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We Rank the Top 15 Pounds We’ve Gained in 2020

No one is crushing it in quarantine. Well, except ultra-rich people who are positioned perfectly for thriving in this environment. Does that sound like you? No? We neither. From our decrease in movement to our increase in pizza, the only thing we’re crushing in 2020 is our gaming chair. So with our ever-expanding free time and waistline, the only thing to do is document our slide into our new WALL-E lifestyle by ranking the top 15 pounds we’ve gained in the last year.

The Part of the Tummy that Makes Medium T-shirts Unwearable – Remember May? Boy, we really treated ourselves then. And now. And all the time in between. We really thought it might be the apocalypse and consuming soft pretzels and Pabst Blue Ribbon nonstop was our version of playing violin as the Titanic sinks. Unfortunately, we’re still alive and unable to fit into all our old band shirts. At least we won’t have to worry about size availability.

Beer Belly – At this point, there was no denying our transformation. We were crushed harder than Monday’s 30 pack by the realization that the days of standing sideways in the mirror were over. That angle is dead to us now.

Getting Winded On Stairs – How much does carb-derived asthma weigh in pounds? Because now we can’t climb steps without sounding like someone stabbed a bagpipe. Pretty sure our neighbors think Darth Vader took up jogging. Also, have you ever farted so hard you saw stars? Happens all the time now.

Pound #11 – Fuck you. Fuck you forever.

That being said, it’s pretty awesome. Quarantine has us going through a metamorphosis. Changing from skinny and underdeveloped like Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly” into a new, dad-body form like Jeff Goldblum in our fantasies. Do you realize how good our hugs have gotten? Our cuddle game gonna be off the charts in 2021.