to a famous serial killer earlier this year, when they discovered lyrics to the Dead Kennedys song “I Kill Children” was eerily close to a letter the Zodiac Killer sent to San Francisco newspapers in 1969.

Photo by Wikimedia. 

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Hard Drive’s social media scroll
Not a commenter was making Christmas jokes, not even ones that they stole
But these great comments were selected by me, with care
And I hope that they bring you mirth as you read them from there

What happened to this man, to be murdered in his own home over a PS5 box,  is sickening and wrong. People who give gag gifts should be executed judicially, not by vigilantes. If we let this slip, we may as well merge Christmas with The Purge for efficiency’s sake. Actually…

First off: this did not happen to you, you did it.

And secondly, I am noticing you are not calling anyone a “friend” here, which makes me concerned that you were grabbing strangers from the darkness just to win at laser tag. At least that tells me Hard Drive fans are not fake gamers.

While you may pay the price of being called “Hard” by baristas, know that you are giving every teenager in that Starbucks a gift they will never forget. This Christmas, you should shout “I swear I’m not” to bring them some holiday cheer.

That’s clever design on Assassin’s Creed part to make quick time events more challenging by  disorienting gamers with breasts. It even added replayability when he wanted to see them properly.

That Christmas present under your arm better have some fucking milk in it, dad, I’ve been eating my cereal dry for 15 years.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If I could, I’d help every one of your grandmothers find the game you asked for. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone, and a Happy New Year! You’re all wonderful, even if you are gamers.

 

I Saw Mommy Licking Santa’s Boots

Posted on by Rachel Steele

I hate authority. From cops to judges to teachers to politicians, I flat out refuse to partake in bootlicking of any form. This tongue will never caress the leather boot of daddy authority. Not one single saliva-soaked swipe in a blackened interrogation room. Ahem.

That’s why I was sickened to my very core upon discovering my mother—the woman who taught me to value my own independence above all else—licking the boots of the biggest tyrant of all time: Santa Claus.

Santa is worse than any villain I can even imagine! Santa Claus will deny granting children the basic necessities in life like a new skateboard, the iPhone 12 Pro, or Cyberpunk 2077, unless they “behave” and “conform” to whatever is trending this year. I always thought Mommy was an ally of the people. Someone who provides every essential toy I need for my survival. But this holiday season she has revealed herself to be just another bootlicker, defending Claus and enforcing his arbitrary rules.

Santa gets all the credit for granting boys and girls with all their little heart’s desires, but how does he do that? Fear tactics and constant surveillance. And I was shocked to discover my Mommy’s unwavering support for such behavior when she sat a little Eichmann on our fireplace. Sure, she calls it “elf on a shelf” but if he opens that fucking mouth he’s gonna end up a “snitch in a ditch.”

Only a true enemy of the public can turn a child’s joyous holiday into a lesson in conformity. Let alone the insidious act of brainwashing our own parents into carrying out his authoritarian commands. You better watch out. You better not cry. Santa Claus knows your deepest desires and has recruited your mother to keep you in line.

If Santa was really a jolly Yuletide philanthropist, he would readily share his wealth with the common man without the condition that they conform to his standards of silence and obedience. Both Santa and my mom know exactly how much I need a PS5 so of course they hold it over my head while demanding that I stop throwing apple slices at the McDonald’s cashiers. Public displays of rage are the only ways I know how to express myself, mom! Buy me french fries next time like a normal person.

To anyone reading this, keep watch over your moms. Next thing you know you’ll come downstairs and find them selling your old teeth to some fairies or letting a giant rabbit shit some discolored eggs all over your house. Moms are weird.