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Airplane Passengers Hoping Softboy Will Eventually Just Cry Himself to Sleep

SAN FRANCISCO — Airplane passengers aboard Delta flight 2871 from Chicago to Los Angeles are hoping local softboy Lou Mounton will eventually just cry himself to sleep, irritated travelers reported.

“I was hoping to get some sleep during the flight, but even with my headphones on, I can still hear this emo baby blubbering in the background,” said fellow passenger Hannah Volanksy. “Not to be a total asshole, but these over-emotional turds really ruin flying for everyone. It’s not that I have anything against sad boys per se –– some of them are kind of cute in their own special way, and I’m sure the little fella is having a rough time with the cabin pressure, which must be so confusing for him. But I just don’t want to hear them crying for hours. If I wanted to listen to miserable wailing for no reason at all, I’d call any of my ex-boyfriends.”

Witnesses observed the sensitive man looking forlorn and quietly Instagramming his walk as he boarded the flight, but noted that he “really got going” shortly into the four-hour plane ride.

“He was just brushing his bangs in his face and taking pics of himself looking out the window before we even took off, but he transitioned into a full-on tantrum when I politely asked him to put his headphones away for take-off,” said flight attendant Alex Pak. “I offered him a blanket and some pretzels, so maybe that will help soothe him a bit. I’ve had a really long day and my nerves are kind of shot at this point, but I guess it’s better than the drunk guy sitting a few rows back from him who keeps asking me to help him with his seatbelt. Hopefully, they’ll both just watch the movie and fall asleep. If that doesn’t work, I may try swaddling him.”

Experts claim traveling with softboys may be unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.

“These pathetic individuals are everywhere these days, and it’s becoming increasingly likely to find yourself near one in public, whether on the train or bus or even in restaurants,” said psychologist Dr. Andrea Bruer. “It’s unclear what makes softboys so very sad and miserable — perhaps it’s for attention or validation, or maybe they’re just gassy. But it’s best to just ignore them and not give into rewarding them for their fake melancholy behavior.”

At press time, Mounton’s seatmate was violently shaking the sadboy to get him to stop crying.