Fuck, Marry, Kill – This Guy Has Done It All

Posted on by Zac Townsend

Fuck, Marry, Kill. The three paths to a complete life. Accomplishing any of these three feats before you die is noteworthy. But for David Childs, noteworthy just wasn’t good enough.

Catching up with Childs was easy as he is now an old, retired man who spends most of his time in an old handmade rocking chair. We knew that Childs had both fucked and been married because the local affiliate sent us pictures of his children and he seemed unhappy. One look in his eyes face to face confirmed the trifecta—this man had definitely taken a life.

Fuck.
As the old man harked back to the days of his sexual peak we found ourselves, cringing. There is just something about an 81-year-old man recalling his past encounters and using words “slurping”, “damp”, and “honking” throughout those stories that really made us wonder why we were listening anymore. At one point he rambled about how confusing it can be when you’re blindfolded and the woman you’re with has an outie belly button. We will spare you the details, just trust us on this one. This guy fucked.

Marry.
David has been married to his beautiful, loving wife, Linda for 37 years. Much to her approval and help, she made several appearances in his stories from the paragraph above. The two have accumulated 11 children over their time together. They married after David saw Linda one evening, before even talking to her he walked right up to her father the next day and asked for her hand in marriage.

Her existence means that unlike 85% of Fuck Marry Kill tripple-crowners, Childs did not do all three with the same person.

Kill.
Childs was exuberant to tell us about all the people he’s killed. He spent some time in Vietnam but claims the “real fun” happened when he did a brief 5-year stay in Florida during the mid-’80s. He explained to us the killings haven’t stopped with his old age, they have merely just slowed down. David told us he can not stop killing, it’s more addicting than heroin. Which he also admitted to doing during his Florida stint.

Our time with David Childs has taught us all one thing, legends never die, and they are smarter than the police.

Mariah Carey’s Boyfriend Foolishly Thinks He Doesn’t Need to Buy Gift

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Friends and family of Mariah Carey’s boyfriend Bryan Tanaka are increasingly concerned about his poorly thought-out decision to not give a proper gift to his diva girlfriend.

“How lucky am I?” the gullible background dancer said of his plan to show up on Christmas morning empty handed. “Not only am I dating a gorgeous, wealthy pop star, but she only wants to see me on Christmas! She was very explicit — she sang to me, and I quote, ‘I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree; all I want for Christmas is you.’ How else am I supposed to interpret that? Some women want expensive jewelry, nice cars, or rare artifacts from Egyptian temples, but not Mariah. That’s what makes her perfect.”

“Yes, she threw a plate of lasagna at me when one of the horses I hired to dance for her on her birthday didn’t smile at her,” he added, “but she’s never written any songs with specific instructions on birthday gifts.”

Those close to the couple are struggling to remain silent as Christmas draws closer.

“Are you kidding me? Nothing!? This is a suicidal gesture. There’s no other way to interpret this,” exclaimed Mariah’s publicist and closest friend Melanie Duvet. “You know what Mariah is getting him? AN ISLAND! A WHOLE FUCKING ISLAND! What the fuck is he thinking? Bryan wasn’t even born when the song came out, and the original lyrics said, ‘All I want for Christmas is you to put in maximum effort and strain yourself monetarily in order to prove your love for me,’ but it was shortened, and thankfully, because it made us all very rich.”

Carey’s former husband Nick Cannon confirmed Ms. Carey’s high standards for gifts.

“I once gave her a platinum Maserati, and she said it was ‘quaint’ and that she couldn’t wait to see what big gesture I had in store as my ‘real present.’ When I heard this chump just planned on being there for her on Christmas morning, I almost felt bad for him. Almost,” said the former Mr. Carey and host of MTV’s “Wild ‘N Out.” “I think she might actually kill him if he got her nothing. She’s literally killed over less.”

Fortunately, Tanaka is now putting some effort into his gift, though all agree his thought process is still dangerously misguided. “I’m going to wear a bow on my head, because, you know, I’m the gift!” said the soon-to-be missing back-up dancer. “Get it?”

Door to Entry-Level Job Barred From Other Side

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local graphic designer Max Norman attempted to access an entry-level job this week, only to find that it was barred from the other side, and therefore inaccessible.

“I loaded up the job site and saw this position listed right in front of me, pretty much begging me to apply. But then I clicked it, and it turned out it was impossible to get in there,” said Norman, who had taken several courses in Photoshop but lacked work experience. “I threw everything I had at the thing—resume, cover letter, lots of samples—but it wouldn’t budge.”

Eventually, Norman realized he would need to find another way to access the job.

“I think I probably have to go around,” he said, changing the search from ‘entry-level’ to ‘unpaid’ and taking a deep breath. “I can already tell this is gonna be a grind.”

Managers at the company defended their hiring practices, claiming it was the best way for applicants to improve themselves.

“We can’t just let a newbie into an entry-level job. We need to make them jump through some hoops first, maybe fail a few times, take some damage to their health, before we give them even the slightest amount of compensation for it,” said senior marketing analyst Ted Reese. “Then we give them a tiny reward, and they do it all again, hoping we’ll eventually give them more.”

At press time, Norman had been rejected from a few internships, and was considering shelling out some money to boost his stats in grad school.

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2020’s Best Songs if We Weren’t 30 and Stopped Paying Attention To New Music

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

2020 has been one hell of a year for music. We heard, at least. We’ll be honest. After turning 30 this year we straight up fell off following new music, like our older sister and our other older sister before her. We heard it’s great though. Music in 2020, that is. Not the slow, creeping death that is the aging process. That sucks.

Of all the songs we heard (about) in 2020, here are the ones we think might’ve been the best:

“Steps” by HAIM – Okay, well we definitely know HAIM. They’re the sisters who are always cast in music mockumentaries. They’re hilarious! It’s sick they’re making music now. We heard this song was really good according to the lists we looked up to write this. We’ll definitely check it out soon.

“Dragonball Durag” by Thundercat – Hey, we recognize this guy! We once saw him playing bass for Suicidal Tendencies. He was great. We will definitely check this out when we’re home from work. No, really. We’re setting a reminder on our phone right now.

“Juice” by Lizzo – Our neighbors played this a lot through the walls. The mix is kind of muddy. Solid bass line.

“The Other Side” by Trolls 2: World Tour Soundtrack – A lot of us have kids now and we’ve had to endure the soundtrack to this movie nonstop. The kids keep asking us to play this song so it must be considered good by today’s youth.

“WAP (Wet Ass Pussy)” by Ben Shapiro – His politics may be awful but either way you shake it, WAP was a big hit. The lyrics are great but we feel he needs more flair in his voice. Are whiny vocals the new rap thing? We know mumble rap is a thing but don’t really know what that is either.

“Cactused” by Wire – Wire made a new album? Sweet!

“Murder Most Foul” by Bob Dylan – Who can forget Bob Dylan’s epic 17-minute song about JFK? Admittingly, we haven’t heard it yet but Bob Dylan is a talented guy. We mostly just know this came out because it was released while Last Podcast On The Left was in the middle of a deep dive on JFK assassination theories. Good to see those LPOTL boys inspired a legend like that.

“The World Is What You Make It” by Jimmy Buffet – Normally we listen to the harder stuff but after turning 30 last week, we’ve mellowed out. J Buff’s cool island vibes are growing on us. Besides, our kids love “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” We always play it in the drive-thru at McDonald’s and sing it as a family. Oh shit, are we lame?

“Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. on repeat- Look, we’ve been going through a lot. We’ve barely seen our friends, bills are stacking, people are getting sick, meanwhile nothing in the future of America looks promising. Maybe we just wanna regress and listen to songs that made us feel something in High School. Is that so much to ask?

Legendary Emo Band Breaks Up After One Week

Posted on by Clara Endres

PHILADELPHIA — Highly influential emo band Crowquill reportedly split today after producing just 30 minutes of recorded music and playing two live shows over the course of one week.

“The energy during writing and practice sessions was enormous,” said former bassist Patricia Connolly. “It was even kind of contagious — my mom cried when I played the demo for her, although come to think of it, that might have been out of disappointment. After a few days in the band, though, I had to bail. Jamie’s our singer, but their passion was honestly overbearing. They’d have no problem filling my spot if they continued — there was a lot of excitement around the first demo and our two shows, so everybody with a four-string and some form of mental illness in Philly will be vying to take my place.”

Scene contemporaries Waking to Winter opined on Crowquill’s potential legacy, and what sharing a stage with the venerated outfit was like.

“I’m crushed Crowquill split,” bemoaned Waking to Winter guitarist Davonte Williams. “Opening for their second and final show on Tuesday was a huge honor, though — I’ve already seen some newer bands ripping off their stage presence and their trademark off-key vocals, but none of them have really nailed the despondency. They all always seemed hopeless onstage and off — they really lived the life, and I respect that.”

Bartender Kit Green at Gratuitous Lunch, the venue that hosted both of Crowquill’s shows, believes the short-lived band will have a lasting legacy.

“I’ve seen so many bands like Crowquill come and go, but this band had a certain allure. A lot of their fans post the photos of the gas station they use on the cover of their only EP,” said Green. “And people from all over the country come to the coffee shop their drummer manages just to get a glimpse of him. But I don’t know if they were cut out for the internet age. I mean, a lot of 90s emo bands only lasted like, two years, let alone less than two weeks. It was only a matter of time before message boards and then social media sped up the hype machine on them. Frankly, I’m surprised they lasted through a full weekend.”

The band is reportedly already negotiating a reunion tour, set to take place in 2040.

Want more legit emo in your life? Go check out washedupemo.com, listen to the podcast, and buy the book. It makes the perfect gift.

Top 5 Projects in 2020 You Wish You Had Finished Even Though You Had Literally Had All the Time in the Fucking World

Posted on by Nariko Ott

We’ve all been there. Feeling stuck at your job; maybe staring at your dumbass kid. Dreaming of the day when you’d finally have the time—with no distractions!—to finally finish all those things you’ve been putting off until “tomorrow.” Well, the moment you’ve been wishing for, albeit with a horrible monkey’s paw ironic twist, has already come and mostly went.

Since you decided to fall into new depraved levels of sloth, we figured we’d help you countdown the top 5 ways you’ve failed yourself.

Working out
For sale: protein powder, never opened. Remember this one, spaghetti arms? You should, because this one has been on your list since you were 13, but there was “never enough time.” Well, congratulations, now that Peloton is just a $2,000 cat tree.

Yes, sure, you couldn’t go to the gym because of the global pandemic but you could have done push-ups during the load screens on Skyrim. You could have walked to the bathroom instead of peeing into empty Doritos bags and laying them around your room, something! Now the sands of time have slipped through your skinny fingers like so much undrunk creatine.

Cleaning your house
Time to face facts, you’re gonna die in here. They will find your mummified corpse underneath a strata of old pizza boxes, flattened beer cans, and strangely stiff rare band t-shirts. You always had plans to make your place look so cute it would make Pinterest shit its pants. Now here you are, months and months later, and the only thing that shit its pants was you. Weeks ago.

And they’re right over there. On the floor. You can see them.

Art
Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Art is never finished, only abandoned” and boy, did you abandon it. You left it on the doorstep before it was born. Sure, you bought spray paint, you bought duct tape, you stole a banana, you got all the essentials but you never got around to pouring your soul into them, bleeding your heart onto the canvas so everyone who stepped into your apartment would know that you really, truly, “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.”

Yourself
Wow, this did not go well. I mean, you had plans. You were going to read more, try yoga, maybe meditate, but the only thing you meditated on was rewatching every episode of Golden Girls. And unfortunately, much like Sophia, you proved to be adorably sassy and difficult when it comes to change. Next pandemic maybe aim small and just try to shower every other day?

Watch porn
Okay, credit where credits due, this one you knocked out of the park.

Forlorn Man Sends $18.50 to Ticketmaster Just to Feel Something Again

Posted on by Alex Falcone

RENO, Nev. — Local man Josh Stegman reportedly now prefers the worst part of the concert experience to no experience at all, sending Ticketmaster $18.50 yesterday just to feel connected to live events again after spending 10 months at home.

“None of it goes to artists anyway, so I figured I could skip everybody but the middleman,” said Stegman while using the confusing Ticketmaster App that sells his data without his consent to multiple third party aggregators. “The random fees used to send me into a rage, but I’m strangely nostalgic for them now. After I pressed ‘send,’ I found myself whispering, ‘These fucking pirates’ under my breath, and I felt alive for the first time since March.”

Stegman’s girlfriend Dee Lobalso couldn’t figure out why he was so upset looking at his phone, but when he calmed down long enough to explain, she was supportive.

“He was furious at how wasteful it all seemed, and how the ticket price is basically a fucking lie… and for that one beautiful moment, everything felt like it was back to normal again,” Lobalso said. “I haven’t seen him this happy since he looked up the price of a flight and saw that it was another $30 to carry on a bag.”

TicketMaster chairman Jared Smith confirmed these hate-payments have become more popular since the COVID-19 pandemic began, and assured people that if anger was the feeling you’re looking for, he could provide it.

“We don’t need your money. Hell, I already own like, six boats. I might sink one just to have something to look at when I go snorkeling off the other, bigger boats,” said Smith while grilling a panda steak over a bonfire of $100 bills. “I can’t tell you exactly what we’ll do with the money, but I can personally guarantee it will go towards some absolutely vile shit, like poking holes in condom packages or opening up 1,000-piece puzzles, throwing away a single piece from the middle of the sky, and sealing them back up. That’s the TicketMaster guarantee.”

As the idea spread, TicketMaster created a new app called TicketMaster Rage, where people can pay them directly for absolutely nothing. They charge an additional $7.50 convenience fee to use the service.

COVID Surge Pushes Local Medical Center Over Maximum Capacity of Six

Posted on by Andy Holt

KANTO — Recent surges of coronavirus have taxed local medical centers, pushing one facility to the edge of overflow by filling all six slots at once.

“It’s shocking because we built this facility to handle the worst of the worst. We calculated the maximum number of incapacitated patients this town could possibly produce, which is obviously six,” said Nurse Joy, a longtime medical professional in Lavender Town. “When that seventh patient came in, we could hardly believe our eyes. These are truly end times.”

Medical staff across the region reported similar issues with capacity, many claiming it was the worst they’d ever seen.

“Once, about twenty years back, a small child came in with six patients at the same time, all of them completely unconscious, many of them burned, others mangled beyond recognition. We were barely able to save them. I figured that would be the worst day of my career,” said Nurse Joy from Cerulean City, looking over a waiting room with eight people in it. “Until today.”

Some patients have even traveled to nearby towns looking for treatment.

“When you have a family member who’s sick, you’d do anything to help them, even venture through a dark forest packed with killer insects and strangers trying to fight you,” said a resident of Viridian City, whose longtime companion was running a fever. “But hey, I did find a flute on the ground, so that’s cool, I guess.”

To slow the spread of the virus, residents have been asked to stay inside their houses, sitting in a chair or standing, or maybe pacing back and forth over and over.

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Scrooge Exposed To Covid After Visit From Ghost Of Christmas Future

Posted on by Kevin Tit

LONDON — Elderly miser Ebenezer Scrooge is recovering in his palatial estate today after being exposed to COVID-19 following a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future, multiple holiday spirits confirmed.

“I really don’t know how this could have happened,” the ominous spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come said through several coughing fits. “I must be one of those asymptomatic carriers, because I feel fine. Maybe I got it after I visited that cruel, greedy bastard Tom Hanks? Ugh. Now all the other ghosts are forcing me to self-isolate in purgatory for the next week and a half. Worst of all is the new mask mandates — there goes our rights in the afterlife. The real virus is all the freedoms we’re just willingly giving up.”

Although still likely contagious, Scrooge’s symptoms were more on the mild side.

“After some minor body aches, I feel fine,” a recovering Scrooge explained. “I’m not sure if those ghosts I saw were real or a symptom of my illness, but I woke up today feeling like a changed man — for once in my life, I feel overwhelmed with holiday cheer. I want to run outside and hug and kiss everyone I see on the street. I also sent my faithful clerk Bob Cratchit and his family a nice Turkey dinner that I helped stuff with my own two hands. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for a Christmas party at my nephew’s house, which will be packed with revelers.”

While most throughout Victorian England celebrated Christmas, others were panicked by the sudden onslaught of this very contagious disease.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” admitted Dr. Edgar Hillthrow. “It seems as if people began just dropping dead all across London Town. It’s too early to say for sure what it is, but we suspect a possible second coming of the black plague, a new form of hysteria or, most likely, demons confined within the skull. We’ve begun a number of trial treatments for different patients, ranging from medical vibrators to surgically separating the chest cavity to relieve pressure.”

At press time, Scrooge was generously helping the Cratchit family make financial arrangements for Tiny Tim’s funeral.

Wiccan Insists There’s a War on Solstice

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ALLSTON, Mass. — Local goth and recent convert to Wicca Willow Bates is insisting to anyone who will listen that there is a “war on Yule,” also known as Winter Solstice, and all those who celebrate it.

“Anti-Wiccan bigotry is everywhere, but it’s especially bad near Solstice. Just the other day I was at Starbucks, and they had the nerve to wish me ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of, ‘May the turning of the wheel this blessed Yule bring you peace.’ How insulting is that?” said Bates. “And my high school wouldn’t even let me perform a Pagan chant during the holiday concert, because somehow lighting a ceremonial fire on the auditorium stage is ‘dangerous’ — plus they didn’t want me smearing mud all over my naked body for some reason. But if you ask me, I think it’s just a plot to destroy my people’s beliefs.”

Cousin Ophelia Lawrence explained how Bates’ newfound faith has dampened the family’s holiday cheer.

“What’s most frustrating is, you can’t talk about anything Christmas related without Willow ranting about how it was stolen from the Pagans. Mistletoe, yule logs, Christmas trees… even if you try to stick to seemingly safe topics like favorite Christmas toys from childhood, she’ll come up with some bullshit about how Pagans had ‘rudimentary Furbies’ centuries ago before Christians stole the idea,” said Lawrence. “I try to be respectful and inclusive during the holiday season, but if I have to hear again how holly is not a symbol of Jesus but instead the Pagan ‘King of Winter,’ I’m going to shove a candy cane up her polytheistic, heathen ass.”

Still others, like Pagan warlock Eoin Reeves, believe the “war on Solstice” is blown out of proportion.

“If anything, Solstice has become far too commercialized in recent years. I mean, when did the holiday become all about posting blurry pics of the moon on Instagram and not about honoring the agricultural god, Saturn?” Reeves stated. “Plus, it feels like the crystal boutiques and feminist bookstores are putting out their yule altars right after Samhain each year, and I saw a ‘solstice meditation circle’ thing at a yoga studio on Groupon for like, $39 last year. [Bates] should just be happy she won’t be the ‘weird aunt at Thanksgiving’ when she’s older.”

Bates is hiding her beliefs from her grandmother, however, until she forks over her presents and a batch of her highly sought after Christmas cookies.