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Scrooge Exposed To Covid After Visit From Ghost Of Christmas Future

LONDON — Elderly miser Ebenezer Scrooge is recovering in his palatial estate today after being exposed to COVID-19 following a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future, multiple holiday spirits confirmed.

“I really don’t know how this could have happened,” the ominous spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come said through several coughing fits. “I must be one of those asymptomatic carriers, because I feel fine. Maybe I got it after I visited that cruel, greedy bastard Tom Hanks? Ugh. Now all the other ghosts are forcing me to self-isolate in purgatory for the next week and a half. Worst of all is the new mask mandates — there goes our rights in the afterlife. The real virus is all the freedoms we’re just willingly giving up.”

Although still likely contagious, Scrooge’s symptoms were more on the mild side.

“After some minor body aches, I feel fine,” a recovering Scrooge explained. “I’m not sure if those ghosts I saw were real or a symptom of my illness, but I woke up today feeling like a changed man — for once in my life, I feel overwhelmed with holiday cheer. I want to run outside and hug and kiss everyone I see on the street. I also sent my faithful clerk Bob Cratchit and his family a nice Turkey dinner that I helped stuff with my own two hands. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for a Christmas party at my nephew’s house, which will be packed with revelers.”

While most throughout Victorian England celebrated Christmas, others were panicked by the sudden onslaught of this very contagious disease.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” admitted Dr. Edgar Hillthrow. “It seems as if people began just dropping dead all across London Town. It’s too early to say for sure what it is, but we suspect a possible second coming of the black plague, a new form of hysteria or, most likely, demons confined within the skull. We’ve begun a number of trial treatments for different patients, ranging from medical vibrators to surgically separating the chest cavity to relieve pressure.”

At press time, Scrooge was generously helping the Cratchit family make financial arrangements for Tiny Tim’s funeral.