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Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend Getting Vaccine Before You

PITTSBURGH — Your ex-boyfriend Jake Doherty’s new girlfriend, Sara Michaels, will receive the vaccine for the novel coronavirus before you, placing hundreds of millions of people behind her in line to receive it and providing much-needed hard data that she rules and you do not.

“I first discovered the news when she posted about it on Instagram — not that I look at her Instagram all the time or anything, I just happened to randomly be looking at it that day because one of my friends shared her story,” you quickly over-explained. “Anyway, that’s good for her about not getting COVID, I guess. She seems like a really cool girl, even though it kind of looks like she might have gigantic pores or something in the pic she shared. Congrats on the vaccine, though.”

“I’m doing fine, honestly. I really want to use this time to focus on myself and my hobbies — I’ve been getting really into embroidery and I bought an at-home pickling kit,” you added, in an obvious and unsuccessful attempt to sound both unbothered and very interesting.

Mutual friends of yours previously forced to choose between you versus Doherty and Michaels will no longer have to make that difficult, painful decision.

“Oh, yeah, I’m just going to hang out with Sara instead. I mean, for safety. Sara’s getting the vaccine early, so it just makes sense,” said person you used to consider a friend, Diane Kim. “Plus, me and Sara’s eligibility are pretty close to each other, so maybe we can go together and make a whole day of it. It’s nothing personal, but I do like her better.”

The CDC announced the earliest vaccinations will go to those who are essential workers, elderly, and possess known comorbidities. However, in an unprecedented move, they have also declared that the next group to receive the vaccine will be “hot girls in their late 20s who fuck good and don’t use a dusty mirror to take mirror selfies.”

“While it’s highly unorthodox for us to announce whether or not one specific woman in Pittsburgh is getting the coronavirus vaccine before another, we honestly couldn’t deal with how many calls we received asking, ‘Is she getting the vaccination before me? Do you think she’s prettier than I am? Sometimes I wear my mask when I am alone at home, doesn’t that count for something?’” said Melinda Weiss, a director with the CDC. “I don’t know how she got all of our scientists’ phone numbers, but it’s a pandemic, and we don’t have time for this.”

At press time, you were reportedly reaching out to other exes who could corroborate that you “fuck good.”