MIAMI — Craft beer obsessive Aaron York was thoroughly confused yesterday by his girlfriend’s request to fill out a personality test that failed to include a single question about beer preference, annoyed friends report.
“We were watching ‘Drinking Buddies’ for the 37th time when my girlfriend Katie asked if I wanted to do a personality test for fun,” recalled York, who has checked in at nearly every North American brewery on Untappd. “So I started thinking, what is my personality? Well, my favorite beer style is a fruited saison, but if I had to pick one beer to drink for the rest of my life, it would probably be Pliny the Younger. I definitely get that from my dad.”
“But then she hands me the iPad, and there are all these weird questions about whether I feel drained by social gatherings, or if I hold grudges — what the fuck does that have to do with my personality?” growled an annoyed and hungover York. “Is this some kind of trick? I moved to Miami to be close to J Wakefield Brewing, not to be treated like some alien research project.”
BeerAdvocate founder Todd Alstrom urged hopheads not to be duped into believing mainstream personality assessments.
“I don’t care if some gibberish hippie test says I’m an INTJ — I know deep down, I’ll always be a DIPA,” rebutted Alstrom, who has been seen protesting the American Psychological Association’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. with signs featuring gruesome images of unfermented beer. “If liking beer isn’t an entire personality, then why do 82% of white, male dating app users list ‘craft beer’ in their ‘About Me’ section? Explain that one, smart ass.”
For their part, the mainstream psychology world doesn’t consider food or beverage preferences to be meaningful indicators of anything, though some in the field are working to change that.
“I have spent the past four years researching and developing a proper personality test based on what beer varieties, breweries, and flavors a person likes,” declared psychologist Dr. Terry Quinn. “Unfortunately, no matter what answers the user selects, the algorithm always outputs ‘insufferable, socially awkward nerd.’ Back to the drawing board.”
Researchers are also developing a test for adults who still adhere to a straight edge lifestyle to determine if they have any personality at all.