Help! ICE Just Took Baby Jesus From Our Nativity Scene

Posted on by Zac Townsend

This has to be some type of miscommunication. ICE just showed up at our front door. We allowed them in, of course, as we assumed they were here for the maid. We’ve been meaning to let her go anyway because of the financial strains on our bank account from foolishly betting against Jake Paul. We figured this whole ICE thing would be more dignified for all of us. But nope. They took freaking baby Jesus from our nativity scene! Help!

They do know baby Jesus is white, right? Is that not easily accessible information? It’s so obvious: fair skin, abs from just being skinny… Hell, he was born in Nazareth for Christ’s sake. Never been? It’s the Tulsa of Israel.

I don’t understand how ICE could rip baby Jesus away from his family like this. It’s really out of character for them.

There must have been some confusion on behalf of the U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement, that’s all. That said, out of everyone they could have taken in our nativity scene, why go for my main man in the middle? There were angels, which are technically immigrants, and I’m pretty sure none of the three Wisemen would make it through a TSA checkpoint without some questions. Hell, there was even a camel. When’s the last time you saw a camel in America? We don’t make those here. Those are the Toyotas of the middle east.

I knew a lot of changes were going to happen with a new president and all. I just thought they would begin after January 20th. The real dilemma here is that it’s mere weeks before Christmas and now we have no baby in our nativity scene. I’ve searched everywhere for a stand-in baby. The black market is too expensive and renting a child is just bad financial sense in today’s market. Won’t someone help? Where is everyone’s Christmas spirit?

Trump Adds “No Fat Chicks” Addendum to COVID Relief Bill

Posted on by Steve Esparra

WASHINGTON — President Trump added a new addendum to the COVID-19 relief bill passed by Congress yesterday, prohibiting American women who he feels are “carrying too much junk in the trunk” from receiving federal funds.

“Huge win today! Proud to say taxpayer money will now take on the burden of battling obesity in this country,” tweeted the lame-duck President. “I love women, everyone knows I love women. But some of them, let’s be honest, maybe they need to lay off the ice cream when it’s that time of the month, if you catch my drift.”

“I’m trying to do them a favor — no relief money means less money for soda and candy,” Trump later clarified in another tweet. “I’ve never seen a fat poor person. Of course, I will never get a thank you from the slovenly, slob-like haters!”

Trump supporter Kelly Cramphold is skeptical of the initiative, wondering whether or not she qualifies for federal compensation.

“I’m a mother of two, so I could really use that money. I just haven’t been able to drop the baby weight… especially since gyms aren’t allowed to be open right now in my state,” said Cramphold. “Are they going off of BMI? Or is there a different way the government is going to judge who qualifies? I still support Trump, because he tells it like it is and he’s destroying the Democrats, but if I don’t get these benefits, I might lose my apartment.”

Rep. Nancy Pelosi admonished Trump for the addition to the bill, claiming that he himself isn’t in the best of shape to be making these types of judgment calls.

“The President thinks he can withhold federal funds from taxpaying Americans just because of their size. If he had to play by those rules, he’d have to pay about $1,000 a day just to stay in power. When President Trump sits around the Oval Office, he sits around the Oval Office, if you catch my drift,” said Pelosi. “Mark my words: will not let this hypocritical piece of body-shaming legislation go forward.”

Meanwhile, President-Elect Biden also came out in opposition of the bill.

“Listen, the fat ones always smell the best,” said Biden. “I am directly opposed to the President playing partisan politics with these jolly ladies’ lives. When I take office in January, cushion for the pushin’ will be something to be celebrated, not punished.”

New Wall Street Journal Opinion Piece Calls Out Dr Disrespect for Not Being Medical Doctor

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Following a controversial opinion piece wherein columnist Joseph Epstein beseeched Jill Biden to drop the “doctor” title from her name due to a lack of proper medical credentials, the Wall Street Journal has now published an article bringing the qualifications of popular streamer Dr Disrespect into question. 

“Mister Disrespect, Mister Beahm, Guy, dude,” began Epstein’s latest article, published today.  “A bit of advice on what may seem like a small but important matter. Any chance you might drop the ‘Dr.’ before your name? ‘DrDisrespect,’ sounds and feels fraudulent, not to say a touch comic. Your schtick is, I believe, playing multiplayer games and a confrontational, braggadocious attitude that you broadcast to your fans with ridiculous catch phrases like ‘I’m on top of the mountain, and I’m only halfway up!’ A wise man once said that no one should call himself ‘Dr.’ unless he has delivered a child. Think about it, DrDisrespect, and forthwith drop the ‘doc.’”

Joe Biden, current American President-elect, quickly rose to the defense of the controversial streaming personality. 

“The attack on DrDisrespect and his credentials are unfathomable,” said Biden, who will be sworn into office next month. “Dr Disrespect got to where he is today the old fashioned way, by talking tough and not backing down when people told him what he could or couldn’t say or which bathrooms he could or couldn’t broadcast out of. The Wall Street Journal ought to be ashamed of this ridiculous display towards my favorite streamer in the game.”

Dr Disrespect, who’s real name is Herschel Beahm IV, stated that this was merely the latest in a series of headaches his title has caused this year. 

“This shit has got to stop,” he said, when informed of the Wall Street Journal piece. “Twitch shut me down for two months this summer all while they investigated the ‘irregularities’ with my purported medical background, and now this. If someone would have just asked me, I would’ve told the dumb asshole that it’s merely a screenname and probably not worth throwing a fit about.”

As of press time, the Wall Street Journal had published another opinion piece, this one imploring Dr. Pepper to change its name to “Mr. Soda Man.”

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Cyberpunk 2077 QA Team Horrified to Learn Game Has Already Released

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

WARSAW —  After emerging from their offices for the first time in months following long hours crunching on Cyberpunk 2077, Quality Assurance team members of acclaimed Polish game developer CD Projekt Red were utterly horrified to learn that the game had already been released to the public nearly two weeks ago.

“They fucking did WHAT!?” exclaimed a QA tester who wished to remain anonymous. “There’s no way it’s ready for launch yet, my team and I still haven’t heard back on hundreds of potentially game-breaking bugs we’ve reported. The penises still clip through the pants! We can’t ship a game where the penises are clipping through the pants, right?! Nothing could possibly tarnish CDPR’s reputation more than that!”

According to those familiar with the situation, there were reportedly no signs at the CD Projekt Red office that anything had changed after the release of the game.

“I was honestly surprised I even had the energy to be surprised. I’m fucking exhausted, but it feels good to feel something, I guess,” the anonymous QA tester continued. “We had no idea the game had shipped because everyone just kept working like it hadn’t. It feels like the game is really coming out in February or something. Hell, if I hadn’t walked into that newspaper stand trying to order a coffee out of exhaustion, I wouldn’t even have found out the game had been released!”

At press time, the QA tester said he was hopefully going to get the greenlight from management to start work on the PlayStation 4 version of the game to see how it runs.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Hard Times 2020 Top 10 Metal Bands We’ve Been Meaning to Look Into

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Everyone says how long 2020 has felt, but it seems to have gone by in a flash when it comes to listening to new music. Like anyone else who has ever mentioned metal on the internet, we here at The Hard Times get inundated with metal band recommendations on a daily basis. So based on those recommendations, here are the Top 10 metal bands we’ve been meaning to look into and will totally get around to listening to in 2021, we swear.

10. Vrijheid
This Brooklyn outfit of NYU grads is said to sing in iambic pentameter and reference the works Dutch anarchist Ferdinand Nieuwenhuis. I dunno, I just feel like I have to be in the right headspace to experience this album and, with the election and everything, I just didn’t feel ready for it. Maybe in another eight years or so I’ll get into that headspace, as long as nothing comes up between now and then.

9. Your Band
You’re right. Out of the hundreds of bands recommended to us, the one that will probably make it big that we will have missed the boat on will be your dumbass band. Seriously, do you know how many new bands we have to pretend to listen to before we pretend to listen to yours? Too many to waste time placating your feelings. Moving on!

8. Slayer
Ok, right. Big blindspot on our part but they have such a big catalog, where do we even start? Plus, every time we decide to give them a chance we remember all the Nazi iconography and it vibes us out. Then it all dies down and we just forget about them entirely. We swear we’ll give them a serious listen in the year of the Ox.

7. Ghostmane
We heard about Ghostmane from our little sister but we stopped listening after she said the word ‘drip.’ Then the mainstream music press started talking about him and we didn’t want to look like a bunch of poser sellouts so we’re writing about him anyway. Honestly, we’re old and it’s probably better for our image if we just don’t touch this.

6. DOOM Eternal
We thought this was a band for the longest time and were waiting for an EP to drop. Turns out it is a video game. The game was fun though! 8/10

5. My Heaven Is Eternal and I Wish You The Best Of What Hell Has To Offer
I was super excited to listen to this Portland, Oregon doom outfit but I totally forgot their name and spent the better part of a day Googling variations but came up empty. I typed their name into a note on my phone so I won’t forget next time around.

4. Body Count
We heard there was a new Body Count album and we were like, “Oh cool a new Body Count album,” but then realized we never listened to any old Body Count albums except for “Cop Killer,” which led us down an Iced T rabbit whole. We didn’t listen to any of the band but we did end up watching six seasons of SVU on Hulu. We barely slept. It was worth it.

3. Tzzt
My Spotify history shows that I listened to this drone band from Italy at least three times but I have no memory of it. I put it on an hour ago to refresh my memory and I woke up an hour later on the floor with no idea how I got there.

2. Nikibi
This Japanese speed-metal band has a huge buzz going online. I was going to listen to them but then I remembered that I was in the middle of a Dragonball Z rewatch from earlier this year and decided to pick it up again and well, that is all I’ve done the past week.

1. Winterfylleth
Not gonna lie, didn’t even realize this was a band. We thought it had something to do with Game of Thrones, which we also haven’t checked out. That’s right. We’re that guy. We shoehorn how we haven’t watched “Game of Thrones” into every aspect of my personality. But yeah, I’ll check ‘em out, sounds good.

Woman Watches 85 Episodes of Show She Doesn’t Like

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

MARQUETTE, Mich. — Local resident Jessica Stabley recently watched 85 episodes of a television series she doesn’t even like, purely due to quarantine-induced boredom, sources confirm.

“Well, my coworker told me about ‘Love Island’ being super watchable, glorious trash. And after the first five or six episodes, I couldn’t disagree more. I found it repulsive and sad,” said Stabley during a 90-second Hulu ad break. “But even still, I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stop watching. The shamelessness, the lewd humor, and frankly, the accents. Can’t understand a fucking word. Fascinating.”

Hulu spokesman John James confirmed that Stabley isn’t alone in binge-watching the more critically-maligned programs offered by their streaming service.

“Oh, yeah, the trash TV numbers are way, way up. We have a wide selection of award-winning shows and Oscar-winning movies, but we’ve seen a huge spike in people watching things like ‘Real Housewives,’ ‘Total Divas,’ and ‘Hoarders,’” said James. “People eat junk food when they’re sad, y’know? What can I say — people love garbage.”

Jennifer Thiel, Stabley’s coworker who originally recommended the show, has mixed feelings about the situation.

“Jess is constantly complaining about how bad the show is, but I don’t know how you can watch that many episodes of something without liking it at least a little,” said Thiel. “I keep telling her other things to watch, like Oscar winners that she hasn’t seen yet. But she just keeps watching ‘Love Island.’ She even watches the recap episodes. I’m getting kinda worried.”

Stabley admitted that the effects of watching approximately 85 hours of reality television are beginning to make themselves evident.

“My brain is turning into mush. And I’m starting to talk like the people on the show. I’m saying things like ‘fit bird’ or telling my friend that a guy ‘pied her off,’” said Stabley. “So I’m gonna try to work on my backlog of stuff I’ve been meaning to watch for a while — maybe something that’s a bit more stimulating.”

At press time, Stabley was attempting to watch “Parasite,” but gave up after five minutes and switched to the Australian edition of “Love Island.”

“A Christmas Carol” Gives Kids Unrealistic Expectations That Rich Assholes Will Change Their Ways

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

There are approximately 135 screen versions of Charles Dickens’ apocryphal tale of ego reversal “A Christmas Carol” from Scrooge McDuck, to Tim Curry, to George C. Scott. Year after year, children absentmindedly watch these adaptations while being subliminally brainwashed into believing that rich people have souls and will stop hoarding their wealth.

Literal centuries of children have grown up to believe that the wealthy have a breaking point in their greedy consciousness where they will see the error of their ways and help to reverse the damage they have done to society. When in the course of human history has that ever been the case? How many real prosperous jackasses have woken up one day and decided to bankrupt themselves in the name of philanthropy? A Christmas Carol is as much a far-flung fantasy as “Lord of the Rings” or “The Bible.”

Billionaire Americans are seen as modern-day Post-Nightmare-Scrooges for donating mere pennies of what they are worth to nameless charities while avoiding paying taxes altogether. These are not heroes that should be glamorized and children should not be led to believe that there is such a thing as ‘a good rich’ anywhere in our reality.

We are raising children who are going to believe that the rich are of benefit to society. That, somehow, landlords are deep down righteous people providing a shelter and not what they really are, a festering boil on the face of humanity that should be popped with a scalding hot needle.

And what kind of role model is this supplicant Bob Cratchit; who is clearly an ideogram for the reader? He helps his scumbag boss evict those neediest and graciously accepts the mere crumbs he himself is tossed. At no point in the story does Cratchit try to organize a labor union or go to a meeting of local anarchists. Dickens basically says, “Just sit by, dear reader, and do nothing about this problem, it will work itself out.”

Instead of the three ghosts that visit Scrooge, Cratchit should break into Scrooge’s house, torture him until he relinquishes his fortune and then kill him anyway.

Children are highly impressionable and shouldn’t be allowed to watch this kind of Plutocrat-Porn.

Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend Getting Vaccine Before You

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

PITTSBURGH — Your ex-boyfriend Jake Doherty’s new girlfriend, Sara Michaels, will receive the vaccine for the novel coronavirus before you, placing hundreds of millions of people behind her in line to receive it and providing much-needed hard data that she rules and you do not.

“I first discovered the news when she posted about it on Instagram — not that I look at her Instagram all the time or anything, I just happened to randomly be looking at it that day because one of my friends shared her story,” you quickly over-explained. “Anyway, that’s good for her about not getting COVID, I guess. She seems like a really cool girl, even though it kind of looks like she might have gigantic pores or something in the pic she shared. Congrats on the vaccine, though.”

“I’m doing fine, honestly. I really want to use this time to focus on myself and my hobbies — I’ve been getting really into embroidery and I bought an at-home pickling kit,” you added, in an obvious and unsuccessful attempt to sound both unbothered and very interesting.

Mutual friends of yours previously forced to choose between you versus Doherty and Michaels will no longer have to make that difficult, painful decision.

“Oh, yeah, I’m just going to hang out with Sara instead. I mean, for safety. Sara’s getting the vaccine early, so it just makes sense,” said person you used to consider a friend, Diane Kim. “Plus, me and Sara’s eligibility are pretty close to each other, so maybe we can go together and make a whole day of it. It’s nothing personal, but I do like her better.”

The CDC announced the earliest vaccinations will go to those who are essential workers, elderly, and possess known comorbidities. However, in an unprecedented move, they have also declared that the next group to receive the vaccine will be “hot girls in their late 20s who fuck good and don’t use a dusty mirror to take mirror selfies.”

“While it’s highly unorthodox for us to announce whether or not one specific woman in Pittsburgh is getting the coronavirus vaccine before another, we honestly couldn’t deal with how many calls we received asking, ‘Is she getting the vaccination before me? Do you think she’s prettier than I am? Sometimes I wear my mask when I am alone at home, doesn’t that count for something?’” said Melinda Weiss, a director with the CDC. “I don’t know how she got all of our scientists’ phone numbers, but it’s a pandemic, and we don’t have time for this.”

At press time, you were reportedly reaching out to other exes who could corroborate that you “fuck good.”

PS4 With ‘Cyberpunk’ Downloaded Listed on eBay Just In Case Anyone’s Stupid Enough to Go for That

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

DALLAS — Local gamer Carter Evans has reportedly listed his PS4 console containing a digital download of the now-delisted Cyberpunk 2077 on eBay just in case anyone’s stupid enough to go for that, sources confirmed earlier today.

“Every time a game gets taken off of the PlayStation store, people go nuts trying to get a hold of it,” said Evans, taking pictures of the console running the now-unattainable digital download of CD Projekt Red’s game off of its 500 gigabyte hard drive. “It happened with P.T., and it happened with Scott Pilgrim. I never downloaded either of those so I missed my chance to make some money back then, but this time I got lucky, and right now there’s gold in the streets. At least, I assume. There’s gotta be some idiots out there who don’t know there are Blu-ray copies of Cyberpunk you can still play.”

Evans says that he isn’t in a rush to make a profit right away, considering the circumstances of the game’s removal from the PlayStation store.

“Sure, there’s a chance I might not find a buyer for this for a couple of months, especially because I’m selling it at a massive markup, but it’s not like CD Projekt Red is going to be able to get the game recertified anytime soon. I mean, have you seen the bugs on this thing? Yeesh. I feel really bad for whatever sucker decides to buy this from me.”

At press time, Evans was answering questions submitted on his eBay listing to assure potential buyers that the game’s bugs had not destroyed his console or made it catch fire.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Long-Lost Father Coming to Fortnite

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Epic Games has announced that the new DLC character coming to their hit battle royale video game Fortnite is Kevin Schumacher, the long-lost father of Chris Schumacher, who walked out on his family seventeen years ago.

“We’re so excited that Chris Schumacher’s long-lost father, Kevin, who claimed he was going out for some smokes in 2003 and never returned due to the pressure of work and sudden family life, will be fighting for the victory royales alongside Master Chief, the Mandalorian, and the whole Marvel cast!” explained Fortnite design lead Eric Williamson. “When Masahiro Sakurai said that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate would have ‘everyone’ in it, we took that as a personal threat! So we made sure to gather each and every major pop culture character to put into our game, and now we’re reaching right into the very lives of our actual players. Get ready to play as Kevin this week for just 900 v-bucks!”

According to those close to the situation, Chris Schumacher has reportedly been catching up on time with his dad, playing Fortnite with his virtual avatar all across the chapter 2 season 5 map.

“As an avid Fortnite player, it was definitely weird to see my actual real-life father show up in the game as a playable skin, especially because they aged him up so he looks how he would if he were around in 2020. I guess that’s what my dad would look like if he was back in my life… and shooting Wolverine with a pump shotgun,” said Schumacher. “You get my dad for free as part of the battle pass and I’ve already leveled him to the point where I get the cigarettes he went out for in 2003 as a back bling. I guess in a way it made me feel better to see him actually pick up those smokes… just not enough to make up for the emotional trauma of him leaving in the first place.”

At press time, Chris Schumacher had gotten emotional after winning a solo round of Fortnite playing as his father, hitting the emote that makes him turn to the camera and say, “good job, son” and then the emote to make him floss.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!