BREAKING: Dad Likes Commercial

Posted on by Zac Lux

CHEEKTOWAGA, N.Y. — Local dad Steven Vuong interrupted a heartfelt conversation early yesterday evening to let family members know he liked a commercial that was playing on the living room television, stunned relatives confirmed.

“For the first time in years, we were having a decent conversation over tea after dinner,” said daughter Alyssa Vuong. “I finally felt comfortable enough to talk with my aunt about some of the struggles I’ve been having recently, and she even opened up to commiserate with the experiences of her youth. But then a GEICO commercial came on — the one with the camel at the office — and my dad yelled for everyone to ‘come look’ and turned the volume almost all the way up.”

“I totally lost my train of thought after that,” she added. “I just sat and watched the rest of cut-for-TV ‘Lethal Weapon 2,’ which we have on Blu-Ray. I have no idea why we were watching it with commercial breaks in the first place.”

According to Banks’ ex-wife, this has been occurring more and more frequently over the past few years, jumping by about 80% during football season.

“It was getting to be too much. I never knew when he was talking to me or reacting to the TV,” said ex-wife Kyleen Porter. “When it came to the divorce, we could barely get through our legal meetings without him interrupting the lawyer to say he thought the billboard outside his office was clever, even though he saw it every time, and said the same thing each time we went there. It’s concerning, really. He needs to seek help.”

Advertising executives claim their target demographic of dads, pop-pops, and guys who aren’t technically married into the family but have been around since anyone can remember, is one of the most distractible and therefore most lucrative.

“Nothing holds a candle to the performance of the dad demographic. We yield such high profits through those campaigns to want to explore anything else,” said Damien Kirkley, CCO at Rolling Boulder Media. “Sure, it’s a shame that it might damage some families due to the focus shift from loved ones to a shitty commercial, over and over again, minute to minute. But it’s not as bad a shame of missing out on hitting those sweet, sweet record-setting profits.”

Mr. Vuong was too preoccupied with chortling at a State Farm commercial to comment.

Opinion: If “Die Hard” Is a Christmas Movie, Why Doesn’t Bruce Willis Marry Alan Rickman at the End

Posted on by John Sevigne

The debate over whether or not “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie has escalated over the last few holiday seasons and after years of analysis what I’ve concluded is this: It could have been. By all accounts, it even should have been, but for some confounding reason John McClane and Hans Gruber do not wind up together romantically at the end.

Sure, it basically follows the identical formula of any other feel-good Hallmark-style holiday flick: Joe everyman visits over-worked wife to rekindle romance after a holiday party. European terrorists take over the office building. A sleazy coked-out businessman gets murdered after smooth-talking the handsome terrorist leader. The dad cop from “Family Matters” saves the day.

All of the elements are there. So why didn’t they seal the deal?

The way John reacts when he first hears Hans’s voice makes me swoon every time, and yet scene after scene the overwhelmingly blatant sexual tension between John McClane and Hans Gruber never comes to fruition.

Holly Gennero ceases to exist in John’s mind as he slithers through the ventilation system trying to make his way to Daddy Gruber. All John can think about is getting to his captor, teasing him by spray painting “ho ho ho” on a dead body. Playing hard to get unfortunately doesn’t pay off for these war-torn lovers.

At no point does Gruber look around at his henchman and say “None of you would walk barefoot on broken glass just to be with me” before sprinting towards the man he is clearly meant to be with. Any other Christmas movie would see these two men kiss under the mistletoe, then have the camera pan out to reveal a wedding party made up of everyone we’ve met so far who wasn’t brutally slain.

“Die Hard” is, at its core, the story of two men trying to make Christmas special. One attempts this by rekindling his failed marriage and the other by committing an elaborate heist. They have their differences sure, but if we follow the formula that should only bring them closer together!

“Die Hard” is a wonderful movie in its own right but if you’re looking for holiday magic this year it’s best to stick with more traditional Christmas offerings like “Batman Returns,” “Lethal Weapon,” or “Eyes Wide Shut.”

Mother Buys Adult Son Pack of Underwear From Favorite Cam Girl

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ROANOKE, Va. — Local mother Jodi Forenza fulfilled her 26-year-old son Tony’s Christmas wish by purchasing him a three-pack of soiled underwear from his favorite cam girl, slightly disturbed sources confirmed.

“Tony is nearly impossible to shop for, so I had him make me a list of potential gifts he wanted or could use around his apartment,” said the thoughtful matriarch. “Initially he asked me to just buy his internet girlfriend some gifts on her Amazon wishlist on his behalf, but there’s no fun in that. So I did what any good mother would do: I paid $300 for a pack of her used underwear. I even got the upgraded package, where she would wear each pair of panties for an extra two days. You should’ve seen the look on Tony’s face when he opened those — it was like when his father bought him a bike, Nintendo, and baseball glove all rolled into one. Wait ‘til he sees what’s in his stocking.”

The recipient of the gift believes this is the most thoughtful present he’s ever received.

“These are the most pungent pair I’ve ever gotten from anyone — it’s just such a much-needed pick me up at the ass-end of a shit year. I’m not sure what my mother did to get this extra treatment, but I don’t know if I could ever go back to used socks or bags of spit after this,” said the Fornezas’ only son. “I could smell these things through the box and wrapping paper; that’s when you know you really hit the jackpot. I can’t wait to show all my friends. They’re going to be so stinkin’ jealous.”

Candi Maddoxxx, the cam girl who provided the undergarments, is happy to provide so much cheer around Christmas.

“It makes my day when I get messages from parents saying that their grown-up kids love the gifts from my online store, and I like to provide a little extra when I can,” said Maddoxxx. “Tony has subbed to my OnlyFans from the start, and when his mom reached out, I made sure to throw some toenail clippings and a couple of lollipops that I stuck in my vagina — I couldn’t say no. I’m sure he’s going to send me a really graphic message about how much he jerked off to the gifts, and that’s how I know they made an impact.”

At press time, the entire Forenza family reported they had been banned from Instagram for supporting sex workers.

Kid Who Asked for Console Gets Lump of Coal With “Get a PC” Written on It

Posted on by Andy Holt

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local gamer Madison Sutton, 12, hoped to find a PS5 video game console under the Christmas tree this morning, but instead received a lump of coal in her stocking with “Get a PC” written on it.

“Most of my games are okay on the PS4, but I saw the new graphics for Miles Morales and it made me really want the PS5. Guess that’s not happening,” said Sutton, who also asked for a ring light and Razor scooter. “Oh well, I can still play it on the PS4 and have a good time.”

When reached for comment, noted PC user Kris Kringle defended his decision.

“That kid is dumb as shit. Even a mid-tier PC is going to get you better performance than one of those shitty boxes, and that’s before you even factor in the ability to mod,” said Kringle, citing the benchmark numbers on his custom rig. “Everybody who buys a console is contributing to the deterioration of video games. That puts them on the naughty list for sure.”

Kringle dismissed claims that consoles were a simpler solution for gamers who prefer them, and that their mix of value and performance was plenty for most people.

“I don’t have time to tell you why you’re wrong, so here,” Kringle said, supplying a link to a PC-building subreddit where he was a frequent poster. “Read the sticky and don’t ask any stupid questions. Also, remember: the rules on the sidebar are not suggestions.”

Kringle confirmed that gamers who ordered pre-built PCs would remain on the nice list for now, but that they were “on thin fucking ice.”

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Will It Even Feel Like Christmas if I Can’t Sit With My Family in Total Silence While My Father Watches TV and Drinks Bourbon?

Posted on by James Knapp

The Covid-19 pandemic has drastically altered how we celebrate special occasions with our loved ones and now that’s it’s impacted me personally, I’m no longer able to take it in stride. See, the Christmas season is very dear to my family. Rife with traditions. But as the big day approaches, I can’t shake this feeling that it won’t truly be Christmas if I can’t experience those traditions. Particularly, the time-honored tradition of standing stoically in my parent’s kitchen while my father drinks a bottle of Jim Beam in front of the TV.

Every year was the same, beautiful ritual. My brother sets up his model train set around the Christmas tree, my mom spends all day whipping up her famous deviled egg casserole, and my father sits in his recliner in a pair of greasy sweatpants and emotionlessly watches “A Christmas Carol” on a constant loop. Technology is nice and all, but it just doesn’t feel the same over a Zoom chat. Same with all the funerals.

I have so many fond memories from my childhood. Staring down at my parents living room carpet in complete silence, waiting to hear the clinking of ice when my dad shook his empty tumbler indicating he’s ready for another “Big Jimmy.” It was like a game for us. We would run so fast to get him more economy brand whiskey before the commercials were over. It was such a rush. Like skydiving. Or the feeling that something terrible would happen to us if we didn’t immediately do what he said.

Every year, my whole family still gathers on Christmas day to sit down at our dining room table and lovingly avoid eye contact while listening to the faint sound of ESPN playing on the old Panasonic in the den. And now with the worsening coronavirus pandemic, as well as my dad’s escalating liver disease, I’m worried I may never be able to experience that wholesome Hallmark moment again.

But I suppose this is what needs to be done if we want to keep our loved ones safe. With any luck, this will all be over by next Christmas and I’ll be able to bathe in the warmth of my beloved family’s collective thousand-yard stare, while the festive scent of barrel-aged corn whiskey wafts through the air. It’s nights like these the song “Silent Night” is about.

$35 Kroger Gift Card to Absolutely Crush at Christmas This Year

Posted on by Krissy Howard

LEWISBURG, W.V. — A $35 gift card for the Kroger grocery store chain, courtesy of local mamaw Juanita Crabb, is expected to supersede all other gifts this Christmas, sources on the brink of eviction confirmed.

“She’s always been a little hard to shop for, and most years I don’t even get a card or a phone call saying thank you or Merry Christmas or anything,” Crabb said of her granddaughter, Kayla Frye. “But this year she called me up bright and early, saying a bunch of stuff about it being a ‘lifesaver,’ and I’m pretty sure I even heard her crying at one point, bless her heart. It’s probably because of the gloves/hat/ear warmer set… or maybe from the two calendars I tossed in that the VFW sent me for my annual donation. This year it was an American birds theme, and I know how much she loved little birds as a kid.”

Indeed, Frye could barely contain her gratitude for the practical gift, which will be used to keep her and her three-year-old son, Matthew, alive for a few more days.

“Honestly, a ride to the food bank would have been enough right now since I can never get there on time during work, but $35 to spend on whatever groceries I need? I feel like I won the fucking lottery,” a near-frantic Frye stated before asking what day it is. “Plus, going to the grocery store is pretty much the only social thing I really do anymore. It’ll be so nice to walk in there and just have my pick of anything I want, as long as it’s under $35 before tax, has a shelf life of at least two years, and ideally isn’t already WIC approved.”

The card in question, which has long been dismissed as a “bullshit present” typically reserved for secret Santa gift exchanges and holiday bonuses from companies who “clearly don’t care about us,” is reveling in its moment.

“For far too long, my kind have been written off as ‘insincere’ or ‘lazy,’ but I knew that someday, our time would come. And the holiday season in this year of our Lord, 2020, is that time,” said the gift card, which has no set date of expiration, but is not eligible for fuel rewards. “Shout out to my Visa gift card brothers and sisters out there — this year is gonna be one for the books, that’s for sure. Maybe when this is all over we can get together, burn a Nintendo Switch, and piss on the ashes!”

Various gift cards and certificates of store credit across the country who were previously traded for weed are currently in desperate negotiations to return to their former owners.

We Ask Immortal Sprite Santa Claus How He’ll Spend Eternity After the Sun Burns Out and All Humans Are Dead

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Of all the questions that children and children at heart have for the jolly old elf St. Nicholas, number one has to be “as an immortal, how will you spend eternity after the sun burns out, all humans perish, and there’s no one left to whom you can deliver presents?”

We headed down to the local shopping mall, hopped onto Pere Noels’ thick, squishy lap, and posed the question to the big bearded fellow himself.

SANTA: Ho-ho-ho, you’re a tall one aren’t ya kiddo? 
THE HARD TIMESs: Hi Santa, I’m actually an adult reporter for The Hard Times, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing a quick interview.
Oh-ho-ho I fucking love The Hard Times! Ask away! 
Dope. So like, you’re immortal, right? 
That’s right, Santa is forever! 
Have you ever thought about what you’re going to do with the rest of eternity when you inevitably outlive all life in the universe? 
Oh-ho-ho, it’s never far from my thoughts! 
So what’s your game plan? 
Well, obviously I’d lie to the elves and have them continue making toys as if all is well. I figure that little fib will buy me a few centuries. But eventually, a violent sect of elfin fanatics will seek revenge against Santa. Those little fuckers can make a dozen PS5s with their eyes closed, so crafting a pressure cooker bomb will be nothing for them. 
But they can’t kill you, right?
Santa can’t die but boy can he feel pain, Oh-ho-ho! 
Well, at least you won’t be completely alone. Is Mrs. Claus immortal too? 
Oh yeah, she’ll live forever, but our marriage has been dead for a long time! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Really? You guys seem so happy in movies and TV and stuff. 
Sure we keep appearances, but our relationship at it’s core is a house of cards, oh-ho-ho! I think she loves the idea of being married to Santa, but she never bothered to get to know the real Kris Kringle, you know? I don’t see her sticking around once things turn south.
So eternity is just going to be elves torturing you forever? 
Oh the little sprites will tire out eventually, and after about 10,000 years after the heat-death of the universe we’ll succumb to total apathy and atrophy, ultimately forgetting that we even exist, oh-ho-ho-ho!
So eventually the whole universe will just be Santa and some elves floating around all catatonic? 
Sure until the rest of the matter in the universe condenses into a singularity and explodes again! Eventually, life will evolve somewhere and a couple billion years after that, it’s Christmas! 
Again? 
Oh-ho-ho that’s right! Humanity is just the latest iteration of a cosmic cycle Santa has witnessed countless times!
This is getting heavy, I think we should call it here. Any final word for our readers? 
You’re all dead already, and you don’t even know it!
We’re all dead already and…
Oh-ho-ho!
There he is.

New Album from The Strokes Just As Boring As Fans Hoped

Posted on by Kevin Tit

NEW YORK — Fans of indie rock legends The Strokes collectively agreed that the boring nature of the band’s newest album “The New Abnormal” from this past April was the only sense of normalcy they experienced in 2020, multiple aging hipsters confirmed.

“In 2020 I was laid off from my job, had my unemployment checks delayed, and lived on the brink of eviction. It’s been a total rollercoaster, but that record gave me the familiar feeling of languor that I had when I first started listening to the band when I was in college,” said 42-year-old bartender Demitri Pendoni. “They went back to their roots on this one, from their signature monotone vocals, to the direct rip-off of other notable songs highlighting their lack of creativity.”

“It’s just really nice to be able to put something on that doesn’t require any brain work to enjoy,” he added. “Nothing interesting to pick apart. It’s the break I think a lot of us need.”

The Strokes admitted they were nervous they might accidentally write something interesting for their first album in seven years.

“We initially went into the studio with the mindset of trying to experiment and grow our sound, but we ultimately decided it would be best for us and our fans if we once again kept the seasoning out of the kitchen,” said guitarist Nick Valensi. “We even went as far as blatantly ripping off Modern English’s hit song ‘I Melt with You’ for one of our singles. Every painstaking hour we put into actively not trying to be creative was worth it, and I’m so happy our fans enjoy this lackluster body of work.”

A representative from RCA claimed the label was very involved in releasing an effort so milquetoast that it’s almost as if nothing is playing at all.

“They initially approached us about trying to make a record that sounded different from their old stuff, and we just couldn’t have that,” said RCA media relations proxy Reid Colmer. “We teamed the band up with the legendary music producer Rick Rubin in the hopes of redefining not only the genre, but the word ‘boring’ itself. Needless to say, it was a complete success, and now the album has a Grammy nomination for Best Rock Album!”

The Strokes have announced a live streaming concert for next week, in which their biggest fans across the globe could half-watch the band while they scroll through their phones the way they used to.

Police Search for Body of Dad Who Put Socks in Empty PS5 Box as Gag Christmas Present

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

WHEATON, Ill. — Local and state authorities are in a desperate search for a local father who jokingly put socks in an empty PlayStation 5 box and gave it to his son as a gag Christmas present, sources close to the family confirm. 

“At around approximately 7 a.m. on Christmas morning one Nicholas Ford abruptly vanished from his home and has not been heard from since,” Chief of Police Sabrina Henderson said in a press conference. “According to witnesses, Ford’s teenage son Clay opened the gag gift and became overwhelmed with joy before discovering the true contents of the gift. Clay asked to speak with his father in the kitchen and Nicholas seems to have vanished. We are hopeful but this is more of a recovery mission than a rescue.”

The family was worried about Ford’s disappearance but seemed to understand why it happened.

“Christopher got the box from one of his co-workers and thought it would be hysterical to play a little trick on Clay,” Ford’s wife Cathy said while sweeping up the ashes of the box after her son reportedly lit it on fire. “I warned him not to do it, so really whatever may have happened to him was his own fault. I just hope he made the smart decision to change his name and skip town. Clay was just getting over when his father gave him a GameStop gift card with a zero balance for his birthday and Clay punched his father in the throat.”

Experts seem to agree that gag gifts at Christmas are not always the wisest decision.

“Every year there are a handful of injuries as a result of a parent messing with their children at Christmas,” retail expert Dora Gardner explained. “Keys to a car that doesn’t exist, a book in a laptop case, batteries to nothing. Small gifts in oversized boxes, misleading wrapping paper, or pun gifts; these are all bad ideas and we recommend against it unless you want to wake up naked in the desert.”

As of press time, authorities have considered charging Nicholas Ford with a hate crime for his action, if and when he is found alive.

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Paranormal Investigator Staring at Electro-Reader Thingy Has Never Seen Anything Like This

Posted on by Dan Rice

SALEM, Mass. — The occult community was rocked to its core yesterday after paranormal researcher and television host Aaron Todd found “unusual readings” on a device yet to be identified, but definitely having something to do with electricity and ghosts and whatnot, spooked sources confirmed.

“Jesus Christ, this thing is off the dang charts!” exclaimed Todd with bated breath as he examined some sort of handheld electronic equipment adorned with dials and antenna and such. “I’ve never seen this thing do this before. Okay, I’m freaking out a little. There’s definitely something going on here — these readings are unprecedented. We might be dealing with some sort of demon spirit, or maybe a magnetic field surrounding some sort of mythical portal. It could be anything.”

Jessica Combs, Todd’s clairvoyant teammate and co-founder of Spirit Seekers Paranormal Investigations, detailed the event in a confessional shot later that day.

“As soon as we entered the basement area of the old church, the needle started jumping around and it made a crazy whirring noise. The instrument’s beeps alternated in tone and volume while Aaron scanned the room and let us all know that it was highly irregular,” Combs recalled. “Suddenly, I realized I was sensing some really intense paranormal energies — that’s why when you watch the show, you’ll hear creepy music, and maybe a few expository ADR lines. I’m clairvoyant, so I already know how they will edit the sequence together.”

Some in the ghost hunting community, however, remain unconvinced.

“It’s not uncommon for these homemade devices to show strange readings, especially when a TV camera is nearby,” claimed rival ghost-expert Jason Blade, carefully avoiding the subject of what the device is and what it measures. “I won’t be convinced he found anything other than a gas leak until I can enter that building with my own finely tuned devices that pick up on other-worldly energies.”

Despite such criticisms, Todd remains steadfast in his belief that the team is on to something.

“This may be the most concrete evidence of a spiritual presence since last week’s episode where the dial went all haywire,” he boasted. “These machines are state-of-the-art.”